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unhappysoul · Jul 1, 2009, 09:42 AM

Hi People,

I am a newbie here, I will have to start from the beginning I was going through a bad relationship a few years ago, I was going through domestic violence etc etc. After I gave birth to my daughter I then decided that I didn't want her around violence and arguments everyday so I told my ex he should leave and we have no relationship anymore, things got worser he would not leave and started torturing me,he was always at home he would not work because he knew I would leave him.

He never left me despite me asking him to for months and months things were escalating arguments were getting worser my bruises were getting worser, I fell into depression and at that point I didn't know what was going on with me I even started self harming myself, a few months later my ex started work but I was always kept an eye on fron his friends etc even if I wanted to go I had no were to go.

Basically I the relationship was finished I was at a point were I hated him but he would not leave my house he would stay there. I felt trapped and ar if there was no way out until I met someone when I met him I told him everything he was so caring and helped me move away from my ex but then I started feeling for him but never said anything as I had my daughter to look after, then after a while we ended up sleeping with each other and we bonded a strong relationship and my daughter bonded a strong relationship with him to. He told me he was married and had kids, he said it was a arranged marriage and its only the kids he would see.

We had little tiff but then I agreed because of my daughter being so close to hime 2 years went by happy having a good life met his family and kids they yould come down every weekend. But then things changed he was never here and even stopped staying with me, I was confused but I asked him again and again he kept lying and making exscuses until I found out that he be's at home with his kids mother and kids, so I told him to leave and I don't want to see him anymore but now I am back in the same situation we have a another daughter and I'm pregnant but he doesn't leave he comes and rqends time here and goes. He says he loves me and things will be back to normal, just be patient. Now I don't know what to do!

Justwantfair · Jul 1, 2009, 09:49 AM

Sounds like you have a whole mess of a story.

If you were ready to leave your first husband then you should have left, not wait for him to leave.

You finally do leave but it's because you took an interest in a replacement beau, who was married with children, without spending any time dealing with the abuse you had endured for many years.

Now he is returning to his wife you are devastated and have more children that you have added to this catastrophy... does that about sum it up?

Stop thinking about yourself.
Think for your children.
Seek counseling, be a mother.
LEAVE ALL MEN alone.
You are so lost, but a man is not going to save you.
It's time to depend on yourself.

MsMewiththat · Jul 1, 2009, 09:51 AM

First I'm going to suggest that you spend some time alone soul searching and strengthening your love for yourself. Through that you will come to the realization that you deserve better and you will treat yourself better. Secondly, I'm going to beg you to stop dragging your daughter through the back and forths of your life. Children need stability and so do you for that matter.
Currently you are with a married man that has two familys and is lying and cheating? And you are expecting a baby by him? Is that correct?

N0help4u · Jul 1, 2009, 09:52 AM

He is stringing you along. He isn't going to leave her for you or he would already be in the process. He spends time with you when he can get away with it... making excuses to the wife like he feel asleep at his guy friends, overnight business trip or whatever. He says whatever it takes to give you a little hope so you will stick with him. He is lying and cheating and you are allowing him to keep you down.

Does his wife know about you at all?

unhappysoul · Jul 1, 2009, 09:56 AM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Sounds like you have a whole mess of a story.

If you were ready to leave your first husband then you should have left, not wait for him to leave.

You finally do leave but it's because you took an interest in a replacement beau, who was married with children, without spending any time dealing with the abuse you had endured for many years.

Now he is returning to his wife you are devastated and have more children that you have added to this catastrophy... does that about sum it up?

Stop thinking for yourself.
Think for your children.
Seek counseling, be a mother.
LEAVE ALL MEN alone.
You are so lost, but a man is not going to save you.
It's time to depend on yourself.

No I never took interest in a replacement, I was a scared 19 year old who had no one to turn to no family or friendr, he was a friend that helped but things got out of hand.

unhappysoul · Jul 1, 2009, 10:00 AM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

He is stringing you along. He isn't going to leave her for you or he would already be in the process. He spends time with you when he can get away with it....making excuses to the wife like he feel asleep at his guy friends, overnight business trip or whatever. He says whatever it takes to give you a little hope so you will stick with him. He is lying and cheating and you are allowing him to keep you down.

Does his wife know about you at all?

Yes they all know about me his parents family and wife he has also said he is going to marry me and his parents see my kids and spend time with them. I do want out of this relationship so I can do something with my life but he does not accept it.

N0help4u · Jul 1, 2009, 10:03 AM

Originally Posted by unhappysoul

No i never took interest in a replacement, i was a scared 19 year old who had no one to turn to no family or friendr, he was a friend that helped but things got out of hand.

Basically he was a replacement.

Often many people get into a relationship to replace their parents because they feel empty or alone. Then they get into other relationships that replace the one that didn't work out whether it was intentional or not. It doesn't necessarily mean you are codependent. Often it just happens.

Justwantfair · Jul 1, 2009, 10:03 AM

Originally Posted by unhappysoul

Yes they all know about me his parents family and wife he has also said he is going to marry me and his parents see my kids and spend time with them. I do want out of this relationship so i can do something with my life but he does not accept it.

First, he is going to marry you with the exception of the fact he IS MARRIED?

If you want out of the relationship, then GET OUT, don't do the same thing you did with the first abuser, just keep hanging around, waiting.

He doesn't have to accept that you want out of the relationship, you just stop communication, he doesn't have a choice, he has A WIFE.

unhappysoul · Jul 1, 2009, 10:05 AM

Originally Posted by MsMewiththat

First I'm going to suggest that you spend some time alone soul searching and strengthening your love for yourself. Through that you will come to the realization that you deserve better and you wil treat yourself better. Secondly, I'm going to beg you to stop dragging your daughter through the back and forths of your life. children need stability and so do you for that matter.
Currently you are with a married man that has two familys and is lying and cheating? and you are expecting a baby by him? is that correct?

Yes I am expecting from him, they are my daughters only I know how much I do for them I have told him he can see kids because I don't want to take him away from them but he does not listen to what I ask of him or the times that he can see the kids, he comes when ever he wants. Ive even threatened hit that I will take a injunction out on him if he doesn't listen to me.

Justwantfair · Jul 1, 2009, 10:06 AM

Originally Posted by unhappysoul

Ive even threatened hit that i will take a injunction out on him if he doesnt listen to me.

What does this mean?

N0help4u · Jul 1, 2009, 10:06 AM

You need to get firmer and stick to it.
When he comes to your house tell him he is not allowed in. If he won't leave you alone call his wife, call the police. Do whatever it takes to get it in his head.
He took advantage of you by trying to make it like he was concerned only to put you into a mess.

Telling you he is going to marry you is only to play on your emotions.
IF you want to marry him what you do is push him with time frames and ultimatiums.

paxe · Jul 1, 2009, 10:09 AM

I don't think we should be so harsh on her as she has a lot on her plate. I do believe that the main problem is financial? Can you be dependent financially? If you can, then loose all men for a long time until you are stable and you feel you have everything under control. If you are not dependent financially then go out there and start to be.

N0help4u · Jul 1, 2009, 10:12 AM

Yeah she is not the one that needs harsh.
She needs to be harsh on him

unhappysoul · Jul 1, 2009, 10:12 AM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

What does this mean?

Sorry spelling mistake. I meant I have told him if he does not agree that we are over and only come and see my daughters then I will take an injunction out on him if I do that he will not be allowed anywhere near where I live.

Justwantfair · Jul 1, 2009, 10:15 AM

Originally Posted by paxe

I don't think we should be so harsh on her as she has a lot on her plate. I do believe that the main problem is financial? Can you be dependent financially? If you can, then loose all men for a long time until you are stable and you feel you have everything under control. If you are not dependent financially then go out there and start to be.

I do not take lightly the fact that the OP was in a domestically violent situation.
I do not take lightly the fact that the OP rebounded into another destructive relationship.
I do not take lightly that there are children involved in the self-destructive behavior.

The answer is counseling, no men in the OP's life and I can guarantee that any coddling of the situation will keep the OP looking for reasons to keep the second married man in the OP's life, which will just continue the path of self-destruction.

If the problem is financial, then call the nearest domestic violence shelter and see if they can help you and your children get back on your feet. Do not continue contact with this married man. You need a break to focus on you and during the pregnancy is your best time to focus on getting yourself back on your feet for your children.

unhappysoul · Jul 1, 2009, 10:19 AM

Originally Posted by paxe

I don't think we should be so harsh on her as she has a lot on her plate. I do believe that the main problem is financial? Can you be dependent financially? If you can, then loose all men for a long time until you are stable and you feel you have everything under control. If you are not dependent financially then go out there and start to be.

No I am not financially dependent on him I started work when I told him we are finished, its mostly him who comes to me begging me for money and tels me that he is struggling.
I have sat for hours and hours at night and thought about it, I think it was me finding comfort and security I had a bad time at home with my parents until I left home when I was 15 maybe that plays a big part, because he showed me love,security and care I thought maybe this was meant to be but obviously not.

Justwantfair · Jul 1, 2009, 10:22 AM

Originally Posted by unhappysoul

No i am not financially dependent on him i started work when i told him we are finished, its mostly him who comes to me begging me for money and tels me that he is struggling.
I have sat for hours and hours at night and thought about it, i think it was me finding comfort and security i had a bad time at home with my parents until i left home when i was 15 maybe that plays a big part, because he showed me love,security and care i thought maybe this was ment to be but obviously not.

You need counseling.
Your behaviors are self-destructive.
You don't see your own value and worth.
You have two (3) children that are dependant upon you.
Please break the cycle of self-destructive behaviors, you do deserve better and your children do also.
The children have to be your main focus, they need you more then he every could, including financially. Do not pass your income on to him.
Call the battered women's shelter, your self-destructive behaviors are common of women who have been abused for many years. They can and will help you.

N0help4u · Jul 1, 2009, 10:29 AM

I agree with justwannabefair...
ALSO he is most likely justifying in his mind seeing you BECAUSE he gives you money,
As long as he gives you money he feels he has a right to say and do whatever he wants when he wants and you should just accept it.
Do not take another dime from him no matter what.

unhappysoul · Jul 1, 2009, 10:30 AM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

You need to get firmer and stick to it.
When he comes to your house tell him he is not allowed in. If he won't leave you alone call his wife, call the police. Do whatever it takes to get it in his head.
He took advantage of you by trying to make it like he was concerned only to put you into a mess.

Telling you he is going to marry you is only to play on your emotions.
IF you want to marry him what you do is push him with time frames and ultimatiums.

No I don't want to marry him I don't want to be the other women.

N0help4u · Jul 1, 2009, 10:35 AM

Good for you now you have to get him to take you serious that you want nothing to do with him.
You just have the one daughter to the ex and none to him right? You are not obligated to him in any way even letting him see the ex's kid. Don't let him pull anything over on you.