[AKeagle]

I am new to forums, and thought I would try this out, with how my situation is.

I am 22 Years old and have been dating the same girl since my senior year of high school (she was a sophomore at the time). We had been together for almost 4 and half years, and lived together for the last 12 months. We have had our problems in our relationships, the big problems always bring us closer together, while the small arguments are our biggest down fall. We were part of every aspect of each other life, shared bank account, exchange of keys, etc. I have supported her in everything that she does, I am there for her when she needs help with anything, but have never felt that I have got the same in return, but have always felt that I can turn to her.

Almost 3 weeks ago she cames home and says that we need to talk about us, she says the spark just isn't there anymore, and that we aren't going anywhere(marriage). She has asked me about marriage and our future, and I have told her that I want us to be together, but that I want to finish college first. She also tells me that I have problems with my anger(which I agree with), which comes from my depression from the surgeries that I have had over the last 3 years.

She leaves to go back home for awhile till she can find a new place to live, but find out later that she ended up staying at a guys house, who she now says she has feelings for. When I confronted her about this, she got mad. She has since, I believe, moved into a new housing place. She has came and got all her stuff from my house finally, and took almost all the things she gave to me, such as gifts.

I have done a positive and negative list about her and I. I have spend since she left, alone just trying to find myself and deciding if I want to be with her. I have not contacted her since she came to get the last of her stuff(4 days). My heart wants her back, but my mind is telling me NO.

Any advice would be great.

[Justwantfair]

The first heart break is always the hardest. Right now is not the best time for your relationship. Take this time to continue evaluating your life without her in it. Many of us gain experience by dating various people while through that stage you have been committed to her. There will be much to gain for taking this time, to rebuild who you are single and doing single guy things.

We can't tell you if your paths cross again in the future, but for now face your heart break and continue no contact. Read the countless stories on this site and take some comfort in knowing that we have all been where you are and there is another side at the end. You can only truly grow through trial.

Good luck to you.

[88sunflower]

Well your heart is broken but I think your mind is on the right track. First if you have been there for her for everything, why can't she support your depression due to your surgeries? It sounds like she met someone else and she might think its greener on the other side of the fence. I can see her feeling that bliss with someone new and wanting to move on. But that bliss won't last. If your head says no then stick with NC. I think your head knows best. Your heart is just hurt and wanting what your used to back. Be over it and be happy with someone who wants to be with you.

[Romefalls19]

When dealing with this matter, think with your head. My dad always told me this, if your arm were broken, would you try to use it? Nope, just like your heart, it's broken, so using it would only result in bad things(like trying to convince her to come back)

[AKeagle]

Thank you for the comments.

I do believe that she found something shiny over there, and has gone to grab it. I just know that through out our relationship, I have gone through the same thing, like first two years of college, but I resisted temptation in fear of losing something good, for something THAT MIGHT BE great.

I am going to follow the no contact and try to stay busy with work, and summer courses, and travel. I really left the future in her hands. When she came to get the last of her things, and walk out with anything she gave me. I said, "I understand what we are going through, and also know that we can not be together right now. I love you and know that we are capable of working through this. When you are ready to do that, contact me."

What is painful about that, is that she had told me over and over again, that she wants us to be friends, cause I understand her so well, and know things about her past, that she won't share with anyone else. I don't want to be her friend, way too painful. At the same time, I really don't know if I could really take her back. I consider what she did just as bad as cheating, even though we were not dating at the time.

[88sunflower]

But how do you know she wasn't cheating? She seemed to gain feelings for the other pretty fast don't you think?

[Romefalls19]

That was going to be my comment Sunflower!

I would advise HIGHLY against being friends right now, too much emotional dust to even consider a healthy friendship

[Homegirl 50]

I know this is hard for you but it sounds to me like she has grown out of you and that is not a bad thing but a normal thing. You are a different person at 20 than you were at 16.
She left you, she may not have done it the best way, but she did it knowing this was not where she wanted to be.
What you have to do is realize it is over and move on. This can and will never be the same.

I wish you well.

[AKeagle]

I don't know for positive that she wasn't cheating. But I don't know, that we spent all of our time together or in constant contact with each other. It would have been very hard for her to do that. After I found out about what happened, I spoke to her face to face. She isn't very good at lying, so I believed her when she said no. I feel like a stronger person, since I have been able to spend the time alone and find myself, instead of also seeking someone else.

I fear that fact that she might have moved on that quickly, makes me feel as if I meant nothing to her. That said, I would still like her back. How do I do that? I don't want to convince her to come back, I want her to come back. I don't want an email/text/phone call, I want her to make the effort and come to me, to show me that she is serious and will be committed to working through this and things in the future.

[Justwantfair]

Deal with the 'Can we be friends' issue at another time. Focus on your healing. Once things are less emotional for you and you are happy once again, you may find that her life won't affect you and you can maintain a friendship, but that is a far off future for you.

For right now, your life is all about finding that happiness without her in your life at all.

[88sunflower]

[QUOTE=AKeagle;1798381]I don't know for positive that she wasn't cheating. But I don't know, that we spent all of our time together or in constant contact with each other. It would have been very hard for her to do that.

Its not hard at all. I was the cheater in my marriage and the sad thing is it was all done on my lunch hour. If someone wants the attention they will find the way to get it. Does that make me proud? Not at all. But don't say she didn't have time because cheaters will make time.

I feel like a stronger person, since I have been able to spend the time alone and find myself, instead of also seeking someone else.

If your feeling like a stronger person already then keep going. Imagine how you will feel in a month? Take the time and get to know yourself. You may not regret it.

I fear that fact that she might have moved on that quickly, makes me feel as if I meant nothing to her. That said, I would still like her back.
Why would you still want her back? You know when she will come back if she even does? When she sees you're the better catch. Trust me.

[AKeagle]

Why wouldn't I want her back? I know what she did was wrong, its down right messed up. We have both put a lot of effort into our relationship. If she is willing to make the effort to contact me, and the commitment to us, why wouldn't I?

She has not tried to contact me since she got the rest of her stuff, I don't know if she will. But is it right to not answer text/email/phone calls, and hold out for her coming to find me?

[Homegirl 50]

I don't know for positive that she wasn't cheating. But i don't know, that we spent all of our time together or in constant contact with each other. It would have been very hard for her to do that. After i found out about what happened, i spoke to her face to face. She isn't very good at lying, so i believed her when she said no. I feel like a stronger person, since i have been able to spend the time alone and find myself, instead of also seeking someone else.

I fear that fact that she might have moved on that quickly, makes me feel as if I meant nothing to her. That said, I would still like her back. How do i do that? I don't want to convince her to come back, i want her to come back. I don't want an email/text/phone call, i want her to make the effort and come to me, to show me that she is serious and will be committed to working through this and things in the future.

Earlier you said you don't think you would want her back now you're sayingyou do. You are hurt and confused, you think you meant nothing to her, you did. But she is an older and different person. You guys had been together since you were teens and now as adults, she is different and wants something different. That is normal.

I don't think she will come back and if she did, I don't think it would work because you would be trying to go back to the way things were and you two are different people now. Plus you would always be wondering about this other guy.
I'm sure you both are nice people who have grown apart. Don't place blame, it is what it is. You will get through this and the right girl for you will be there when you do.

[krzekali89]

Hoenstly, it sounds like she might have been with him for a little while, while you guys were living together. For the most part I am the girl, about to leave my boyfriend and he has anger problems, and he has a money spending problem and I'm leaving him because he's lost his temper over things hat were his fault not mine and he said things that hurt forever. Which made me stop loving him. And we've been dating for 3 years now, living togther for excatly one year next week. Move on and learn from your mistakes. And if she loves you she'll come back, but she's going to demand change.

[Justwantfair]

What is right for you now, is to only worry about you. The future can not be told and you need to focus only on you, not the future of this relationship. Deal with that when the time comes.

For now, no contact is about healing, finding out about yourself without that person in your life, reconnecting with you. It is not a tool to get the 'love of your life' to return to you. Take things day by day, don't focus too far ahead of yourself right now, you aren't ready for that.

[AKeagle]

hoenstly, it sounds like she might have been with him for a little while, while you guys were living together.

I don't want to believe it, but you could be right. She isn't very good at hiding things or lying to me, besides the fact that we did everything together, there wasn't any time.

As for growing apart, I could believe that, but at the same time, what we did and how we grew were based on each other. We talked about what we wanted in life, and how to get there.

I would understand the thing about her wanting change, but she would have to do a lot of the also, especially after this situation.

[krzekali89]

I mean she might not have been with him, they might have been mutual friends but she realized that maybe she wanted something else in life. My boyfriend and I went through that once, and I left him and then after spending 2 weeks with the other guy I went back to my boyfriend. After I demanded change and he did change then it went back to the usual.

We did the same thing, growing together making plans, then he broke it. He spend his saved up money that was to get us a new apartment on a new truck fro himself. I'm fed up I'm leaving. I can't do it.

I'm sorry I'm telling you more about me then helping you. I think that you should wait it out.. if she doesn't come backmove on, maybe its for the better.. if you guys argee a lot then maybe you'll find someone your more compatible with. I wish you the best of luck.

[AKeagle]

No, your story give me a different way to look at the situation.

I don't plan on just waiting around. I have never wasted anything of ours. She is the one that wanted to add me onto her bank account, which is the one thing we still have to take care of. We have spent just over 2 week separate, but only 4 days with no contact.

I don't understand how we grew apart though, then she was the one always talking about the future, and marriage. (recently) I asked her if I had proposed a month or so ago, would this had happened. She said we would be together.

I'm so confused about what is going on with her.

What if she tries to contact me?

[Romefalls19]

You ignore her call, anything meaningful she can walk her little arse over to your house and tell you.

[AKeagle]

I guess I shouldn't jump to conclusions, she might not try to contact me.

The more I think, it is just being confused. Should I worry if she does come back? What should I expect if she does come back? What should I want us to work on?