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thoughtiwastheman · Jul 7, 2009, 11:54 AM

I have been seeing this girl for about two and a half years now but it was only until recently that I told her that I wanted to take it serious and that we should date. Before we came to this agreement though, we were still both on the dating scene. I definitely was seeing other people and I was very honest with her about that fact. She on the other hand never made it known to me if she was or wasn't but she continued to be there for me whenever I needed her and we truly enjoyed each other's company every time. I must admit that it was a bit disrespectful but she stuck around. Before I go any further I must admit that she is 3 1/2 years older than me. She will be turning 29 soon and I will turn 26 in December. In any case, before we became serious I said something to her that I should never had said. I said it first of all because I had been really hurt by a previous relationship that lasted 8 years and I was afraid of where we were heading. I was also conscience of the fact that she was older and may want things in her life that I was not ready to commit to. So, without thinking I told her that I didn't want to see her and that there was something about us that I was not sure of. The truth is though we were perfect for each other. I also (this is the bad part) told her that she looked a lot older than she was and this really hurt her feelings. Not long past that I realized how important she was to me and how I truly needed to let go of my ghosts and be with her. I stopped seeing all the other women and I have committed myself to her ever since. I constantly complement her and tell her how beautiful she is because there are times where I notice that she is a little self conscience about the little wrinkles she has under her eyes. To me these things are irrelevant now and I have come to appreciate her for who she is. If the saying if you love her let her go and if she comes back then you know she was always there to stay really holds true for this woman. I know that she loves me and after dating seriously, I too have come to the realization that I am in love with her.
Recently I told her that I loved her but I don't think that I am serious. We were at the beach recently and I asked her if she loved me (she has never said that she loves me) and she said that she does, and when I asked her why she never said it, she said that its because she feels that the guy should say it first and that she didn't want me to ever respond by saying something cold like, "thanks," or "ok." So now I tell her that I love her all the time and she says that she loves me too BUT she has yet to say it without me saying it first. If I don't say it before hanging up the phone with her or before we part, "I love you" is never said by her and we simply say something like talk to you later or something to that affect. My question is: If she claims she has always felt it, than why can't she say it now that I have come out to say it first? The other thing that I think about is the issue of power. I feel that she has always been there for me and given me her all, and after saying the things that I had said to her, I feel it is only right that I even the playing field and admit to my emotions rather than have her pull it out of me. I want to quickly correct myself and say that I did not admit I loved her because of this "power" thing though. I truly love her and I decided to let her know. I am not going to push her or question her on the issue because I think it is unfair. She never pushed me or questioned me much about my development from my previous relationship and I appreciated her for that. She was very patient with me and I will be patient with her now, but yet and still I'm saddened by the fact that she won't say it. What does this all mean? I know that she loves me so I know that this isn't an issue of her being deceitful or anything. Back at the beach again she asked me how long I have felt this way and I told her for the past 3 to 4 months and she said that she had noticed how I my attitude and feelings had changed towards her, and she said that she never said anything to me before but she did say to her herself that if I hadb't felt anything by now that I wasn't going to say anything. She also reminded me of the fact that at one point I had doubts about her and that she was thought maybe I still carried those doubts within me. I told her that those doubts are gone and that my feelings are real and I have left it at that since. So the issue is, what should I do now? I mean, there are times I say I love her and there are times I feel like telling her I love her but I don't because I don't want to continuosly hear her say, I love you. Should I always say it regardless of whether she says it first? And how long should I wait before she says she loves me first? Thanks for your input everyone.

tickle · Jul 7, 2009, 01:39 PM

Don't say it anymore and see what happens. It may get her thinking that you aren't interested. Its really not playing a game, consider it a test.

Is that you in your avatar by the way ? If it is, I don't know where she is coming from !

Ms tick

MsMewiththat · Jul 7, 2009, 02:27 PM

Tickle I'm sorry I disagree. Here is how I see it. Thoughtiwstheman... the truth may hurt so buckle up and please don't get defensive. If I'm wrong tell me.

Because you were afraid to get hurt, you hurt her first. You had feelings for this woman that you didn't want to wear on your sleeve, so you picked little things out about her to make her insecure. NOW THAT SHE IS insecure and unsure of how you feel, or if you are going to hurt her again, you want her to let all of that go, because you have finally decided that she isn't going any where. How did you come to that conclusion? Because you played mind games and hurt her over and over and she didn't leave?
Understand one thing about humans we play until we are done, if the game is still being played we may just pick up our toys and go home.
Because you planted this seed in her mind, she may not ever be able to let it go and take the chance to put herself out there first for you to possibly hurt her again and again.
Your still playing games. Who cares who says it first. IF you love her tell her every time you feel moved to tell her. Secondly, tell her the truth about what you did in the beginning and why and allow her to do with that information what she wants.
You can't protect yourself from being hurt ever again, it's part of life. You just may end up being hurt by her because she decides she doesn't want to play the game and leaves you. 26 is old enough to know better and young enough to do it again. Be strong

thoughtiwastheman · Jul 7, 2009, 06:36 PM

She knows everything. One thing about me is that I'm a very honest person and she knows everything that I did in the beginning. That's not the issue. One thing that I do agree with though is that I will say it anytime I feel like saying it. My question still remains, will she ever say it back to me and if not, what then?

thoughtiwastheman · Jul 7, 2009, 06:45 PM

I understand where you are coming from MsMeWithThat. I did hurt her and I admit that. I think its just going to take time so I love her enough to give her that time. And no its not because she put up with my bullsh*t that I love her. I met her soon after my last relationship of 8 yrs ended and I could not make myself believe that I had met such a person so soon and so fast. So in a way I kept her in the backburners, always finding myself coming back to her. Besides being a good person she is also smart, sexy, family oriented, responsible, and she pretty much likes everything that I do. I don't know if that answers your question but there is NO MORE GAMES BEING PLAYED HERE. I think I should just go along with it like she went along with all my bs. Its only right.

N0help4u · Jul 7, 2009, 07:15 PM

The way I see it is you are over analysing things.
Many couples that truly love each other never say ''I love you''. They just instinctively know it. Go with the flow and accept things as they are. You already told her, ''those doubts are gone and that my feelings are real'' and she has told you, ''she had noticed how I my attitude and feelings had changed towards her'' So just savor the moments with her and prove by your love and faithfulness that she is the one.

MsMewiththat · Jul 8, 2009, 09:16 AM

Originally Posted by thoughtiwastheman

I understand where you are coming from MsMeWithThat. I did hurt her and I admit that. I think its just going to take time so I love her enough to give her that time. And no its not because she put up with my bullsh*t that I love her. I met her soon after my last relationship of 8 yrs ended and I could not make myself believe that I had met such a person so soon and so fast. So in a way I kept her in the backburners, always finding myself coming back to her. Besides being a good person she is also smart, sexy, family oriented, responsible, and she pretty much likes everything that I do. I don't know if that answers your question but there is NO MORE GAMES BEING PLAYED HERE. I think I should just go along with it like she went along with all my bs. Its only right.

What I meant by games is that it appeared that you are still worried about who says I love you first. Still concerned about putting yourself out there and trusting her. No hard feelings here, but generally speaking when your in a relationship with someone and you love them, you will put it all out there, it is what it is... buck naked on the corner in the rain professing your love, no worries. What I mean here is that you are still not trusting her with your heart. You are saying you are, but your actions are a little different. So when I say be honest with her I mean truly let your guard down. I'm certain that she can pick up this reservation in your behavior. While I'm certain it has improved, there is still something there. So for her maybe you have injected a bit of reservation in her. A little fear or uncertainty of what you will do next. So when I say honesty about the beginning... I don't mean about the other women, I mean about why you said the things you said to her? Telling her she doesn't look her age... she looks older. Telling her that you don't want to settle down when you were really afraid that liking her may put you on the casualty list if she broke your heart? Those are the games I'm talking about. Control, games of the mind, played out of fear. It's confusing at first and then it almost becomes transparent and at that point it becomes a bit unpredicatable and then what is she left with?