[Veneziadreamer]

I met a man over a year ago through a social club. We play on a bocce league. From the first day I met him, I felt a ' spark. " He is married, as I am . He is also several years my senior. I have been learning to speak Italian, and he is fairly fluent in the language. We ususally speak Italian a bit, and can talk endlessly about current and world events, food, travel, anything. ( in English!)
Gradually, things have heated up and honestly, there is a heat between us that I think is tangible. There is no way that we can carry this relationship beyond the bocce courts, it would be devasting to our families.
Here is my question. He says things to me that rock my socks. Like Facciamo l'amor, (let's make love) He compliments me, he calls me endearments(sweetie, honey, baby, darling ) Our eyes lock and I can feel us smolder. He told me once if I encounter him and he " seems strange, or not glad to see me" it is because his wife is around. Then, an UNDERSTOOD? With his eyes burning into mine. I asked him why he told me these things, he said he does not want me to feel hurt, or be angry with him if he seems dismissive towards me. So, it would seem he considers my feelings.
Last night he told me, I wish, I wish, I wish, but it is not in the cards. But maybe later, you never know. I told him that life is stranger than fiction, and yes, maybe, who knows? I kept my distance but he walked behind me while I was seated and squeezed my shoulder. I lifted my hand and he held it. He encountered me coming from the ladies and offered me a drink, and we had a drink together, with his team mates.
Oh, I could go on and on, I was leaving and he asked me for a hug. He caresses my cheek with the back of his hand. He applauds my good rolls. He leans in close when we talk and pulls his chair next to mine. He drapes his jacket over my shoulder when I grow chilled.
What is he doing? Does he want this to end? I absolutely give him the lead, I do not speak to him until he speaks to me.
He's under my skin, I think of him often. I'm afraid that I may mumur his name at an inopportune time with my husband! Also, for the record, I have been married faithfully for 18 years.
I am so confused.

[NeedKarma]

It would seem that he is not into his marriage at all and he finds you fascinating to tease and enjoys your company. On the other hand it also appears that he could care less that you are married as long as he has his fun. Your call, you pretty much run the show here.

[goldnugget]

Don't even go there. You are married and so is he. If you are feeling the need for some sort of 'thrill', go away for the weekend WITH your HUSBAND and think about what you are risking. If you don't want to be with your husband anymore, leave him before you betray him more than you already have. I don't understand people who are able to flirt with the idea of risking it all for a cheap thrill. You are both doing the wrong thing. Shame on you for continuing on with this sort of behaviour.

[kp2171]

forget about what is he doing... what are you doing??

passively giving him the lead gets you no cleaner than him.

faithfull? You are choosing to violate your vows. Great you've been faithfull until now. Too bad you are stopping. I have absolutely no kind words here.

if you value your marriage and cannot get up the self control to put him in his place, and you in yours, then you should get out of dodge. As in quit the team. Quit him. Otherwise you are quitting your marriage.

it really is that simple.

I think people have a right to be happy. I know sometimes things don't work out and people find themselves in a marriage they don't wish to continue.

but sneaking around like this is gutless, selfish, and shows a complete lack of caring for all others involved. Read that over and over again. This IS how you are acting.

on a brighter note, I love bocce. We have a great local family restaurant in town with a court outside. Eat some food and then go out back to tell lies to the boys and get beat by someone's nonnie.

[starryeyed]

Oh Kp - why do I have to spread that rep!! You always get it in one!!

Can I also add that you know and (seemingly) love your husband... And you lust after this guy, without properly knowing him... So, a spark is a spark - you can get that with anyone - love is something else... Don't make a mockery of your marriage...

[Wildcat21]

Yes - forget - leave this guy alone. Nothing good will come of it. Work on your marriage. This guy is a massive flirt - a lot of married guys will tell you anyhting to sleep with you - eapcially a lot of Italian guys.

I would pay no attention to this guy - he is setting you up to USE you. Believe me.

[Veneziadreamer]

I wouldn't describe what is going on as a cheap thrill. Rather, two people who encountered one another and have a lot in common, but are also committed to their marriages. Believe me, in a years plus time we could have carried this off the courts.
Wow, I sure wish I could live my life in an entirely black and white world. Not!

[Wildcat21]

That's too bad for you and your husband and his wife. Because you are already emotionally cheting on your husband which is just as bad.

Both of you get divorces and then carry on.

I'll bet $1 million he would never divorce his wife.

You don't get it. You don't get what's going gon here.

The one question I ask is - what would your husband say? Is this OK? No.

[Veneziadreamer]

No one is going to get a divorce. Not him. Not me. And I would say that his wife and my husband would both be less than pleased . Okay. Emotionally cheating. I will have to give you that one, I honestly had not considered that. But yes, I admit to it. So, if I think it, I did it? A venal sin? A mortal sin?

[Presleygall85]

Would you want your husband doing anything you are doing right now with someone other then you? Put yourself in his shoes turn the story around.. then ask yourself are you being unfaithful??

[Veneziadreamer]

Like I said, the emotional cheating is a new thought process for me, I had not heard that terminology. And, that is what is happening. We are emotionally cheating with each other. I quickly googled and found enormous info, very dangerous stage we are currently engaged in, sexual tension being the primary indicator.
I feel pretty unqualified to make any major decisions or choices at this very moment. My mind is invaded by another and now I have this whole new are to take a look at.
The one suggestion to quit the team was probably the most realistic, remove the opportunity for encounters. Not really sure if I can trust myself to distance myself from the guy if we continue to see each other in the current social setting.
But I keep going back to the , after the I wish, I wish, I wish, statement, why did he keep coming back? Why not make the statement and then a break? Just nod, or smile in passing, why the body contact, etc... He's not going to make a move to make this physical, I know that.

[starryeyed]

Maybe because he likes playing... Or he likes the attention... Or he's just a sleaze...
Maybe he can absolve himself because he said one thing, so what you take from the gestures is, in sleaze logic, not his responsibility...
But WHO CARES WHY??
It's not worth wondering, it doesn't achieve anything...
Just stop toying before you do damage to yourself and your relationship.

[Wildcat21]

I think he's totally playing you. 1000%. No question. He sounds like a real sleeze to me. Married men do not behave I nthis manner. He has no diginity, morals, class, loyalty.

SEE - he'll cheat on his WIFE - then - he'll cheat on YOU!! He's a cheater.

You like the attention - but he's a user.

Emotinal cheating can be worse than the other.

Yo uneed to go back to your marriage and figureout WHAT'S MISSING THERE. Obviously hubby does not pay attention to you at all.

[BIM]

DO NOT GO THERE! Quit the league! If you have been married 18 years, you need to rekindle the fire at home. This guy is a schmoozer. He's got you right where he wants you. Women like the attention & the romance, and the way he speaks in Italian to you only makes you more hot and bothered.

TAKE MY WORD FOR IT!! Flirting can only cause problems and if your husband finds out what you are doing he is going to lose all trust in you, TRUST ME!!

If you love your husband, leave that man alone. Quit all association with this man--do not go near him. Eventually your lust will calm down and you will think back on this and be glad you didn't ruin you marriage for this sloth.

[Wildcat21]

BIM - I'd spread the love - but can't. I am with you - that's what needs to be done. New hobby time.

Problem is - most people don't understand what's going on.

She needs to tell this flirt/player to get lost. He's totally setting her up for an affair.

If he cheats on his wife - he'll cheat on her as well. That's what most women don't get about affairs - the guy will cheat on them any chance. Married guys are going for the sex - you're just taking longer for him.

[BIM]

Thanks Cat.

I can see where this woman is going, if I could be a little bug in her ear, when she is around this guy or thinking of this man, I would yell at the top of my lungs---SCHMOOZER--THINK OF YOUR HUSBAND!! :eek:

I just know that all he wants is to get her into his bed and more-than-likely once he gets what he wants, he may dump her like a hot potato. I feel he is just waiting for the next one to come along.

If this man is truly what you want. Divorce your husband, make him divorce his wife and live happily ever after. But as Cat has said, he will more-than-likely do it to you.

Good luck and I hope you make the right decision for you. :)

[Wildcat21]

From what she has described - he seems a little greesy - Don Juan ish - sweet talker.

I am quite confident there are about 5 other women he does this to. He has his ACT down it sounds like... the italian, coat over shoulder etc. - it's too much.

He's looking for women with low self esteem - who's husband may not pay attention to them enough.

[chuff]

Have you ever thought about talking to your husband and telling him what you need from him? For what you post, it sounds like attention. He might just be willing to give it you if you ask. The worst part is I bet your husband has 100% full trust in you and you don't even care. He's committed himself to you and you've not given that commitment back to him.

[s_cianci]

I think you're playing with fire here. I also think there's some other underlying issue at work here. Is your husband involved in this social club/bocce league with you? If not, why not? It seems like you've deliberately excluded your husband from a part of your life and are now infatuated with this other man. Not a good thing. I think you should reconsider your membership in this social club and stay away from this man at all cost. Otherwise it'll end up ruining your marriage.

[pathfinder616]

That's too bad for you and your husband and his wife. Because yu are already emotionally cheting on your husband which is just as bad.

Both of you get divorces and then carry on.

I'll bet $1 million he would never divorce his wife.

You don't get it. You don't get what's goin gon here.

The one question I ask is - what would your husband say? Is this OK? No.

For all we know HER husband may be flirting with some other married woman on another bocce court across town.