[vanheart]

"them"
I like that.

Just like battling those giant insects in the sci-fi flicks, hey?

Rage is another word for uncontrolled outbursts. Not exactly what I meant. Meant more about quickly moving on, as my ex did... for good.

[vanheart]

Its all about the "L" word.

[vanheart]

Ya know, my real battle has been with realization.

Tal, said way back about our coping mechanisms.

Mine have sucked. Been seeking every ounce of help. Digging, then denying. You, friends, the late nights, early a.m.s. abuse at times, pushing myself with exercise at others. Doing great, then falling apart.

My coping now needs to change.

May be just this period. But, Im getting really frustrated & tired dealing with this.

My method is still changing. Feel so unclear at times.

[talaniman]

When we get sick, and tired, of being sick, and tired, we get busy with change. That's when through an honest self evaluation of ourselves we start to identify the changes we want, and formulate a plan to achieve those goals.

Darn it, everything you do for yourself involves some freakin' work, and just speaking for myself, its pretty doggone hard to wake up, and be willing to do it.

Believe me, in my youth, I have tried a lot of easier, softer ways to feel good, and be happy, and none of them worked.

It was only until I became willing to work for change, real change, not just on paper, or words, but actions, did I start seeing a better way of doing things, and a better way to love myself, so no matter what came about, I wouldn't fall for any more BS, that could hurt me, or bring me done so low, that I couldn't, or didn't want to, get back up.

Yeah life throws curves at us all the time, and knocks us down, so what, stuff happens (to good people), but getting back on our feet, and moving forward, is the way to cope with whatever happens to us.

Then, it truly does get better. Stand for something (yourself) or fall for anything (life).

[Reactor]

I think I'd just like some random stranger to come up, slap me in the face, and scream "SNAP OUT OF IT!"

I'll be reading your above post over and over in the coming days Tal.

[vanheart]

Yup, I feel that all of the time.

One thing I was thinking is that Ive lived w/o her for almost 4mo.

What do I need to be happy?

Its funny I have a close old friend in NY that met my ex a few yrs ago. And said to me "Dude, she too young for you. Plus I dont really think that she that into you"

I spoke with him about a month ago and told him I was still struggling. He said "What is she still making trouble for you, talking to you, etc.."

I said no.

He was like. "Dude get over her" "You need a woman, not a girl"

I guess my point is sometimes people know you better than you know yourself. Especially when you are blinded and in denial.

[tara1]

Yeah life throws curves at us all the time, and knocks us down, so what, stuff happens (to good people), but getting back on our feet, and moving forward, is the way to cope with whatever happens to us.

Here is a nice quote to drive this point home:
"My sympathies were not entirely with Okonkwo . . . . Life just has to go on and if you refuse to accept changes, then, tragic though it may be, you are swept aside"
- Chinua Achebe (on "Things fall apart's character Okonkwo)


I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but gets you moving.

[vanheart]

That's great, thanks. Killer.

When and how we decide to change.
And the repercussions if we don't.

Life just has to go on.

[Reactor]

.. forgot to block the ex on msn... after all these months (she's thinks I don't live in toronto.. long story) she goes "you don't love in toronto loser!!!"

.. and I cry at this... why am I so weak?

[vanheart]

Ewwwww...

More hurt. Goes to show you what kind of person can say sh**t like that.

Why haven't you blocked her out of everything?

Loser? Who's says that to someone? A sadist.

She wants you to believe that & play on your weakenesses.

Don't let her, she's already done her damage.

[Reactor]

I thought she was blocked on msn Van... honestly

Figured this was just going to be another lonely night in, now it's a lonely night with broken NC... checked her Facebook because, well, I just talked to her... NEVER... her main pic was her and her new boyfriend kissing... that's as far as I went... I just can't take this... I'm too weak for this.

[vanheart]

Why is she texting you anyway?

Gets off on it?

[Reactor]

No, she didn't text me. I don't have a cell now because I was on her plan... etc.

She IM'd me on msn while I was out for a run... my name on msn was 'meat market on Spadina... how lovely' which meant I may be getting a gig at a meat market... yay.

She lives in Toronto and knows I want to be there. So she doesn't believe me that I'm living here... thats vexing as hell.

I just want to email her saying get over yourself... but no, that would be giving her power.

[vanheart]

Stop causing yourself more pain.

Did you find out what you needed by investigating?

Did that feel good? You got what you were looking for.

That main pic says it all right now.

Don't subject yourself to this anymore. Its your doing by retarded curiousity & wanting closure.

You got your closure. Now stop caring about her.

[vanheart]

What does she care if you live there or not? It's a big city.

Wants to keep you around to sh**t on while calling you a loser if you don't live there. Hmm, that's pretty twisted. You want more of that?

Yo, sounds A lot like my ex. Self absorbed girl, headcase, insecure.

[vanheart]

She wants you to see those Facebook pictures...

[vanheart]

Hey Reactor,

Just wanted you to know that when I write, Im writing to myself too.

[Reactor]

Your right... she does van.

She doesn't believe I live in Toronto because over the past 4 months of hell I was telling her in desparation that I'm moving to Toronto asap etc... with no money, no brain, and no means of going there, it took all this time, and now she doesn't believe me.

[Reactor]

Exactly. I could sense that, which is partly why I posted my episode tonight on here. To dish it out, and reflect. Hopefully, that felt good.

[Reactor]

I'm going to take some sleeping pills to make this nightmare ease in my dreams... preciate the call & response van... thanks, and goodnight.