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vanheart · Jun 2, 2009, 07:57 PM

Thanks, I tried to socialize on Sunday but was so preoccupied that it really wasn't fun, actually made me feel worse about being absent emotionally 7 mentally given my friend's effort. But I guess that's just in my own mind. I will certainly try... I've made the decision to go NC. Hard to imagine what I would have done or said if it wasn't for everyone here.

Lonelyandbroken · Jun 2, 2009, 08:14 PM

Originally Posted by vanheart

thanks, i tried to socialize on sunday but was so preoccupied that it really wasnt fun, actually made me feel worse about being absent emotionally 7 mentally given my friend's effort. but i guess thats just in my own mind. i will certainly try... ive made the decision to go NC. Hard to imagine what I would have done or said if it wasnt for everyone here.

Just keep trying it'll get easier in time.

vanheart · Jun 2, 2009, 08:22 PM

Thanks, one thing I'm doing right now, is deciphering her text message that rocked me today and writing my translations line by line. Words can revael some much, as in these threads. It may sound messed up or I'm hanging on to it, but its really helping NC. Im starting to see what she is all about amongst the pain and hurt and trying to look at who I really am & how I could be so naïve and try to fix things.

vanheart · Jun 2, 2009, 08:51 PM

Im just venting, but I hope it helps me & others in the process.

As waivering about NC, I got this text message from my ex and broke it down. Please take it for what its worth & know its coming from someone that is week or more into my breakup.

"Hi, Im not sure if youre working"

(Translation: I hope you are still making$$ even after I did this. I don't really care if you are damaged, get over it.)

"I'll be at home tonight"

(Translation: That's when I will be available for you. My time is way more important. Keep waiting until later. I haven't taked to you in days cause it didn't serve me. Where are you? Im so used to you being there to take my B.S.)

"and would like to say hi"

(Translation: You just did remember the first word that you typed? Im not really calling to say hi, in fact this for my closure not to benefit you. I am not calling to reconcile.

And lastly...

"Can I call you"
I kind of feel crappy, was my Birthday yesterday & got your card, just spend a few days with my messed up family & really have no one to talk with. Plus I want you to get the impression that I care, but for my benefit to cause I know my narcissism is in jeopardy and flux.

Whoa, boy what a difference a day makes. Thanks for listening...

talaniman · Jun 2, 2009, 09:17 PM

Lol, I got a big kick out of your translations.

How old are you both?

vanheart · Jun 2, 2009, 09:24 PM

Im 45, she's 33. Its funny that you say this cause I was just worrying about the rationale for her friends and family. "I want someone my own age & career path" "It might be too late for kids" "He couldn't make a plan & wasn't driven enough' etc, etc, etc... But actually, I don't care what she says to others. I don't really play that & never have, the few friends are real & love me, and truly know who I am.

Woxmie · Jun 2, 2009, 09:40 PM

You are in a lot of pain. I've been through that with only four years but a couple months ago I got back together with my boyfriend after I told him I needed time and I did because my parents are divorced and just got back together. It's a real mess... Give her time she'll come back focus on good times together she misses you too! I know. You are very smart and will give her time she'll come back with open arms. UNDERSTAND HER!! She'll be sorry and believe me I'm only11... Be good. Understand. And keep being a good friend. Good luck! And the secret does work!! She'll come back.
-Woxmie

vanheart · Jun 2, 2009, 10:01 PM

Thanks, but now this about me, not her. She needs way more help then the secret or any other general method, she needs someone that can help her with her personality disorder. She is incapable of true love for her mate, or anyone else, she practices self love for sure, but to a damaging and destructive degree and stuff like books or courses that she chooses fuels her and helps justify her. She is not spirtual at all, she just wants everyone to think that. I guess now, its not about wanted her back now, or to try to fight for my love, but, for me to pick up the pieces and move on. To try & become truly aware and let her live with herself. Because that is the only person she truly loves.

vanheart · Jun 2, 2009, 10:18 PM

At the end my night & whirlwind day, I'm sad & teary. I feel sorry for her and me. I still feel love for her for so many ways. I feel so sorry for her & I wish things could be different. I wish she had the tools and power to love me. Thanks to everyone today, It really opened my eyes & reinforced that NC is the right thing to do.

vanheart · Jun 3, 2009, 01:22 PM

Still feeling pretty crappy & can't seem to get her off my mind despite being strong yesterday with NC and not responding to my first message from her in days. In some weird way I want her to keep trying to hear that she misses me or cares, only to try & see if I can be strong.
I can't help wondering if there is someone else she is chasing and if that person is with her. I know none of these feelings are beneficial in any way, but its hard for me to stop feeling for her after 5 years. I can't stop wondering if she feels she made the right decision or realizes how much I'm hurting or even misses me at this point. The thought of her not caring is torturous.

vanheart · Jun 3, 2009, 01:25 PM

I wonder what she is feeling after my no response from yesterday. I keeping that she thinks that I hate now if that helps her to forget about me...

Lonelyandbroken · Jun 3, 2009, 02:04 PM

Originally Posted by vanheart

I wonder what she is feeling after my no response from yesterday. I keeping that she thinks that I hate now if that helps her to forget about me...

You will probably never know. But don't worry about her just worry about how your feeling. Besides so what if she thinks you hate her. If she really really wants to know how you feel she'll ask. But if she doesn't really care she's not going to ask. She'll do what she wants.

totallylost07 · Jun 3, 2009, 02:54 PM

I was with my girlfriend for 7 years... and she first told me the same thing as you. And I have been feeling the same things...

In my case, there was another person in the picture.. but this is what I am trying to tell myself to do.. "I am worth it to be happy with or without this person in my life. I need to live for me and not for them or anyone else because they are doing it for themselves."

When I went NC with my ex at first she kept calling and calling, until I broke down and asked. She thought she lost me, that's why she kept calling. But you should not worry about what she is thinking. Take it from me, it will mess you up beyond anything you can imagine..

For your sake, stick to the NC. Because I did NOT and I truly wish I did. I am 100x more hurt than before I going NC. So do that for yourself and stick to the NC.

vanheart · Jun 3, 2009, 04:31 PM

Thanks. I guess what I'm feeling now is devastated and still feel love for her & I miss her so much. I'm sure you know, but can't to seem to keep my mind off her now as hard as I'm trying. I try to get angry even, but that fades immediately. I can seem to stop wondering. I don't know how she can be void of feelings after 5yrs. Like I mentioned, when we were apart we talked 20x a day.

vanheart · Jun 3, 2009, 04:37 PM

Sorry guys, I feel like I going backwards & saying the same things over & over

vanheart · Jun 3, 2009, 04:52 PM

Since she is the kind of person that doenst admit making mistakes. She may feel regret, but it is usually fleeting and stays headstrong to prove she is making the right decision regardless. Worries me that she will latch onto the first person she is anamored with or the first person that shows her interest in order to feel sexy or that she can show love to. To have that initial passion when you first date someone.

Lonelyandbroken · Jun 3, 2009, 05:08 PM

Originally Posted by vanheart

Since she is the kind of person that doenst admit making mistakes. She may feel regret, but it is usually fleeting and stays headstrong to prove she is making the right decision regardless. Worries me that she will latch onto the first person she is anamored with or the first person that shows her interest in order to feel sexy or that she can show love to. To have that initial passion when you first date someone.

This is all possible. And sometimes people can justify the most horrible actions. I've never understood it myself. But some people have the ability .

You just got to do your best and work on yourself. Trust me I know how tuff it is. But it's what you have to do. If she wanted to be with your she would. And why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

vanheart · Jun 3, 2009, 05:13 PM

I guess because I feel so blindsided. She was professing her love right to the last week. But you are absolutely right. Its just hard to see & fathom right now, as you can tell from my posts. Thanks.

vanheart · Jun 3, 2009, 05:21 PM

When my jealously creeps up, I try to think about all the victims past, present & future (as hard as that is) But I revert to thinking that if & when she finds someone (even if it doesn't last) that she can validate her decision and think "Boy why did I waste my time with me" I feel like Im losing my mind sometimes.

Lonelyandbroken · Jun 3, 2009, 05:25 PM

Originally Posted by vanheart

When my jealously creeps up, I try to think about all the victims past, present & future (as hard as that is) But I revert to thinking that if & when she finds someone (even if it doesnt last) that she can validate her decision and think "Boy why did I waste my time with me" I feel like Im losing my mind sometimes.

You can't worry about that crap. I just chalk it up to fate. Learn something from the time with her. If you got something good out of the then it was worth it.