[kpdns]

I haven't been dating very much - my last boyfriend was my first boyfriend and I haven't dated anyone since (eight years ago). I've been trying internet dating but I keep getting stood up on the second dates. I am a funny, intelligent, talented, if inexperienced 33 old women. What am I doing wrong? Why aren't guys interested?

[taoplr]

I haven't been dating very much - my last boyfriend was my first boyfriend and I haven't dated anyone since (eight years ago). I've been trying internet dating but I keep getting stood up on the second dates. I am a funny, intelligent, talented, if inexperienced 33 old women. What am I doing wrong? Why aren't guys interested?

There's a difference between not wanting to explore a relationship any further and standing someone up. You've only seen jerks so far who can't get on the phone and say "I have to cancel." The very rare person will tell you the rest of the truth: why. Don't hold your breath for him.

But you can find out why. If you discover a behavior that you can do something about, changing it will put power in your hands. If it's an intrinsic characteristic that you don't intend to change, you still have the power to do what you want with it.

How would you imagine getting this information?

Tao

[I wish]

Maybe it's the type of guys that you've been going out on dates with. Maybe they're not a good match. Maybe you should look for different types of guys to go on dates with.

[Jake2008]

If you've only dated men from internet dating sites in the last 8 years, that might be your problem right there.

That's sort of like dating only men you meet in bars.

Iffy at best, people don't exactly put their honesty out there when describing themselves on dating sites.

What do you do in your spare time. Do you have any interests or do any volunteer work? What about friends that can set you up with someone they know. Do you have a dog you can walk at the local dog park? Spend any time at the local internet cafes?

You sound like maybe it's time to invest some time in yourself, and get out there. Looking for a relationship may be more successful outside the house, and off the computer.

Iwish has a very good point there, you need to meet different types of guys, in different types of places.

[redhed35]

Hey,I was just wondering if your friends and family,work mates,knew you were dating.. the idea being that they may know someone you might be interested in,and because they know you,they would be able to vet the guys they think might interest you..
If your happy and enjoying your life on your own,that's going to attract a man..
What man does not want a happy well adjusted woman.
If you want to stay on a dating site,take another look at your profile,also read others.. most you will find say the same thing,change your profile,stand out from the herd!

[N0help4u]

I think for one guys (and girls) build an image of the person on the internet. Then when they meet the person is nothing like what they made up in their fantasy.
Also a lot of guys are jerks and many on the internet are looking for girls they know will jump into bed on the first date or shortly after the first date.
Then they want to sound like Mr. Nice guy so they say they will see you again but have no intention of doing so.

[walt17]

In my experience most people are not a reliable judge of their own attributes. That is not intended as a put down of you as an individual. It is an acknowledgment that bias prevents subjectivity in most people.

So step one, find a friend or coworker who you really, really trust. Then ask them what you asked us. They know you and therefore will be able to give you a better answer. Just make sure they know you want the truth. In my own life experience I have learned that the surest way to learn about myself is to ask someone who knows me, but has no reason to pamper me.

Step two, look for prospective dates someplace other than the internet. As others have said, finding a date on the internet is iffy at best. And risky. You don't know what the other person is seeking. It may not be what you are prepared to give.

[321543]

I want you to answer a question. Not here, but too yourself, I don't need to know your answer. I want you to see it. I believe in respect.
When you arrange a date or go out does it usually end with sex?
If so, Maybe this could be part of your answer.
In today's world no matter how much you may think you know somebody , don't sleep with them on the first date. Build it up.

Through out a series of encounters. This also cuts the risks of STDs as well. Shows even to the man of your future you have respect for yourself. He will look at you the better for it . Gives you time to do some investigating of your own. ( him ) Men lie and by now I think you of all people have figured this one out.

Learn to refrain , Remember Rome was not built in a day, but many countries were destroyed in one.

[redhed35]

321543,I don't believe all men lie.
Even some men on dating sites are looking for serious relationships.

That's a very broad generalization to make.

[taoplr]

... What am I doing wrong? Why aren't guys interested?

So, you've gotten some suggestions. It would be good for you to respond when you can.

I think that the key question is how do you get someone to honestly and insightfully tell you how you present yourself in these social settings? How you look, act, listen, speak, seem to think, respond, and flirt. Is there someone who will do that? With these questions answered, you can decide what you are willing to change and what you are not.

Meanwhile, take the advice given here, and stay away from jerks.


Tao

[kpdns]

Thanks for the responses - I suppose I can clarify a few things.
1. I don't sleep with people after a single date - if it's going to happen, it will much later down the road.
2. I've asked a few friends to secretly watch me on dates - they didn't see anything wrong with what I was doing. It seemed like I was being myself and enjoying the guy I was with.
3. I am involved with all kinds of activities that I love - I sing, I direct choirs, I run, I swim, I hang out with friends. I wasn't meeting anyone so I tried the internet.
4. I love who I am and what I do. I'm just lonely and would really like to meet someone.

I have great first dates but am continually getting stood up for the second. He'll make plans and then just not show. This wasn't just a one time thing - it keeps happening. I'm just lost as to what to do next.

[Jake2008]

Well, you're doing all the right things as far as I can see. I'm glad you have a rich life.

When you have the first date next time, and he calls and makes the second date, say, for the following Friday, why not call him Thursday, and just confirm.

If he was planning on cancelling or thinking about cancelling, you'll get a pretty good idea. But, on the other hand, if he hadn't thought about it, his confirmation will increase the chances of a second date the following night.

I don't know what you do on these dates, restaurants or the movies etc. but with it being summer, why not suggest a canoe ride, or a picnic at the beach during the daytime. If he's interested, even rent a couple of bikes and find trails just for bikers.

And on the plus side, that you meet and nothing comes of it, just might be a good thing. You aren't wasting your time with men who are simply not interested in you.

Life is short, don't beat yourself up. Seems to be just bad luck, not anything you are doing.

I hope you'll post again when this all turns around for you and let us know how you're doing.

[taoplr]

Thanks for the responses - I suppose I can clarify a few things.
1. I don't sleep with people after a single date - if it's going to happen, it will much later down the road.
2. I've asked a few friends to secretly watch me on dates - they didn't see anything wrong with what I was doing. It seemed like I was being myself and enjoying the guy I was with.
3. I am involved with all kinds of activities that I love - I sing, I direct choirs, I run, I swim, I hang out with friends. I wasn't meeting anyone so I tried the internet.
4. I love who I am and what I do. I'm just lonely and would really like to meet someone.

I have great first dates but am continually getting stood up for the second. He'll make plans and then just not show. This wasn't just a one time thing - it keeps happening. I'm just lost as to what to do next.

Since it keeps happening to you it is in your interest to think of it as your pattern. Maybe it shows a flaw in certain kinds of men, or it's a characteristic of internet dating, but the common denominator is you. And since your friends didn't see anything wrong with what you were doing, one presumes that you weren't doing anything horrible. But that wouldn't account for several people making a second date, then not showing up.

Important questions: How many times has this happened? Over what period?

To think further into this, since you direct choirs, sing, socialize, exercise outdoors, and like being who you are, it appears that you are comfortable in yourself and have excellent social skills. So, what part do you play in the decision these guys make to stand you up? That doesn't mean you create this decision. But if it's your pattern, you somehow promote it or trigger it or influence these men so they behave this way toward you. And yes, they're jerks.

Last, since you report "great" first dates, it seems that you are missing something. I doubt that they decide out of nothing to do their part in this saga. Whatever you do, if you indeed do something that makes this happen, it happens on that first date.

Does all that seem right? If not, please address the misreadings. If it is right, how would you be most inclined to find out what the pattern is? You could double-date with a close friend, for example, or find a way to talk about this with someone who knows you well, or something that works better.

The way out of this pattern starts with you sensing how you want to work on transcending it. Once you choose that, you need information. That's a next step.

[talaniman]

I don't think its you at all, I think its them. Keep having those first dates, being yourself, and have a great time. Eventually, one will want a second date. Until then enjoy. I know people who would love a chance at a date, and have fun.

Don't take their actions personally. You kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.

[kpdns]

Thanks, everyone. You've all provided some wonderful responses and I appreciate it very much. I'll let you know when I track down Mr. Right - although it seems he's quite far off in the future!

[redhed35]

I want you to answer a question. Not here, but too yourself, I don't need to know your answer. I want you to see it. I believe in respect.
When you arrange a date or go out does it usually end with sex?
If so, Maybe this could be part of your answer.
In todays world no matter how much you may think you know somebody , don't sleep with them on the first date. Build it up.

Through out a series of encounters. This also cuts the risks of STDs as well. Shows even to the man of your future you have respect for your self. He will look at you the better for it . Gives you time to do some investigating of your own. ( him ) Men lie and by now I think you of all people have figured this one out.

Learn to refrain , Remember Rome was not built in a day, but many countries were destroyed in one.

Fourth line from the bottom 321543 "men lie and by now i think you of all people have figured this one out" homework done. School out.