[juju7]

To sum this up, I have been with my husband for 11 years now and I am 28 years old with two young children 4 & 9. For the past 3 years I have been thinking about leaving off and on, but for the past couple of months I can think of nothing but leaving especially when I am away from him whether its at work or wherever. I do have depression problems because he cheated on me for the first time 3 years ago (that I know of). We split up then got back together. He does have a drinking problem but he has never been physically abusive towards the kids or me, but he is very disrespectful towards me in front of his friends. The only time he is ever really sweet to me is when we sleep together and that's about it or when he wants to sleep with me. When he cheated on me 3 years ago, I was devastated and I begged to him come back, now its like I still love him but I am no longer in love with him. I've tried in the past to get him to go with me to a counselor but he says he doesn't need it and that I could go by myself. He is a good father but he doesn't really spend a whole lot of time with the kids. He's unemployed right now and I've been working part time and going to college too. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt the kids and I don't want to hurt him but I don't think I can stand this for much longer. I don't want to hurt anybody. It just feels like I want to live my own life and raise my kids and if I have to quit college to do that then fine. I am so confused and I have no one I can talk to without them pulling me one way or the other. Can someone please help me?

[jmjoseph]

I'm an alcoholic/addict in full recovery, the main thing that saved my marriage is the fact that my wife goes to Al-anon meetings. It's for family members of alcoholics. It's free, worldwide, and anonymous. I recommend going, what's there to lose? Also, you should try a counselor, if not you both, just you. There are children involved , and I know it's hard. Forgiving someone for infidelity is tough to do. As far as the disrespectful behavior, shame on him. That's something that I never did. You should cut him off sexually if that's the only time he's nice to you. At least until he gets his act together. May GOD bless you at this difficult time, I have prayed for you, and will again later.

Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen

[snowballchap]

To sum this up, I have been with my husband for 11 years now and I am 28 years old with two young children 4 & 9. For the past 3 years I have been thinking about leaving off and on, but for the past couple of months I can think of nothing but leaving especially when I am away from him whether its at work or wherever. I do have depression problems due to the fact that he cheated on me for the first time 3 years ago (that i know of). We split up then got back together. He does have a drinking problem but he has never been physically abusive towards the kids or me, but he is very disrespectful towards me in front of his friends. The only time he is ever really sweet to me is when we sleep together and thats about it or when he wants to sleep with me. When he cheated on me 3 years ago, I was devastated and I begged to him come back, now its like I still love him but I am no longer in love with him. I've tried in the past to get him to go with me to a counselor but he says he doesn't need it and that I could go by myself. He is a good father but he doesn't really spend a whole lot of time with the kids. He's unemployed right now and I've been working part time and going to college too. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt the kids and I don't want to hurt him but I don't think I can stand this for much longer. I don't want to hurt anybody. It just feels like I want to live my own life and raise my kids and if I have to quit college to do that then fine. I am so confused and I have no one I can talk to without them pulling me one way or the other. Can someone please help me?

This is tough I understand exactly what you are going through. He disrespects you in front of people, he's cheated on you. What you need to ask yourself is "what is holding me back?". If it's the kids, believe me, they will get through it. Kids are resilient. Those kids see the pain you're in. In the long run, they'll be happier with two happy parents.

If it's financial, work out your exit strategy, let him know about it, and take your time. With this approach, he may see how serious and hurt you are enough to go to therapy with you. Good luck.

[I wish]

From what you told us, I don't see any reason why you are still with him.

1) He cheated on you.

2) The trust is broken

3) You are unhappy with him

4) He disrespects you

5) He's not making an effort to make things better

6) He can't help you support the family

7) It's a one way relationship with you putting all the work

I'll stop there, because it only take 3 or 4 of these reasons to break up, but you already gave him too many chances. It's time to move on with your life. Stop torturing yourself. You are in control of your own life. He doesn't control you.

[Gemini54]

Had to spread the rep I Wish, but nicely summed up.

Juju7, it sounds as if you married very young, so I imagine that this marriage has been difficult for both you and your husband. Neither of you have had the opportunity to be independent and feel free of responsibility.

Firstly, I think that you need to tell him how you feel - be blunt - you're unhappy and you want to live independently, without him. Give him the opportunity to go to counselling with you to resolve the situation. If he won't come then you have his answer about where his priorities lie and you know that you've done your best to save the marriage.

If he doesn't come with you (and I suspect he won't), ask him to move out but emphasize that he will be contributing to the support of your children. Ensure that you know your rights and go and get some counselling for yourself.

See this as an opportunity to grow and expand your horizons without his restrictive influence.