[xadmin]

My girlfriend recently broke up with me and I need advice on what to do. Stay and try to win her back or to leave.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years. She is attractive, intelligent, educated, likes music and dancing. We met while she was an undergraduate in college and I was a 1st year medical student. She is currently 24 and I am 27. I was her first boyfriend ever and she was my 2nd girlfriend.

The first year of the relationship was great. We saw each other through rose tinted glasses. But as time passes, we saw more of each other flaws and annoyances and the relationship became more rocky. In the three years that we dated, I discovered that my girlfriend is a "clean freak". She spent a lot of time washing her hands and often asked me if my hands are clean whenever I did something like touching her or her hair. During many erotic encounters, she would stopped to ask me if I had washed my hands. Even if I had washed them, she would smell my hands to make sure I had used soaps. After we have (safe) sex, she would put on her pajamas before we can cuddle to fall asleep in the warm bed and tell me to go wash myself so that I don't stain her bed or get my sperm on her body (she is obsessed about getting pregnant). She does not seem particularly high-strung, but this pattern of anxiety strikes me as really weird. I do not enjoy it. Throughout our 3 years of being together, most of the sex we do were oral. Intercourse happened only 40-50 times total throughout the 3 years with most of it being in the first year. At first I did not like it that we have sex so rarely, but over time I put up with it and got used to it. Still, I was not happy with our sex life and the fact that she doesn't really consider my needs sexually.

I am a very caring person, but my girlfriend seems a little self-centered and not very affectionate. For example, whenever she is tired, I would ask how she is doing and give her body massages or make her hot chocolate. However, if I was tired, she would acknowledge it, but do nothing. I would often tuck her into bed by giving her a 30 minutes massage before she fall asleep, but she has never done the same for me. I would at time make her breakfast in the morning before she goes to work or offer her a hug or a kiss, but she doesn't do the same unless I ask for them (these things get worse and worse as the relationship progresses). Furthermore, there is an imbalance in the generosity department throughout our 3 years of dating. I happily take her out for lots of nice dinners in restaurants, which she clearly enjoys -- while she gives me tea, bread and ham in her refrigerator. I did this when I didn't even have a job or stable income while she was working with a decent salary. She had never taken me out to a nice restaurant. The two time that we went out to a nice restaurant, her parents took us. For Christmas, I gave her a nice sweater, Godiva Chocolate and nice earrings; I got a shirt. (I don't put much importance in the money, it's the care and consideration.) On the other hand, I should emphasize that she does seem very kind on a moment-to-moment basis -- Asking for my opinion at times and ready to offer me a hug and a cup of tea.

Recently, I withdrew from medical school to pursue other opportunities (I plan to go back and finish up medical school, but she doesn't know that). However, I don't think she like this idea. I am currently looking for a job and I still haven't found one and I moved to the same city as she is in (Boston) to work on our relationship more, but when I moved to Boston, she broke up with me. It couldn't have come at a worse time, when I have no job or school. We still hang out and she is jealous if I see other girls, but at the same time, she doesn't want to be with me. She said she is not in love with me anymore.

Right now I am just thinking of either throwing in the towel to end this relationship or try to win her back. I have thought long and hard about it and I think I should let her go and move on myself because I don't see this relationship as healthy for me. But every time I think about her in another guy's arm, I get jealous and I have trouble letting her go. I even snooped in her Facebook account and found out that she had been talking and going out with a guy two months prior to our break up. They were holding hands while going out dancing and to the movies with each other. I confronted her about this and she said they were "just friends". I told her that friends don't hold hands with each other and she said they do. I don't know, but this doesn't seem right. Then she got furious at me for getting her Facebook password and snooping on her. Am I wrong here for snooping? The reason I did this is because I had a hunch that she had an emotional affair with some guy and it was confirmed after I read her message exhanges between the guy and her on Facebook.

Anyway, what should I do and help.

[Eelarch]

If she broke up with just move on, she had her reasons, ignore those reasons and continue with life and don't waste your time trying to get her back

[jmooney527]

She doesn't seem like a very nice person from the way you depicted her. I think you know the answer to your question... you should not try to win her back. Of course post breakup you will get jealous of her seeing someone else... it's normal. Try to stay away from her and see the NC sticky in the main section for how to do so. You know the relationship won't work out so don't bother trying so hard, when clearly she doesn't care. You need a certain level of love and attention, and she wasn't giving that to you at all. You can't expect her to change so start going out, having some fun, and keep yourself busy. Best of luck!

[justaguy123]

I don't know how much advice I can give, I'm going through a breakup right now and my mind might be cloudy.

Personally it sounds like you have already admitted it's over. Being in a relationship for that long, it's almost impossible to walk away and you cannot make excuses to stay together. You pointed out several reasons YOU are unhappy and they're pretty big reasons. You need to stop snooping, it's only going to make you more jealous. She has a right to be upset about this. If anything can be restored here, whether it's a friendship or something more, it cannot be successful if there are things you hold against the other. I know it seems impossible to not worry or wonder what is going on in their personal life, but it seems best that you just let it go for awhile. You ultimately know what is going to make you happy, but if I can tell you anything... you shouldn't have to change someone to be happy with them. I wish you all the best... it sucks right (I know!)... but I have reason to believe life will get better.

[Romefalls19]

Didn't even read the post, just the title. Leave, never wait or try to win anyone back. If they want to come back, they know how to find you.

[talaniman]

Right now I am just thinking of either throwing in the towel to end this relationship or try to win her back.

Throw in the towel and get someone who makes you happy.

Hell, you should be happy your rid of her, as this sounds to one way to be real. I'm surprised you put up with that BS for... years??

She ain't worth it.

[liz28]

How you put up with her for 3 years is beyond me. You seem to be really unhappy but still stayed and tolerating her bs--this is called settling.

You compromise a lot and did everything to make her happy while she didn't give a damn about your needs--only hers. This relationship was really one sided because you did everything for including spendind money you didn't have on her and giving up your schooling to move near her.

Your must bet is to move on and don't beg nor chase after her. Pick yourself back up and go back to school to finish what you started.

This girl isn't worth it and you could do and deserve better.

[xadmin]

Thanks guys. Yeah sometimes I wonder why I put it up for years. I guess I was just settling

[kp2171]

Don't chase another person.

Chase your dream.

If that's med school, do it now. It won't get easier in time.

I'm begging you...

I spent way too much time chasing the "right person" instead of completing myself... better to do the latter... follow what you need for yourself, and then the right person will fit into that position...

[xadmin]

dont chase another person.

chase your dream.

if thats med school, do it now. it wont get easier in time.

im begging you...

i spent way too much time chasing the "right person" instead of completing myself... better to do the latter... follow what you need for yourself, and then the right person will fit into that position...

Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. I should complete myself.

[kp2171]

Uhm...

Well...

If I have any "good" advice to give its most likely cause I've been in your place (or close to it) and screwed it up...

Don't worry about your hesitation or your concern and wondering...

Most of the time, if you get good advice here its because we have made similar mistakes... and hope that you will be "smarter" than us...

[jmjoseph]

Don't waste any more time on this girl. She sounds strange and selfish. There are many more girls out there more like your type. Go back to medical school, the longer you wait, the harder it's going to be getting back in the groove. Concentrate on your studies and forget her. I know it's hard, but you'll look back one day thinking: whaaaaaaat? Good luck and GOD bless.

[xadmin]

uhm...

well...

if i have any "good" advice to give its most likely cause ive been in your place (or close to it) and screwed it up...

dont worry about your hesitation or your concern and wondering...

most of the time, if you get good advice here its because we hace made similar mistakes... and hope that you will be "smarter" than us...

Well, I am definitely not smarter. I just want to learn from other people experience. I have trouble getting over her and it hurts just to think that she treats me like this for the past few years. I am trying to move on and it is still hard.

Is your circumstance similar to mine?

[TrueFaith]

She broke up with you. And honestly my friend it sounds like you put up with a Lot of things that did not make you happy

And you are trying to justify yourself by stretching her good points when you know there was not that many.

Yes it was nice was it felt safe and yes it was easy

But we all don’t have to stick to someone just because it’s easy.

It sounds like you was not that happy with her.. at all. And it sounds like she was a very different person to who you are.

I personally think this is a very good thing to happen to you.
Yes it hurts at first
But don’t let your own pride blind you to the fact that you was never really happy with this women.

Your feeling hurt
Your feeling like you was used
Your feeling that you gave more than she did

And you know what.. you are probable right in most of it
People don’t set out to use or hurt other people..

We let others treat us how we want.

Some people would have had an issue with her to start with they would have gone OK.. imp off or this is not working
You wanted to stay and try it out.. and good on you.. for doing so.
It’s easy to walk away.
So I wouldn’t regret this.. relationship I would put it down to a learning case more than anything

As you was her first boyfriend.. she has no idea what a real relationship is about.
So yes she was self centered
And yes she could get away with it. Because you let her.

Nothing wrong in that. But again I can’t stress this enough you guys are very different.

So don’t feel guilty this is not your fault. Nothing you could have done or said differently
Would have changed this outcome

It’s so easy to look back and go I should have and could have
But us as humans act the best we can with the knowledge that we are given at the time.

Good luck

All the best

Regards

[xadmin]

TrueFaith,

Thanks for the words of encouragement. The things that you said help me to put my situation in a more realistic perspective.

[TrueFaith]

No problem my friend I have been there :)

Got the t-shirt used it. Then sold it

Then found it on my door a week later ;)


All the best

[xadmin]

No problem my friend i have been there :)

got the t-shirt used it. then sold it

then found it on my door a week later ;)


All the best

So the person came back to you?

[xadmin]

Threads merged

My ex girlfriend of 3 years saw a message I posted here and got really angry. She broke up with me 2 months ago and I am currently trying to reconcile with her.

The message I posted was under another thread dealing with the topic of whether ex ever regret dumping or moving on from their partner and whether the grass is greener on the other side. I posted my experience saying:

"I was with my ex GF for 5 years and then I broke up with her. Then I dated someone else for 3 years. To tell you the truth. I do regret dumping my 1st GF of 5 years. The grass is not greener on the other side. It's just different (and in my case, less green on the other side).

Would I go back to my old GF of 5 years? Who knows, but I rather let time pass or date other before I make that decision. However, my old GF of 5 years was the best I ever had and I doubt I will meet somebody like her again."


So basically, she was browsing through my webpages' history and saw the message I copied from above and now she is mad at me saying in these past 3 years that we have been together, she was being used and I was just with her for convenience. She turned herself into the victim and I suddenly become the bad guy.

Is it a good thing that she saw my posting and my true feeling or will this posting be another reason and tool for her to justify why it is right for her to break up with me?

[slapshot_oi]

Unless you posted the original under a different username, she'll find this too. Actually, that doesn't matter because you quoted the exact post.

So with that, you probably should just ask her.

[xadmin]

We talked, but she interpret this to the extreme and she plays the victim here. So we did talk and all she said was that all this time (3 years) she was being played and used.