[sloanranger]

1st time on this kind of forum but through I'd give it a try as there is something that is driving me crazy.

I really like this girl at work who has been with us for about 1 & 1/2 years now but I seem to be getting mixed messages as to whether she likes me.
Sorry this may go on a bit but I just wanted to make the picture as clear as possible.

She is very pretty and seems a really nice genuine person and everyone at work seems to like her. She is of Chinese descent and her English isn't great, she works in a different department to me but on the same floor so plenty of chances to say hello when walking past each other in the corridor. When she first started we would be polite and say hello but over time I started to think that she seemed intersted in me. Whenever I asked for anything from her when in her department she seemed over helpful but nervous at the same time. Also I was starting to make a conscious effort to catch her eye and see her response and she always gave me a really big smile.

Anyway back in January I wished her a Happy New Year (Chinese new year) to try and strike up a conversation with her. She seemed pleased to have the conversation and mentioned a few work colleagues were going out lunchtime for a Chinese meal to celebrate and did I want to come. After the meal she made a point to say it was a shame we didn't get to talk (I was at the other end of the table) - All possitive stuff.

Over the last few months we seem to be sending each other a lot of e mails, nothing too flirty but she seems to want me to continue communication in this way. From my side it's great as it's less obvious to other work colleagues that we are communicating a lot to avoid any rumours starting. Also some verbal conversations have ended up with us both confused due to the language barrier.

The problem is that she isn't being very flirty and sometimes she seems to deliberately ignore me like not looking up at me when I pass her in the office and when she passes my office she always looks straight ahead as if trying to ignore me. Now maybe it's my imagination and because I often will look over at her if passing that I sometimes feel maybe she doesn't like me and wants me to leave her alone. Also I should say I don't think I'm that good looking, pretty average and I wonder if she is out of my league so the slightest thing like this knocks my confidence.

2 other girls in the office are quite flirty with me, making fun of me and grabbing my arm/shoulder etc. Both of them always acknowledge me and go out of their way to come into my office and flirt a little. So it makes me wonder why she isn't more like this if she does like me. Maybe she's just shy but I'm more used to girls that like me being more obvious.

Anyway on the flip side I recently went to catch an after work meal with the two other girls mentioned above. However when I arrived at the restaurant I found at that a number of other girls from work were also going including the girl I like. I felt a bit outnumbered being the only guy there and yet again she was at the other end of the table but she made a special effort to aknowlege my prescence with a wave and big smile. We didn't speak that much but did manage to have a bit of a laugh with each other with me trying to show her my limited Chinese vocabulary.

The next day at work in the Kitchen when I was on my own she came in and asked if I had had a good time and said that the girls have a meal once a month and I should come again. I agreed so as to seem possitive about the invite which I normally wouldn't do being invited to an all female night out as it seemed a bit strange.

A few days ago she sent me an e mail saying "Hey JFY" copying me in on an e mail from another girl that was organising the night out. I thanked her for the invite but declined as I couldn't make it but took the opportunity to invite her to a birthday celebration I was organising for myself with work colleagues. Even though at that stage I couldn't confirm the date or venue she said she would love to come and whatever I decided she was available.

The problem is yet again over the last few days I get mixed messages with her being warm and friendly at times and ignoring me completely at others.

If we didn't work in the same company I would have asked her out a long time ago but the fear of rejection has put me off as I could end up looking a fool.

Sorry this has gone on so long but can any women shed any light into what might be going on with her feelings towards me with this kind of behaviour.

[Corvas]

Ask her out!

Joining in on the 'girl's night' is going to get you dangerously close to the deaded FRIEND ZONE. Trust me buddy, that's the last place you want to be with her, or any of the other ladies at work that you might be interested in.


If she brings up the girls night dinner again, tell her that you would love to have dinner with her, but not that night. How about... Friday? We could go for a walk to my favorite ------ afterwords.

She WILL go for it! She's just shy. She's seen you flirting with the other girls and thinks you are out of her league!


ASK HER OUT!

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[sloanranger]

ask her out!

joining in on the 'girl's night' is going to get you dangerously close to the deaded FRIEND ZONE. trust me buddy, that's the last place you want to be with her, or any of the other ladies at work that you might be interested in.


If she brings up the girls night dinner again, tell her that you would love to have dinner with her, but not that night. how about... friday? we could go for a walk to my favorite ------ afterwords.

she WILL go for it! she's just shy. She's seen you flirting with the other girls and thinks you are out of her league!


ASK HER OUT!

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Thanks for the feedback, I hear what you are saying about the dreaded friends zone which is why I turned down the girls night out offer. But she is coming to my birthday do and said "I can't wait !" in her recent e mail. I just thought it may be better seeing how we get on at my birthday do as it may offer an opportunity to have a good chat with her this time to gauge if she really likes me before asking her out. As I said the mixed messages are screwing with my mind so I'm not confident enough to ask her out on her own (although she knows she's the only one that I have invited that is not in my department) so must have some suspision that I like her, that and the fact that she joked the other day that she should join my department to which I said I wish you would.

You may be right about her being jealous of the flirting by the other girls as one time when I had one of the girls in hysterics with laughter she litteraly came running over and asked "What's so funny, why all the laughter".

I'm not really interested in the other two girls I just enjoy having a great laugh with them (one of them has a boyfriend anyway and both are too young for me).

[N0help4u]

You could ask her out for lunch or a weekend afternoon festival type thing if you don't feel comfortable asking her on an official date.
Many girls are not flirty or aggressive because of cultural or traditional up bringing or they found that it scares or turns guys off.

When the other girls flirt don't come off too interested in them so she is not getting mixed messages. Or if possible include her in on the joking and all.

[ChihuahuaMomma]

She seems very interested in you, and seems to be playing coy and hard to get.

Perhaps SHE is resistant as well, because she doesn't want to create an uncomfortable work environment.

Ask her out, on an ACTUAL date. Just the two of you.

[dontknownuthin]

What I understand from your post is that she's Chinese, her English is rough, and she's given you some clues that she likes you but is not overtly flirtacious. Depending on how modern her family are, what she's already done to show interest in you may be really over the top for her culture. Consider many Chinese marriages are arranged, and if you are not also Chinese, she may feel like she's really pushing the limits to have an interest in you. But she sounds like she likes you.

I would recommend you invite her on a date - don't give a mixed message like asking her out with a group or whatever, just ask her to dinner on a weekend. And I would even ask her for Saturday night, not just after work. If she knows you're coming to pick her up and such, she will know it's clearly a date.

If she seems to want to go but is hesitant, perhaps offer to meet her parents. This might be a crucial step, to have their permission to date her.

Then again, she could be really modern and not worry about any of this - but it could be a consideration, can't tell from your post.

If she says no, I would just leave the door open and say, "if you ever change your mind, let me know - I really enjoy your company and would love to spend more time with you".

You have to take a "no" for an answer the first time if you're asking someone out at work - sexual harassment issues and all that.

Good luck.

And if three different women at your work have been flirtacious or shown an interest in spending time with you, uhm, your looks are not a problem so forget about it. And I'll tell you another thing - a lot of gorgeous women are with men who are not their physical equals. Quality women (whether attractive or not) look for more than one attribute in a man.

[sloanranger]

You could ask her out for lunch or a weekend afternoon festival type thing if you don't feel comfortable asking her on an official date.
Many girls are not flirty or aggressive because of cultural or traditional up bringing or they found that it scares or turns guys off.

When the other girls flirt don't come off too interested in them so she is not getting mixed messages. Or if possible include her in on the joking and all.

Thanks for the advice especially about trying to include her in the joking. I often go to lunch with the two girls just to ge a break from the office as it's the only way I get a rest from work. She sees me going to lunch with one of the girls as she is in my department and we have to pass her to get to the canteen. Maybe I should cut back on this but it would mean being on my own for lunch which is a bummer. I know it sounds stupid but at this stage I don't feel confident enough to suggest going to lunch with her in front of her department as I feel this will start the rumours which I hate (been there before)

[sloanranger]

What I understand from your post is that she's Chinese, her English is rough, and she's given you some clues that she likes you but is not overtly flirtacious. Depending on how modern her family are, what she's already done to show interest in you may be really over the top for her culture. Consider many Chinese marriages are arranged, and if you are not also Chinese, she may feel like she's really pushing the limits to have an interest in you. But she sounds like she likes you.

I would recommend you invite her on a date - don't give a mixed message like asking her out with a group or whatever, just ask her to dinner on a weekend. And I would even ask her for Saturday night, not just after work. If she knows you're coming to pick her up and such, she will know it's clearly a date.

If she seems to want to go but is hesitant, perhaps offer to meet her parents. This might be a crucial step, to have their permission to date her.

Then again, she could be really modern and not worry about any of this - but it could be a consideration, can't tell from your post.

If she says no, I would just leave the door open and say, "if you ever change your mind, let me know - I really enjoy your company and would love to spend more time with you".

You have to take a "no" for an answer the first time if you're asking someone out at work - sexual harassment issues and all that.

Good luck.

And if three different women at your work have been flirtacious or shown an interest in spending time with you, uhm, your looks are not a problem so forget about it. And I'll tell you another thing - a lot of gorgeous women are with men who are not their physical equals. Quality women (whether attractive or not) look for more than one attribute in a man.

I don't think she is too traditional as she is into travelling and enjoys her nights out with the girls and seems fairly independent. But her parents are still in China, so she may have been brought up traditionally (although I'm not sure what area of China it was). Having said this she did tell me she doesn't really drink and I know traditional Chinese frown on women drinking.

[dontknownuthin]

Yeah, if her parents are still in China, you know she may be trying to figure out for herself how to balance American and Chinese customs - I think it would be good to invite her out for a nice dinner, treat her like a lady, take a slow pace (don't go for notches on your belt on that first date!) Overt flirting is probably just not done where she's from.

Take care!

[sloanranger]

Yeah, if her parents are still in China, you know she may be trying to figure out for herself how to balance American and Chinese customs - I think it would be good to invite her out for a nice dinner, treat her like a lady, take a slow pace (don't go for notches on your belt on that first date!) Overt flirting is probably just not done where she's from.

Take care!

Thanks for all your input. Today she popped into my office which she does only rarely, as she wanted to say thanks to me for supplying her an item out of our warehouse FOC. This was something she wanted to buy on staff sale but I said I could organise it for free. Anyway I sometimes share my office with a sales guy 2 days a week and today was one of those days. She whispered thank you and gave me a big smile. She also asked why I was in today as she thought I was meant to be out at a show. I explained the show wasn't for another couple of weeks. I was taken a bit off guard as it's so rare for her to stop by my office and she kind of appeared from out of no where, so I kind of didn't know what to say especially with the other guy in the office. I was also confused as I wasn't sure at first what she was referring to about the show as I hadn't ever mentioned it to her. Then 30 minutes later she sent me an e mail saying "Thanks sooo much :) " and how happy she is with the item. It's not like the item is worth much so it was really nice of her to be so appreciative.

Anyway I didn't really speak to her the rest of the day as it was so busy but there were a couple of times when other girls from my department were in my office and one of them was really flirting big time and I noticed the girl I like walk passed, she must have heard the laughter and seen what was going on so I felt a bit bad as this may be giving her the wrong message.

I get really annoyed with myself as what I really want to do is stop and talk to her but seem to get really self conscious of what others in the office will think which is strange as I don't have any problems stopping to chat with any other girls and couldn't care less what anyone would think. I'm sure that when I have stopped by her desk for a chat in the past that at least one of the other girls in her department was looking over with at us with interest. This shouldn't bother me but I think because I like her so much that I can't relax when chatting with her in front of others, especially as it's nearly always me making the effort to do the talking.

Anyway it's only a week until my birthday night out so hopefully I can get some time to chat with her in a more relaxed atmosphere and without her work colleagues from her department looing on.

[N0help4u]

Which is strange as I don't have any problems stopping to chat with any other girls and couldn't care less what anyone would think.

I was thinking about this too. You are worried about what others will think.
Maybe all they will think is wish I was her if you get with her.
Talk to her. Don't worry about what others think. If she is the right girl for you do you really want to pass her by?

[sloanranger]

which is strange as I don't have any problems stopping to chat with any other girls and couldn't care less what anyone would think.

I was thinking about this too. You are worried about what others will think.
Maybe all they will think is wish I was her if you get with her.
Talk to her. Don't worry about what others think. If she is the right girl for you do you really want to pass her by?

I certainly don't want her to pass me by before we have the chance to get to know each other. I think the other thing that sometimes puts me off chatting to her is the language barrier. She can speak English but sometimes can't find the word she wants and ends up confusing me or I confuse her which kind of affects the flow of conversation. Maybe subconsciously this is the other thing that makes me feel more self conscious about chatting to her in front of her colleagues it's just an axtra pressure that I'm not use to dealing with. This is why e mailing seems to work well without drawing other people's attention to our conversations. Having said that I really don't want to let the occasional awkward moment get in the way of being with her and I don't want to end up communicating by e mail all the time, that wouldmake a great relationship. Just imagine it we are out to dinner sitting opposite each other and texting each other the whole night, LOL. :D
Damn why is it that when I find someone I really like that there is this added complication to make communication difficult?

[sloanranger]

Well it's the week leading up to my birthday do this Friday where I am hoping to get some time to talk to her, flirt and hopefully find out if she is interested. Does anyone have any advice of how best to handle this? I'm hoping the conversation will naturally progress if she does show some interest in me but in case things aren't going in the right direction I want a back up plan as I don't want to miss the opportunity to chat to her in a social environment rather than at work. I guess I'm concerened others might be taking my attention such as the girls that are flirting in the office and I don't want to end up spending all my time with them and not her.

[N0help4u]

Just be yourself and don't come off insecure or needy or too pushy.

[sloanranger]

Just be yourself and don't come off insecure or needy or too pushy.

I'll try and remain calm and confident, but days like today do not help, I wasn't in the office until the afternoon and was really busy when I did get in so didn't send her any e mails or say hello. She also didn't make any effort to contact me which makes me think that it's all in my mind and that she really has no interest in me. I guess I have low self esteem and need to be reassured she likes me especially as I still think she is out of my league.

[talaniman]

Although I have a very dim view of work relationships, I think your whole approach sucks.

Sorry guy, but unless you can put your fears aside, and take a chance, you cannot impress her at all. It doesn't matter what signals she does, or doesn't, give off, its up to you to go find out.

Ask her to coffee, or lunch, because the big parties are not the place for intimate conversation, or exclusive sharing. Only then can you see what her real signals are, and if anything will happen or not. How about showing some friendship, and interest, and have fun getting to know her, instead of looking for a steady, exclusive, relationship.

The last thing you want at your work is seeing someone everyday, you liked, but screwed it up by being impatient, insecure, and needy.

[sloanranger]

Although I have a very dim view of work relationships, I think your whole approach sucks.

Sorry guy, but unless you can put your fears aside, and take a chance, you cannot impress her at all. It doesn't matter what signals she does, or doesn't, give off, its up to you to go find out.

Ask her to coffee, or lunch, because the big parties are not the place for intimate conversation, or exclusive sharing. Only then can you see what her real signals are, and if anything will happen or not. How about showing some friendship, and interest, and have fun getting to know her, instead of looking for a steady, exclusive, relationship.

The last thing you want at your work is seeing someone everyday, you liked, but screwed it up by being impatient, insecure, and needy.

Yeah I actually agree with everything you are saying, but didn't have the guts to take a risk and ask her out. Well that's going to change I'm going to ask her out on Monday.

After all my worries that she doesn't like me I'm really starting to believe she does. A couple of days ago I told her I was going to be out of the office for the rest of the week and that I was looking forward to seeing her on Friday night. She e mailed back asking me if I was sure I was about to leave which seemed a bit odd. Anyway I confirmed and also told her I would only be in next Monday & Tuesday as I would then be out of the office for a couple of weeks. She immediately popped into my office and handed me a birthday card and present which really surprised me, I was really touched.

Anyway last night was a pretty good night a good turn out from work colleagues and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. Yet again she sat at the other end of the table so I didn't get to chat to her. After the meal we all went to the club part of the venue to drink and dance. She came straight over to me to say hello and not long after started dancing right in front of me. The rest of the night she only really seemed interested in dancing with me so I think I am finally starting to believe she likes me. As you rightly said I didn't get much conversation time due to the noise of the venue. Anyway she left slightly before I did as she needed to catch a train to get home so I gave her a hug and thanked her for coming. As she doesn't drink and the rest of us were getting pretty tipsy she did well to last as long as she did and I'm starting to feel really guilty that I have not made my feelings clear to her as she is probably even more confused than I am. I now realise that I need to put my cards on the table and ask her out so we can chat and be on our own and fully relax in a non work environment. If she says no then at least I know where I stand and it may even be my own fault for waiting so long to ask her out.