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bigmangler · May 25, 2009, 01:51 PM

Me and my fioncee have been together for a while and have three kids together. I have worked a lot and as a result our relationship has suffered. I have gone from 235 pounds in good shape, to 335, and now I am back down to 275. She shows no interest in me sexually anymore. I have looked at all the tips on cosmo and different sites, and apparently all the things that are supposed to make women happy have become just routine for her. My friends say that I should try to take back the reins in my relationship, and I know that it would have to hurt her like I have been hurt and I don't have it in me. To be honest I am starting to about going elsewhere to find what I need and I don't want to do that either. I know that when we have sex she always has an orgasm, if not more than one so its not that. How do I make her more attracted to me if losing weight and all the tips that are in the chick mags don't work.

ChihuahuaMomma · May 25, 2009, 02:07 PM

Maybe it's just that she is comfortable. Have you talked to HER about this? What does she say?

bigmangler · May 25, 2009, 02:42 PM

I have talked to her about it. She just says that she doesn't know and asks what I want her to say

artlady · May 25, 2009, 02:49 PM

She has three kids,that puts the kabash on many things.It can be an overwhelming job sometimes and if you have never been a stay at home Mom,you could not understand.

Help her with the housework,put the kids to bed,make her a cup of tea.You will make her feel so special.

Foreplay begins when you walk through the door.By asking her how she is.Helping her with chores.

Try it and see if she does not respond!

ChihuahuaMomma · May 25, 2009, 02:58 PM

Too bad I couldn't give artlady a greenie... already did.

BUT best answer!

DoulaLC · May 25, 2009, 03:07 PM

How is her interest in other areas of her life? Does she appear overwhelmed by what is expected of her? Is she physically tired by the end of the day? How does she feel about her own appearance? Does she take care of herself? As was said, sometimes helping out more can make a difference, give her a bit of a break, but if her mood in general has changed, perhaps she might want to speak to her doctor as well.

When you make attempts to spend time with her is sex often the expected result? Are you loving and caring at other times... such as the occasional massage or back rub, cuddling on the couch, etc. without any wandering hands?

Do you do some things together... any hobbies, activities, go on dates?

Catsmine · May 25, 2009, 03:09 PM

From my favorite author, Robert A Heinlein:

RUB HER FEET

I think he wanted to imply everything Artlady and Doula said.

artlady · May 25, 2009, 03:27 PM

Originally Posted by DoulaLC

How is her interest in other areas of her life? Does she appear overwhelmed by what is expected of her? Is she physically tired by the end of the day? How does she feel about her own appearance? Does she take care of herself? As was said, sometimes helping out more can make a difference, give her a bit of a break, but if her mood in general has changed, perhaps she might want to speak to her doctor as well.

When you make attempts to spend time with her is sex often the expected result? Are you loving and caring at other times... such as the occasional massage or back rub, cuddling on the couch, etc. without any wandering hands?

Do you do some things together... any hobbies, activities, go on dates?

When you make attempts to spend time with her is sex often the expected result?

That is a critical point! You can't just be mister lovey dovey when you want something.

Fr_Chuck · May 25, 2009, 03:34 PM

You work a lot and she is raising three kids, does she have a job also outside the home?

Often helping and doing a lot of work around the home, do you help cook, do dishes, perhaps laundry and clean house.

Often just being tired and getting in a rut.

When is the last time you got a sitter and took her just somewhere in town on a overnight trip,

Do you have a date night set up at least once or twice a month to go out

starfirefly · May 25, 2009, 08:12 PM

First of all the magazines like cosmo, and such are very unaccurate . Thoes just tell women what we "should" be doing and not what we actually want, so don't bother. Have you ever considered that maybe it has something to do with the children. Having 1 kid is like a full time job, and I'm sure 3 is worse. Try giving her a night off and just let her relax, maybe all she needs is a little relief from the stress

KateBell88 · May 25, 2009, 08:14 PM

Originally Posted by bigmangler

i have talked to her about it. she just says that she doesnt know and asks what i want her to say

Sounds like she's feeling unloved, stressed, tired and/or depressed

Women are very easily distracted when it comes to sex so you need to make sure there are no distractions around the house e.g. kids running around, dinner needing to be done etc etc.

Women also approach sex differently to men - when we are stressed or tired sex can feel like too much effort whereas men tend to want sex when they are stressed in order to relax. You need to talk to her about whether she's stressed or tired and if she is ask how you can help her.

If that doesn't work you need to sit her down and tell her how you feel (without accusing her) and ask her what the problem is - it could be something unrelated to you e.g.. Medical/hormonal or she might be feeling a little depressed and that's effecting her libido.

Good Luck :)
(p.s. don't cheat!)

bigmangler · May 25, 2009, 09:22 PM

I work all day, then I often end up cooking and cleaning. I almost always put the kids to bed and I end up staying up till 12:30-1:00 trying to spend quality time. I just want to feel like she is more interested in me and I know that the rest will happen on its own. Whenever I am home she sleeps in and I am up at 4:30 six days a week. On sundays my feet hit the floor at about 8:00 when the kids wake up

bigmangler · May 25, 2009, 09:24 PM

And I don't cheat

KateBell88 · May 25, 2009, 10:22 PM

Well then maybe there is something medical going on - she sounds depressed to me.

Often depressed people have trouble getting out of bed and doing simple chores. This all tends to perpetuate as not being able to do these things makes the person feel even more depressed and useless.

I suggest you talk to her - not about the lack of sex but about how she is feeling, explain to her that you asking because she seems out of sorts and you want her to feel like she can come to you with her problems.

(p.s. I didn't mean to say that you do cheat, I meant to say don't cheat in the future)

Gemini54 · May 25, 2009, 11:42 PM

Sometimes relationships get stale - you manage to survive the daily grind and don't have any energy left for anything else. Other posters have so rightly suggested that this may be happening with your wife.

Can I suggest that what you need to do is rekindle her interest in YOU - not sex?

Can I also suggest that you can't MAKE anyone do anything - let alone be more interested in sex. If my husband was trying to make me be more interested in sex, I would probably be totally turned off (depending on the circumstances of course!) because I'd feel under pressure.

I think that you may need to take the focus off sex for the moment, and that you may just need to get to know each other again. Spend some time together without the children, do things that you both enjoy, just take the pressure off. It will take time, so you'll need to be patient.

You also need to know that many women have a change in libido after children, so don't expect it to be the same as it was. Adjust your expectations - you may need to compromise and enjoy quality not quantity.