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twizzler09 · Jul 3, 2009, 09:22 AM

Me my sister and my mom have lived with my step dad for about a month now. And personally I think he's kind of creepy. And I don't know whether he's trying to get to know me better or just being perverted.

Like two weeks ago he sat next to me on the couch and started making conversation, which at first I had no problem with, but then he started asking me EXTREMELY personal questions after a while. He even asked if I was still a virgin! Is that creepy or what! I told one of my bff's and she's suggesting that maybe it was his way of getting to know people better. Yeah Right!

Then another time, maybe about 3 weeks ago, it was just me and him at home. And he randomly decided to go into my room. And then he tried to shut the door. So I stopped it and he told me he needed to talk to me about something. Therefore I reminded him that no one else was home and whatever needed to be talked about could be talked about WITH the door open. Then he came up with a pathetic excuse of "Oh I forgot what I was going to tell you". That time I told my mom what happened and she just brushed it off and told me that I needed to "give him some time to adjust" Right...

Oh yeah, and wouldn't you say it was a little to early to be giving hugs and little kisses on the cheek to someone else's kids! I mean seriously it's only been like a month. My sister doesn't feel comfortable with it, and neither do I, and yet my mom keeps telling us that he's trying to ADJUST. And that we should give him some time, and that he's just trying to get to know us better.

Anyway, I'm getting really frustrated and just wanted to know what you guys thought of it?

And does anyone have any ideas on how I could at least explain to him that the things he does sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable? I don't want to piss him off either.

Thanks for any helpful answers!

house11674 · Jul 3, 2009, 09:37 AM

Protect yourself and your sister. Try to set up a video or something in your room for when you have to be alone in the house with him. Your mother is blinded by love you are right this is not appropriate. Try not to be alone with him also do not leave your sister alone with him. Keep you bedroom and bathroom doors locked at night. And tell him with your family present at dinner or something that you are uncomfortable discussing your sexually history with him that it is unappropriate. Keep a diary of all things that he says to you word for word I know it's a pain but it may be necessary. Child predators work on intimidation, he knows that u don't want to upset your mom and he has her snowed so u need backup. Try not to be alone with him anywere. And keep you and your sister safe. If your mom won't listen tell someone else another family member if you can. If it continues get u and your sister out of the house. Take Care and stay safe

jenniepepsi · Jul 3, 2009, 10:03 AM

Twizzler, are you and your sister both girls? Or are you a boy?

My first thought was if you are a boy, he DOES want to create that special bond between a boy and his son. As your care provider, he does need to know things like if you are a virgin or not, and other private issues that a parent (be you step parent or not) need to know.

However, the issue with the door seems very suspect with me. Especially if you are also a girl. Until you understand this man better do not let him in your room with the door closed.

My husband is my daughters step father. And he is still learning the boundary issues. He has some mental disability and he was raised in a very different home than I was because of his race (he is mexican and I am white)

My advise is, while keeping you and your sister reasonably safe by not letting him in your room and closing the door alone, DO please give him the chance to adjust to parenthood and understand that he is NOT experienced at this sort of thing and it will take time for him to learn everything that is 'right and wrong'

Keep in mind that when he was a young boy his father probably DID go into the room and close the door to talk to him about private 'boy' issues. You know?

But again, you didn't say if you were a girl or a boy.

*edit* for got to mention...

You NEED to tell him you feel uncomfratable. Regardless of his reaction to that! Even if he gets angry about it. He needs to know! If this is simply him trying to get to know you better, how is he to know you don't like it? How is he to know that he needs to stop being so familiar, if you won't TELL him.

JudyKayTee · Jul 3, 2009, 10:06 AM

How long did your stepfather date your mother before they married?

JudyKayTee · Jul 3, 2009, 10:09 AM

Originally Posted by house11674

Protect yourself and your sister. Try to set up a video or something in your room for when you have to be alone in the house with him. Your mother is blinded by love you are right this is not appropriate. try not to be alone with him also do not leave your sister alone with him. keep you bedroom and bathroom doors locked at night. And tell him with your family present at dinner or something that you are uncomfortable discussing your sexually history with him that it is unappropriate. Keep a diary of all things that he says to you word for word I know its a pain but it may be necessary. Child predators work on intimidation, he knows that u dont want to upset your mom and he has her snowed so u need backup. Try not to be alone with him anywere. And keep you and your sister safe. If your mom wont listen tell someone else another family member if you can. If it continues get u and your sister out of the house. Take Care and stay safe

There are two sides to this. The OP may be over reacting, may simply miss her "real" father, anything could be going on. I have no idea how a teenager could purchase and set up a video "or something" in his/her room.

The entire "uncomfortable discussing sexual history" conversation at dinnertime is inappropriate in my eyes.

You are simply assuming that this man is a pervert, that the mother is "snowed," that she is "blinded by love" and I don't think you can make this assumption and add fuel to the fire without more information.

It is not easy being a stepchild; it is not easy being a step parent. I believe there are two sides and you cannot simply condemn the stepfather.

If the advice is to be cautious, yes, that's a plan.

Alty · Jul 3, 2009, 10:10 AM

I'm guessing the OP is female by the style of writing and the concerns brought up.

It's time to tell your mother that you're okay with him adjusting to your family but you're not okay with the touching, the personal questions or the invasion of your personal space.

You don't know him, you have the right to guard yourself and to limit the contact to what you're comfortable with.

The part where he came into your room and then tried to shut the door, major alarms went off in my head.

Also, the personal questions. That's a bit much. Yes, talk, ask questions, but to ask about your sexual experience, that's just not sitting well with me.

If you feel weird about it there's probably a reason. Go with your gut, don't let your guard down.

Better safe than sorry.

twizzler09 · Jul 3, 2009, 10:34 AM

Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

twizzler, are you and yoru sister both girls? or are you a boy?

my first thought was if you are a boy, he DOES want to create that special bond between a boy and his son. as your care provider, he does need to know things like if you are a virgin or not, and other private issues that a parent (be you step parent or not) need to know.

however, the issue with the door seems very suspect with me. especially if you are also a girl. untill you understand this man better do not let him in yoru room with the door closed.

my husband is my daughters step father. and he is still learning the boundary issues. he has some mental disability and he was raised in a very diffrent home than i was because of his race (he is mexican and i am white)

my advise is, while keeping you and your sister reasonably safe by not letting him in your room and closing the door alone, DO please give him the chance to adjust to parenthood and understand that he is NOT experianced at this sort of thing and it will take time for him to learn everything that is 'right and wrong'

keep in mind that when he was a young boy his father probably DID go into the room and close the door to talk to him about private 'boy' issues. you know?

but again, you didnt say if you were a girl or a boy.

*edit* for got to mention...

you NEED to tell him you feel uncomfratable. reguardless of his reaction to that! even if he gets angry about it. he needs to know! if this is simply him trying to get to know you better, how is he to know you dont like it? how is he to know that he needs to stop being so familiar, if you wont TELL him.

I a Girl.

twizzler09 · Jul 3, 2009, 10:35 AM

I'm a girl

twizzler09 · Jul 3, 2009, 10:36 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

How long did your stepfather date your mother before they married?

I'm not sure... a few months maybe?

jenniepepsi · Jul 3, 2009, 10:36 AM

Girl or boy, my answer still stands hon. Good luck.

justcurious55 · Jul 3, 2009, 10:39 AM

I always say go with your gut. If this guy is giving you the creeps it's best to use caution. If your mom won't listen to you, is there another family member you can turn to? Maybe an aunt or an older cousin? Or maybe it's time for a family meeting. You and your sister can sit down and come up with your own list of boundaries. Then the four of you can sit down together and you can explain that you need certain lines not to be crossed. No more talk about sex, no more being in the bedroom alone, and no kissing or hugs for the time being. He may really just be adjusting. But there's no reason you shouldn't be able to adjust as well. Who knows, maybe ten years from now you'll be calling him "dad" and he'll be the first person you turn to for a hug. Either way, if he's doing things that make you uncomnfortable, he needs to be aware. And if the behavior continues after you've made him aware, then it's time to consider talking to your school counselor or someone who can step in and determine if it's really safe for you to be around him.

JudyKayTee · Jul 3, 2009, 11:04 AM

Agree with the "talk to someone, an adult" idea. I still think maybe he's creepy, maybe he isn't, maybe it's teenage angst, who knows, but better to be safe than sorry.

twizzler09 · Jul 3, 2009, 03:10 PM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

There are two sides to this. The OP may be over reacting, may simply miss her "real" father, anything could be going on. I have no idea how a teenager could purchase and set up a video "or something" in his/her room.

The entire "uncomfortable discussing sexual history" conversation at dinnertime is inappropriate in my eyes.

You are simply assuming that this man is a pervert, that the mother is "snowed," that she is "blinded by love" and I don't think you can make this assumption and add fuel to the fire without more information.

It is not easy being a stepchild; it is not easy being a step parent. I believe there are two sides and you cannot simply condemn the stepfather.

If the advice is to be cautious, yes, that's a plan.

I'm pretty sure I'm not overacting. And this has nothing to do with jealousy and has nothing to do with my "real" father.

justcurious55 · Jul 3, 2009, 05:58 PM

Then I think even more now than before that you need to talk with him and address your concerns. And as I said before, if the behavior continues, you'll need to consider doing more. But until you've talked to him it doesn't seem fair to judge him.

ChihuahuaMomma · Jul 3, 2009, 06:20 PM

I think he's just not aware of boundaries, and is trying to bond. But then again, you know him better than I do. Caution is good, but give the guy a chance, the things you mentioned really could swing either way. Sit HIM AND YOUR MOTHER down, and have a conversation. Your sister as well. Say that you understand things have changed and everyone needs to readjust to this, but you still need your personal space and that you are uncomfortable with him being too affectionate with you. He might just be trying to jump into this role too quickly. Let him know that you are children, and this is difficult for you, so the adjustment phase needs to move much slower. I'd also suggest creating a meeting zone. A place where you feel comfortable, and he feels comfortable to talk. Perhaps the front porch or the living room, somewhere where IF he was a creepo you could escape easily. Talk to your mother, and let her know that your room is your personal space, and you don't want him in there without permission (hence the meeting place).

Hope this helped.

ChihuahuaMomma · Jul 3, 2009, 06:22 PM

If you don't mind me asking, where is your bio father, how much time do you spend with him?

Are you sure your optimism about this guy doesn't have anything to do with the fact that their relationship progressed very quickly? Were you and your sister ASKED if you wanted them to marry? Were your opinions and concerns addressed when this was presented to you?

I am sensing some anger here, and it could be valid or it could be (like others have said) teen angst or anger towards mom, dad, or step-dad.

twizzler09 · Jul 3, 2009, 08:26 PM

Originally Posted by justcurious55

Then I think even more now than before that you need to talk with him and address your concerns. And as I said before, if the behavior continues, you'll need to consider doing more. But until you've talked to him it doesn't seem fair to judge him.

Well I guess I could try talking to him about it, although I doubt he'll actually care.

twizzler09 · Jul 3, 2009, 08:36 PM

Originally Posted by ChihuahuaMomma

If you don't mind me asking, where is your bio father, how much time do you spend with him?

Are you sure your optimism about this guy doesn't have anything to do with the fact that their relationship progressed very quickly? Were you and your sister ASKED if you wanted them to marry? Were your opinions and concerns addressed when this was presented to you?

I am sensing some anger here, and it could be valid or it could be (like others have said) teen angst or anger towards mom, dad, or step-dad.

My biological father passed away a few years ago. :(
And I'm not the type of person to go off and judge anyone... So whether there relationship progressed very quickly or not, I don't think it would have been any of my business either way. She seemed happy about it, so me and my sister just went along with it. It's not that I'm against my step dad, it's just that I don't feel very comfortable around him because of things he does. And knowing my mom won't even lift a finger to fix the problem, just makes it even worse.
FYI: I'm not angry at anyone... just a little confused

justcurious55 · Jul 3, 2009, 11:29 PM

We're all trying to be optomistic here. And maybe that's because he hasn't actually done anything yet. And we're all hoping your mom is blowing it off because it really is nothing. But obviously, we aren't there. We aren't experiencing these situations with you. Until you either talk with him and your mother together or soemthing serious happens I don't know that there's anymore advice to be given. If you don't feel you are able to talk to them, then maybe another trusted family member or adult. Hope things work out for you. Keep us posted.

Gemini54 · Jul 4, 2009, 01:35 AM

Trust your intuition. If you feel creeped out by him, then you're probably right.

As a teenager, your body and your bedroom are your space and the boundaries you establish need to be respected.

Have a talk to your mother - for example, in the car (without him) and be really clear about how you feel. Don't call him a perv or she'll get defensive - just ask her to let him know that you want your boundaries respected and you would like him not to ask you personal questions. Let her know that you want to take your time to get to know him, and he's making you feel uncomfortable. It's her responsibility to have this conversation with him, not yours.

In the meantime, perhaps you can put a sign on the bedroom door that says, "My space. Please don't come in without asking" - or something like that.

Keep telling your mother if he continues to behave like this. She needs to hear about it even if she's in denial.