[feellikeafreak]

I've been hiding it for a long time 32yrs old. Its not morals or religon, though I have strong morals.
I've sought therapy and am sure that I was misdiagnosed by my therapist as having childhood trama only. Yes I had plenty of childhood and adolesent trauma, but IMO not enough to avoid any sexual physical contact. I'm sure after admitting and finally refusing to hide from myself, that I have PAD in addition to seeing and being greatly affected by my parents total lack of affection for each other and constant fighting and completely ignoring(but not directly abusing, or not loving)there children.

I'm afraid to watch pornography, and have avoided sex, or physical intamit contact at all costs. I thought that maybe I was gay(which still wouldn't explain my avoidance), in fact sort of wished I was at times just so I would have a ray of light of not being allown. I was never overly attracted to women, except muscular ones. But...
I believe that is because the physical presence suggest domainance which my mother had in relation to my appathetic, mentally fragil and completely self absorbed father.
The only time I do feel truly attracted to physically average attractive women is when in physical contact with them(which of course is extremely limited) i.e. simple touching hugging haven't gone much further.

I want at this point just to see if there are any people that have advise or similaritys more so that just the adult virgin thing that is. But all are extremelly welcome to comment.

I've had to bust this out(how ever extremely painfull to even write about) because of a girl that I like and the fact that she has awakend how truly painfully allown I am.

[bronzebabe]

I am glad that you realize that this is an actual illness. It sounds like you are bordering on a "phobia". I hope that you are continuing your therapy, and perhaps you can work thru this and have an actual relationship. You probably would be surprised how many adults have the same problem as you do.

[feellikeafreak]

Thanks, I know that I'm not allown but for a long time I just ignored it. Non of my friends know about this. I've made friends with good people but they are shallow and don't challendge my isolation issues because hanging with friends isn't hard for me.
I just want to fix/be fixed myself and don't know if going directly at the situation is the cure or would that make it worse.
Plus this girl is pursuing me but I doubt I could trust her with the virgin info, but I really like her and she's good looking. But she has issues herself and she's still married, all my friends say stay away. But I don't want to because she takes charge(just like mom), but that isn't the basis for a health relationship. Also she is my friends wife sister and the hole family would end up knowing.

Am I on the write site for this question this sites forum is hard to understand?

[Catsmine]

Am I on the write site for this question this sites forum is hard to understand?

There is a "Relationships" section but this is close enough. A strong woman pursuing you may be what the Dr. ordered, but definitely NOT this one. Family, Married, A friend's family: 3 strikes she's outa there.

You say you don't have trouble making friends; let a couple of them get a little bit closer, enough so that you can discuss personal issues. That way you'll have a chance to put the therapist's advice into practice.

[DrJ]

PAD?

Peripheral Artery Disease?
Public Affection Deficit?
Portable Application Description?
Phi Alpha Delta?

[Nestorian]

To the OP,

If your parents relationship was unhealthy chances are it messed up your entire preception of what is, what was, what maybe, and how it should be. Since you seemed to disassociate your parents lack of affection, neglect (you said ignoring), and verbal assult (constant fighting you said.), with Abuse I think you need to Look up what kinds of abuse are out there.
Abuse is not limited to hitting or physically unwanted touching. It also includes things such as:

Four Different Types of Abuse
Neglect is the most common type of abuse. Some research claims children are more likely to be neglected if they're poor because parents are preoccupied with survival – but wealthy families definitely can and do neglect their kids. Neglect occurs when parents or guardians don't provide food, shelter, safety, supervision, clothes, education, attention, or medical treatment – often it's about what they don't do. This is an abusive relationship.

Physical abuse can be the easiest of all four types of abuse to spot because the clues can be obvious when someone hits, slaps, beats, burns, kicks, or stabs you. However, there may not be evidence when someone grabs your arm, shakes you, or pushes you around – but that's definitely physical abuse. Abusive relationships can be easy to recognize.

Sexual abuse is any form of touching, intercourse, or exploitation of your body. This includes taking pictures you for sexual purposes, asking you to touch someone else's private parts, and making sexual references to your body. Being forced to touch or have sex with your boyfriend or girlfriend against your will is sexual abuse. Abusive relationships can make you feel ashamed.

Emotional abuse is when someone threatens or humiliates you. This includes calling you names, putting you down, insulting you, or breaking your things. Control is a huge part of emotional abuse and involves chronic anger, jealousy, accusations, and distrust. This type of abuse is the hardest to spot because the injuries aren't physical or immediately visible. Emotional abuse can be mistaken for passionate or intense love. Abusive relationships don't always involve physical violence.
There are 11 warning signs to watch for, I suggest you read through them. 4 Different Types of Abuse: How to Recognize Abusive Relationships | Suite101.com

Now on to Child development. As we grow we learn things in many different ways, and believe it or not, our sexual habits, tastes, understanding, and likes/dislikes are greatly influenced by the child hood expereinces. I"m not talking about Freudian Psycho Analysis, I'm talking about how we learn to associate things at a very young age. If you get the chance read chapter 4 of the book, "The brain that changes it'self" by Norman Doidge M.D. It talks about how some people find pain pleasurable, and why some people are turned on by odd things. I won't go into detail, but basically our Pleasure center in our brain is turned on and we then associate what we are expereinceing with that pleasure, thus Pain = Pleasure. However, these cases are perversions from the general norm.

There is more to it and it gets into some pretty deep details, but that is just a small part of what the book teaches. The question is why are you afraid of sexual contact? (I am curious if you are not repressing something {you wouldn't know that.}, or if you were scolded for sexually exploring yourself as a child, and your mum or dad or some one else took it so far as to terrify you.) Seem like half baked ideas I know but they are still plossible.

Try counselling with other counsellors, Hypnosis may be of help, search out support groups/agencies, and try to answer why you are afraid of sexual activities, or avoid them. I'm guessing that apart of your misstrust in others is due to your parents fighting all the time, if you can't trust your significant other who can you trust? (No one?)

Peace and kindness be with you.

[feellikeafreak]

PAD?

Peripheral Artery Disease?
Public Affection Deficit?
Portable Application Description?
Phi Alpha Delta?

Personality avoidance disorder-I never felt like I had any similarities, until I did some research and went through tons of disorders. Though I haven't been officially diagnosed by a pro. I know that is what I've got. I actually breathed a sigh of relief reading the symptoms and the causes.

I want to know someone who has successfully dealt with this and developed a relationship.
My big concerne after reading on this forum and seeing that allot of adult virgins seem to have multiple friends that they share the info. With.
I have been confiding in intlegent male friend. Which is actually alien and that's funny that I can only confess weakness to women when I fear bonding with them in fear of fealing inferior as a man in there view.

Catsmine- let me clearify she is married no kids about 28yrs old. She has many similar life experiences as far as her parental up bringing on the negative. She was forced to be married due to her fathers domanance and religious beliefs. I'm a regular white guy and truthfully have always been allured to some extent by different ethnic girls.
Either way I told her that I wouldn't proceed unless she got a divorce and I was sure that her connection to him is completely over. I also told her to do it for herself not just because of me. ALSO she talks a big game about "I always get what I what" but I am more then sure that she isn't a supersexual girl, but a girl that wants love but has no idea what it is because she hasn't ever seen it.

The reason that I fear confessing to her is that she could either be extremely accepting of the situation, or totally freaked out in my experience that's what you get one extreme or the other with people that have similar issues.

I'm also very sick of hurting women and pushing them away after they get a small emotional connection to me. I'm a good guy and can't stand hurting a woman because I can't admit to them that hay(eventhough I'm well groomed and mannered) I have a real problem, because then the great illusion that I convey is over and in my mind I'm now worthless to them. Hate the Idea that I have ever damaged a women's ego because of my stuff.
Take this as you want I meen no offense but she grew up in a getto and had only dated guys that were after a free ride and sex(don't read into the statement its factual to both her and I, its not racial nor do I insinuate that there aren't any good people in a bad area of town) point is that she hasn't ever dated a nice guy and views me as a truly nice guy and if I push her away I don't want her to think that she isn't worthy of a nice guy.

I'm a relatively intuitive guy and I feel that I have begun to push her away/hurt her by reading into her problems and putting it out there for her to deal with.

[feellikeafreak]

To the OP,
There is more to it and it gets into some pretty deep details, but that is just a small part of what the book teaches. The question is why are you affraid of sexual contact? (I am curious if you are not repressing something {you wouldn't know that.}, or if you were scolded for sexually exploring yourself as a child, and your mum or dad or some one else took it so far as to terrify you.) Seem like half baked ideas i know but they are still plossible.

Try counselling with other counsellors, Hypnosis may be of help, search out support groups/agencies, and try to answer why you are affraid of sexual activities, or avoid them. I'm guessing that apart of your misstrust in others is due to your parents fighting all the time, if you can't trust your significant other who can you trust? (No one?)

Peace and kindness be with you.

Here's the run down please call it as you see it. I was from day 1 in school picked on and greatly affected by a bully that would knee me in the groin and I felt that I was in ferior and couldn't talk to myself absorbed Dad and overworked totally unintuitive and emotionally vacant Mother. {I dealt with that a bit in therapy but am sure that it affects my male self confidence}.

When I was 10yrs old there was an adult moderately retarded neighbor that was left uncheck as a threat by my parents and for that matter his parents. I walked with him into the woods and he tied me to a tree. It was not forced but he told me he was going to show me how to tie a knot. I don't think that I was molested physically, but at 10 I certainly felt that I was completely userped of my power and own free will so I was definitely mentally tortured by it, and that makes me feel molested. And often wonder if there was more to it that I am suppressing or he just untied me. Either way I do firmly believe to this day that molestation was his motive, I could be but doubt that I'm wrong about that. I felt guilt for being cooperative in being tied up. I told my Mother when I was 22yrs old, kindof as a stab at her for allowing her children to be around someone like that without supervision, or quite frankly at all as Mom always worked to jobs and was apparently unaware until recently that Dad was always out getting stoned at a neighbors house instead of watching me and my bro, as my Mom had thought.

[Nestorian]

You are displaying very strong signs of CONFUSERS (Patterns of thinking that confuse us.) such as; Misattribution (when some one blames the way they feel on other/s and things around them. Actually very commen and I'd go as far as to say 80% if not more of us do this, but some do it to a destructive point.), Cognitive Deficency (Like tunnel vission you see only what is right before you, and if you are focusing on negative things then all the possibilities around it are obscured or forgoten/ignored. This is a rather complex mental issue and I can not tell you much more on it.), Either/or thinking (When some one thinks, "I'm not lovable" then molding into, "Then i will never find some one to love me, and even if I do i'll never be good enough for them." The idea behind that is that either you are lovable and you are with some one who loves you, or you are not lovable and are alone or in a poor relationship.), Avoidence thoughts (when some one is uncomfortable and feels the need to escape or simply will not talk/think about specific situations or subjects.). I'm no psychologist but that just what I've noticed.

Hmm, you sound as though you are stuck between what you believe to be right, and what general society considers taboo, and your desire/need to be intimate/with some one.

You feel bad about hurting other women and for pushing them away. You were raised not to expect women to be emotionally connected with you, as your mother "seemed" neglectful. But why do you push them away?
"I have a real problem, because then the great illusion that I convey is over and in my mind I'm now worthless to them. Hate the Idea that I have ever damaged a womens ego because of my stuff."-you
Do you realise that you damage their ego, to protect your ego?

Do, you think you are a nice guy? I think you need to Learn to Love, forgive, respect, know, and be yourself.

Avoidant Personality Disorder
For any one who is curious about PAD.

I can't think of anything more to say at the moment, but Counseling, and theorapy.

[feellikeafreak]

Little confused when you talk about society are you saying that I shouldn't feel bad about not going out of my way to form a relationship with someone.

I'm going to see a sex therapist on the 24th, but I want to know what you all think I should do besides therapy, as far as seeking a relationship, or something on Craiglist, or trying to find a group of people with intimacy problems to start sharing with(I'm having trouble finding 1)
I'm not saying that I'm just going to find a relationship and that will fix all. I intend to seek professional help as well. But its not society telling me I'm lonely I'm lonely and its destroying my life, since I met that girl I'm lost 10lbs and stop going to the gym and my eating is terrible(tunnel vision you were talking about).
I'm not going to deal with her while she's married though.

[feellikeafreak]

There is a "Relationships" section but this is close enough. A strong woman pursuing you may be what the Dr. ordered, but definitely NOT this one. Family, Married, A friend's family: 3 strikes she's outa there.

You say you don't have trouble making friends; let a couple of them get a little bit closer, enough so that you can discuss personal issues. That way you'll have a chance to put the therapist's advice into practice.

The friendships I have formed are very old but trust me when I say that 2 of my friends that are my oldest and closest are not nearly at the intuitive level to exen attempt or understand what I'm dealing with. The other friend I have tried to confide in is cool but he just says "I don't understand why you feel that your not good enough, or you don't deserve love". Though I totally appreciate the concerne of this friend, I haven't confided the hole depth of my problems though.

[Catsmine]

The friendships I have formed are very old but trust me when I say that 2 of my friends that are my oldest and closest are not nearly at the intuitive level to exen attemp or understand what I'm dealing with. The other friend I have tried to confide in is cool but he just says "I don't understand why you feel that your not good enough, or you don't deserve love". Though I totally appreciate the concerne of this friend, I haven't confided the hole depth of my problems though.

My point was to have someone to go over your therapy sessions with to plan out how to implement the therapist's advice.

[ElizabethOrient]

At age 32, you have reason to be concerned about the sexual side of your personality.

Is fear holding you back from initiating sexual contact such as a kiss or of being receptive to another's sexual approach?

If so, what is the fear, think about fears and identify it, or them. Fear of rejection, embarrassment, or subconscious religious fears, fear of making a mistake(perfectionism)... think deeply and rationally.

As you know, people learn about their sexuality from sexual experience. Fear of experimentation is preventing you from knowledge about yourself. Just like learning what brings pleasure from all life experience, sex is trial and error. :)

Never be afraid of making a "mistake"... never be afraid to live.

Best wishes,

ElizabethOrient

[feellikeafreak]

At age 32, you have reason to be concerned about the sexual side of your personality.

Is fear holding you back from initiating sexual contact such as a kiss or of being receptive to another's sexual approach?

If so, what is the fear, think about fears and identify it, or them. Fear of rejection, embarrassment, or subconscious religious fears, fear of making a mistake(perfectionism)....think deeply and rationally.

As you know, people learn about their sexuality from sexual experience. Fear of experimentation is preventing you from knowledge about yourself. Just like learning what brings pleasure from all life experience, sex is trial and error. :)

Never be afraid of making a "mistake".... never be afraid to live.

Best wishes,

ElizabethOrient

Thanks that helps and seems allot more proactive.

But how do I find and date a girl that will not totally jump out of the car like I nuts? After about 3 dates its normal to get physical and I want to get physical. But its not enough to time to trust someone with this info. About me.
"Hey by the way I have a fear of being sexual and touching etc." I meen how would the women on this site react to that?

But it is mostly fear of rejection and lack of skills at this point.

I was always good at sports, and I could figure out how to fix things and work harder than the next guy. And the idea of be not good at something pearlizes me.

I know that I don't have to go and shouldn't go full bore with all the info that I've shared here. But I need some real input on how a 28-30 women is going to take that. I have no idea where to find an accepting person for that sort of thing.
I did confide far more with my friend today, because he took a stab at me in the a.m. saying that he didn't believe that I had the tenacity to fix myself I (but he didn't know that I'm on this site and going to see a therapist next wednesday).
So I fired back that it hurt and that wasn't the way to help a person with a disorder or phobia. It lead to way more conversation and I told him that I would tell him everything soon but I just wasn't comfortable enough to do so yet. That felt good. He is the only male that I had ever told anything to and I picked him as a strong male role model years ago, which I admitted to him.

[ElizabethOrient]

I think you have to accept the fact that you are going to be hurt by many situations in life... all you do is discuss your emotions the next day with a wise person(therapist most likely)and get all the feelings out. Then, you can move forward and not get stuck in your fears.

Really, you just have to act. Do. Don't think. Steal a kiss and see what happens. That's a nice start. :)

Best wishes,

Elizabeth

[feellikeafreak]

Went to new therapist today. She was amazing compaired to last therapist. I got more out of 1 session with her than 2-3yrs with the last. Totally knew what I was dealing with an got to the questions that I was afraid to ask myself. Definitely don't feellikeafreak its just a mental block that I have to brake down.

Figured that I would report the good news. I know it won't be easy and not cheap $275 but what is a healthy life worth. Next appt. July 1st

Girl is giving me mixed signals relationship wise. I really think she has issues somewhat similar to mine or at least parental mistreatment. I don't know what to do but I can't really stay away, unless she wants me to that is.