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23 yr old dghtr won't speak to me, hates me.
I raised my now 23 yr old dghtr on my own. My older two(28 and 29) son and dghtr went to their dad's due to div,at 13. We have always been extremely close. I buy her cars, pay for everything. I have taken her to Hawaii, NY many times, SF. Paid for computers, redoing her college dorm each year. I take her to movies, tours, pay for eating out constantly, movies. It makes her bro and sis a little resentful, but they have their own lives and they are OK. She basically is an only child w/me.
I have out her through a lot, with one abusive marriage, one stalker, I have been married 4 times. I haven't been in a long lasting serious relationship since the abusive marriage ended. When things are bad, I leave, as it isn't healthy for she or I. Nevertheless, I have a lot of guilt, so I never say no to her. She runs my life. She gets embarrassed of me if I drink in front of people, she judges her friends and ends relationships with them also. She is fighting with everyone lately. Her best friend she got hateful with and ended a 10 yr friendship. I have been in touch with the stalker, he says he has changed and pays for my flights, so I go visit him on the east coast. I have tried telling her, but she screams and says I am crazy. She gets hysterical sobbing and says she will never speak to me if I see him. Well, after almost a year of not seeing him, I flew back this w/e to see him. She broke into my email and read emails that he is buying a house and wants me to move with him. She texted me told me she is moving out of my house, that I am a pathological liar, she hates me and hopes I die, that she will never forgive me or talk to me. She has lost all respect for me. It destroys me. I feel I should have my own life and that she shouldn't judge and manipulate me. She shouldn't have invaded my privacy either. I try telling her the truth and she screams. I have lied to protect her. I feel I should be able to make my own decisions, stupid or regretful or whatever. How do I get her to listen to me, go to counseling, remend our relationship. She has always been disrespectful to me. I have been at her beckon call 23 yrs. How do I break the cycle, win back her trust and respect? Maybe it isn't possible? I am lonely and do desperate things. I told the guy I can't ever see him again. He has done too much bad, I thought maybe I could move with him one day and go on with my life, but that's not happening. I am so depressed over this. I have sacrificed so much, putting her through private school 5 yrs, her dad has never helped me. I fear she will never have a healthy relationship with a man. She is overweight, yet quite successful and beautiful. She has never had a long time bfriend. I love her, but very angry with her. |
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Whoa. As somebody who has a stalker who pops up periodically, I have to say that your daughter is correct. She remembers vividly (I'm sure) the terror and fear that she went through, as well as you, at the hands of this person.
Maybe it's time for a bit of soul searching. Why does your drinking embarrass your daughter? You are probably drinking to excess if you're causing her embarrassment. No addiction and stalker(no matter how wealthy) is worth losing your daughter to. Please listen to her and take a look at yourself. Good luck... |
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Normally I would say that you have a right to your own decisions... and you do, so accept the consequences of those decisions... You have made/continue to make poor decisions for yourself. Your daughter who loves and cares about you and you are the only family she has and knows, only wants for you to love and care for yourself in the same regard. My mother's ex-husband is in jail for the rape of a 13-yo. My mother most recently began making contact with him again this year, I won't speak to her, because it is her choice, it is self-distructive and me not talking to her is my choice and her consequence to pay for her choice. |
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Your daugter is 23 years old, she should let you have your space as well as you letting her have her space, but somewhere along the way, you have to draw a line, and say its enough! You're a parent, and parents have responsabilites, your done with yours! She needs to stop whinning about what your doing! I'm not saying this to be mean to either one of you, but you have to take first step! Though it might pain her more to see that your seeing her (stalker) that's your choice! Bottom line is, I think you guys should try counciling, and maybe repair some of the relationship that's still there between you?
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Well, he has done some negative things. He says he has changed. My older daughter doesn't think it is smart, but says it is my decision. My youngest is judgemental and very religious, yet when she parties it is OK. She is having difficulties w/many. I hold a lot of guilt. I have made some poor choices w/men. I am hurt she broke into my mail and is so hateful and won't speak to me. She did it to her sis too, but changed her mind. Hopefully things will calm down, this happened3 days ago. I told the guy I won't see him again. To say you hate your mom and hopes she dies repeatedly is hard to take. I can't do everything her way.Its' time to make my own decisions and stop allowing her to manipulate me also. This is tough... |
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I shouldn't have said he is a stalker. He broke into my mail yrs ago and impersonated me. He called people and said disparaging things about me. He had threatened me basically. This was 4 yrs ago. He has lied about being div. for 7 yrs. We have since talked. She knew I went to see him 8 months ago and I told her I never would. Then I decided, she is 23, I can't make up for the past, I am regretful of course. He is trying.He offered to buy me a house and take care of me. She saw all that from the realtor. He is buying the house, not me. I would not marry him. We just don't get along and he isn't good for me. My last hb was really abusive and went to jail for it. We have been div 5 yrs. I recently spoke to him. There is no way I would forget what he did to me or what my poor daughter went through knowing all this. That is why I left him. I haven't remarried since him, nor would I. No one can predict what will happen. Guilty parents sometimes make poor choices. Being a single parent and making all he decisions isn't easy either. My son is schizophrenic and now I am watching him. His dad raised him and will have nothing to do w/him. I have a lot on my plate. My youngest and I have never had a healthy relationship. She has been spoiled and is very selfish and judges everyone. WE need to get help. |
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I think the help start with you. You are making excuses for your own self-destructive behaviors. You are dating a man, who never deserved a second chance. I still believe that your decisions effect your children and she has a right to stand against your self-destructive behaviors. Start counseling first, face your own issues. Encourage your children to follow suit, when you have a better handle on taking care of yourself and being with a man who deserves you. |
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I agree. I continue to choose men who are psycho. I don't stay with them long, because they are bad for me. My daughter was in college during most of this. The man who abused me affected my daughter the most and I left him. We are talking, but it will never go further than this. We didn't talk for 9 yrs. I think my other problem is my daughter is like my best friend and I tell her too much. Like about this guy who has treated me badly and contacted my kids. I am talking about two diff men. He is black and that's another reason my daughter hates him, she is quite prejudice. It doesn't seem to matter the race, my hb was white.
I have sacrificed everything in my life for my daughter, gone way above and beyond due to guilt. I was married to their father 15 yrs, he was abusive too. My daughter was only 3 when we div. She hasn't been close to him. He has gotten better w/time. He married my best friend who was his secretary, that stings. What do I do, stick my head in the sand and not have a life?my daughter has been in college 5 yrs, and only stayed here a year. She was intended on moving out closer to work anyway. I just pray there is a way to get help and become a happier person. I own a company (26 yrs),teach theatre to youth, have an awesome grandson, and am taking care of my son who is 29. No real joy for me. I am really distraught over my daughter. She is quite stubborn and has cut off many relationships with people this last few months. She has bad PMS and needs meds. I know she is confused and feeling betrayed. But invading my privacy and trying to run my life 24-7 is not her job either. It is difficult to paint a picture of what has gone on my whole life, the parameters of our relationship here. But, I appreciate the advice. Their dad has pretty much done zero, doesn't help at all. |
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Start with counseling for you and for the time being giving your daughter some space, if you have difficulty maintain healthy functional relationships, then it's probably accurate to think that she is finding her own life as functional only when it is really dysfunctional. Work on you first though. Good luck. |
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Please get some counseling with your daughters.
Trust me, this guy is bat sh*t crazy. You are a fool if you get re-involved with him. Can you imagine what he could do to you if you try to break up with him? My stalker is still angry with me for breaking up with him 25 years ago. To this day, I have to regularly check the internet because he puts disparaging posts containing my entire name on craig'slist in my town. I've also received items that I never purchased (at my home) that I know he's had sent to me. You will be afraid to leave him because of what he might do. Your daughter said some hurtful things, but she obviously has been through a lot with you. Please try to work things out with a professional, and don't get back with that guy. Good luck... |
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Yes, he is crazy. He moved back east and has pretty much left me alone. He broke into my email and had a girl call and say horrid things about me to friends. He called my daughter who is a devout Christian and told her that he wasn't bugging me, that we had had sex w/in a week, which is crazy, I was with her out of state. He would send things from my email address. He told me to watch my back because he was in the back yard watching me on dating sites. He followed me. I tried to get away, but he wouldn't let me go. He hated me and said he would ruin my rep. He ironically works for the state dept in DC and just got a national clearance. He hasn't been with me for sev years. We got re acquainted and he proclaims to have changed. He is willing to buy me anything, but is still extremely possessive and thinks he owns me. We fight constantly. He is the only one at my age that wants to take care of me and provide for me. We don't get along.
He lied to me about being div, told me he was many times. It has been over 7 yrs and he still isn't. I don't love the guy. I wanted to make a stand to my daughter. She can't run my life. I told her a lot of what happened, but she was living in the dorms, and not really involved. He also told horrid lies about my older daughter. He constantly lectures everyone, even strangers he walks up to to tell them how to do things. He hasn't raised his two kids by separate mom's, and hasn't had any long relationships. The guy is trouble. I wanted to let my daughter know she doesn't run my life. I can make my own mistakes. I am famous for giving people another chance, to change. I have caused my dghtr not to trust anyone, esp men, THAT is very sad and I feel horrid. When can I have my own life though? She is so judgemental w/everyone and instantly hates people when they don't do things her way, this isn't normal. To dissolve a 10 yr friendship, to tell her sister she isn't in the family, because she knew what I was doing. To tell me she hates me and will have nothing to do w/me and hopes I die. Not normal reactions. We both need counseling. I went for a year after my abusive marriage 9 yrs ago. I haven't remarried, nor remained in a long deal since. My ex hb and I split that long ago. I love my daughter and we are extremely close, yet she seems to resent me and is so selfish. |
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 Originally Posted by raggedmom
I have brought my daughter up entirely on my own, no long term relationships, except an Italian, I had for 8 years.( he had 1 soul perpose ) I have never been married, nor ever did whilst I had my daughter, up bringing in my hands only. . I wish I could have given my daughter a tiony fraction on the material things you throw at your daughter. Do you treat all the children the same or is she just spoilt rotten. Me the only thing I would buy her is a small flat somewhere, along way from you , least you won't have to listen to her sreams and rants, she needs to grow and stop acting like a spoilt bra. You want to turn round one day soon . Not when she is angry, but catch her unaware and just say, I have been thinking ," you don't like me so I think its best you move out of MY home and get your own and with her job she can save up and buy things herself which will be far more satisfying to her, and god help any man she marries!! Get her out before she turns violent andstop spending money on her, it won't change her, get her out Good luck Lydia.. remember you have done your bit, no more ! Oh then phone her bloody useless father and tell him whatyou are GOING TO DO!! Let me know if any of this helps, seriously though cut the strings |
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She was planning on moving out. She works 40 minutes from here, so it is closer for her. Her dad does zero for all three kids. I raised all three until our div. The older two lived w/him in high school, then then both came back and live here since. My son lives with me. My daughter only lived with me a year, after she graduated from college.
Yes, I spoll her rotten. I do a lot for all my kids, that is why I am broke. They are grown now. My oldest thinks I messed up my daughter and that is why she has emotional roblems, due to many bad men. She and I are close, she is married and has a son. She works for me. There is a lot of jealousy, my older two lived w/their dad, so they think she is very spoiled. She wants everything her way. My oldest says, "Let mom make her own mistakes, invading her privacy by breaking into her email is wrong. You are not her boss." She doesn't like the guy either, she just has her own life. My daughter is most angry because she hates this particular guy. I lied to her, I try telling her but she screams. I lied to protect her, which is very wrong. I have not remarried since my div 9 yrs ago. I have been involved with bad men though and I am too smart for that. I am attractive, but also have baggage from my past. I fear my daughter will continue to have troubles w/friendships and men in the future. She is 23 and has never had a steady boyfriend. She is still a virgin and a strong Christian. Yet, she treats me horribly. She is really struggling and I hold a lot of guilt as mentioned. I pray things improve. I desire her future happiness. I think I am entitled to a life also and make my own mistakes. When does it end? |
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You say he's the only one in your age group who wants to provide for you... are you really waiting for some man to come along and take care of you? How smart is it to "take a stand" against your daughter by getting re-involved with this sociopath? She won't see you doing anything that you haven't been doing her whole life, choosing the wrong guy.
Your words ring a bit false to me. You are using this "take a stand" excuse to be taken care of... and if you relent, you'll be deep in a trap from which you may never escape. Don't think for one minute that you will have a pleasant life with this guy. And when you finally do try to break free, his tactics will ramp up exponentially. People like him are dangerous, trust me. |
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He is a sociopath. I don't need a man to take care of me. I have my own business, 26 yrs. I wrote that above. I am 51, educated, attractive, well traveled. Due to my upbringing, I also have some issues. My parents were married 45 yrs until my father passed. My dad was a recovering alcoholic. He was sober 43 yrs. My mother was abusive to me and favored my sister, she was 16 when she had me, my dad was 10 yrs older and a musician.
I have always believed deep down that I am not worthy of true love. I have been to counseling. I was married 4 times. Once to the father of my kids, he was abusive, we were together 14 yrs. Then married childhood friend, didn't know he was an alcoholic. Got that annulled. Then married a con who used steroids, married 3 yrs. Then married an extremely abusive man, 4 yrs. I haven't remarried since and don't believe I ever will. We married in 96, div in 2000. Kid's father never paid child support, he won't communicate with me and is VERY controlling. He married my best friend, secretary, they've been together now 20 yrs. My daughter and I have been extremely close. Her bro and sis went to their dad's for yrs, then they came back to me, so basically she was an only child and very spoiled. I rarely said no to her. We traveled and I tried to make up for things. Sent her to private school, trips, all mentioned above. I stopped anything I was doing, to be at her beckon call. I sacrificed a lot! She is trying to control me. She stays out and I don't know where she is at always. She moved somewhere, I don't know where, I don't know the people. She was in college for 4 1/2 yrs and lived away. She didn't have time to talk to me on the phone, and would say, Don't have time to talk, got to go", and hang up. She has always been super selfish, not babysitting her only nephew. I text, send emails to every show she is in. She is a singer and actress, I talk people into contributing to her college needs. I took out student loan for her, convinced my mom to lend her $4000 for breast reduction surgery. I do everything for the girl. Yes, she is right it is self destructive behavior. He hasn't really changed. I met him while she was living at college. I took him to some of her performances, against her wishes. I have date a lot. I don't believe I can truly love someone. I lose interest in men. They fall for me and I always think the grass is greener somewhere else. I need constant attention. I didn't get any when I grew up, my mom tells me. She was 16 and I was her guinea pig. I have some deep seeded problems. When she is gone, she doesn't know that I am gone. I feel trapped in my own home. I can't spend the night somewhere else or she would call through the years and call me a whore and slut and tell me that Im not a Christian. She is so judgemental to everyone. I knew this would come to a head one day. I miss her and she won't do anything with me or speak to me still. I paid for her trip she is on to Washington for a week. Do you think it is best to write her a letter, I don't know is she will read it. She said he won. I dabbled into an area, that I thought I could just visit him, and not move there. He is the kind of person you have to be decent to, not hateful or mean, or he will retaliate. It is difficult to get away from someone like him. Yes, I have also talked to my ex who was abusive, but I won't dabble into that of course. We spoke, met and that is closure for me. I am so depressed and feel trapped with my daughter. One day I pray we have a decent, healthy relationship. But it has to be on her terms. She can be quite hateful and stubborn, I have seen it with friends of hers and her sister. Her dad hasn't been involved in her life. That affects her as well. Time will tell, I am going to counseling again. My problems are not easily solved. At my age, I am OK with being alone. It is still sad and heart wrenching. |
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