[pathfinder616]

I’m having a relationship with a woman that I’m madly in love with. But the relationship has reached the “friends with benefits” stage. She maintains that she cannot handle a serious relationship right now and is not dating or having sex with anyone except me on rare occasion (one or twice a month). It used to be one or twice a day. The best sex we’ve ever had and still is.

She really likes me, confides in me and we still share wonderful times together. She calls me her best friend and I feel that I am. She is my best friend also. On some rare evenings and only when we have had too much wine, she asks me if I’d like to have sex with her. I live for these words. Of course, I oblige hoping to remind her of our first 100 days of blissful romance.

We could not have been a happier couple but her two jealous girlfriends were against us from the start. They succeeded in convincing her that this bliss relationship could not be real. This is when the “friends with benefits” stage started.

As far as her not dating or having sex with anyone except me on these rare occasions goes I know that this is not the truth. Girls Night Out is just what it means. Some men can sense when the person they love is lying.

In the beginning I tried to deal with this emotional nightmare by telling myself that we were just friends and she had the right to date and have sex with whomever and she had the right to not tell me the truth about it. Now I no longer can continue to lie to myself about her not telling me the truth. If she is dating and having sex with other men, and I think it’s several, I would like to know. I just want the truth so that I can make a decision on whether to continue our friendship. I think truth is an important part of friendship.

I am finding myself doing things that I never did before like invading her privacy by looking at her cell phone. I am fighting these stalker tendencies that have me driving by her apartment late at night. I am not this kind of person but I see no other way of getting to the truth. I'm starting to dislike myself because of my behavior. Any advice (from especially women) on what kind of woman I am dealing with would be most helpful. Is she a lying slut or my best friend? Does she have the right to not tell me the truth?
:confused:

[tre_cani]

As far as her not dating or having sex with anyone except me on these rare occasions goes I know that this is not the truth.

People always talk about "women's intuition", but I think the same goes for men.

It seems like you already know the answer to your question but you're in disbelief because no one wants to believe that someone they love could be lying to them.

As for her having the right to lie to you (or omit truths), it's not about the right to lie, it's about you thinking so little of yourself that you would sleep with a woman that isn't faithful.

If I were you, I'd give her an ultimatum... Me or them.

[Gillion]

I am finding myself doing things that I never did before like invading her privacy by looking at her cell phone. I am fighting these stalker tendencies that have me driving by her apartment late at night. I am not this kind of person but I see no other way of getting to the truth. I'm starting to dislike myself because of my behavior. Any advice (from especially women) on what kind of woman I am dealing with would be most helpful. Is she a lying slut or my best friend? Does she have the right to not tell me the truth?
:confused:

The first step...

DO NOT SNOOP, STALK OR FURTHER DEGRADE YOURSELF ANYMORE WITH THESE NEGATIVE ACTIONS

[Depressed in MO]

"Is she a lying slut or my best friend? Does she have the right to not tell me the truth?"-dude, that sounds a little psycho on your part. She told you she did not want the responsibility of maintaining a relationship. That was her "nice" way of telling you the answer of the question in which you are asking today.
Work on yourself, then go out there, and get what you want. Don't wait and just "settle" on what she may become, because you could wait around forever... for nothing. Let her be. Go on with your life and date other people. It will gradually be easier for you to let her go. And yes, stop stalking her. Get busy with yourself.

[Gillion]

Second step...

Do not betray the trust she has placed in you by being passive aggresive.

Third step...

ESTABLISH SELF CONTROL

What I am telling you is this. Be a man.

Control your hurting ego, control your raging jealousy, control the growing envy, control your selfish pride.

As a man in love you will have strong feelings for her. However you need to maintain your game and deal with the situation at hand with some finness, poise and rationality.

This means you need to single mindely focus on something other than her that you have a passion for. Be it restoring an 1960 Mustang, Contemporary Art, Playing your guitar or just collecting stamps. Have something to take the edge off.

Use the power of your gender to your benefit... you are not powerless.

Stop telling yourself that because that is what you are doing (which is why you are snooping)

Be her best friend, be her brother. You can still love her, but get some grip on yourself first and do not over express your feelings to her. She knows how you feel, you need not tell her again.

She is not dumb and does not need to be reminded.

She made the choice. Now be her friends and suport that choice.

If you are being used or perceive you are being used

Talk to her about it and establish a common ground for the both of you where you are treated fairly and as a MAN and not a house worn doormat.

If it does not change... WALK THE HELL AWAY!!

[starryeyed]

So having read your three threads, I think it might be a good idea if you take a step back.
Don't see her alone, if at all... don't drink with her, eat with her, shop with her, change a lightbulb with her - get my drift?
Clearly, she doesn't see a future for you two...
And you're seeing things in a bit of an extreme way - a woman can be lots of things, not just 'best friend' or 'slut'... She could be independent, confused, uninterested, she could be motivated by a whole range of things that you have no clue about...
So, if she's been clear that its just sex, and you're losing control - step back...
Also, this thing about her friends turning her against you doesn't hold - credit the woman with a brain - she makes her own mind up...

[Wildcat21]

I have a questin - how old are both of you?

[Wildcat21]

I agree - take big step BACK!! Tale a break from her for a couple weeks and get a new perspective.

I betting $1 million you come across as too needy to her. You're a sure thing. You surrendered to her long ago. Clingy. She has you - it's no fun.

Women want a guy with a life - be busy with work, workout, hobbies.

[s_cianci]

If you sense that she's not being totally honest with you then she probably isn't. Trust your gut here. Don't invade her privacy as that's not right either. Personally I wouldn't lose too much sleep over a woman who doesn't have enough character to be honest with me. Is this the type person you really want to "love?" Frankly I'd hunt around for a better catch.

[Wildcat21]

How old are both of you?

[J_9]

Personally I think it is time to drop her like a dirty dishrag!!

From all of your posts it sounds as though you are clingy and needy. She knows she can take advantage of you, and she is. She is also exposing you to possible STDs, is that okay with you?

Stop letting her take advantage of you and be the man that you are. Find someone who wants a real relationship.

She sounds like a controlling drunk and no one needs that in their lives.

[Objet trouves]

"Of course, I oblige hoping to remind her of our first 100 days of blissful romance."

"We could not have been a happier couple but her two jealous girlfriends were against us from the start. They succeeded in convincing her that this bliss relationship could not be real."

Okay, I am noting a couple of disturbing aspects in the way that you are describing the relationship. First of all, you are employing grandiose and fantastical language to describe your relationship, and you are taking a hostile attitude towards those who do not share in your view. Love is wonderful, but real life is not a fairytale, and you should be able to talk about things without sounding like you are living out 1001 arabian nights.

"Girls Night Out is just what it means. Some men can sense when the person they love is lying. "

Yes, but most guys who think that they are one of "those guys" actually can't tell, and are just paranoid. Could this be you?

"I am not this kind of person"

Well, if you're stalking her, then you are that kind of person. It doesn't matter why you're doing it. If you are engaging in stalker behaviour, then you ARE stalking her.

Is she a lying slut or my best friend?

Okay, and here you're insisting that she is either a liar and completely worthless, or the most loyal, trustworthy and valuable person in your life. I don't know how to put this sensitively, but most people do not find themselves alternating between extreme views of someone. Most people have fairly consistent impressions and judgements of others, and the fact that you are swinging between extremes, stalking her, being suspicious and paranoid about her behaviour and have a fairytale view of your romance and are hostile towards those who do not share your views actually indicate that your query has little to do with your relationship, and everything to do with your personality. You need professional help, and you need to stop stalking this girl.

[4answers]

Firstly I would say that all the answers you have received are spot on. You should listen to them, but you won't, you will continue on driving yourself insane, acting on the overwhelming emotions that are driving you! Until you push her so far away from you that the police are involved and you are a head case because as you say, if she was honest with you then none of this would have happened... Little comfort if your locked up...

Your too emotional attached to act rationaly, which is what is needed. It is great that you are recognising that you are behaving in such a way. So in the first instance you need to lower the level of the emotional attachment towards this person to a normal leval... This can only be done by emotionaly stepping back from the realationship. A period of no contact, allows you to step back and rationaly evaluate what you want.. Because at the moment you are acting on a jeolose response that is both destructive and harmfull to any relationship with this person... You will push her away...

Tell her that you are not happy with the situation, walk away for a period for your emotional attachment to come back down to a normal level and then you can deal with things... it does not take long but it must be done...

[72split]

Dude, you don't want a woman's perspective on this, they don't understand. I've been here, spent thousands on therapy and have some good insite for you. Right now she is calling the shots, saying she doesn't want a serious relationship and knowing that you do. She is in complete control of you and your happiness and she is giving you just enough to make sure you stay under her power. Your in love with her, but to truly be in love with someone they have to love you back - this type of love makes you happy, the type of love you have now makes you misserable.

Here is what you have to do. Stop letting her play you like this. Take back you power. If your driving by her apartment and spying on her then she has a since for how much you are into her and unfortunately she is abusing that power over you. Tell her that you don't want to see her anymore. Say "If we can't be together as Boyfriend/Girlfriend I don't want to be together at all. Take back your power and don't let her control your happiness.

I know the drill. She gives you enough attention to keep you interested but she doesn't commit to you. You like the challenge, you feel like crap when she hurts your feelings, so much so that when she does give you some love it feels better than it should. Get away from her, see a shrink, start getting your life back under your own control - it will make you more attractive to others and make you happy.