[Justwantfair]

Background: My son is twelve years old. I got pregnant with him in high school and have been a FT single mother ever since. His father, pays child support when convenient, sees his son when convenient and contributes when convenient. If it isn't convenient our son is typically let down for 'Mommy' to pick up the pieces. I have struggled with my son's ADHD since he was 9 months old. He has been on medication since he was 4 (which is early but he was kicked out of seven daycares prior to starting the medication, his father was on Ritalin as a child as well.)

Present Day: His father now is adequately involved in our son's life. He has seen him fairly regularly since he married about 18 months ago. His wife, she has two children from a previous marriage, plays a huge role in my son's life on the alternating weekends that they have him, along with keeping his father active in our son's life. I greatly appreciate this and understand that it is to her credit, not truly his that he has been on a better path for the last eighteen months.

Problem: His father and his step-mother are 'forcing' and 'pressuring' our son to call her 'Mom'. While they are calling it 'his' choice, they are encouraging it by reminding him that she really likes it and without redirecting him that calling her by her first name is appropriate. I am hurt and offended that someone stepping in at ten years be given the title of 'Mom', especially the every other weekend parent.

Is there a way to redirect my son without being offensive? Is there a proper way to address this with my ex and his new wife, while I have tried in the past one time, I was informed it was my son's choice but I disagree that he doesn't feel forced. Is this something to overlook and try not to take to heart? There are other issues at hand currently with the ex, is this an overreaction to these facts... i.e. last night our son had to come home early because he was sick..?

[N0help4u]

This is common now for kids to have two moms and call them both mom. Have a talk with him and tell him you will always be MOM to him but now he has a mom by dads marriage too.
Maybe he could call her mum 2 or mam.

[ZoeMarie]

What a tough situation! I personally wouldn't want to call anyone but my own mom, "Mom." I would be uncomfortable doing that even at a young age. How does your son feel about it? As crazy as it sounds maybe there could be a compromise of him calling her step-mom. Maybe she thinks it sounds to formal or disrespectful to call her by her first name?

I have called both my dad's wives since my mom passed away by their first names. I know my situation is different, but I no one takes the place of my mom, no matter how hard they try.

[Justwantfair]

It really hurts my feelings, I know that he feels torn because I feel that his father (hot-headed) forces the issue. Her two daughters call her 'Mom' so I think he feels some connection that it's also appropriate for him to call her 'Mom'.

I personally have two mothers... but in my step-mother's own defense, she was the one who raised me since I was two years old while my own Mother had little or nothing to do with me as a child.

I know that he primarily will only call her 'Mom' while at their home. This morning when he was speaking of her, he called her 'Mom' and I redirected him, reminding him her name is "xxx".

I am trying to be the bigger person, although I consider it a huge slap in the face that I should share the title with someone so recently in his life when I have done all the struggling. It's not a title I want thrown around, but I would think as a mother herself, she could respect that. I know that I would.

I appreciate all that she does for our son, but I would like to retain the title I earned exclusively for myself. I am debating an email addressing this with her directly. Any thoughts?

[N0help4u]

It sounds like as much as she is pushing for her to be called mom you want to discourage it. Leave it up to your son to say what is comfortable or when it just comes out.
Making it an issue on either side can make him feel bad.

[nikosmom]

I completely understand what you're feeling Justy. As a single mother also, I don't think I'd want some other woman stepping in sharing my title (regardless of how good she's been for the ex). I'm my son's only "Mom" and I don't want to share that title.

Nohelp made a good suggestion that maybe they come up with an alternate title for her like "MamaKristy", Mimsy, or something else affectionate that she would also appreciate.

Before I'd suggest sending the email- what kind of relationship do you have with her? Do you talk outside of your ex? That would make a difference in your approach. If you two have a pretty decent relationship, maybe an email will break the ice on the topic. I would think she should understand being a mother herself.

On another note, if I got married to a man that already has children, I wouldn't try to encourage them to call me "mom". I'd let them call me whatever's comfortable for them. Here in the south, children don't address adults by their first names so I'd it'd be more common to be addressed as "Miss nikosmom" until the child came up with his/her own affectionate nickname for me..

My ex had a child from another relationship he said that he wanted his son to call me " until the child came up with his/her own affectionate nickname for me..

My ex had a child from another relationship he said that he wanted his son to call me ". I knew that it wouldn't go over well with his bio mom so I never encouraged it. I told my ex that once I spent enough time with the child that he could call me something other than ". I knew that it wouldn't go over well with his bio mom so I never encouraged it. I told my ex that once I spent enough time with the child that he could call me something other than " so as to not offend her.

[N0help4u]

Yeah my kids called their step mom mom susan.

[Justwantfair]

There isn't a standing relationship with the new Ms. My ex actually cheated on me with her and the only conversation we ever had was that my ex had lied telling her that we were not in a relationship. That was over five years ago.

Outside of that conversation I have only spoken with her a handful of other times, she called me once because my ex is a hot-head and he was handling a situation poorly, she stepped in to call to tell me he was out of line.

I know she is the brains and rational person in the relationship. I don't have any poor will to her. I just don't want to share my name considering.

I think the conversation could go well approached mother to mother. I recently received her email address for when I need to share information with the ex. He is trying to work toward a more involved role with his son, which is great for our son. I think he is pushing too far, too fast and too hard for a man who has only consistently done every other weekend for the last eighteen months and still is not consistently paying support. In fact, I haven't received any child support in about six months, but according to him raising children isn't about money. I always treat visitation and support as separate issues and I won't keep my son from him.

I will be emailing anyway, but I have various issues to address and I would like to address this one as well.

EDIT: I am definitely going to suggest "Mom XXX" I think that may idle the issue. ::crosses fingers::

[AngGlas]

My stepson is 2, which I think is probably an easier age to come in at and I want him to call me my name. I think it is disrespectful for them to even try that. I have cousins and they have stepmoms and it's the child choice what they call her and usually after a relationship is built and solid he may decide to call her mom. But for now and so soon it is not right for them to force him and it is his chioce, but I liked the suggestion of Mommy Kate.

[88sunflower]

I would email her for sure and like you said, mention it from mother to mother. Maybe remind her she is a mother and how would she feel if it was reversed. Your child is old enough to know what he is comfortable with and maybe mention that to her. It should be left up to him what he wants to call her. Do her children call your ex dad?

[Justwantfair]

I would email her for sure and like you said, mention it from mother to mother. Maybe remind her she is a mother and how would she feel if it was reversed. Your child is old enough to know what he is comfortable with and maybe mention that to her. It should be left up to him what he wants to call her. Do her children call your ex dad?

That I do not know, I don't believe so, but I couldn't tell you, I haven't asked.

[88sunflower]

That I do not know, I don't believe so, but I couldn't tell you, I haven't asked.

Well good luck with it. I think if she had any respect to you as his mother she would understand and leave it up to your child.

[DoulaLC]

[QUOTE=Justwantfair;1784078]

I know that he primarily will only call her 'Mom' while at their home. This morning when he was speaking of her, he called her 'Mom' and I redirected him, reminding him her name is "xxx".

QUOTE]


In a sense, this adds to his feeling of being pressured... he is getting it from both sides. Has anyone asked him what name he feels most comfortable calling her by?? That is what matters most. He is old enough to decide what he is comfortable with and the adults should all respect that.

[Justwantfair]

In a sense, this adds to his feeling of being pressured....he is getting it from both sides. Has anyone asked him what name he feels most comfortable calling her by??? That is what matters most. He is old enough to decide what he is comfortable with and the adults should all respect that.

He is twelve, if he is comfortable calling her mother, it is not for the same reasons that I don't approve. He would be happy calling her whatever anyone told him to call her, that doesn't mean he understands the significance to me about her title.

[DoulaLC]

He is twelve, if he is comfortable calling her mother, it is not for the same reasons that I don't approve. He would be happy calling her whatever anyone told him to call her, that doesn't mean he understands the significance to me about her title.

No doubt you have shared with him your feelings on the topic... if not, certainly let him know that it makes you uncomfortable and explain your reasons. Has he said it doesn't matter to him what he calls her? Does he have a preference?

I agree with the idea of sharing with his stepmother your feelings... when appealing to her being mom to her kids, maybe she will understand. It may or may not change things of course.

Perhaps he will call her "mother"... or maybe even "mom" while at their house, but not around you. Expect that he may slip up once in awhile, but try not to dwell on it, even though it may sting a bit when he does.

[Justwantfair]

UPDATE (with question):

My ex has recently come to me with my son's new desire to go live at his father's house with his 'new' family. It is similar to the way the name-calling situation was handled. My ex believing that we should support our son's choice to want to live with him and his new wife.

My son's listed reasons for wanting to live with his father are that 'I have always had more time', 'he doesn't see his dad enough' and 'it's more fun there'. All reasons that I believe are typical of a custodial child with two parents.

Most recently his behavior has begun to deteriorate tremendously, including lying, disrespect and not following directions. (All behaviors he supposedly only exhibits at our house, not his father's). In his latest progress reports he is failing his homework grades in all classes. He is in a gifted academic academy and failing in school can get him removed from the academy and also not provide him the stepping stones to do well in future years.

This morning I found text messages to his father describing our home as a 'hellhole' and a prison (he is currently grounded). I contacted his father to try and find his support through the situation and his only support is saying the solution is for my son to move in with him.

Help, I need advice, solutions, discipline techniques, anything. Am I wrong to think that allowing my son to relocate to his father's is not the answer? Am I causing the continued resentment? Don't children often feel this way growing up? (I know I felt that my non-custodial parent would have been my life line when I was growing up).

[Alty]

Justy, he's 12. Need I say more?

Of course he thinks that his father's house and family are better, because he's rarely there. If he was then it would be a different story.

I wouldn't discipline more but I would sit down with him, tell him why you don't think it's a good idea for him to move out and also make it clear that his bad behavior is not acceptable and will not make you change your mind.

What about a mediator or counselor?

[Justwantfair]

Justy, he's 12. Need I say more?

No, that is what I keep hoping it is, some pre-teen rebellion. I know that his father has made himself the 'friend' and that is a lot of where the disrespectful communication is coming from, he wants to talk to me like I am one of his buddies.

Of course he thinks that his father's house and family are better, because he's rarely there. If he was then it would be a different story.

That is what I think too, although of course after talking to his father, I just started questioning my every ability as a parent.

I wouldn't discipline more but I would sit down with him, tell him why you don't think it's a good idea for him to move out and also make it clear that his bad behavour is not acceptable and will not make you change your mind.

This morning's text message find about the 'hellhole' and 'prison' drew absolute fireworks, not by me. I am hoping the male authority will shake some direction in his ways. His father just keeps saying how my son resents me.

What about a mediator or counselor?

That is one avenue I want to research.

[Catsmine]

Justy,

Don't let them bulldoze you into this. It's a really bad idea. I know, I was the boy. My folks let me move in with my father at 13. Drugs, running away, beatings, and almost a decade later I was relieved when I found out he O.D.'d.

He never did get that motorcycle, the s.o.b.

[Stringer]

Justy I can't see why another term of endearment can't be used, such a 'Nana' or something like this. Personally I tend to agree with you. Mom is reserved to the birth mother.

Stringer