[Starry nights]

Mine is the classic case of not really knowing what hit me:)I had met this great guy online and we hit it off really well... our wavelengths,thought processes,values and morals seemed to gel and we started growing close,even he had acknowledged that he was looking for someone like me... gradually,we were even taking tentative steps towards committing to each other... we were working out the practical part of things,like how and when to meet etc(since we lived in different countries)... in the meanwhile,he started mentioning that things were getting prerrty hectic at work,which meant less and less communication... I value my own space and my work too much,so I was initially very understanding... however,when I started noticing that he was growing more and more aloof(incidentally due to past bad experiences,I had told him right in the beginning that I was extremely wary of the legendary masculine withdrawal symptoms and the legendary aloofness... if he felt like calling it quits at any stage of our relationship,all he had to do was tell me)... so,maybe I lost it,maybe my old fear of feeling neglected had started taking its toll,so there was this exchange of strong mails between both of us and I might have pushed it a bit too far,because I broke it off... later,after about three weeks or so,when I had cooled down,I even tried to sort things out,I wrote to him,tried to lighten things up,to which he responded as well,in a very distant manner,wishing me well for the future etc... I felt hurt,but I still swallowed my hurt and my ego,to let him know I was open to giving it another chance and wasn't seeing anybody...
Its been close to five months now that we haven't interacted but I miss him... I have tried to move on,thinking of this as just another episode,which wasn't "meant to happen",but deep down I know how difficult it is to find such rare connection and now I have lost it... he's still there on the social networking site where we met and his status still shows "single"...
Is there any possible way(without appearing needy or desperate) I can at least resume contact and bring him back?I want to give it my last and best shot so that I never wake up many yrs down the line and feel "what if i had given it another try"?
Would be great if somebody could help!
Starry Nights.

[ZoeMarie]

I would leave this alone. I'm assuming he knows how to get in contact with you if he wanted to? It's time to move on. Don't even check his page on this social network. Delete him off your friends. You're not going to be able to get over him if you keep checking up on him. Good luck!

[Starry nights]

Thanks ZoeMarie... I was doing exactly the thing you have suggested,i.e getting over him... but there's still this nagging feeling that I did not try enough... that I have been pretty harsh on the mails and a situation which may not have been damaging,became just that because of me... I must admit,I do have a tendency of having dramatic outbursts that can ruin good relationships... the point is,I still feel like giving an effort,but the problem is I don't know how to go about it...

[ZoeMarie]

I would consider this a hard lesson learned. If it was meant to be, it was meant to be but in this case it doesn't seem like it was.

Look on the bright side, you might find someone local that you can talk to in person and really get to know. You might think that you guys knew each other really well but when you meet someone in person it's completely different. You'll get through this, it just takes time.

[jmooney527]

It's very very difficult to have a long distant relationship, let alone in two different countries! I agree and advise you to let this one go... I think you are post-analyzing everything you did and that usually leads to trouble. Learn and grow from what you believe you did to push him away. In your next relationship (hopefully more local) you can learn from these mistakes you made.

You already reached out to him and got his reaction... so apart from begging or bribery (which is not attractive) you can't do anything to get him back. Just move on with your life and do whatever it is that makes you happy as an individual... maybe down the road he might want to give it another chance but you can't sit there and wait for an unknown like that to happen.

[liz28]

Starry Nights you might want to put an effort into giving this relationship another shot but he doesn't. So you have to accept that and get yourself out of denial. Sometimes there are no second chances you only get one shot.

You have to accept the relationship you once had with this guy is over then move on. I know we all heal differently after a break-up but you should be in a different place after 5 month.

If anything you should have learnt from all the mistakes you did in the relationship you had with him. I mean after all you did dump him.

Yes this guy might still be single but he doesn't want you and you shouldn't want someone who doesn't want to be bother by you.

Start going out and whatever you do don't contact him. Stop living off false hope and start living. Life is too short and tomorrow is never promised so get out there and start living. Go out with your girls, start dating, join a gym, and most of all start having fun. Get past this guy--you can do it.

[Starry nights]

Thanks JMooney527 and Liz28------I know ,when I read your suggestions,that all of it was right... I should cut my losses,move on,start seeing other guys,in fact you did hit the nail on the head by saying I was post-analyzing... its always been like this with me... when something happens to me,I generally put it all away for that time,convince myself,am fine and move on,it's a kind of blocking you could say,several yrs of cultivated practice haha:))... and later,much later,these things resurface and then starts the analysis and the healing...
Can't thank you enough in making me see the point and helping me understand that,yes,its OVER... its of course not desirable,but then I can't undo what's done,so the best I can do,is learn from my mistakes and find somebody who would want me..!. Sometimes though I can't help wishing he too gets up one fine day,realises I had screwed up but hey what the heck,we are not perfect,so for the sake of what we had,lets give it another try... but chill,its all wishful thinking and don't worry,I will hold on to my new-found realisations and your advices,to see myself through this:))

[Starry nights]

Merged threads


Ok,so the clock's ticking and I am not getting any younger.Some bad and short-lived relationships,some "almost-marriage" situations,some running after unavailable men and some secret crushes later,here I am,still waiting for Mr Right,completely clueless about where to find him.Of course I am not mincing words when I am saying I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone but I don't like to believe I am desperate or frustrated.Life's good but now that friends and cousins are settling down and since like almost everybody here,I have always wanted to go the whole nine yards,have the "works",replete with husband,babies and the like,I believe its high time I put myself out there again and try.Five months after my last screw-up,I think I am in that zone where I am again ready to give the relationship thing a try.

However,even as I feel perked up,there are two issues that prevent me from feeling wholehearetedly positive about the whole thing.One of them has been what I call "the relationships cross" I carry with me all the time.There is this ingrained,very deep-seated almost unshakeable fear in me that I am a total,complete loser when it comes to maintaining a relationship and carrying it to the final stages.I don't know if that has arisen out of the various debacles or the idea itself has stirred me to sabotage my relationships.My friends who know me better than myself like to disagree.They feel its not always my fault(though thanks to their constant pep-talks and my introspections) I keep working on those areas I feel are the pain areas in causing my relationships to go bust.According to the post-relationship screw-up discussions,we always come up with "Oh,you know what,it just wasnt meant to be" or "You both wanted different things" etc etc.Whatever it is,each mess-up just reinforces the idea that no matter what,I can't make a relationship work.

Another of my pet peeves is the fact that when in a relationship,I sometimes tend to start panicking or giving in to a thousand different insecurities and transform into someone even I can't recognise.I tend to want a relationship to mature very fast,so that we can skip the "lets know each other","lets take it slow" stages and reach a stage of commitment,so that I know where I am,instead of dating endlessly without the guy coming up with any thpught of taking it further.In the process I tend to get anxious,panicky,nagging and extremely dramatic at times.Again,being an extremely analytical person I do tend to overanalyse myself,the situation more than is required(at least that's what friends say) but all this is because I don't want to fail again.

I am sick and tired of being in relationships that don't work and every time I enter into one,I almost have a premonition it won't work.

Am I sounding completely nuts or does some of this make any sense to anyone out there?Because if it does,I think I am going to need some solid advice before I start playing the field this time.Bottomline is,I don't want to end up in tears this time around.

[redhed35]

Hello,aren't you the smart women! Seriously,you know yourself well,you know why you freak out,you know what you want from the relationship,and you know where your going wrong.. really your in a better position then most people.

Instead of dating one man,date 2 or 3.. I recommend you don't have sex with them,not for any moral reason but just that it will keep you from getting emotionally attached.

Instead of waiting for the serious part of the relationship to emerge,just enjoy the company,the date,spend time doing the things you enjoy yourself,plus time with your friends.
How many times have you heard the saying'i was not looking for love,he just appeared!'

When you do meet someone you like,try not to force the relationship,as you said yourself you bypass the 'getting to know you stage',this is the stage where you can decide if this man is worth pursuing,hence you avoid the 'dam,he's an idiot,drunk,womeniser or plain gives you a pain in your face!

This time your going in to the dating scene forearmed and with the knowledge that you know yourself and what you tend to do..
Use that information.. you have learned valuable lessons about yourself,and you sound like a smart woman.

[talaniman]

Be happy with yourself and pay attention to what's around you.

People who love themselves for who they are, seldom fall for the BS of others, or worry about being hurt by others. They take care of themselves and know how to have a great time.

Part of loving yourself is dealing with your own feelings, and the baggage from the past.

[Starry nights]

Thanks Redhed(you do make me sound smarter than I am,though, If I were that smart I am sure I would have been more successful in the relationship thingy!) and Talaniman(you are right,the key I suppose is to look within for peace and happiness).However,I still need advice on how to take a relationship to the next level(of course only if I like someone),past the initial stages and let the guy know I am interested in pursuing this further,WITHOUT FREAKING OUT OR SCARING THE GUY OR APPEARING NEEDY AND PUSHY?The problem with me is the pace of the relationship,I have had a man tell me my emotions flow much faster and that it was difficult for him to keep pace.
Any suggestions?

[Starry nights]

There's some news I wanted to share with people out here.Recently we had an official meet out of town.Colleagues from all other branches across the country had come and we had a great time bonding with each other.There was this guy(from a different function than mine,so,while I do need his support time to time,our line of work doesn't require much interaction with each other),about whom me and many others in the company have a very high regard.He's totally on top of his work,is a great team leader and is like the backbone of the company.So,there was this incredible chemistry(not that we could spend a lot of time alone,considering it was a short trip and there were always so many people around)and I could tell he was pretty attracted towards to me.During the sessions and the activities,I caught him looking at me with interest quite a number of times and come over to have short chats whenever the situation could permit.Let me tell you,he's one of those guys who have "bad news" written all over him(incidentally,the kind I never fail to fall for:))--the quiet,reserved,hugely intelligent,smart,"knows what he's doing and what he wants to do",in control kind of guys,the aloof,loner kind,who have this natural charm of being extremely polite and respectful at the same time,never raising his voice,yet putting across his point in a no-nonsense kind of a way.So,as luck would have it(I honestly don't know why it always happens this way.This time,considering my track record and my new-found realisations I went to just have fun and not really thinking of anything along the lines of men or romance,just spending some good times getting to know people),I fell for him hook,line and sinker though I definitely did not lose control.I was just being me,not even going out of the way to impress him or anybody,did and said what I do and say in normal situations,yet whenever we got talking together,I could feel the intense vibes.Again,as luck would have it,we were on the same flight back home.He and his team got down midway and I flew back home.It was like we did not really want to part and I kept telling myself,this was just a short holiday romance,nothing could come out of it,so don't act dramatic and heart-broken etc etc... all those pep-talks helped since I managed to say goodbye and all the best(so did he,what else could we say after all)without looking like a lost puppy.All the while back home I could not stop thinking of him.So this morning I sent him a text message(he had incidentally helped me with a presentation,so it wasn't out of line to thank him for that after the meet),thanking him for helping me etc etc,to which he responded,in his natural concise yet affable style,that it wasn't any problem and I was welcome.
So,while I am being realistic about the whole thing and see it for what it was(maybe),just a short holiday chemistry,I can't help but feeling a little upset with my luck.Why is it that every time I feel I am getting on with life,trying to pick up the pieces,not wanting to involve my "achy breaky heart"in any more half-baked fling or short-lived attraction,why is it that every time I tell myself I would save myself from the trouble and eventual pain of meeting someone I really like and then having to see them go,why is that when all I want is a happy,wholesome relationshipe that goes somewhere,destiny has this way of ruining it all and putting me back a few steps?Why do I always feel I am like this puppet actually,whose life is purely run by destiny's whims and fancies?
I know there is no answer anybody can provide to this question and all maybe I am looking for at this moment is some nice,comforting words of solace.Anybody there for some "kind words for the soul"?(:))

[talaniman]

We all feel that way when we meet someone we are attracted too, and yes it does stay in our minds a while. Your not alone, just human, and as you get back to the normal routine of your life, you still may remember those feelings. That's normal too.

We are all humans with feelings. Usually something else comes along and grabs our attention, another person, another party, another experience. Then old feels fade as new ones take their place.

Hope that helps some.

[redhed35]

You don't really know this guy,the attraction was there,and he now has your number,if he is interested he will call...
Your quest for the holy grail of relationships should be with yourself.
No one out there no matter how strong the attraction no matter how perfect you feel or think they are,can give you the peace and happiness you can bring for yourself.
Maybe without realising it your are sending out those relationship vibes.
There is a woman where I work,she is so professional and gives off an air of strength and confidence,people flock to be in her company,men and women alike. She does not look like a movie star,nor has she the body of a goddess,but the air of confidence and smile just draws people.
She gives the impression of a woman who is comfortable with herself,grounded and happy.

Why not just give yourself a holiday from thinking about a relationship,take 3 months for you. Just you.keep a journal for the 12 weeks,at the end look back on what you have written,maybe you will learn something about yourself that you did'nt see before.

Stop looking outward for the utopia,and look within.

[Catsmine]

Starrynights, you said it yourself... STOP LOOKING! Go out, make friends, let friends move closer at their own pace. If you call them more than they call you then you're pushing it. The only way a good relationship can develop is to develop, not explode in your face. That only happens in John Cusak movies.

The proper sequence is acquaintance, friend, close friend, partner, lover, mate. Out of order means tons more work.

[Starry nights]

Starrynights, you said it yourself...STOP LOOKING!! Go out, make friends, let friends move closer at their own pace. If you call them more than they call you then you're pushing it. The only way a good relationship can develop is to develop, not explode in your face. That only happens in John Cusak movies.

The proper sequence is acquaintance, friend, close friend, partner, lover, mate. Out of order means tons more work.

I think it was destiny that I join this forum and interact with all you great people.Post my break-up,I had anyway started working on myself,doing all those things I always wanted to do,reaching within etc,to keep my mind off the inevitable pain and hurt.By God's grace I have amazing friends and the best family ever,so the going was good.But I still was missing something--"perspective" from people who didn't know me and who wouldn't just tell me I was good,things would work out etc etc(all the lovely stuff one's loved ones would always keep telling you).I needed hard-hitting facts and solid advice and I found that from you all.Thanks so much for all the advice.I am now positive I can do this(i.e the working on myself thingy,though be rest assured I would be needing all the help I can get from you)and eventually,maybe,find something I always have been looking for:).