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babyshooter11 · Jun 29, 2009, 09:53 PM

I've been dating this guy for almost 5 months now and it's so hard. We both went with a couple of friends to drive to another town that my ex lives in. the whole drive I was sitting next to my boyfriend and couldn't help but think about my ex. I don't miss him. I don't want him back. In fact I HATE him for all of the bs he's put me through. But for some reason I kept wondering what he's doing now and if he isn't the same jerk off he was before. I kept telling myself it wouldn't matter because I've found someone so much better but I still couldn't stop asking myself. I kept thinking about if I ran into him while we were visiting the town. And if I could rub it in is face that have a boyfriend. I just don't understand me and my ex have been over for almost 9 months and I haven't said a word to him in 8 months. We're done, over, completely finished! I'm with someone who I really care about now and I feel like I'm screwing him over by having these thoughts but I can't help it! It's driving me nuts! I don't understand what is going on. If there was an on/off button for these stupid thought about my ex I would switch it off in a heart beat and break the button so that it could never go back on! Please somebody tell me what is going on! I'm so confused! What am I doing and why am I doing it? Is it a closure thing? Please if anyone can give me some input or advise it would be greatly appreciated!

N0help4u · Jun 29, 2009, 11:15 PM

Most likely it is just curiousity and knowing you would be in the surroundings that remind you of him.

I wish · Jun 30, 2009, 06:04 AM

I would say that being in the same proximity has raised your awareness of him temporarily. As soon as you leave town, you'll be back to normal. For the time being, focus on your boyfriend and keep your mind occupied so that these thoughts can go away quicker.

CrazyThumper · Jun 30, 2009, 10:01 AM

Babyshooter- honestly there is nothing wrong with you, and your feelings are normal. Nobody said there is a specific time frame when you should be completely over/or even stop thinking about your ex. Whether it was a good relationship or bad, ended smoothly or didn't you will/may still think about them. I am also starting to date/meet new people and I have been broken up with my ex for 8 months... but I still think about her every single day. And I think about her at times when I'm with anyone new.. it's just the way it is and is part of healing. Eventually you will be absorbed by the new person in your life, and the old will work its way out of your head.

Always be patient with yourself...
Thumper

slapshot_oi · Jun 30, 2009, 11:21 AM

Originally Posted by babyshooter11

...and i feel like i'm screwing him over by having these thoughts but i can't help it! it's driving me nuts! i don't understand what is going on. if there was an on/off button for these stupid thought about my ex i would switch it off in a heart beat and break the button so that it could never go back on! please somebody tell me what is going on! i'm so confused! what am i doing and why am i doing it? is it a closure thing? please if anyone can give me some input or advise it would be greatly appreciated!

Well that's a huge red-flag. Feeling guilt that is.

Originally Posted by babyshooter11

i kept thinking about if i ran into him while we were visiting the town. and if i could rub it in is face that have a boyfriend.

... no one here finds that odd?

You're story has been told literally thousands of times on this message board; girl comes out of a bad relationship and quickly starts a new one with Mr. Wonderful, but, for reasons unknown, cannot get the evil super-villian you once dated out of your head, like he's using Jedi mind-tricks on you. You're not over your ex, the guy you're with now is a rebound. You stopped talking to your ex eight months ago and have been dating this new guy for five, giving yourself a three-month window to move on from your ex; that's pretty short.

You know you're over someone when you really don't care what they're up to or who they're dating. You might not love your ex, but you still have feelings for him that cause you to want revenge by showing off your new boyfriend. Vengeance usually isn't a good foundation for a relationship.

You've done nothing wrong, you're not a bad person, but the guilt you're feeling won't go away. I strongly advise you break-up with him and tell him why.

kredalex · Jun 30, 2009, 02:54 PM

That's pretty normal. You spent a good portion of your life caring about this person and those connections don't go away so quickly. Even if you don't want to get back together with him, its normal to fantasize the old relationship.
If you feel that its really becoming a problem, there are some things you can do. Here is a pretty good article about getting an unwanted someone out of your mind. How to Stop Having An Inappropriate Crush | Dating | Love

redhed35 · Jun 30, 2009, 03:09 PM

Hey,I don't think it's that unusual to think about an ex if your in the same area,maybe you even visited there when you were together.
I've done that.
But,what I did not think was I hope he sees me so I can rub my new boyfriend in his face.
It takes time to recover from a bad relationship.
Try and forget it.. get on with your new man,your ex is in the past,leave him there.

babyshooter11 · Jul 1, 2009, 01:42 PM

My current boyfriend isn't a rebound. During my whole healing process I wasn't even looking for anybody he just kind of invited himself into my life. I don't know if I can break up with him. I don't want to throw him away for something as silly as this. I'm scared I'll never find anyone else like him

57373 · Jul 2, 2009, 11:56 AM

You're not over your ex lol.

If theoretically you called him,and asked to be friends... would that crush you,hearing his voice? Or would you care?

If it would crush you,you aren't over him.

My idea about it is this... if you can talk to your ex and nc is broken and you're dating someone new... then both sides are over each other.

If you are keeping NC while dating someone new... you aren't over the ex.

The point of NC is to get over someone.

NC is usually meant for the single party... and you're dating someone new.. for quite awhile..

I wish · Jul 2, 2009, 12:04 PM

Originally Posted by babyshooter11

my current boyfriend isn't a rebound. during my whole healing process i wasn't even looking for anybody he just kind of invited himself into my life. i don't know if i can break up with him. i don't want to throw him away for something as silly as this. i'm scared i'll never find anyone else like him

First of all, these are two separate issues.

1) Your ex is no longer part of your life. You broke up for a reason. If you feel that there is some unfinished business within yourself, then find a way to get closure within yourself.

2) As for your new boyfriend, If you don't really care about him, you have to let him go. You can't be selfish and hang on to him just because you don't think there's someone better. There are 6 billion people in this world, are you so naïve that there's no a single other person out there that won't match you?

Be true to yourself and be true to your boyfriend. Everyone is different so you can't compare people like that. If your boyfriend makes you happy and you really care about him, then enjoy your time together. But don't hang on to him cause you think he's the only person for you.

slapshot_oi · Jul 2, 2009, 12:29 PM

Originally Posted by babyshooter11

my current boyfriend isn't a rebound. during my whole healing process i wasn't even looking for anybody he just kind of invited himself into my life.

That really sounds like you didn't even want him in the beginning, like he forced himself on to you and you just went with the flow. You still sure he's not a rebound?

Don't downplay it, it's not a silly situation, in fact it'd probably crush your boyfriend. He wouldn't like it if he knew you thought about your ex, never mind showing him off to your ex like a dog. Thought control doesn't exist, but where this has gotten to the point that it bothers you it is now a problem.

And no, you wouldn't be throwing him away, you'd be sparing his feelings, it's better you break it off now before things get carried away.

Originally Posted by babyshooter11

i'm scared i'll never find anyone else like him

You have to consider his feelings too--it's clear you're trying otherwise you wouldn't have created this post, but you're just not there yet--not just your own. This last line comes off selfish.

talaniman · Jul 2, 2009, 12:44 PM

I think you still have those feelings because your STILL HEALING. I will bet it wasn't all that long between the time of the break up and this new guy came along.

It always raises a red flag when your so attached to someone so fast (5 months is not a long time at all) given the recent break up.

Your still learning about this fellow and should be having fun getting to know him, not so attached as to be unhealthy. That's more dependency than having fun.

babyshooter11 · Jul 4, 2009, 11:54 AM

I want my boyfriend in my life. I'm not sure if anybody understands what I'm trying to say. I like my current boyfriend I'm not attached he isn't a rebound and although he did just pop into my life I'm glad he did. The problem isn't that I'm confused whether I like my current boyfriend or not the problem is that I just want to know what would trigger these thoughts, if they are normal, and how I can put them aside for good.

slapshot_oi · Jul 6, 2009, 01:31 PM

Originally Posted by babyshooter11

...the problem is that i just want to know what would trigger these thoughts, if they are normal, and how i can put them aside for good.

Right, and we've been suggesting to you the reason for this is because you still haven't moved on from your ex. Yes, these thoughts are normal for someone still healing, and you put them aside by taking ample time for yourself away from boyfriends and romantic relationships.