[Steve1010]

I'm sorry this is long, but I really need advice this is eating away at me.

so we have been dating for almost 9 months, we hit it off like wild fire. Everything went well. We near christmas time (which was 4 months in) and her mother, who is not a very nice person to being with. Went irate over us. She hates me. Why? She just does, she is very controlling and was in bad relationships in the past. She doesn't even sleep with her 2nd husband she is with. She controls my girlfriend. Demanding things. Taking things. Its her way or the highway. So then she went on a trip for a month out of the country. I broke up with her because of her moms threats to me. I didn't want to end it but I did. So she kept trying to get back with me telling me no worries we love each other. So I did. And it went well. Then one night she went out with some friends. She wanted me to go with but I was to tired. She called me drunk as can be, the next day we fought and she told me she had sex with this random guy. Then I said I was getting back with u.. She said no I was just saying that to piss u off.. so then we were together. The next day she comes clean and says yes we did have sex and I was really drunk and didn't want it or know what was going on, I woke up next to him blah blah.. it was hard to believe her but I did. I took her back she was so sorry and didn't want to talk about it. So then she accepts him on Facebook as a friend, I went nuts! She gets a lot of requests and she said she just clicked accept all, she then deleted him.

recently she told me she has never fallen so hard or fast for anyone and can't believe we made it through so much with her parents and other things. She told me she can't see herself without me and wants me for the rest of her life. She wants to be with me in college this next year and wants a promise ring at the end of summer. (we will both be freshman in collegem but going to different schools)

so then, she broke up with me a month later, she said her mom made her do it. And she can't be with me because she's not aloud to see me. Even though she is 18 and all that.. the next day she texted me and said how much she needs me and we will make it work and was so sorry but is just confused with her mom.. 2 weeks later after I do EVERYTHING to make her happy. I do all the little things for her everything. Bring her dinner to work, bring her to work. Bring flowers to her. etc. she then tells me I'm sorry but I don't have the same feelings for u as I did before. I still love u but not like before. She says she doesn't want a serious relationship anymore and just wants to be chill. She claims that I can't change how she feels.. which is true, but the week before she says HOW MUCH I MEAN TO HER AND SHE WANTS TO SPEND THE REST OF HER LIFE WITH ME! I ask why did u say then then? She said I meant it at the time. But I don't know anymore. I know her mom is playing a toll on her, she says she needs her space. But why? She said she wants to be with me and she has had some boyfriends in the past and said we have been through it all and she just knows I'm the one.. now she says she doesn't feel the same about me a week later?? WHAT DO I DO! Someone please help. What is she really thinking? Is she confused about her mom? Does she really love me? She says she does just not the same. But u don't lose feelings like that randomly... I've been losing sleep and I have been sick to my stomach, I love her so much..

if there's anymore info needed I will gladly give it.

[dudevill]

Whoa that's a handful.
Anyway, I speak from experience because I had a girlfriend just last year that had a really controlling mother and caused us to break it off. It was on and off, just like your relationship, and she told me she loved me and all that jazz, but in the end she said she couldn't do it anymore.
My advice is this; This girl grew up with a controlling and manipulative mother, and either some of that nature has rubbed off on her daughter, or her daughter is spiteful for it.
It seems like maybe this girl is dating you as a way to passive-aggressively get back at her mother for being so controlling.
Also, this girl seems to be manipulating you and toying with your feelings. She might just be looking for someone to use for attention when she feels she needs it.
As for the sleeping with the other guy, that seems typical with a girl of her nature, and once again maybe just a cry for attention.
Your best bet is to stand up for yourself and stop giving in to her every whim. She clearly can't make up her mind about what she wants, so you know she is already constantly skeptical about your guys' relationship.
I say back away for a while and if she cares she will realize what she would be losing.
At this point its time to stop chasing her.

[Steve1010]

So stay back, what does that entail? She doesn't have many friends because she moved here last year. And every time we have problems were always there and when she broke up w me. She cme back.. so now were still "dating" yet she says she loves me but not as much as she did. She said when she wanted me forever she meant it last week, but now is confused. She says she doesn't know if she will ever feel the same about me again. But yet she wants to be with me. Why? Will it get better? By the way she's never been with anyone as long with me nor has spent so much time with any other bf;s

[Steve1010]

I don't want to lose her, and she said all those things to me.. I don't know why she's skeptical.. it makes no sense, what does space mean? She said she's not going to see any guys and just wants space

[Steve1010]

As for dating me for being able to take her pain out wit me. Why? Its been nine months and she has always chased me.

[talaniman]

This relationship is not healthy, because one of you is not healthy. Either her mom dominates too much, or she is using that as an excuse.

You still need to let her deal with her own issues, without your influence, and that does mean leave her alone.

She is just not ready for what you want.

[dudevill]

If you really want to be with her, the best you can do in this situation is let her deal with her personal problems on her own.
By stay away, and giving her space, I mean just chill out on the relationship thing. You say she doesn't want to be with other guys but she is indecisive about your guys' relationship.
It sounds like she is confused about what she wants, and the more you try to intervene and try to talk about it, the worse the confusion will get. You want her to come to you at this point, you've been there for her and still are, and she already knows this.
And it may suck to hear this, but I think she's so skeptical about her feelings because she knows how much you care about her and she may be trying to just make you happy, but at the same time its not what she really wants.
With such a controlling mother, you got to think that she probably has spent most of her life trying to please her mom but never got the praise that she was looking for, and she might be trying to stay with you in favor of your feelings not hers.

[Lowtax4eva]

I'd have to agree, just let her go. I think she might be using her mom speak for her, like maybe she wanted to end it but was afraid to do it and used this as her excuse... or she is the kind of girl who will do whatever her parents say forever.

In either case, this is not someone you want in your life.

[Steve1010]

I couldn't imagine letting her go. She's told me so many times how much she needs me and thinking about not being her really makes me want to throw up. It hurts really bad and ahh I just don't know what to do. She says one thing then another and I'm on an emotional rollercoaster and I just feel like sitting around all day and thinking of her, it hurts to see her in this prison because we have been through so much. I don't know what to do. I want to give her space but I don't know how too

[Wondergirl]

i couldnt imagine letting her go. shes told me so many times how much she needs me and thinking about not being her really makes me want to throw up. it hurts really bad and ahh i just dont know wht to do. she says one thing then another and im on an emotional rollercoaster and i just feel like sitting around all day and thinking of her, it hurts to see her in this prison because we have been thru so much. idk what to do. i want to give her space but i dont know how too

If you don't back off, you will be on this emotional rollercoaster for as long as you are involved with her. How many times has she told you she needs you? How many times has she said just the opposite?

How to back off and give her space? -- no phone calls, no texting, no PMing, no in-person conversations. Be busy with other stuff. You HAVE to do this if you want to keep your sanity.

[Steve1010]

If you don't back off, you will be on this emotional rollercoaster for as long as you are involved with her. How many times has she told you she needs you? How many times has she said just the opposite?

How to back off and give her space? -- no phone calls, no texting, no PMing, no in-person conversations. Be busy with other stuff. You HAVE to do this if you want to keep your sanity.

So nlo texting? We haven't had a day in 9 months without talking. How could this work? Would she come back to me? What if she texts me?

[dudevill]

If she is being honest when she says she's not going for other guys, then what would it hurt to back off for a bit?
I know it's hard, and I have experience with girls like that, but I've learned that the best thing you can do is either let them get over their problems on their own or move on and find someone who will treat you better.
I know its hard and it will take time to get over it but the way things are going for you now seem to be giving you a lot of un needed stress.

[Steve1010]

If she is being honest when she says shes not going for other guys, then what would it hurt to back off for a bit?
I know it's hard, and I have experience with girls like that, but I've learned that the best thing you can do is either let them get over their problems on their own or move on and find someone who will treat you better.
I know its hard and it will take time to get over it but the way things are going for you now seem to be giving you a lot of un needed stress.

She said no more constant texting, yet she texts me.. b,c I said I won't text you unless you do me.. what do you think would happen if I just said find yourself and come back?>

[Steve1010]

I just don't get it, over and over she says I'm the one and how much she needs me and says we have been through so much I {PROMISE TO NEVER LET U GO. Then one day she says I don't feel the same and need space.

[Steve1010]

Should I say whatever makes you happy? Or do I just say you treat me horrible when I've been amazing I loved you through everything ( my goal is for her to come back to me) I want her to see how lost she is without me but I want to do it the right way.. so what do I do? Not answer her texts? Calls? Anything what?

[dudevill]

She's confused about something in her life. You can't expect her to be able to maintain a healthy relationship if she is unable to get a grip of reality and take control of her own life. As long as she is confused like this, your relationship with her is going to continue to be unstable. There's nothing you can do except either wait for her to figure out her problems or just move on, and since you don't want to move on then that only leaves the one alternative.

[Steve1010]

She said she doesn't want a relationship right now

[dudevill]

I meant relationship in general, like your connection with her.
If she doesn't want to date then you have to accept that. You can't force or control any part of her life.
It's just a lot of unneeded stress to have to deal with indecisiveness such as this.
I think you should give it up and just move on, because to me this just seems like more drama than any decent person should ever have to deal with

[Steve1010]

She says she wants to be by herself right now.. and she doesn't know what she wants. But she said we can be together? Just not relationship:

[Steve1010]

So what do I do