[Jake2008]

After further researhing I really think she has Borderline Personality Disorder and also shows some signs of Narcassistic Personality Disorder. Everything I have read about them sounds so much ike what I go through thats its scary.

If this is the case (as I am not psychiatrist by any means) can anything be done? Or is Counselling the best bet?

Be careful with what you read, there are so many diagnosis that seem to fit, but only a Psychiatrist can diagnose. I am familiar with BPD, and the others, and when you are dealing with something that requires a great deal of expertise to identify, let alone treat, she needs to be assessed properly. Not to mention you might worry yourself sick.

It is a good point though, that there may be something to her behaviour that she herself cannot identify or control. Some things are so obvious, like needle marks, and you know what you're dealing with. But even an educated guess isn't going to solve the problems here.

I agree with the others that this goes beyond the settling in phase of a new marriage. If anything you want to spend more time with each other, and her behaviour is for now, not something that is healthy for either of you.

Would she even agree to see the family doctor with you? That may be a less sort of invasive start with a person familiar with you both, and maybe a suggestion from him might not seem impossible to accomplish.

[N0help4u]

I don't know if she has a disorder it could simply be nothing more than her being selfish and inconsiderate.

[AJDAN]

Thank you all again for your help.

I know I am in no position to diagnose anything, its just when I researched BPD and NPD and the feelings it causes spouses/ partners to have when with someone with BPD is so bang on. In most cases if it listed 10 - 12 examples and said if you can relate to 2 or 3 of them then you may be dealing with someone with BPD. I averaged anywhere from 9 - 11 out of the list. And like I said, I could likely list so many odd examples of outbursts, putdowns etc over the past year and beyond.

Last night was our first night together since we had a big argument on the weekend and she is still upset. I know I said mean things in the heat of an argument but it was almost the same as she was saying to me. I asked her what the difference is and why she expects me just to forget and forgive every mean thing/ insult/ request for divorce she says to me but when I finally say anything back she takes it deeply and believes I met every word. Her response was because since she is emotionall unstable that she will say things and not mean them, but since I am more stable and say them then they are true.

I also said on the weekend that I am not ready for kids. She has been crying ever since and explained that she is ready for kids but doesn't want them for another year or two and that since I am her husband I should be ready at anytime to have kids.

Then she told me that "I don't even like her" and that I "need to be nicer to her" and to "stop making her sad" seriously about 15 -20 times and when she kept telling me that everything I said when we were fighting is true I said she was starting to frustrate me a bit because she is not listening to me at all and will only listen to herself. Then she started to cry again. She also said I feel distant to her lately and said its because we have not been getting along. She said she thinks its because "I don't like her" or " I like someone else".

I have suggested counselling before but she would not go. The Doctor thing would be a great idea but despite being an amazing doctor I know she would not agree to that. Every time I try to talk to her about an issue I have it seems that it always goes around to how I treat her and make her feel and that make me feel like I can't go to her with any problems and that I should just work through them myself.

I post on this website and have a close friend/ family member to get some others point of views and to vent sometimes. I know it is no one else's business, but sometimes I wish she would talk to a friend or her sister about things cause then maybe someone will give their point-of-view. I think she is afraid to because then someone might tell her she is wrong about things and as long as that doesn't happen then in her mind everything she says and does is justified and correct.

I feel I have a lot of work ahead of me and once again want to thank you for your time. We are going to be apart this weekend as she is working and I am at a friends wedding. I fear that she will call me to either fight, or tell me how sad she is before or during the wedding which she does every time I go somewhere without her. And even when we go to the weddings together we get into a fight. Once because we were hanging out in a group and she asked to to go get her some cheese and crackers. I went and on my way stopped for 5 minutes to talk to a friend I haven't seen in a while. When I got back the group had broken off and she was sitting alone and she yelled at me that I took to long, that she I left her all alone and literally was pissed off at me for the entire wedding. There has been 3 close friends of mine that got married in the past year and all three weddings have been about her. Okay, now I'm just venting. Sorry.

Thanks again.

[N0help4u]

She sounds like she is manipulating you with placing the blame all on you and not taking any of the blame. Of course much of what she did may be reaction to things you have said and done but you seem open to your mistakes. She is in denial to her share of the blame. Until she can see that you are going to have an unhealthy relationship. It is hard to fix it when the repairs are only being sought by one person.
It takes two.
Don't fall into her blame game. To me it sounds like she was taking advantage of the situation. Like okay she is hurting so now she is going to retaliate and she can bury all her actions under the fact that she feels hurt by you so what EVER she does is your fault. That only escalates the problems.

[jolienoire]

Thank you all again for your help.


I have suggested counselling before but she would not go. The Doctor thing would be a great idea but despite being an amazing doctor I know she would not agree to that. Everytime I try to talk to her about an issue I have it seems that it always goes around to how I treat her and make her feel and that make me feel like I can't go to her with any problems and that I should just work through them myself.


Thanks again.

Honestly, If she doesn't want to get help, and seek counseling you really have no other options.

This situation is really ugly, and it will not just resolve on its own if anything it will dissolve.

Kids are out of the question.

[Jake2008]

Sometimes your description of her seems as though she is quite aware she has problems that need to be addressed, such as how she reacts in public.

Other times, I think she is confused about what she wants, and doesn't think she needs help, like her refusing to see a doctor.

Either way, it leaves you in the middle of this torture, walking on eggshells, and doing your best to get help for her.

I don't know if rational conversation would make a difference in solving any issues, and I'm really sorry to say that.

What you are dealing with are problems she cannot ignore, and she cannot 'treat' herself to venting anger in order to make herself feel better. She knows you are an emotional punching bag, because she keeps acting this way, and you keep taking it.

If she clearly knows that you have limits, and she also knows that her getting help is the only requirement for you staying married to her, and she still refuses, then you have some serious decisions to make.

Maybe a separation, with the same agreement, that if she seeks help and sticks with it, you will consider going back.

I don't think that under the circumstances that is too much to ask, do you?

[Gemini54]

I really like Jake's suggestion that undertaking counselling be a requirement of marriage to her. It puts the ball back in her court and asks her to take responsibility for her moods and demands.

However, and I hate to say this, be very careful in having sex with her. Her desire to have a child may mean that she gets pregnant 'behind your back'. My husband's ex wife suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and 3 months into the relationship she was behaving worse that what you describe - when he tried to set boundaries and 'manage' her behavior, she got pregnant and they had to have a 'shotgun' wedding.

Having said all that, asking her to take responsibility for herself is the only way that you will be able to get a sense of her capacity for self awareness and her willingness to change.