[talaniman]

Originally Posted by heidijoanne
Don't any of you need that answer to why? Ever?....lol.


Im quite proud to say that this time I think I finally get it. Sticking with unhealthy relationships was due to me not understanding that I am not responsible for anyone's happiness but my own and I do deserve to be happy, as does every other human being on this planet. And it's a choice I Have to make for myself, no one else can do it for me no matter how disillusioned I may be in the moment of how great that person is. We are all just trying to get it right, and find our happiness

I see you have it figured out. Good for you.

[heidijoanne]

Do not volunteer for abuse!
You are no longer a victim, you are now a grown woman who knows this man is a controlling creep. Anytime someone tells you who you can and cannot talk to, that is the first clue that you are dealing with a creep. You can choose to stay or leave. You said you are a strong person, be a smart one too. Get out of this abusive situation.

I think perhaps stating the obvious at times may not be the best way to "help" or give advice.
My still being here has nothing to do with whether or not I am intelligent. Sometimes issues go deeper and need more understanding than a "grow up" answer.

[Homegirl 50]

I think perhaps stating the obvious at times may not be the best way to "help" or give advice.
My still being here has nothing to do with whether or not I am intelligent. Sometimes issues go deeper and need more understanding than a "grow up" answer.

I understand that, and I was not questioning your intelligence or telling you to grow up. You said you were a strong person I said then be a smart one too. Meaning, do the smart thing or the wise thing. Do not be a volunteer, you are an adult and in control, don't give up that control by staying in a bad situation.
If you are taking steps to leave that is good, but at the time I posted that answer you had not discussed any steps, you were asking about whether you should talk to neighbors or if he could put you out.
It was not my intention to insult but advise

[heidijoanne]

I really appreciate you taking the time to respond! I must admit, I can be defensive about the issue at times. I see my mother and sister in the same boat, and it's a cycle that just seems to keep repeating itself because we are lost. I keep hoping that finding deeper meaning to my struggles will help me to finally let go and let (god, higher power, etc)... so when I sometimes hear the generic "leave him", "stand up for yourself", "be smart"... it's kind of hurts because I know I'm smart, I just have a lifetime of emotional trauma to deal with. Just trying to figure it all out, and trying to find a little support in this sometimes crazy world.

I'm sure that you are here to help, and I truly apologize if offended.

Cheers

[Homegirl 50]

You may not always find the "deeper meaning" to a situation while you're still in it. Some people look for it before they make a move. Oftentimes you just have to say "this is not a good place to be" step out on faith and leave, break the cycle. Only then you are able to see the deeper meaning, and sometimes we see that we are there because we are stuck in our comfort zone, even when that zone is not a good one.

In all sincerity, I wish you the best.

[heidijoanne]

Thanks Homegirl!
My biggest hurdle I think now is getting past the fact that he pretends nothing happened, everything is OK, get over it... move on... arrrrgghhhhhh

He said to me last night that he was hurt by the whole incident as well and he was able to move on... lol... why can't I? I just have a hard time understanding how some people live with themselves, all the lies. I should get it by now, and I want to so badly... I'm just always so worried.. what if I'm wrong? What if I'm wrong and I hurt this person?. I want more than anything to just be able to listen to me, come from a deeper more spiritual self, and trust my instincts. The what if's come in a form of extreme quilt for me, a crappy sinking feeling, like I almost feel responsible for the feelings of this other person. It's not just a thought unfortunately. I do realize if probably manifested from years of the same routine with men and I do feel that I am getting better, but I still have days where I think... "frig, is this strange reaction.......guilt, unworthiness, sadness, pain....always going to happen to me when I am doing what is best for me and trying to help myself"

[Homegirl 50]

I wish there was a wand I could wave and you could see things as you want and need to.
You just have to remind yourself of what has gone on, how this has made YOU feel and do what is right for YOU.
He knew perfectly well what he was doing, you were the one in the dark. Now you see the light, walk in it.
If all else fails, when you feel a moment of weakness, re read this topic.
I wish you well.

[heidijoanne]

A little more indepth

I know, or at least felt I knew what was going on... but when someone goes out of their way to make you think you are seeing things that aren't there and hearing things the wrong way or misunderstanding what is being said, basically completely denying what I think, feel, hear, and see... it is extremely confusing. If I try to talk about it to this day... it's almost like he pretends I didn't even bring it up, puts a smile on his face, tries to kiss me like everything is wonderful. It makes me question my sanity to say the least.

In my case, something I didn't really get into... I have had a tendency to isolate myself over the years when I'm feeling overwhelmed by my thoughts and emotions. Im a very sensitive person, to certain sounds, touch, light... and before discovering that it's just that... hyper sensitivity... I used to think I was going crazy because my head would feel like it was going to explode at times simply because someone snuffed or music was to loud, or someone was eating loudly. Once I finally understood this, I actually started to see how my boyfriend would sometimes use this to his advantage. I have been here for a year and a half and I know I should go, and want to, but I've isolated myself pretty much the whole time from friends and familly and am scared or at least extremely anxious to put myself back out there. At the same time, I feel that it wasn't just my doing, the isolation... I feel I had help with the process once again from a guy who is more than willing to disregard how it affects me because at this point Im thinking he's incapable of caring about my feelings.

Throughout the years I have never had trouble making friends, almost the extreme opposite... I'm pretty shy, or anxious when it comes to meeting new people so I tend to let people come to me and usually once they do they see I'm a pretty great person, I care, I'm funny, positive and very understanding, easy to talk to so making friends hasn't been the problem, problem for me has been the tendency to drop of the face of the earth because I feel quilty about never answering calls or doing things with people because I literally at times don't know how to leave my house because of the anxiety. It's embarrassing, makes me feel like a total looser and basically not a good friend.

I guess the good news is I'm just understanding in the past year why I've reacted to things the way I have, that the big picture tells me that there is more right than wrong with me and that I'll be OK.

Next step is getting myself away from this situation, and changing my pattern of relationship choices. It seems to me, it's only the guys I've dated (usually long term) that have had a hand in me questioning my own existence, not the people I have called friend. Tells me something!

How does a man or a woman completely disregard anothers reality when it's clear that the person's reality is real, true and concrete?

Rambling again... lol... my mind never stops!

Thanks

[heidijoanne]

HomeGirl 50,

I truly see why you are a senior member! Your empathy is hard to find, and says a lot about what a great person you must be!

Cheers