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justme89 · Jun 17, 2009, 01:39 PM

Hi everyone... im really needing some help. I've began to think that I'm crazy living with this for so long so here goes... rite after my divorce to my first husband I met this guy and he was great. He helped me through my divorce and told me what to expect... he had ben through one two himself. We dated a while and we got very close we enjoyed each others company and we fell in love... or maybe... it was just me in love I'm not sure. We got married and been together for 7 years. Throughout the 7 years though there has been things that started as what I perceived as weird or different... now I see. For example... if we would be in a fight and he mite say something that truly hurt my feeling and I started crying he would just look at me... do nothing... I once cried hard all night beside the bed while he laid there then finally drifted off to sleep. He hurts my feelings very easily and when I tell him that he has he just gets very defensive and angry and ignores my pleas with him and kindof like he's punishing me even more for being hurt?? He does a lot for me like works hard and helps around the house and helps with the kids, which are his stepkids, just when it comes to actually caring for my heart he doesn't. I once went through a misscarriage and I was at the hopspital
Alone... he wasn't there for me. Over the past 7 years I have kept telling myself... someday he will love me... I must be nuts... but that's what I've done for love. When were fighting he wants me to leave him alone and I've even tried that... I finally couldn't take it after a week of feeling hurt. And when were fighting like I said it starts as one thing then with what he does it makes me feel as if I'm nothig to him, unimportant... and just as if he really doesn't even love me and tells me its my fault I'm hurting he even once told me that I don't deserve to be cared about. After awhile or sometimes il just say sorry even when its not me that should be... he comes around... like a completely different person. And tells me he was wrong and sorry and he realizes that he said hurtful things he just gets closed up and defensive and mean and its like he can't control closing up or saying hurtful things or not being there when I just needed him to be tender with me or hold me... then he tells me what I've longed to hear that I am his everything and what I mean to him and on and on and tries to work on it. We get along great during everyday thing but then it happens again and its like he forgot all he's claimed to me. I've ben through this more than 20 times and I don't know what to do... I love him with all my heart... geus I shouldn't since he hasn't really been taking very good care of my heart but I do I can't help it I just don't understand. I sit here now crying because again its happened and I told him iwas leaving and like usual... he just said fine go and watched me leave... he has NEVER stopped me from leaving but later said he didn't want me too. I have 3 kids and its going to be very difficult to leave financially and emotionaly. I don't want to leave I just want him to love and care about me... I don't know what to do... help me I feel like I AM THE ONE who's losing her mind... what do I do and can anyone tell me why he's like this??

N0help4u · Jun 17, 2009, 05:44 PM

He sounds like a male macho that is insensitive and most probably gets off on your feelings being hurt.
Try acting tougher and not letting him know he has hurt your feelings and see how he reacts to that.

paxe · Jun 17, 2009, 07:01 PM

Well, first of all I think you should calm down a bit as you seem quite stressed out. I am not a 100% sure, but it does seem that your happiness revolves around him. It may be normal for a married couple, but this is a wrong thing to do. You should first love yourself before loving someone else.

You jumped from 1 marriage to another and this was damaging for you, as you only emptied the void from the first marriage with another one. He's probably like this because you let him be like this. He must like power, and you are giving it to him. Try to keep your head and not cry and try to challenge him but you have to stay calm.
Tell us what happens after that, we're here to help :D

justme89 · Jun 18, 2009, 08:23 AM

Threads merged

Hi everyone and thank you for the answers you've given me. About the challenging him and not "letting" him hurt me and see what he does... im not sure if I understand that... I believe I have tried it all though... but again I'm unsure. I have acted like it didn't bother me and our lives just went on as usual... nothing happened except I was hurting... I have tried doing it back to him to see if he would understand what he was doing to me and all of a sudden the tables turned and it was me that was the mean horrible one and I tried explaining that's what he does to me and I'm told well if you wouldn't be this way I wouldn't be so defensive and withdrawn... like I said... sometimes I think I'm the one who's losing her mind. I don't believe he's the manly macho type... hes just not like that. And yes a lot of my happiness is based on him... but not in a bad way just that he is my husband and he is my life along with my children. I just believe that your spouse is supposed to be different than an acuaintance or just a friend... they are different because their supposed to be there for you when you "fall" or their your rock when something goes wrong... I mean isn't that why we all look for love? To have that one person be your shoulder to cry on if needed. He is in every way possible a very good man he just seems to have this problem of when things go bad and its him that caused it... he turns his back on me then punishes me even more in harsh ways for needing him to take it back and comfort me... I hope my craziness is clear enuf. And yes sometimes I do thing AT THE TIME he enjoyes hurting me more... but when he comes to his senses and that could be 2 agonizing weeks he is so sorry and even says he is a stupid man for doing it. Some would say just wait 2 weeks and not think about it... well if you've ever been hurt by someone that's supposed to love you and care for you and they ignore it and act as if its just another day and they know... well it just kills you inside to feel like you must not mean much to them at all... ok I'm rabbleing... sorry... is this making sense to anyone? The perdicament I'm in? Has anyone ever been with someone who closes up emotionally when their love is needed most? Please help?

talaniman · Jun 18, 2009, 10:05 AM

I don't think he is punishing you as much as you punish yourself. Less crying, more talking. Let him get mad, and go through what he is feelings as you stay calm, and hold your ground. He can't know what your crying means, any more than you know what his anger is about.

That's where working on your communications skills to have at least an atmosphere to honestly express your feelings is what is lacking between you. Neither of you can know what's expected unless you tell each other.

No way he knows you need a hug, so just come out and tell him. No way he knows the feelings his anger brings you, unless you tell him. No way he knows the things he says in anger hurts you, unless you tell him.

Talk calmly, before you cry. Honest communications is the foundation of a strong relationship, as well as the key to knowing how to work together to solve your issues to the benefit of you both, so give a lot of thought to what you say, when you say it, and HOW you say it.