[0mega]

Hi, I find myself in a bit of a tough situation, that I'm hoping some of you might be able to give me advice on.

A little back story here:

I met my now ex girlfriend 6 years ago at a college we were attending. We immediately were attracted to each other, but neither one of us knew how to go about it. I had just gotten out of a 2 year relationship, and I was not confident enough at the time to believe that she would hold any interest.

We drifted apart a few months later, but stayed in intermittent contact through myspace. We were both supportive of each other in things in our lives, but we never spoke often enough to go anywhere. We both had serious relationships during the next six years, one of mine including an engagement and the birth of a daughter. But I never stopped thinking about her, I just couldn't seem to make any headway. When I was single, she wasn't, and vice versa.

At the end of February, I finally made the decision to move out of my ex's apartment after things had finally completely fallen apart. I had been talking to my now recent ex in the last week of my turmoil, and when I moved back in with my parents (I'm 25, she's 23) we agreed to meet. One week later, we were inseparable.

Admittedly, we rushed into things. Our feelings were strong, and were bolstered by years of looking back at what we'd seen in each other at first and our glimpses of who the other had become over the years. When living with her father became an impossibility after 2 months of being together, my family (who loves her, and hated all my other exes) opened their doors to her. She moved in, and things just kept getting better and better.

That is, until the stresses of her own questions of where her life was going (not including the relationship, but more individual concerns) began to wear on her. Her job was demanding and unrewarding, and she relied on me completely for transportation. We essentially spent every moment she wasn't working (I was unemployed and looking at the time) together. She became a bit withdrawn and argumentative, and desiring of space which she described at the time as just time alone to herself every so often.

I didn't see anything wrong with that, but I could see that it was straining our relationship. By this point, I was head over heels in love with her, and I hadn't felt anything that strong or deep in my life. I had not connected on such a level with anyone, not even my ex-fiance and mother of my child. She always iterated that she felt that same way, in fact most of those conversations were ones that she started herself. I had always been too concerned over how fast things were going in my own heart that if I shared them myself I would scare her away. It was reassuring that she felt the same.

Things just got worse and worse... arguments became heated at times... and I did the worst thing I could possibly have done. I changed. I became a needy, indecisive, and clingy wuss. All in the effort to be there for her and comfort her. And all of my efforts and being hurt by her response pushed her further, and further away.

Until the day came that she moved in with her mom 100 miles away. She said that she needed some space to clear her head, and that we'd still be together. That she'd always wanted to work at the shore at her mom's place, and that it would be good for her to spend the summer there. I didn't like it, but I didn't speak out against it too hard. I was, at the time, trying to be understanding incarnate...

One month later, contact has lessened and lessened... excuses were being made every time I tried to inquire as to when I could see her... and then massive manipulating problems happened between my ex-fiance and I. A situation that will most likely end in the stripping of my rights to see my daughter because I will not drag my daughter through the pain her mother seems content to apply, and I can't afford the damage to my life that is being threatened. Even though all of this was going on, I couldn't get my then girlfriend to agree to have me visit and decompress. Talking to her was difficult.

And then I made an extremely needy, and stupid mistake, but I was completely emotionally destroyed at this point with all the questions over the relationship and the near certainty of losing contact with my 3 year old daughter. I talked to her best friend while driving her back from my then girlfriend's place. She instigated the conversation, and I was too weak to not accept the comfort she seemed to be offering me in the name of bettering my relationship. She turned right around and told my ex everything.

A few days later, the day after a horrible showdown between my ex-fiance and I concerning my future with my daughter, my ex girlfriend broke up with me. Saying that she'd started falling out of love awhile ago, and gave some space to see if it was just a phase. But that it had just gotten worse and worse, and now she couldn't do it anymore. She said that she needed to be alone and not in a relationship to figure out her life, and that she felt that I needed the same. She said she loved me as a friend now, and that she wanted us to still be a part of each others life. Nothing I could say about how she never let me in on the fact that she was feeling that way, or including me in the process, and that we should at least BOTH try now got through to her. She was adamant that that was how it needed to be.

So I've spent the last few days (it hasn't been a week yet) trying to get my life in order. I've made huge strides, including figuring out what was wrong with me in the first place. I discovered that I couldn't really blame her for falling out of love, I'd changed from the confident, fun loving, taking charge, energetic person she'd fallen in love with in this wimpy, needy, clingy shell. And I discovered that I do, and have done this in every relationship due to the way that I was raised. I grew up in an abusive household with no friends until my later High school years. I grew up needing to act wimpy, submissive, and almost needy in order to deflect conflict so that I wouldn't suffer too much abuse. I apparently carried that conditioning over into every important relationship in my life. And it has pushed many... many close people away.

My ex and I have talked sporadically. Sometimes she initiates it, other times I do. We joke, we laugh, we catch up a bit. All the while I know she's meeting new people. And her song choices in her profile suggest either a desire for reconciliation at some point, or desire for another.

I had been content to keep the contact extremely light, and allow the changes I was making in myself to do the talking for me. And see if she made the first moves herself. Her things are still here in my room, as there wasn't enough room at her mom's yet for all of it. So we have to see each other at some point. However, that was before I made that critical discovery about myself. That what I was doing was making HER situation worse, and shoving her away as fast as I could. I now know how to keep that from happening... and I've been more confident, energetic... almost completely back to who I know I am...

... except for the aspect that still desires her. And has wanted her since we met 6 years ago.

I now no longer know when or if I should tell her about what I'd discovered. I'm afraid that if I wait too long, because of how pertinent and critical this was, that the apology will mean nothing later on. That too much time will have passed. I know I was in the wrong the most here... terribly so. And I want her back almost as much as I want to keep my daughter, and keep my life going on the right track. They are all almost equal in importance to me.

So, what do I do? We haven't spoken in a day, which is rare actually because she usually makes contact if I don't, and I really want to get the ball moving on getting things back on track. I prepared a letter (even shared it with an ex I had done the same thing to but didn't realize many, many years ago, and she approves and suggests I send it at the right time). But I don't know what the right time is at this point.

I made huge mistakes, does that mean I send the letter now? It's not begging, just explaining, and apologizing, and taking a chance at at least getting together to see if that spark can return.

Or do I wait awhile before I do it? I'm confident in myself again, but I also know when to ask for help so I don't mess up something that at one point was amazing. And I really feel that it could be again if we could get past this.

Any advice would be appreciated... thank you in advance!

[Darksubaru]

Yeah, man... I know where you are coming from. My situation is very similar to yours where my ex g/f said she wanted space, and then just ended up breaking it off completely because she needs her space to work on herself and focus on her life.

But, I would honestly recommend to not contact her at all, and if she tries to contact you, leave it alone. You don't want her to control you, as hard as this sounds. I just lost my ex 2 days ago... and I have had some drastic thoughts and realizations. But, unfortunately, she is gone, she made up her mind. So, there is nothing we can do about it now.

Just need to go on and do what you can... and hope that when she is ready, she will remember you and what you guys had. Unfortunately, if not, then she is not worth it.

Over time, you'll either get over it, or get used to the pain. But, only she can make the decision to come back, there is no way you can force her, you will just push her away even more. As you said, let your actions and building yourself up be the ammunition, that is my plan too... gotta make her want you back, not force it or else it will just end up the same.

She is obviously confused about everything, mainly concerning her. You did what you could for her, and she was uncomfortable with it because she is uncomfortable with herself.

It is cliché, but you can only love someone when you love yourself. So, take this time to make sure the next time around that she does see you/contact you, she senses that; that will make you that much more of a catch.

But, please don't try to force it, she has made her mind up, and there absolutely nothing you can do to change it, unfortunately and as hard as that is to hear/understand. I hate it too.

[carlson92]

Just need to go on and do what you can... and hope that when she is ready, she will remember you and what you guys had. Unfortunately, if not, then she is not worth it.

Couldn't agree more with your statement there. Darksubaru's advice to your situation is good.

[ZoeMarie]

I wouldn't send her a letter or anything. You'll only push her farther away.

It's time to box up all her things. Put them somewhere you won't see them. Give her the space she needs. Don't call or text. In doing that, she's not getting her space. It's going to be next to impossible for you to get over her if you have all her things laying around your room and you still talk to each other. When she wants her things back, she'll let you know. In the meantime try to move on.

It sounds like you're doing well in improving yourself, by realizing what went wrong and unfortunately, for her to see that, she has to want to. And as hard as it is to accept, you might just have to chalk this up to a learning experience. Good luck though, it sounds like you're on the right track!

[dreamingartist]

I am just not a big believer in divorcing in February and then dating a new girl 2 months later, then using the X as a pivot point to compare every possible amazing thing with the new girl. Plus your daughter is in the middle and then the whole unemployment thing and then her needs of transportation and all this stuff... I just think if people healed before they date a new person they won't bring wounds with them that can be easily reopened.

also I don't understand the best friend thing... you talked to her Bestie about what? Her and you, or the best friend and you.. regardless HER best friend has loyalty to HER. Even if you sleep with a best friend, they will throw you under the bus and blame you... friends are ALWAYS off limits.

this whacky chick who I was talking to for the past 2 months has a amazingly HOT HOT best friend... her best friend commented to her saying I was delicious and amazingly hot and that she would die to date me if her best friend wasn't intrested...

so when we decided it wasn't going to work, I have 0 options with the hot hot friend.. because it's a RULE.. you just don't talk to the best friend... no matter what...

[0mega]

I didn't divorce in February... I've never been married. The breakup in February it was a long and drawn out breakup with a girlfriend that finally ended in late February when I regained my confidence. Which lead to me starting seeing the most recent ex.

I had had more than enough time to heal myself before the final end with the previous ex. We were essentially just living together on autopilot, even though I would have welcomed a return. The writing was clearly on the wall, and I felt all the better for distancing myself from it. There was no healing needed at that point.

As for talking to her "bestie" it was initiated by her. We were talking about HER love life, my girlfriend and my love life, and she kept bringing up how we were doing and offering encouragement. She picked up on my weak emotional state and definitely took advantage to see what I would say. I know it was wrong, and I know the "rules of the best friend". But honestly, it was an outlet that I needed at that moment. My own friends were not around, and I had no one to vent to, which she knew. So I took a chance that she was genuine and lost.

Comparing the last ex with the most recent one was no contest. None whatsoever. I didn't even need to. The difference was just that evident, and the way that my recent ex and I were together was just phenomenal. She said that she felt the same, and still says that those times were the best in her life.

Which is why I'm so confused as to why I'm being told by some that I shouldn't apologize for what I discovered about myself, and then leave it up to her as to whether she wants to give it another go at some point. To at least find out if that was the bump in the road that lead to the end.

It's been a week. We haven't talked in 2 days. Now, I understand the whole concept of NC and let her make the first move if she's genuine and we've grown... but I can't understand not letting her know of what I've found. She used to break with her most recent ex ( a relationship of 2 years) all the time, but mostly due to his insecurities. I'm afraid that if I don't take the steps to repair this now, that this could be a good relationship destroyed due to our own indecision.

My indecision is gone, and my confidence is back. Why should displaying and explaining that to her be a bad thing? The manner in which I had chosen to do so was explanatory, in no way week, and open ended as to her wants. Something that I had lacked in the last month or so of our being together.

She's highly intelligent and understanding, so I guess I'm at a loss. I really don't want to lose out on a chance here... but I also don't want to make a blunder. We don't get a chance to see each other much, and we both are horrible talking on the phone. I can't convey my change in self just by IM chats and phone alone... and she won't regain interest if she thinks I'm still that wuss.

[0mega]

Just need to go on and do what you can...and hope that when she is ready, she will remember you and what you guys had. Unfortunately, if not, then she is not worth it.

I understand, and agree. I just wonder if by not letting her know that what I discovered about myself, and possibly change the direction that way... if I'm basically shooting myself in the foot either for the present, or for the future. Even if she doesn't accept it and it doesn't affect the right now... it could affect the future...

I want her to come back... I want her to be worth it. But am I making it harder by not sharing something so important as that?

[0mega]

All right, bit of an update. She contacted me, through Facebook IM not 20 minutes ago. She asked me how things were going, and if I'd made any breakthroughs with what I wanted to do.

I felt like this was the opening I was waiting for... so I summed it up for her. That I'd made a breakthrough, and had written it up, but hadn't been sure when to send it to her. She told me to go ahead.

So she read it... and at first was trying to tell me that it was great that I was working on things for myself, but that we couldn't try anything. I pressed her as to why we couldn't even take the steps to see if that was it, and she replied that she didn't think she treated me as a girlfriend should treat a boyfriend. That she didn't deserve me.

Now, I know that when things got rough, with how I was acting, we did treat each other quite badly. She pushed me away and snapped, and I clung and wormed my way into things I shouldn't have. So we both didn't treat each other right.

So, when I laid it out that all I wanted was to take the chance to see if we could connect again with no pressure, she agreed. As long as I didn't talk about relationships again, to which I told her that was her topic to start, not mine.

So... I guess we'll see. I'm still wary, as I'm pretty sure her sister hijacked the IM afterwards and started name calling me... including stalker... just random spam words... and the name of someone came up that I know lives down there and is connected to her... not sure if that was an accident. So I'm not going to go into this blindly, or with strong presumptions... but I am not going to waste this chance.

A chance is all I wanted. If she rejects the real me, or worse, then that's that. At least it would be the real me getting the shaft this time.

[Torrid13]

Even if the letter didn't have begging in it, it will still come across as desperate and needy, and she'll be as close to you as mouse is to a snake.

It'll just make it worse, man.
As someone else said, she made her decision, and she's more than likely not going to change her mind.

But I guarantee you that the letter won't do any good at all. Don't try to talk to her. Don't do anything except revel in what great a person you are, and where you want your life to go. Without her.

Good luck.

[0mega]

Well, seeing as the letter did work... or at least seems to have worked in getting her to at least see what happens...

I mean, in any way that this works out, it's a win win for me. All I wanted was a chance to see if we clicked without my baggage. If we don't, then I know it wasn't meant to be and I can move on. If she plays me, then I get a real sense of her character and I can close her out and move on.

But if it does work, then I will have gained considerably. I know the likelihood of it working is slim, but I take solace in the fact that every time she makes up her mind to say no to something, she's immovable. The fact that she actually said yes after having started to say no... says at least something.

Like I said, it's win win for me. I get the answers to the "what if" questions that I would like answered any way that you look at it. I'm so tired of regrets in my life, and I know I would have regretted not apologizing for my actions and trying.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate all the advice you all have given me, but something about this one just feels different. Not the typical situation, and I'm tired of being a coward in my life (not to say any of your approaches were cowardly, it's just an assessment of my actions leading up to this point).

[Torrid13]

Hey, you're the Captain of your ship, man.

Good luck.

[0mega]

Thanks. I mean it.

I know you're just trying to suggest what you believe is best for me. And it might still turn out that you were right.

But I've gotten through all the heartache part. I'm stronger right now than I ever remember being, and that's largely due to what I've already gained in myself. So even if this goes badly... I'll walk away ready for whatever life sends my way.

This is just one more "leak" in my "ship" that I need to patch.

I'll update how it goes. Hopefully, the conversation can turn to tips on what steps to take next on a rebuilding note rather than an escape.

All of you have been great.