[csgakim]

My daughter-25 years old moved back in with my 2 grand children. She rarely helps with dishes, laundry or general cleaning. I am afraid to say anything for fear of her taking the kids to an unsavory environment... what to do?

[Knowledgefinder]

For a suggestion, try asking her for her assistance when you are within the house working also. Perhaps she could do the dishes while you are doing the laundry.

Just drop suggestive hints to her that you would like some help with daily cleaning. If it bothers you to ask her for that help, just say something like you wouln't usually ask, but you really would appreciate the help because you need it. Better yet, you'd like her help.

If she gets tough about it, then you should be tough about it as well. I'm sorry, but THAT is your home, and if you ask her respectfully and kindly (which I am certain you would) she should respect you by helping out. It's not too much to ask of her to have her help you especially if you're giving her and her children a place to stay. We all need help every now and then. There is nothing wrong with asking for it.

She needs to help pitch in to take care of your home if she is going to be staying there with you. It's only fair since you're helping her (I assume in her time of need) She should be able to help you in your time of need as well.

[Krs]

As my mum used to tell me when I lived there -
"You're living under my roof so u obied by my rules".
Its as simple as that.

Well your daughter probably knows that's your fear and she is probably taking advantage of that.
She knows the ball is in her court!

So ask her nicely and if she respects you enough she would do as she is told without complaining and making matters even more difficult.

[K_3]

Are you sure she would take the children someplace else or is she using them to get her way. I doubt she would move.
You have every right of ask her to help. There does not need to be an argument. How was it when she was at home growing up? Tell her you love having her and the children with you and you know it will work if you all work together. When you are cleaning, ask her to start laundry as you do the kitchen etc. Do not allow her to run you with scare tactics.

[s_cianci]

Don't let your fear for the grandkids manipulate you. All too many parents make that mistake, my own included. Set ground rules for your daughter and she either abides by them or she's out, kids and all. She needs you more than you need her and her kids, so that gives her incentive to play by the rules. Whatever you do, don't enable her. I understand that you love your grandchildren and you can certainly love them but they are her responsibility, not yours. She needs to work and turn over most of her paycheck to you. She also helps with all the household chores. My own parents made the mistake of enabling my now 37 year-old sister and now all of our lives are hell because of it. Their motivation was the same as yours ; feeling guilty where the grandkids are concerned. In the end they didn't do my sister any favors as she's now lost her kids and cannot live independently. Don't do the same thing to your daughter. Make her be responsible while she still has a lick of self-esteem left.

[KristinaS]

God I hope my 18 year old (who has no kids now) doesn't come back home at 25 with two kids because I'd feel just like you do now. Is she depressed? Does she work? Does she have friends? Do U know what she's been through so far? Have U asked her? How long has she been with U?

[Sentra]

She's old enough to pick up after herself, her children and do her own laundry (that is, unless you are picky about laundry and like doing it yourself, my mother in law is yet still sort of gripes!). Talk to her, let her know that it's a big addage to the household but you wouldn't rather them all anywhere else, and while she is there it would be a big help and much appreciated if she pulled her own weight.

[LUNAGODDESS]

Shock of the century... I am going through this situation myself... My reply to your daughter is that what ever she does... she will have to deal with the consciences of her action... yes, my daughter uses the grandchildren in order to control me... because she knows she made some major decisions in her life that are flattening and she thinks I would say something about it... No,. I have not.. she is grown... there are some problems I see... her father was an alcoholic ( by the way her attitude towards me was one of his reasons to get help)... what can you do with the disrespectful; reason that you are not the size you used to be child; give her some space and pray... check and see if you view any health issues... and if you had a dependent husband then the problems are : she feels a need to be protective of an alcoholic father... does this problem exist in your family?; she feels a need to be competitive with you the mother... does this problem exist in your family?; does your grandchildren love you ? Then she may be jealous of the fact that she will have to share you with them? Sick as this may sounds.. true is the really of it all... give her space she is now an adult.. until she comes to live under your roof... all you can do is suggest... just keep an eye on your grandchildren... if she forces an issue that means harm will come to your grandchild or children then call in child protective services to keep an eye on her and her children... I have heard and read about woman taking their depression out on their children... be careful.. walk up right and keep a eye on all things... this is an opinion from a personal experience...