[luvhimstill]

I have been married for 5 yrs now but last year I cheated on my husband. Our marriage had been so rocky for a long time. I love him so much but couldn't take the hateful things he said or the way he talked to me. He never ever laid a hand on me but could not seem to takl to me like a husband should.

I don't justify what I did at all, it was wrong and I feel so terrible. I just felt like I wanted to be in control for once I guess. I don't honestly know why I did it and I have never done anything like this before. Its just not me. But I did.

Well anyway, here we are a year later ( he does know what happened) and he iis still acting like he did before and throws in in my face. I understand he was hurt, but why doesn't he get that I just wanted to be treated right for once. I want to be treated like his wife.. I love him.. we have two beautiful kids together and I want us to work but I don think its fair that I am the only one trying... He does good for a week and than gets in his mood which is really hard to be around.
I would never do anything again like I did before, I wish that was one mistake I could take back but I cant.

I am lost as to what to do... its hard being in a realationship where you odnt feel loved anymore and haven't for a long time.. but I want to be with him and I really want us to fix our marriage not the affair.. but every time he says he is sorry for being hateful and turns around and acts like it again... I need some advice as to what I do to save our marriage... :confused: :confused:

[I wish]

One of the reasons he doesn't know how to treat you the way you want is because you guys have a very poor communication system. After 5 years of marriage you should have a well established communication system.

You already cheated on him, so you should be ready to face the consequence. Many people would have left the marriage after someone cheated. So the fact that he's sticking around means that he wants to work it out.

You two really need to sit down and talk it out. Marriage counselling is an option.

If you two do not have any improvement in communication, it will be really difficult to continue the marriage.

[luvhimstill]

One of the reasons he doesn't know how to treat you the way you want is because you guys have a very poor communication system. After 5 years of marriage you should have a well established communication system.

You already cheated on him, so you should be ready to face the consequence. Many people would have left the marriage after someone cheated. So the fact that he's sticking around means that he wants to work it out.

You two really need to sit down and talk it out. Marriage counselling is an option.

If you two do not have any improvement in communication, it will be really difficult to continue the marriage.

I agree we need to work on communication but how when he doesn't want to go to marriage counciling? I have asked, a lot of times but he says we don't need it. He says we will be fine and that he is sorry every time he says hateful things to me or blows me off when I want to talk about the issue we are having at that current time.. I will sit down and ask him if we can talk about why we were arguing( anytime) but he will take that has bringing it back up or trying to start another fight and its not like that honest... I am really trying to help us talk more so we know how to deal with things better. I made a mistake a year ago and I do take responsibility for it but shouldn't he try to work on how he has acted for the last few years? Is it right to tell someone to leave and go find someone else every time they are mad? That's what he use to say to me even before my mistake... I don't know where I am with him anymore...

[I wish]

Because you are married, I believe that you guys should try your best to work it out. Keep talking to each other. Lay out the issues and work them out one by one.

But if you don't see any progress, then it might not be worth hanging on. It will just prolong the pain and suffering for the inevitable break up.

[Gemini54]

I think that I Wish makes some really good points, but part of the problem with your relationship is that you haven' t ever established positive communication patterns, and you're stuck in a negative cycle that repeats itself.

In order for anything to change, this cycle needs to change.

I would suggest that you go to counselling on your own and learn some ways to deflect and defuse your husband's attacks. Clearly this has been his pattern from the start - his criticism and abuse - and now he's found yet another this to abuse you for, your infidelity. Interesting isn't it how his criticism became a self fulfilling prophecy?

He needs to stop, but in order for that to happen you need to learn ways to defuse his behavior and not take it on. Once you stop reacting to it, over time his response will shift as well.

The other thing that you both need to stop is the blame game. You've both created this dynamic and continuing to harp on it will not help your marriage. Perhaps you can ask one thing of your husband whilst you're going to counselling - that he make an effort not to mention your infidelity again. It's just one thing - if he's prepared to work on your marriage then it's not a hard thing to ask. But, it is asking him to control himself, which he has difficulty doing!

I would strongly urge you to go to counselling on your own - don't wait for him to come with you. You'll find that it will assist you to deal with his behavior and ultimately, decide whether the marriage is worth saving. But, you won't know until you try.