[Krs]

I don’t know where to start, I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for 5 years.

Recently, well these last 8 days I would say have been very strange.
I admit its practically my fault. I started taking the contraceptive pill after 6 years of not taking,I started again as we are renewing our vows end of this month and go travelling for 2 months, so I started taking it not to get a period throughout this supposdily exciting period of my life.

I don’t they are agreeing with me as I am becoming extra sensitive, emotional and feeling rather low.

I admitted to him last night that I know I'm being stupid and asked to bare with me and if its persists ill go to gynea to change pill..

Anyway.. he was still abit cold with me, maybe I wanted extra attention! I was tired as the night before I couldn’t sleep and he knows that as I was up with him a friend still at 2am as they both come home from the pub and kind of woke me up.

Anyway last night we decided to watch a DVD and I asked him to prepare it and he said IM TIRED, OK, so I thought ill get up and do it, but we need to plug a wire in TV, and I asked him where and he started raising his voice saying – HOW MANY TIME HAVE I TOLD U WERE IT GOES?? ITS SUCH A STUPID QUESTION, ALWAYS Asking STUPID QUESTIONS YOU DO

That’s what he said to me.. it crushed me.. he knows how low I'm feeling so.

I kept it cool… well I tried, then I went near him to get a cuddle and he totally kind of blanked me… and I said you don’t want to cuddle me and he said NO!

Then we started arguing about this and he didn’t respect my feelings whatsoever.

I went to bedroom and cried like a fool.

Then went back in living and we watched dvd in total silence…

At 10 pm his mate rang and asked him out.. he went and before he left said – meeting Zack, won't be late
And left!

I felt so lonely…

He is really not getting me? Why he is being so mean?
Or is it me?

Then at 12.30am he still wasn’t home…
So I messaged him saying – what's the deal john? The more I need you now, the more you push me away. I feel when I'm down you are stepping on me, I'm so tired and can't sleep. I miss you good night.

He replied saying – I coming home soon.

I thought ahhh great, its going to be OK.

He does come home 10 minutes later, but goes straight in living room and watches TV!!

He is serious?? What he is playing at!

I wanted to say nothing but couldn’t, so went in living room and told him – are you dumb or what?? I send you such a message and you come in here, and watch TV and ignore me!
He said – thought you couldn’t sleep! With a weird look on his face!
I couldn’t believe what I heard…. I told him – think about it… I was crying for you like an idiot and I send you a sweet message and you blank me… and stormed off!

He came to bed 5 minutes later but gave me back and slept!

I am so miserable
I should be like this when are renewing our vows soon, I also told him if is sure he wants to do this and he said I'm blowing it out of proporation!

Please help

[taoplr]

Yes, you created this, at least the most recent blow up. And it could be that the lowness you feel is hormonal, due to the meds. You can quickly fix that.

But as you describe his behavior and your behavior, one gets the idea that you two have a relationship pattern to take care of: You verbally abuse each other and emotionally compete with each other. And, you are both losing the competition.

Neither of you is very sensitive to the other. It sounds like you don't understand the emotional life each other lives well enough to genuinely support it. You are like many married people who live with a projection of the other rather than the real person. If you are going to renew your vows, this is a good time to vow that you will learn more deeply with whom you are living, and that you will nurture their well-being better than you have so far.

Your feelings are hurt because he was cold to you when you were down. He's peed off and feels put upon by your more urgent needs for attention and tenderness, for "giving" you some cuddling, or for giving in general. It wasn't a "sweet msg" you sent him at the pub. It was a demand for him to get home. And, he probably feels that you don't give him what he needs either. Meanwhile, you're in no position to give to him, to be emotionally generous, because of the way you feel physically. So, you compete for the scarce resource of TLC (tender, loving care).

This is one of those moments in which you can accept the pattern of your life and let go of your illusions about what you are doing, how you are relating with your husband. No judgments, measurements, or comparisons. Just notice how you and he talk, listen, provide support, learn from each other, and serve as friends to each other. With this insight, you can improve things a lot. I recommend going to counseling together.

It's clear that he does care for you: He comes home late and sits in front of the TV when you need him in bed. But he comes home. That's helpful.

Give yourselves the gift of working on your relationship. Go see a marriage counselor, and do the work. You will be glad that you did.

Tao

[Krs]

Very insight ful thanks.

Most of the time we are quite good as a couple especially for being together for so long, many people tell us how in love we still are.

I didn't mean it as demand that message really :(
I just wanted him to know how low I feel.

I asked him today if he went out to meet his mate because the atmosphere at home was low
And he said no because he is here on holiday alone!
Am I being stupid saying - well he is puttin his mate before me when I need him?

This pill is making me sound crazy I think, is that so?

[liz28]

If you really believe the pill is the cause of all of this then it is time to go back to your gyn and change your birth control pill or method.

The two of you need to come together and have an open discussion in a civil matter. Be careful with your words and don't accuse him of anything. Don't start your sentences off with "you never___, how come you ___, etc." Instead say things like "I would appreicate it if you ___, I like it when you ____, etc".

If things continue married counseling is in order and/or it wouldn't hurt to see one now.

Best of luck to you!

[Krs]

I do think that the argument escalated because of my emotions I have sent him a message saying :-

I appreciate that you kept your mate company because he is on holiday alone however I needed you to be at home last night and not walk away. I know the mood wasn't great but all I needed was a cuddle and this argument would not have escalated. I guess we learn everyday more and more about each other.

Still no answer, maybe he is reflecting?

I love him with all my heart :(

[Krs]

No reply yet!

[talaniman]

Hi Krs, its been a while. You know all couple go through that time when our partners are not giving us what we need at the time. I think its just a matter of making more adjustments, as we learn more about each other, and recognizing those changes.

Yes it could be the pills you take, and that's up to a doctor to solve, but for now, think before you speak or act, as your both reacting to each others emotions and feelings. He can't know what the pills may be making you feel, what man can, and even if you tell him, he (we) still don't have a clue what your talking about.

Back off, and let him process what your going through with less emotions, and demands, because honestly, even after all these years of marriage, I still have to retreat, and go hide in my cave, when the wife goes nutsy bozo about things that I can't see, or understand. Back off, and be patient with yourself, but let him know again, your working on being calmer, and just need his support when your wacky. ( I know, your not wacky, but thats what a man can understand, and not take it personally).

It's just a glitch to get through, so neither of you should really take the others actions personally, and escalate things beyond control.

His emotions will calm down, when yours do. Call your doctor ASAP!!

no reply yet!!

Patients, don't get carried away by your emotions.:)

[taoplr]

very insight ful thanks.

Most of the time we are quite good as a couple especially for being together for so long, many people tell us how in love we still are.

That's good news. You have strength together.

Every couple develops unconscious interactive patterns that set the tone of their relationship. I use the word "tone" here to mean the undercurrent or mood that they live in most of the time. Some couples are chronically hostile in tone and you can feel it when you are with them. But they don't feel it, at least not consciously. Others can be playful, respectful, obsessed, disinterested, and so on. Your tone changes continuously, and can be great or bad at work, while being completely different at home.

Unless it gets extreme, most people don't notice this tone. It's like living in a city and becoming accustomed to the noise and fast tempo. When you discover something that you want to change in your marital tone, however, the thing to do is pay attention and let understanding arise in its own way. When you truly understand, you can change most things. Take your time and just be present.

If my impressions are right, and you are being mutually hostile and competitive (competing for priority position, whose needs are greater, and who gets the energy) you can also realize how much hostility and neediness permeate your state of mind (your mood).

Despite his denials, the DVD plug-in story, plus his coming home and watching TV, turning his back in bed, being cold to you, and staying out late with his mate all say to me that he is angry and wants distance from whatever you were doing when you were being "oversensitive." He needs quiet time.

Simultaneously, he wants to be close to you... just not that behavior. I am wondering if it is needy, whiny behavior ("I need you to hug me, comfort me, say these specific words to me [hold out a script] and indulge me when I feel this way. Incidentally, I have no idea about what is going on in you, and what you tell me about you doesn't have much meaning to me right now. Just comfort me... "

You get the idea. I might have exaggerated, but he might be exaggerating too. It doesn't sound like any worry is called for, but leading up to the renewal of your vows, you could clean up some debris (negative patterns of behavior) that are cluttering up the relationship.

I didn't mean it as demand that message really :(
I just wanted him to know how low I feel.

I asked him today if he went out to meet his mate because the atmosphere at home was low
And he said no because he is here on holiday alone!
Am I being stupid saying - well he is puttin his mate before me when I need him?

This pill is making me sound crazy I think, is that so?

You're probably crazy without the pill. As far as I can tell, everybody is in one way or another. Further, the pill doesn't introduce content into our patterns. We live in worlds of our own making, projecting onto those around us from the stories going on in our minds, suffering because we believe our stories, and looking for comfort from the only place where we can't actually get it: outside of ourselves.

Give both him and yourself a break from this episode. Take full ownership of your own moods, feelings, actions, states of mind, and the fulfillment of your needs. Take an occasional moment to observe yourself and your behavior/thinking/emoting, and communicating, then ask yourself if this is what you really intend.

Last, find out from your husband what it will take for the two of you to communicate at a much deeper level. Don't tell him that you want to do that; invite him.

Tao

[Alty]

I do think that the arguement escalated becuase of my emotions i have sent him a msg saying :-

I appreciate that you kept your mate company cos he is on holiday alone however I needed you to be at home last night and not walk away. i knwo the mood wasnt great but all I needed was a cuddle and this arguement wud not have escalated. I guess we learn everyday more and more about each other.

Still no answer, maybe he is reflecting?

I love him with all my heart :(

Here's what I see in your post.

I need, I need, I need.

You haven't even considered what he needs.

Until you both learn to communicate better, this won't end.

Good luck.

[mum2five]

One of the hardest things to handle in a relationship is conflict. While a good and fair fight can clear the air and help you to feel closer to your lover, many fights are just hurtful and destructive. Fights that never go anywhere, that are repeated time and time again, or that leave you feeling awful about yourself are not going to help your relationship. Those are the kinds of fights you need to take another look at, and find out what is going on underneath.

With most fights, there are layers of what we mean, feel and believe, and what we actually say. We may only say a little of how we feel, or we may even say the opposite of how we're feeling on a much deeper level than the surface. Problems arise when we don't come from the deeper levels.

Some people think that the top layer of what they feel and think is all that there is, yet they feel something's missing in their relationship. Others know how they feel but instead of stating their feelings as their own, they blame how they feel on their lover, leading to hurt feelings and arguing that goes nowhere. This is often the time that people call it quits on a relationship but you are about to renew your vows?

We tend to argue about something meaningless in order to get space from our lover, rather than feel the anxiety or fear we may have about setting boundaries or looking at what we need. We argue to feel more alive, instead of looking at what is missing in our life. We argue about what our lover spent money on, rather than face our own issues about money for example. We argue as a way to control our lover, rather than face our fear of being controlled. Regardless of the content of the argument, until we are prepared to express and respect our lover's deeper feelings, beliefs, and meanings (and he respects ours), very little change can take place.

We can work around our lover's “sensitive points,” expect them to do the same for us, and make compromises, but how far does that really take us? While problem-solving can help, particularly in the immediate future, often it isn't enough for the long run. As long as the deeper issues remain unaddressed, your relationship will be flattened, soured, or lost to meaningless fights.

So how do you get underneath the arguments? By being vulnerable and risking being as open and as honest about yourself as you can with your lover. Take anything you argue about and ask yourself what is upsetting you. Usually people will respond with answers that are about their -partners - he spends too much money, he is defensive, he doesn't listen to me.
What about that bothers you?
How do you feel about it?
How do you react to it, and what does it mean to you?
What are you afraid of?
What do you believe it means about you or your relationship?
Does it remind you of anyone or a situation?
Find an opportunity when you and your lover aren't rushed or distracted, and share how you are feeling about the issue. When mentioning something about his behavior that affects you, phrase it within your own experience ("When I think that you are not listening to me I feel...I then worry that...it reminds me of..). Even when you want to mention something that your lover does, focus on you and your deeper responses. You may want to ask for something specific ("Could we set aside times to listen to each other?") which your other half can consider, but initially it is usually best to have you and your partner listen to and understand each others' deeper responses.

You might be tempted to leap to a solution, but this is only the beginning. If you settle on a solution too quickly, you could miss something that still needs to be unearthed.

You never know what you might discover - it may be a completely different issue than you originally thought. Only by staying with your deeper feelings and reactions will you discover what is underneath these arguments. :)

[Krs]

Thanks for everyone's help.
Things worked out.

I realised I was being needy and crazy with pill

[mum2five]

Am so pleased for you. Sometimes you just need to stand back and look at things a little more deeply.

[talaniman]

Glad to hear it worked out.