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loyalfoolz · Jul 5, 2009, 08:33 PM

Hi guys,

New in this forum. Was in a relationship in 2004 with this girl, but she asked for a breakup in 2006. Reasons given was too much pressure in life - work, from her mum, feeling cooked up. So to deal with it, she went out with this friend of hers who fetched her from work everyday and dinner together. We fought over it and she called it over. Straight after that, she was seeking solace with this guy. She said she did not cheat on me in the first place. Fine, I am already over by now. So not much of a problem. Anyway took around 1.5 months to get over her.

In 2006 got into another relationship with this girl. She was much better than the first. Patient, loving, funny, cute everything a guy wants for. Not much quarrel at the first place. Had our first major quarrel 6 months down the road when she wanted to meet up with this friend of hers for a drink. I said fine but don't come back too late. She got offended by it and thus lead to our quarrel. 3 yrs down the road, she asked for a break suddenly saying staying together is too much for her - no freedom to go out with her friends for drinks(guys I mean, she has not much girlfriends). Tried to get over her then, but 2 months down the road, she asked for reconciliation. But after 3 weeks she called it off, saying its finally over. However, now and then we still go out occasionally and she still said sometimes she cries when she thinks of it. I thought maybe we still have chances of getting back. But recently, she turned cold and did not contact me ever since.

Its been 6 months after the first break. Guys, I know you will ask me to forget about her, but it's hard. Please advise.

paxe · Jul 5, 2009, 08:56 PM

It seems she is playing with you like a yo-yo, back and forth and it doesn't seem you have the courage to call it quits. You need to learn from both failure. Probably you need some time alone and let her go. It may be hard but you know down the road you need to heal and get better. This is why NC is best for you right now.

JoeCanada76 · Jul 5, 2009, 08:59 PM

Quite honestly if you were able to move on from the first break up, you will also move on from this one.

Time to focus on yourself and go out and do something for others. Like volunteering.

Do not move into another relationship just to be in a relationship.

loyalfoolz · Jul 5, 2009, 11:23 PM

Thanks... am trying the NC now. But it's still hard especially in the evenings or weekends when I have sweet flashbacks.

Anyway it's weird that during our break, we went for a vacation but I paid most of it. And during our breakup, we went for yet another vacation and this time I paid for everything. And when she was left alone by herself, she would call me sometimes and sms saying she missed me a bit.

But I think recently she has indulged herself in online chatting and get to know this guy and has been drinking after work all night with her colleagues. I sent an sms saying ' I hope you know what you are doing". And she got seriuosly pissed off with that and that's when our contact ends. She said that I am crazy and she said her colleagues said I am crazy too. Damn, that pisses off also. Its been 2 weeks of NC now. I should be forgetting about her but why is it so hard.

loyalfoolz · Jul 6, 2009, 03:41 AM

Actually at both times, my ex's mentioned that I am a good person but they are no good for me.

Well actually I have taken care of them quite well, showering them with lots of attention and spend time together almost every day. Probably that's a mistake?

Now I am thinking probably its my fault all along.

kctiger · Jul 6, 2009, 05:57 AM

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you will probably break up again, and again, and again, until you find the person that is truly compatible with you. It is life. Rejection of yourself, rejection of others... they are all hard, the break ups, but it just means that this wasn't the right time or person, or both, for you.

You're alive, you will be fine, and it takes time. Give yourself the time. I would suggest that in future relationships you give a little more balance, and a little more love to yourself. Showering someone with gifts tends to loose its luster after awhile, so shower yourself with gifts as well.

loyalfoolz · Jul 6, 2009, 08:12 PM

thanks you are right. U guys out there are great. I wonder how you cope with all these especially when the girl you once love did so many great things together.

anyway she already admitted she's got a guy now, but she said it's just recently. But I know he's a random stranger she met on the web. Just can't believe it.

at one point of time, she is so adamant in marrying me. Now is a twist of fate.

chetatkinsLA · Jul 6, 2009, 08:27 PM

"at one point of time, she is so adamant in marrying me. now is a twist of fate. "

When every relationship ends.. its always sad. If you think that some months ago, you were the best couple of the world.. and then some time later, she or he doesn´t even want to see you or talk to you.. it´s kind of sad.. it´s actually VERY sad, but as all the wise guys and girls said already here in this forum... it will happen until we find the right person that´s in the same page as you are. In the meantime, we will date, marry, whatever, and if it´s not the person, it will go to hell sooner or later.

So yeah... just focus on the positive part.. you will always have yourself, take care of yourself cause it might be the ONLY person in the world that will NEVER harm you.

Good luck!

talaniman · Jul 6, 2009, 10:13 PM

You never got over her the first time, or you wouldn't have been sucked back in dude. Stay away from her, and heal, for real this time, and don't get sucked back in. Your healing will take long while, but you will heal if you stay out of her life.

loyalfoolz · Jul 6, 2009, 11:23 PM

Yea... I think I made a terrible mistake by sending her sms regarding the relationship - saying how much I have cared for her but she has turned her back on me.

Now I am feeling worse off. I think I should try to not to pursue any point of contact anymore. Anyway she said she is better off without me now.

I feel damn terrible now. Can't concentrate in work and life. But I tink I well have to deal with it slowly and come out a stronger man, hopefully.

friend4u178 · Jul 6, 2009, 11:32 PM

It's not easy it just takes time , but if you contact her the time stops and you go back to square one , stay NC and keep going forward.

loyalfoolz · Jul 7, 2009, 01:42 AM

Hi guys,

Just got a wonderful job offer with good pay and all. I hope this is my turning point. But if only I could celebrate with her. Guess can't get all the good package in life.

Sorry turning sentimental again. I hope I won't dwelve back in the memories again. But it seriously feels good posting here every time. Hope it doesn't bother you guys out there.

kctiger · Jul 7, 2009, 05:41 AM

Originally Posted by loyalfoolz

hi guys,

just got a wonderful job offer with good pay and all. i hope this is my turning point. but if only i could celebrate with her. guess can't get all the good package in life.

sorry turning sentimental again. i hope i wont dwelve back in the memories again. but it seriously feels good posting here every time. hope it doesn't bother you guys out there.

Good news! Celebrate by going shopping, or whatever it is. Spoil yourself. You are moving in the right direction so keep it up.

Keep posting, keep venting, whatever it is you have to do to feel better. Break ups suck, but living in pain and sorrow afterwards sucks worse!

Stop the contact, the games, the overall ignorance of not being able to see that this is over. You owe it to yourself to be happy! We have all gotten dumped and have all had to move on. Yes it is hard, but once you truly commit and truly erase her from your life, trust me, it makes it ten times easier.

loyalfoolz · Jul 7, 2009, 06:50 PM

Got into another relapse again yesterday night.. it was damn depressing. Alone in the room before going into bed. I guess it was tough because we were practically sleeping together, doing stuff together, walking the dog, have the same taste of food, doing groceries, playing video games together. WE WERE PRACTICALLY MARRIED. Its like suffering from a bad divorce. The impact is so huge.

It gets worse if I think of the guy she is out with now. I know she's like a drug which I depended on last time and now suffering from withdrawal symptoms. Sometimes secretly hoping that a miracle will happen.

But judging from one of my pals experience - his girlfriend dumped him for another guy, then he went into depression for 6 months. His girlfriend rang him back and practically hounded him and begged him to be with her again. They went on for another 2-3 yrs, he finally cheated on her.

I guess if she comes back to me (coz I know her new relationship with this guy won't work. He's a foreigner and she only know him for a few weeks), almost 100% the relationship won't work.

Actually most people say a temporary rebound girl would work, but feelings should not be played and manipulated. But whatever it is, I will try to spend time with myself and grow stronger. I hope it will get better each day.

friend4u178 · Jul 7, 2009, 07:02 PM

Thinking about who she's with and what she's doing is just a complete waste of energy because you have no control over it.

I know its hard not to but your only punishing yourself for no reason with no possible gain.

Torrid13 · Jul 7, 2009, 07:08 PM

You're going to be having sweet flashbacks for a while, buddy. Which completely sucks. But you know what the remedy for sweet flashbacks is? Keepin' busy. But Torrid13, what do you mean? Well, I'm glad you asked!

Go to the gym. Go out with your buddies. Work on a car, or another hobby you have. Go on a trip with sightseeing or sailing or something, preferably with friends, so you don't find yourself wishing she were there.

You'll never be able to change her. If she does want to try again, it'll end up in another break up. Why? Because humans are creatures of habit.

You sound like a nice guy. You'll catch the eye of another lady soon. Don't rush it, but you will. Optimism, angry music, and epic movies like 300 are your best friend.

Good luck.

loyalfoolz · Jul 7, 2009, 08:34 PM

Well said torrid13... but some of my friends said she is really a good catch, she is a nice girl compared to my previous ex (well that's really true); ask me to get her back.

They are right in the sense that she was a nice girl until she asked for a break. The thing is afer the break we are still staying in the same house but different rooms! And 2 things that brough us back together momentarily, which was one week before valentines - I) somehow we managed to made love and she said she got back her feelings after that ii) she went back to her parents place for a week and her mum told her off for wasting a good opportunity and she also thought to herself that probably she wouldn't get any partner in future who would be that nice to her. And she said she is ready to get married and ask me to propose to her somewhere in June when we go for our next vacation somewhere in Salzburg under the glittering sky of Austria

So there you go - made a mistake of going back with her because after 3 weeks she was out with her guy friends again and I think she realise she should be having a good time out there with her friends instead of wasting time with me. Thus contributed to our final break up. And she wanted us to be best friends still after that. I think it would be quite hard to be considering that I have been lower graded to one level below. She admitted she has split personality - she would be so nice to me at one time, but yet she likes to hang out with guy friends and flirt with them while out drinking, which I don't mind actually as long as they don't bed each other. But 2 weeks ago she has found new found love, she totally stopped contacting me. So that's when I try to maintain my NC.

Anyway the saying goes - nice guys don't get good girls don't they. Nice guys will just end up getting hurt while the not so nice guys will get all the girls they want.

Actually I still can't forget a few weeks before the break that she mentioned about the venues for our future wedding - a romantic beach wedding, how would the decorations be, how many guest to invite. How our dog would be the ring bearer, how she would propose to me if I don't do it?!

I wonder anyone out there has this similar situation. This is really unbelievable. But I am healing slowly with the occasional flashbacks.

Torrid13 · Jul 7, 2009, 08:46 PM

Loyalfoolz, there are people have been in a similar situation. Namely, myself. Except, of course, I'm a girl, and the "man" that broke my heart was the one who decided on a warm March, 2009 day that he didn't love me anymore, athough we had been planning to get married, have kids, etc etc. He had already started saving for the marriage.

He had started going out with his friends a lot, and wouldn't call me when he said he would, or would just completely ignore me, saying he never had time because he worked so much. Of course, it took me a while to see it for what it really was because I was so in love and he treated me a like a princess for a while before he started to change.

He wanted to be "best friends" because I was the most "loyal, true" friend he had ever had. He topped it off by saying that I "should be grateful" he broke up with me when he did, and that he "could date me 10 years and STILL never have the intention of marrying me, or EVER wanting to."

His family called me everyday until last week when I told them to stop or I'd change my number, and his friends called him a moron. Everyone knew I wasn't such a bad catch after all except him.

So yes, I do know what you mean and how you feel. There's people on this site that have been through much, much worse. I figure if they can get through such hard times and heartache, hey, me and you can get through our pain, too.

I'm not minimizing your pain at all. I'm very sorry you have to go through this. But what I'm saying is that it does get better. And thank God it does. Takes time, but you'll be back on your feet in no time. :)

kctiger · Jul 8, 2009, 05:39 AM

Originally Posted by loyalfoolz

anyway the saying goes - nice guys dont get good girls dont they. nice guys will just end up getting hurt while the not so nice guys will get all the girls they want.

i wonder anyone out there has this similar situation. this is really unbelievable. but i am healing slowly with the occasional flashbacks.

I can say with 100% certainty I will get the girl I want, and I am a nice guy (contrary to popular belief from my friends and a few others on this site ;)). I just refuse to settle and refuse to believe that any woman can make or break me... yet, anyway.

Yes, I know what you are going through. I came here torn down, heartbroken, a mess... an absolute mess. Won't go through the details, but you aren't alone.

At any rate, worrying about getting the "right" girl is pointless. People come along when you least expect it, when you are just enjoying your life and not worried about finding Ms. Right. Find your own happiness and then you will be prepared to share it with a wonderful woman who will appreciate you. Just because this didn't work out doesn't mean your ex was evil. This is life, take the good with the bad.

wontgohomewou · Jul 8, 2009, 07:37 AM

I don't understand why you just didn't join her for drinks if you are so uncomfortable with her hanging out with her guy friends. Get to know them so you won't be so insecure about her hanging out with other people.