[DoulaLC]

This is, however, assuming the wife does indeed know and is OK with the way things are. That is not known though, and from what the OP has stated, it doesn't appear that she does know. Even if she did, it does not automatically mean she is "happy" with how things are... as you said, there are many reasons someone might stay in a relationship.

Does your friend's husband know of her lover? Is he truly OK with it or does he just turn a blind eye to keep his family together? Does he have someone on the side as well? Do you know if this is something they agreed upon together as being OK in their marriage?

The difference is that if all of the parties involved are OK with it, that is one thing... some people truly are OK with open relationships... it is entirely different if it is carried forth through lies and deception.

[Jake2008]

I think society in general has a very dim view of 'the other woman'.

As to our OP, because she seems so capable and smart to me, I do hope that counselling might open up some other possibilities too. I'm really impressed with her taking that route.

I'm not sure what will happen with my friend with the 'friend' on the side; it's quite possible it could end a disaster. Nothing can guarantee a happy ending under those circumstances.

[DoulaLC]

Again, can we all remember that I came here with doubts about my situation (which means I do have a soul) I came seeking advice and i got some great help. I decided after talking to people here that I should seek professional advice and I made an appointment with a counsellor. I see there is a problem and I am making progress at getting it resolved.

Glad to hear you feel you have had some help and thoughts to consider regarding your doubts. Sometimes it can be difficult to separate your feelings and when you start to question yourself, or wonder about a situation you find yourself in, then it is a time to step back and take a look at things with perhaps a different perspective.

Good luck with the counseling and with discovering what you are comfortable with. If you decide that at some point you would like to be in a relationship where you and your partner can give of yourselves freely and completely, I hope you find that too.

[hellokitty00]

You're not a horrible person. But what you're doing isn't good at all either. If you love someone and they love you back, they should give their love to you and only you, same thing with you giving your only love to him. Plus he's basically cheating on both his wife and you. I suggest you stop seeing each other because I don't think this relationship is very healthy.

[Rich11111]

I personally know a woman, she is a friend of mine, and has been for many years. She is committed to her marriage, but she also has a committment to her lover on the side. I didn't abandon her when I became aware of this, but everybody else did.

Five years on, her daughter is about to get married, her husband has just retired, and the lover is still seen once in a while.

I sat back and just listened. This 'triangle' worked for her, and gave her what she needed, and she was happy with that. Still is.

IF she had asked me what I personally thought, I'd have said, you need to get rid of ManB, and consentrate on Man A, your husband. Knowing her as long as I have, I can't turn around and suddenly see her as some sort of monster. She is the same person.

I think that maybe, just maybe, the benefit to her, kept her marriage together. Who knows, maybe the same holds true for our OP's boyfriends wife?

If everyone abandoned her then I presume that a lot of people knew about her having an affair, meaning that the husband probably knew as well and since he didn't leave he must have accepted it in one form or another. Even if it is only one sided this still counts to me as an open relationship.
In the OP's situation there is a chance the wife know, there is a chance she doesn't.
If it is the latter than these two situations are completely different.

I'm not religious but I still see adultery behind your partners back as a sin, and even if the victim doesn't know of it a sin is still an act of Evil.

That being said I agree that the husband is the one most at fault here, and he would continue with the OP or without.
The other woman isn't the main "offender" in these situations, but more often than not they don't help either.

[liz28]

I just read your other post https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...-357582-3.html

So I just want to know "Do you have feelings for this guy?" You stated he just to deal with prositutes but you stated you are one so what is difference?

[Meow420]

After reading the OP other post I see she have some unhealthy views and I just hope that counseling helps her open her eyes and get her on a healthy road.

Unhealthy views in your eyes... I don't have unhealthy views. I just don't think the same as the majority. Just because I have a different view on things does not mean I ma living an unhealthy life.

Im not on drugs, I'm not an alcohlic, Im not depressed, I don't self-hate. I don't have a mental illness.

I MAY have a sex addiction ( which is why counselling is on Tuesday)
I DO have different views on relationships and marriage than the majority of people I know.. but does that make my life wrong?

[friend4u178]

Don't take offense to any of the posts Meow , remember they are all just each individuals opinions.

And each post is just a piece of the jigsaw to be put together to sort your problem.

We can all see your heading in the right direction by your actions to get couselling.

Hang in there Hon :)

[Meow420]

So I just want to know "Do you have feelings for this guy?" You stated he just to deal with prositutes but you stated you are one so what is difference?

Absolutley I have feelings for this guy. I didn't at first. He was just a "friend with benefits" at the bginning. But after a year of seeing him, I have fallen for him.

I may be a prostitute, but I am capable of falling in love. The difference between him seeing a sex worker and him seeing me is : I do not take money from him, OUr relationship is on a personal level (whereas a prostitute only offers sex), We have in everyway a "normal" boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. There are feelings involved by both of us.

Just because I am a sex worker, doesn't mean that once I leave work I don't have a "normal" life with "normal" feelings and needs.

[Meow420]

I just want to thank all of those that took the time to leave comments on this question.

Im not going to make any more comments about this, as the question I wanted to know answers to, has somewhat been answered.

Am I horrible? No I am not.
Some people view that what I am doing is wrong and that is completely OK. Their moral views are a little different to mine.

I am seeking counselling regarding a few issues I feel the need to talk to someone about. That doesn't mean I am going to quit doing what I am doing, it just means Im taking a good look within myself to see if there are reasons I am living my life this way.

I won't be making any more comments on this thread, like I said, my question is answered. The other questions that have come into this thread, regarding the married mans guilt etc, are not what I came here to discuss. I can't speak on his behalf.

Thank you again to everyone that helped steer me in the direction of counselling.. I should have done it a long time ago.

The genuine people on this site are wonderful. What a pleasure its been to open up to you all.

x x x x

[liz28]

My post wasn't to offense you but it was just a questions because I know eariler in this thread you mention about him sleeping with prositutes.

Also, these questions will come up in your counseling. So it just something to think about it.

In the end, like everyone else, I had you get all the help you need and I am glad you came to this site because if you didn't you would have never made an appointment to see a counselor and wouldn't be starting this new journey.

[friend4u178]

Im not going to make any more comments about this, as the question I wanted to know answers to, has somewhat been answered.

I am seeking counselling regarding a few issues I feel the need to talk to someone about.

I for one would be interested to hear how your counselling sessions go.

[BlackVY]

I for one would be interested to hear how your counselling sessions go.

Definitely... an update will be nice... she is going for the counseling session on Tuesday... :)

[Meow420]

I for one would be interested to hear how your counselling sessions go.

I will definaltetly come back and let you know how I went with the counslleor. There has been a few people that have asked me to let them know how it goes. Im a bit nervouse about it, but looking forward to it!

[Jake2008]

Add me to the list for an update, and best of luck with your counsellor.

[Meow420]

Add me to the list for an update, and best of luck with your counsellor.

Absolutely! Thank you for bringing a different outlook to this post x x

[leaky sink]

I understand that you are just having fun with the guy but you should think about yourself. You are ruining your chances of having a happy healthy relationship with that special someone because you are with this married man. It will end eventually and you will get older. You should really stop and think about yourself. He is selfish and he doesn't really love you.

[123lauralie]

sorry, what i meant was, ive put 2 questions on this site.. this question about the married man situation and also a seperate question in a different area regarding addiction.

Yes i asked the question here - am i horrible? You have all answered yes, i accept that answer.

Oh my gosh, I totally disagree... you are NOT horrible. Neither is your lover. It's hard to go against the social norm. Everyone is trying to get you to conform, they do have their points, but it's not always so black and white. You aren't the married one, even if you are aware that he is... even if he is married... I don't think it's so bad. Rule rules rules... blah.

[123lauralie]

Ok, my apologies... I didn't read the entire thread before I answered, I couldn't help it... when I read that you accepted being a 'horrible' person, it broke my heart.

The fact is that it is not a socially 'acceptable' act to sleep with a married man... especially when you know that he is a married man. But my point was that things aren't always as they seem. Yes, ideally (or majorly accepted), you may want to be involved with just one person and have all of your needs met, whether emotional, intellectual, or sexual (not an exclusive list)... but the fact is that many marriages fall short, for whatever reason, especially after more time elapses together. And that you're not the married 'party' means a lot to me, personally. (well, even if you were, there's still lots to discuss there). Anyhow... if you weren't his lover, even if he had others, he would fill this position with another... so that you are getting your needs met doesn't mean that it's at the expense of his marriage.

I hope you find what you're looking for in the counselling. I just want you to know that I understand your un-easiness in your questioning, mostly because your actions don't conform to the 'standard' of a happy-ever-after relationship standard. If it were OK to meet your needs outside of this standard, I honestly don't think people wouldn't be so harsh in their judgements. I admire you in not putting yourself in the position in telling his wife... totally not your place, it's his - if he were to choose to do so. Stay strong and stay focused in what it is you need in life. Maybe this isn't your best choice in life, and maybe it's not so damning after all. Take care of yourself... and don't be your worst critic. (sorry if this response offends others... it's my 'experienced' opinion)

[DoulaLC]

Oh my gosh, I totally disagree ... you are NOT horrible. Neither is your lover. It's hard to go against the social norm. Everyone is trying to get you to conform, they do have their points, but it's not always so black and white. You aren't the married one, even if you are aware that he is ... even if he is married ... I don't think it's so bad. Rule rules rules ... blah.

This would be fine as long as his wife is in agreement... which seems doubtful since he apparently has not mentioned this and he has mentioned cheating on his wife in the past. If everyone involved was "ok" with this, it wouldn't be cheating and there would be no issue... Meow wouldn't have even questioned whether she was wrong.

Just because he would likely go elsewhere doesn't make it OK to be a party to it. That is like telling someone is it OK to sell drugs to an addict, since you are having your need of making money fulfilled, and because they would just buy elsewhere if you didn't do it.

It is just another way to justify someone's actions in their own mind... it is ultimately thinking of themselves and not the others involved. The mentality becomes that if you can't actually see someone getting hurt, then it makes it OK to continue... personal responsibility and simple respect for another person go out the window.