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beyourownpet · Jul 6, 2009, 08:04 AM

I'll keep it short and sweet as I don't want to exhaust any of you with a long emotional story.
Things hadn't been great for a month between my partner and I. I was dealing with some issues and basically pushed her away. No body cheated, nobody lied. I just wasn't coping very well with outside problems and one day I'd be all loved up and the next I'd be pushing her away.
We live about forty miles away, from each other. It is a long distance affair. That adds pressure, also.
Five weeks ago I receive a text stating she was unhappy. I call her she shouts and then I beg to see her but she goes to stay with her best friend. She then ignores me for five days and I receive a letter. Saying she can't walk on egg shells anymore, which is a fair point. That night I apooligise for breaking her heart and that I have to be resposible for my actions and suffer the consequences. Which I am. I feel my soul has shattered. Ok so you're probably thinking, get NC get over it. However after two days she was talking to me and telling me she didn't want to get over me and she just needs to work through thngs separately. I agreed then she texted me a few weeks later, angry as she thinks I'd moved on already, which I haven't because I love her more than anything in my entire world.
The way she speaks to me is suggesting it isn't over but then two weeks ago we both had a vent at each other and she asked what would be different, I tell hell I had counselling. I'm made a five year plan, regarding career and where I want to be and that I want her to be a part of my life and share my success's, what we had planned all a long. Moving in together, planning and discussing growing old togther. etc.
She didn't reply. I thought she would need time to think abvout what I said so we didn't speak for two weeks. I didn't call, message, not anything. My birthday arose in these two weeks past but I didn't receive anything. I just left her alone to think.
Yesterday for the first time I popped onto Facebook briefly and as soon as I was on she said 'hello'. She kept apologising to me and I told her not to because I wasn't angry and understood. She said she didn't know what else to say and I told her to just be herself and then she turned on herself saying she was an idiot and is making things worse.and she couldn't cope with the fact thought that I had removed her from my life all together. Through my mind I felt hurt, angry and upset but I changed the subject, to a more lighter note. After a fewexchanged messages of talking non sensical , I realised what I was doing and that she hadn't given me what I wanted to hear so I just logged off.

I'm just wanting your honest opinions guys. I have goals and I have plans and I can see a future without her but I love her a lot and I know she loves me. She told me and said she misses me.Do I just remain doing NC or do I tell her how I feel because it is all or nothing for me. I don't think it would be possible to be friends as if either one of us actually moved on it would be devastating to the other.

jolienoire · Jul 6, 2009, 08:20 AM

How old are you guys?
I mean she doesn't seem certain at all as to what she wants, but yet she seems to get angry that you are willing to move on with your life.
It sounds like a game in which you don't need right now. If she wants to be with you she would, and would try to work at it.
It is not fair to you for her to just pop up every time she thinks you moved on from her or with your life, and demand your attention only to confuse you all the more about her intentions.

Do you see how unhealthy this is for your emotional well being?

Why sacrifice your life goals for someone who is not being straight forward with you?

I think you should be honest with her, if something bothers you communicate that to her, and if she doesn't want to listen, then at this point you have done all that you can.

Life is too short to be playing games, either she wants to be with you or she doesn't. There is no in between.

In the end don't forget that self love is far more important than the love for someone else and the sooner you realize this the easier your decisions will be.

Think about it.

beyourownpet · Jul 6, 2009, 08:28 AM

We're both 24. I know I must admit, last night was emotionally draining for me. I do want to just say to her X,Y&z and that she has to decide. I just don't understand how someone who claims to love you with their 'entire breath' could put some one through this kind of game. If she doesn't want to be with me then it'll hurt but I could accept it and work on me. Should I just do it?

jolienoire · Jul 6, 2009, 08:34 AM

Originally Posted by beyourownpet

We're both 24. I know i must admit, last night was emotionally draining for me. I do want to just say to her X,Y&z and that she has to decide. I just don't understand how someone who claims to love you with their 'entire breath' could put some one through this kind of game. If she doesn't want to be with me then it'll hurt but i could accept it and work on me. Should i just do it?

I mean it is up to you, but if you don't get it off your chest it would just bother you.

You are still young, and don't have time to be playing cat and mouse with her.

If you know what you want and she is not providing why in the world would you sacrifice your own happiness to be in a unstable relationship.

You don't even know where you stand. You need that, you need effective communication, and closure.

Just say what you have to say and although it will hurt if she doesn't respond the way you want you know you have to move on

Don't worry it will not be the end, but the beginning to start anew and find someone with common interest. Who will make you feel loved and wanted all the time.

beyourownpet · Jul 6, 2009, 09:00 AM

I'm going to say something tonight. I have asked before but she said she 'doesn't know'.
You are right.
Even though the outcome maybe not what I want to hear.
I have my own emotional well being to take care off.
It has suffered a lot these past weeks, It isn't fair.

jolienoire · Jul 6, 2009, 09:05 AM

Originally Posted by beyourownpet

I'm going to say something tonight. I have asked before but she said she 'doesn't know'.
You are right.
Even though the outcome maybe not what i want to hear.
I have my own emotional well being to take care off.
It has suffered a lot these past weeks, It isn't fair.

Be prepared that if you cut off contact, she might all of a sudden be ready to be in a relationship. Only to confuse you all the more.

Prepare yourself on how you are going to react to that. And make standards before you talk to her as to what you will accept or not.

Good luck
Hope it all works out for you.

p.s. she has to understand that for her actions there are consequences, and if she decide she doesn't want to be with you, she has to accept the part of you moving on.

beyourownpet · Jul 6, 2009, 10:52 AM

Threads merged, and edited.

I need to send something to my Ex. It has been a confusing time. This is the letter I intend to send. I hope you can give me feed back, before I actually send it.

I feel like you need to say something to me. Like to maybe appease guilt? I can't do that for you.

Actions result in consequences. Believe me. I've learnt a lot in the past few months.

Like poison from an adders tongue which needs to be spit it out, I regret to tell you I'm not OK, with what ever it is you think you need to do with me.

I have been clear of what I wanted from day one after the aftermath of it all. You haven't.

I'm strong again and I'm looking out for my emotional well being.

I just don't see how we can be friends? I've taken counsel from numerous books and sites and friends.

When you are in love as much as we were and best friends, keeping a connection of friends is nearly impossible.

If you are unable to heal and work on it ,then you'll always remain hurt and angry and you don't keep friends near by like that.

This isn't any kind of relationship I've ever had before. This felt like the real thing. It was for me the real thing, anyway.

To ever feel like I have a chance to feel this way again or even a small fraction of it, then having each other in our lives will always hurt and you said you wanted to stop hurting and so do I.

I need to move on from this pain, with or without you. I hope after the initial hurt and anger you remember that I was the girl you once loved.

I would like it very much if you would take the time to reply.

justcurious55 · Jul 6, 2009, 11:00 AM

Uh, people shouldn't have to go looking for your other posts so they can understand what you're posting here. If you have something to add, add it to the thread you already have going.

Otherwise, why such a dramatic letter? I had to re-read it a few times to even understand what you were saying. If the point is "i don't want to be friends" why not leave it at that?

ChihuahuaMomma · Jul 6, 2009, 11:04 AM

I honestly was just about to say the same thing. We need a full explanation in one post. I agree as well with "Why not leave it at that?"

talaniman · Jul 6, 2009, 01:25 PM

Your posts were merged to save the confusion and keep the whole story in one place.

Send your letter, and do what you say. If your going to make such a stand, stick to it and go NO CONTACT. Let that be your closure and the start of your healing, or else you are as confused as she is. Don't be!!

sully123 · Jul 6, 2009, 02:19 PM

I agree. Say what you have to say. It its not what you want, let it come to an end, its closure then, and move on. As hard as it, it will be a new beginning. Good luck.

beyourownpet · Jul 6, 2009, 02:51 PM

For pete's sake went on Facebook, as soon as I got on... 'do you want me to delete you from here?' Woah, I'd only been on for a minute so I replied 'is that what you want to do?' 'no'. I had prepared myself for this big 'you either work on it with me or we go are separate ways and have no contact. I can't now as she'd probabl cry. I'm the one who got dumped by a letter. I need to stay calm, sleep on it. Re group and do it tomorrow.

Catsmine · Jul 6, 2009, 05:40 PM

Originally Posted by beyourownpet

For pete's sake went on facebook, as soon as i got on... 'do you want me to delete you from here?' Woah, i'd only been on for a minute so i replied 'is that what you want to do?' 'no'. i had prepared my self for this big 'you either work on it with me or we go are seperate ways and have no contact. i can't now as she'd probabl cry. i'm the one who got dumped by a letter. I need to stay calm, sleep on it. re group and do it tomorrow.

Drop it. Drop her. You're being played.

ChihuahuaMomma · Jul 6, 2009, 07:40 PM

It does sound like she is playing games. Don't get involved with it again, it'll end in heartbreak.

beyourownpet · Jul 7, 2009, 10:35 AM

She texted me saying she was upset with the situation, still and that she has taken a job promotion that she hates and I'm the only person who understands. I changed the subject to Mischa Barton getting fat. She laughed and said she needed to hear that. Then told me I was something else, In the kind of way as @Wow you're brilliant'. I seriously don't know what is happening and what I am doing.

talaniman · Jul 7, 2009, 10:59 AM

Your keeping the spark alive in your head, and that's feeding you hope she will change her mind, and take you back. Did you send that letter? Did you make a decision, and stick to it?? Did you do as you said you were going to?

I didn't think so. You ARE just as confused as she is.

beyourownpet · Jul 7, 2009, 11:11 AM

No I didn't send the letter and no, I didn't stick to any decision I made. I got sucked into the line 'no one really understands me, but you'. I am fool and I have made this situation worse.

makapuu · Jul 7, 2009, 11:20 AM

Both of you seem to be playing ping-pong with each other's feelings. If it's fun, then continue playing. If not, then layout what you both want out of this relationship and get on the same page, or leave each other alone.
A long distance relationship is no excuse to be hesitant and disrespectful of the other person's feelings.

jolienoire · Jul 7, 2009, 11:28 AM

Originally Posted by beyourownpet

No i didn't send the letter and no, I didn't stick to any decision i made. I got sucked into the line 'no one really understands me, but you'. I am fool and i have made this situation worse.

This relationship is toxic. You are not growing, just being set back by false expectations with a partner who seems confused. She wants a relationship on her terms, but you are not seeing that.
You're only young once, but you can be immature forever. Grow up, get control over your life. Remove this toxic person from your life for a moment, because you should be moving forward not backwards.

"the main thing is keeping the main thing the main thing" and that is your happiness. Don't lose sight to that, this person is not making you happy instead taking a part of you with them.

What are you gaining? A healthy relationship should be complimentary not supplementary

beyourownpet · Jul 7, 2009, 03:25 PM

I'm goimg back to my original plan and sticking to it.
NC.
I don't know why I tried to keep it alive. She dumped me but doesn't want anyone else to have me. So, I'm hanging on.
I feel terrible and haven't slept properly for weeks.
This is not healthy. I NEED to stick with it,