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siiighs · May 18, 2009, 03:53 PM

OK... so I've been in a relationship with the most wonderful man for about 7 months now. He's leaving on business for 7 months and after that we've signed a lease on an apartment, talking about marriage, kids a long way down the line, etc (it's serious). We're young, I'm 23 and he's 24. Everything is perfect except for one thing.

Things were great at first, but for the past two months he has seriously lost interest in sex. I've tried doing sexy things (put on a nightie) or get things started but he just brushes me off (I like to think I'm a pretty good looking girl, I'm fit and healthy and he says I'm physically exactly what he likes) and I've tried leaving him alone to see if he'll come around--which backfired. Currently over the past two and a half weeks we've had sex 4 times--I don't expect it every day but this just isn't cutting it. I am a very sexually active person. Prior to me, he was very sexually inexperienced. I know he is embarrassed because when we do have sex... well he doesn't last long. But that doesn't bother me and I've told him that many times... its more about the frequency than duration for me!! (and while it lasts it's GREAT).

So I've been reading through the threads to see if I can glean some advice from other people... but I think our situation is different enough from the ones I've seen.

Other things about our relationship:

-His job is very NOT stressful on a daily basis.
-I work, but try to maintain a traditional woman's role (he's a generally very traditional man, I'm not so much but I'm trying) but I cook, clean, give him back rubs... and I love doing these things for him
-I absolutely know he is not cheating
-we've both been in not-so-great long term relationships and know what we want in a partner. Really everything besides sex is completely perfect.

SIGHS! I keep trying to convince myself that this isn't a problem, but the more I try the more I know it is.

Please help!

lchu52 · May 18, 2009, 04:27 PM

I would recommend a physical check up first to eliminate any physical condition that might hinder his sex drive. Then you can start seeking answers in other areas , such as: triggers that could cause him to shut down, undetected fears, & history with the family connections etc etc

bronzebabe · May 18, 2009, 04:29 PM

You may have to resign yourself to the fact that he has a lower sex drive, and he will not be able to last in bed. You might mention he can see a doctor about his sex drive.
Sometimes, men that are like that, stay that way. He sounds like sex is not top priority, and never will be.
I had an ex- husband that liked sex, but it was not good with him. He couldn't last long, and it was infrequent because of that. After years of it, I was no longer into sex with him, because it didn't last long, and was all about him.

verga · May 21, 2009, 03:33 PM

As a guy I am very sexual. Whenever sex is even mentioned I get aroused. I tend to like things spontaneous. Like just pulling over in the middle of nowhere and doing it. Could be in a restaurant , behind a gas station, in the middle of the park, etc. what I'm getting at is have you tried to be spontaneous any given time. Like when he comes home from work just be standing there in the nude and mention 3 words like " me now". Or be cooking diner with just an appron on. What it boils down to is, you want to get his attention. You want him to say "damn girl" in his head. Once this happens he is going to take you upstairs or the kitchen , whatever it may be, and do what he has to do. But if this doesn't work, come out and ask him. Why he doesn't feel sex is important. Can't hurt. After all you are in a relationship and you should be able to talk about things such as this.

siiighs · May 21, 2009, 06:03 PM

Ya he's been gone for several days I want to have "the talk" tomorrow when he gets back. I'm a very sexual person as well... yea I've tried spontaneous things (like I was trying on dresses for a wedding and I walked out into the living room in a teddy... how does this one look... ) It's so frustrating. This is the second relationship I've had where this has happened, I'm starting to wonder if it's me. (and nooooo I don't have any weird fetishes or strange sex things I do that might turn a "normal" man off... )

Catsmine · May 23, 2009, 07:49 AM

How did "the talk" go?

Your original post suggested performance anxiety, of which I suffered for a long time until I met this wonderful teacher that taught me the basics of what I later learned are tantric sexual techniques. In essence, guys learn control by ignoring the climax and continuing as long as possible.

Gemini54 · May 23, 2009, 07:44 PM

I think that it sounds like performance anxiety as well, but I would be very careful about any 'talk'.

By your admission he's not sexually experienced and he won't know how to deal with his feelings of inadequacy - which your efforts to sexually engage with him only serve to reinforce. So it's a vicious circle.

The reality is, that it's the dynamic between you that's creating the situation so you'll have to deal with it together.

There is a great book called 'The Art of Sexual Ecstacy" by M. Anand. Essentially the book takes couples through a series of exercises not related to intercourse but related to touching, feeling and connecting with each other emotionally and spiritually.

I suspect that you may have been focused on intercourse as the destination, this book focuses on sex as a journey and will take the pressure off your BF to 'perform'.