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Fuzzball_Kara · May 31, 2009, 09:25 PM

Okay. I haven't been on here in a while but Its been rough.. See I just got broke up with by my boyfriend of 1 and a half years.. They were amazing. We were always happy and perfect.. fought a little more than usual at the end..

He'd been calling me and he hasn't been the same for about the last week of it.. Two nights before he called and told me it might not work out unless we really changed.. That tore me up... Then the next night he said we probably wouldn't but he was saying just in case... so I was okay again.. I am so in love with this guy and I knew we could make it. I was more than positive.. The next night was just talk... then the next day I texted his mom about my feelings and told her how hurt I was... she said we needed to talk and he found out I txted her and it made him hurt more now that I was hurting... He told me he wasn't happy and needed me to help him with the decision of us.

I told him he made me more happy than anything and all my feelings for him. And then I told him if I didn't make him happy then I wanted us to separate cause his happiness meant more... We cried on the phone for half an hour.. he told me he changed.. I was in pain. He was in pain and assured me that it wasn't me and made me promise to get a job and go to college and have only good experiences practically promising me wed get back together... I want that more than anything... I miss him and his family and everything about him... He told me to please call him when I was ready... I didn't want to talk for a while.

I made a mistake and txted him telling him I missed him today... he texted back saying he missed me too. Im going to try to just get busy and get on with my life... I know all the things to go by... You're young... you'll get over it.. blah blah.. But Im still hurt... when we were breaking up he said hed never forget me and I always will hold the biggest place in his heart... I miss him... so much...

You guys have any advice other than what Ive heard a million times?

JustLaw · May 31, 2009, 09:59 PM

How long ago did you break up and what exactly was he not happy about? Was it fighting or something more?

Fuzzball_Kara · May 31, 2009, 10:00 PM

Mind you, this hasn't been my first break up. My first was not hard at all to get over and he broke up with me... this kid has been so good to me...
I do go to therapy tomorrow... I just want to know what you have to say based off the info I gave you

Fuzzball_Kara · May 31, 2009, 10:01 PM

Oh. Well it was last night. He felt he wasn't treating me the same as he used to and thought I deserved better. He was upset about the fighting too

nikosmom · May 31, 2009, 10:08 PM

Kara, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. {{BIG HUGS}}

So why did you two break up- I want to be sure that I'm understanding correctly. Was it the arguing or something else? What were you arguing about- this is important.

It seems that you two still care for each other very much. I'd definitely suggest not calling or texting anyone in his family right now.

If you feel the need to text him, text a friend instead. That'll serve as a distraction.

I can't say too much until I really get a feel for what happened...

Fuzzball_Kara · May 31, 2009, 10:17 PM

I asked him what was making him unhappy.. He told me it was when he made me sad. He said he still loves me more than anything. I guessed that the fighting was a big factor. He lives about three hours away and he felt it wouldn't get any better because of the distance... The breakup didn't sound like him.. I can tell he's changed... I don't know what else to say. Hes going to see a therapist on Sunday...

Btw. Thank you Nikos. [huggles]

JustLaw · May 31, 2009, 10:23 PM

Long distance relationships mostly don't work, but they CAN work. It sounds as though he is confused and feels bad that he hurt you. It's good that he is going to counseling provided he is really going.

Sometimes people will say things to NOT hurt the other person that are not entirely true, especially if there is enough of a distance that the other person will never find out.

Give him time. That's hard to do I know. Hopefully this therapist will get to the root of his fear so that he can deal with the issue.

Take this time to look at yourself. Who knows there may or may not be a another chance for you both, but you can at the very least work on yourself and become better than you ever were before... that's your gift to you.

Fuzzball_Kara · May 31, 2009, 10:27 PM

I understand. What doesn't kill you always makes you stronger. I don't think I can date for a long time. This guys going to be hard to get over.. I want him back bad, but I want him to get help first.. I want him to be healthy and well mentally... We had gone a summer like this before without trouble at all.. but now Im going off to college. (hes a junior in highschool) but he is so much more mature than the guys I know... Hes really got something going on. I can tell. I just hope he sees someone good

EuRa · May 31, 2009, 10:29 PM

This is interesting. There is always 2 sides to every story, and usually I can go by one side and give you something, but I got nothing here. It could be a wide range. He could have another girl on the side, or at least someone he's interested in and not sure of yet, like he's only hanging onto you until he can get someone else. Or he's just depressed. Or maybe you've both changed so much that he feels you aren't a good fit anymore... etc.

I got nothing. Usually I am pretty good at diagnosing these things, but I don't feel as though I have enough information to work with here. Is there more to know? Just seems like pieces are missing.

Fuzzball_Kara · May 31, 2009, 10:30 PM

It wouldn't be a girl.. I know him too well. He's not like that and he is very respectable. I know its more to do with depression.

EuRa · May 31, 2009, 10:48 PM

I too have suffered deeply with depression, and had been given tons of medication and theropy. It is my belief that depression is caused by not setting/achieving goals, not a so-called "chemical imbalance".

I stopped taking meds and stopped going to theropy. I set forth goals (college, jobs, side-projects, etc) and have been happy ever since.

When I was on meds, I was still depressed, even suicidal. Paxil... 37.5 mgs a day... I'll never forget it. I had a horrible relationship with my girlfriend at that time too. I was very mentally and verbally abusive. I never touched her though. But it wore us out, and we had to split up.

Now this all may not work for him. It's my opinion that he will have to figure it out on his own.

On your end, you just need to support him. You don't know what he's going through, so don't give him sayings such as "I feel your pain" or "I understand". You don't, and it'll only push him away. Perhaps if you ask him goals he would want to someday achieve in life (short and long-term, college, fixing a car, doing a project for school, etc), and help him with those goals by showing him websites, taking pictures of him during his travels, showing him he's making the best of his life, etc.

Basically guiding him, but also standing back and letting him do his own thing at the same time.

That is, if you two are on speaking and socializing terms.

And this is imo, based on what you've said here, which is just a little blurb about the situation. You know better than I do.

Fuzzball_Kara · May 31, 2009, 10:58 PM

I think I will do just that when I feel ready and he feels ready.. But right now, I want to give him as much space as possible because I know he is super confused... He was such a good boyfriend... I want to help him as much as he has helped me

nikosmom · Jun 1, 2009, 08:02 AM

So it sounds like he stepped away from the relationship to avoid mistreating you. He has realized that he's at an unhappy point in his life and it's not fair to keep you around. The things is, it seems like you'll have to accept that what he's said and let him be. It'll be hard but try to be supportive.

If you're having trouble separating your feelings (which would be understandable), you may just have to go No-Contact until you have time to start healing. As Eura said, depression is a very difficult thing to deal with and each person handles it differently.

Again, I'd strongly suggest you not contact his family about this. That's never a good idea even when the relationship is solid.

Focus on yourself for the time being and just be grateful that he walked away before he did something unforgivable. Give him the time to get himself straightened out and in the meantime, continue to live your life.

Fuzzball_Kara · Jun 1, 2009, 04:50 PM

I don't want this to be final. I love him so much and all I want is to give him space to get things back together. He told me he really wants to get back together.. Im seeing a therapist and trying to keep mysel busy.. but finding it hard not to think about him.