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annsumm · Jul 5, 2009, 12:05 PM

Hi

I met a guy a few weeks ago. He lives about 40 miles from me and doesn't drive or own a car (has a driving ban until December). I am 40 and he is 35. He caught the train and we met half way on the first date, got on really well and I agreed to see him again. On the second date I drove to his town, had a lovely day and spoke on the phone later that week when he asked for the third date. I agreed but he said he wanted me to travel to him again ! I said that I didn't think it was fair and suggested at least meeting half way again but he seemed a bit reluctant, so I rang him the next day and said that I couldn't make it as I felt he was being unfair.

Other details that may be worth mentioning here:-
He still lives with his parents
He made sexual advances on the second date (which I resisted)

Am I being harsh here? I do like him and we get on good, speak a lot on the phone etc. I would just like a bit of input on the whole situation as it helps if people on the outside can tell me their take on it. Thanks so much..

justcurious55 · Jul 5, 2009, 12:48 PM

Hm. The fact that you start asking if he's a loser is a red flag. Whether he's a loser is a completely opinionated thing. And in this case, since you're the only dating him, the only opinion that matters is your own. So, do you think he's a loser? If yes, well, that seems like a bad start for a relationship right there.

I think its completely reasonable for him to at least meet you halfway. Every now and then you driving all the way there is fine. But until he can also drive all the way to your town, it's not fair to expect you to do all the traveling only. Unless he wants to start chipping in for gas, the added maintenance all the extra mileage will cause your car, etc... I'll bet if you throw that idea out there he'll see that meeting you halfway is really much more reasonable.

annsumm · Jul 5, 2009, 12:54 PM

Sorry, to explain, the term loser was meant to imply -worth bothering with, or not. 'Loser' in the UK, is a weird, interchangeable term and sometimes means someone with little to offer (materially) or someone who is not worth bothering with for other reasons, if that makes sense!

justcurious55 · Jul 5, 2009, 12:59 PM

Yeah. That's pretty much how I read it. And again, that's a totally opinionated thing. Do you feel like he's not worth bothering with?this is YOUR time and energy. Is it worth it for you to spend it on him?

artlady · Jul 5, 2009, 01:01 PM

It sounds as if he does not have much going for him right now.The question is why the ban and why living with his parents?

If he is 40,he should be doing much better than he is right now.I would be wary of him.He does not sound like much of a catch.

And he is already trying to make demands that he should not.
I would reconsider if I were you.

annsumm · Jul 5, 2009, 01:08 PM

I did enquire about the ban, apparently for speeding and says he lives with parents since he came back from travelling a year ago. This is why I was prepared to let this go as he was willing to talk about it all. I really don't mind making a bit of an effort (ie half way), its only fair.

s_cianci · Jul 5, 2009, 01:09 PM

It sounds like you've got yourself a child trapped inside an adult's body. Still lives with parents, doesn't own a car, banned from driving until Dec. made sexual advances on the second date. Any one of these by themselves may not be a big deal, but when you put them all together it spells trouble with a capital T!

s_cianci · Jul 5, 2009, 01:12 PM

I did enquire about the ban, apparently for speeding

I can't vouch for the UK, but here in the US it would take a lot more than a simple speeding conviction for driving privileges to be suspended. I don't think you're getting a straight story here.

annsumm · Jul 5, 2009, 02:05 PM

Well he said his points accumulated. Like I say I was willing to believe him and not read into this point too much. On the two dates we have been on, he has been really good company, the conversation flows easily. He sent me a text immediately after I left him on the second date that read "Thank you for a lovely day, i really enjoyed being with you and I am sorry if you thought I was too pushy or eager"

babyshooter11 · Jul 6, 2009, 10:32 PM

None of us can really tell you for a fact if he's a loser or not. But if you don't like what he's doing or how he's acting than no, you're not being mean. You have certain standards and you shouldn't have to lower them.

I wish · Jul 7, 2009, 06:36 AM

Sounds like you have a lot of doubts. Also sounds like you came to this forum because you need some outside justification that you should keep pursuing this guy.

I would say, you don't need our help as much as you think. Give yourself more credit. Trust your instincts. You've pointed out so many red flags and you haven't even gone on the third date yet.

Furthermore, these aren't red flags that are going to go away that easily. Imagine how many more red flags you will find when you go on the third day.

I would say, trust yourself and save yourself some trouble. Find someone else.

annsumm · Jul 8, 2009, 05:13 PM

Thanks so much. I did just want other people to kind of tell me that my gut instincts were indeed accurate !

JeffGrizzwald · Jul 8, 2009, 05:48 PM

I hope I'm not living at home with my parents when I'm 35.