[HoneyTx]

Why is it that I can't gather up the nerve to ask for a divorce. I have been married for 18 years with two daughters 18 & 16. My husband is devoted, faithful and loving but I have fallen out of love years ago. I am not cheating and never have, I just can't get up the nerve to leave him because he will be crushed. I know I am a horrible person but I don't like anything about him anymore. I love him as a person but I am not in love with him at all. I know it's not fair to him- I know its not fair to my girls. But I am sooooooo unhappy and want a new life while I am still a young 42. I am terrified to tell him but I don't think it would be a shock to him because he knows things have been different for years. We live in the same house but different lives. My worst fears are my family and friends will hate me. He is a wonderful husband but I don't love him any longer. Someone please tell me how to tell him? :(

[LearningAsIGo]

There is no doubt that your family/friends may be angry and hurt for a time, but if this is what you truly feel is necessary, the longer you put it off the worse it will get.

The best way to tell him would be in a private moment together. Just tell him you'd like to discuss things and make the setting as comfortable as possible (not just before he's leaving to go to work, bowling with friends, you get my point... )

Just say what you're thinking... and be prepared for any range of reactions. He may be shocked and not respond much at all, he may be angry, sad, or even agreeable.

If he wants to try counseling, etc. it might be worth considering... it's only fair.

Good luck to you--this won't be easy, as you know.

[txwife]

I completely agree. You have to sit down and just tell him. I just did the same thing (I'm 44 with two teen boys) and I looked him straight in the eye and very calmly told him he is a great person, I love him and don't want to hurt him, but I'm not IN LOVE with him. I explained that I just want to RUN away and live my life. Ours is truly boring and uneventful. He did tell me that's the way life gets, so I need to be prepared down the road.

I don't think you are a bad person. Nobody should have to go through life just going through the motions.

Now, with that said, be prepared. If your husband is like mine, he will try to fix everything. Mine has started trying to kiss me, touch me, hug me, and is asking me out on dates. I'm just not able to reciprocate. He's a great person, but I'm no longer attracted to him at all! Just be prepared for him to try, that's all.

Good luck to you!

[cadillac59]

I think everyone here gave great answers.

I don't think you are a bad person. Nobody should have to go through life just going through the motions.

Very true. Life is short and don't throw your life away. If you are not happy, move on and do it now. Don't commit the sin of squandering time.

[talaniman]

You need to tell him, but please let your daughter get out of high school.

[Jake2008]

Let me get this straight.

You've been married 18 years, and you have two healthy children. He's a wonderful husband and father, you describe him as devoted, loving and faithful. You love him as a person, but you aren't 'in love' with him.

You are going to divorce him for what exactly? To be 'in love' again? That is a place, in my opinion and experience, that happens in the beginning of a relationship; because over time the love changes and matures. You don't do it like bunny rabbits anymore, and you don't swoon on his every word, and you are no longer in that magical place.

Just what did you think marriage was going to be after 18 years?

Think very seriously about having love for a partner as good as the one you describe, and throwing it all away because you think that somebody is out there that is better to suit your needs and provide a different kind of love.

He may not ever exist. You may ruin not only your life, but your husbands, and your children's lives, in your pursuit of a new life.

What have you done to improve your marriage. Have you been to a marriage counsellor? Talked to your minister if you have one, planned an evening or outing together, celebrated a weekend away to have some quality time together?

You may not recover the earlier spark that started this long marriage journey, but you may realize that your feelings for him are deeper than you think, and that he's worth a little effort. Just a little, say six months worth.

Try your best, losing him may be the biggest mistake of your life.

[teenboys]

You wrote this post in 2009 and I would love to know what you decided to do and if you are happy with your choice. Your story is EXACTLY like my life. I am twisted with leave and try to build a new life for myself at the risk of my kids, family and friends being upset or stay and keep my mouth shut and don't want for more. My husband is an awesome man but I view him as a friend and nothing else.
I would appreciate seeing your update