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nycityliving · May 17, 2009, 05:50 PM

I hate to be too much of a worrier with stuff like this because it makes me come off as an overly protective boyfriend but...

My girlfriend of 2 years is going to have drinks with a guy this week that gave her a business card at a bar. The guy is friends with some of her close friends and so I'm not terribly worried. However, this is the second time in the past month that she's scheduled drinks with guys I don't know and I'm starting to feel like she's thinking twice about our relationship. When I asked about this, she said she just needs guy friends and doesn't have any at work (which is true) and also that she think's its important for us to meet new people (we spend a lot of time with one another). She used to have a lot of guy friends in college and I have some girl friends through work so I'm just playing it up to that. She's also never cheated on me and I shouldn't have reason to think she's lying.

Does anyone have any thoughts about this though? What's the woman's perspective?

ajGambino · May 17, 2009, 06:24 PM

I would talk to her about it. You need to get deeper then, "She said she just needs guy friends and doesn't have any at work." Something doesn't sound right, you need to talk to her and get down to the bottom of this.

Sounds like a date to me. If she didn't invite you or her other friends, what else can it be?

Just my opinion.

Gemini54 · May 17, 2009, 06:33 PM

Here's the bad news. Girls in committed relationships don't usually go out seeking 'guy' friends. Notice I said the word 'seeking'.

If it's important for her to meet new people, why isn't she making new female friends? And, why is she taking business cards from guys in a bar?

Here's the good news. It may all be innocent and she may be genuinely craving alternative male company. Clearly many women have male friendships outside of their relationships which they enjoy and which don't threaten the relationship.

Here's the advice. If it feels 'funny' trust your intuition. Often people's actions speak louder than words. You've spoken to her and she's aware of your concerns. She's says it's innocent. It may or may not be. Keep your antennae up.

Fr_Chuck · May 17, 2009, 06:37 PM

Yes I would say this is a date, why are you not going with her to meet some of her friends ?

talaniman · May 17, 2009, 06:45 PM

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating...xt-340291.html

Jumping from woman to woman, will drive you crazy.

IWHO · May 17, 2009, 06:46 PM

Sorry nycityliving, but I smell a rat... I am in a relationship and see this person every day... for very long periods, and there is NO WAY I would want to seek another male "friend"... I HAVE a male friend...

Do you ask female friends to meet you somewhere for drinks or whatever?. If you do, ask yourself why... If you don't, ask yourself why not? You may get the answer you are looking for...

Triysle · May 17, 2009, 10:07 PM

In my most recent relationship, my ex had a male friend that she met and shared many interests with. Everything was fine until one day, she said she was going over to watch a TV show. I said cool, and started to get my things and get a jacket on, because I thought it was an invitation for both of us. She then said that he made it clear that he didn't want me there.

So, not wanting to be a possessive boyfriend, I said it was OK, though I was a bit hurt by it (to my knowledge I had been on fair terms with the guy). Then I let her know that I was a bit put off by it, and by her being OK with it, and she basically said not to worry, it was no bg deal.

This happened about 8 months ago. My ex broke up with me just about a month ago. The very next day she was going out on dates with the "friend." I haven't really kept in touch, but she made it clear before I went NC that she wanted things to go further with him.

So, while many women might say "I just want a friend I can talk to" and many probably mean that, realize that it is setting the stage for something more. However, your best course of action is not to stop her, but ask her why she feels like she needs more "male" attention. It very well may be innocent, because not all people or relationships are the same. Just make sure that you are on the same page, and ultimately, make sure you trust her.

Usually your intuition is your best resource. If something doesn't seem right, then it probably isn't. That doesn't mean it's something wrong with her; it could be a mark of your own insecurity. Just realize that if she wants you, she'll be able to tell you that, and she'll be able to tell you why.

~ Tee

Romefalls19 · May 18, 2009, 05:34 AM

This is why establishing boundaries in a relationship help out immensely.

In my relationship, my fiancé and I have established boundaries. This would definitely be a boundary crossing to us.

This is a date, and a second time she's done it. Next time offer to go with her, if she turns you down, then you know it's an intimate affair and not a friendly chat

talaniman · May 18, 2009, 06:24 AM

Never had a g/f who wanted to go drinking with the guys, without me. Never will.

dreamingartist · May 18, 2009, 08:09 AM

my X of 8 years had 3 or 4 different guys she hung out with on drinking , dinner dates. Without me.

it started innocently. Going out with her boss. He was a friend. Blah blah. But after years of hanging with him and other guys I finally gave up. The thing is, I never wanted to go out with other girls and have drinks alone without her. The facts that SHE does want to seek other attention from men shows that she is not content, or satisfied with the current man she has.

She needs excitement, money, fancy restaurants, other guys saying she is beautiful, freedom, the abliity to feel she is making her own decisions, not missing out on life, all of the above, none of the above.. there is something your girl shares in the mix. She wants something else.

I held on as long as I could but the reality is you should dump her ASAP. The longer you wait, the longer you make yourself crazy, the longer you say "am I jealous? is it me? etc" when its HER. She is going out without you, making you lose trust, making you feel like there is another guy, making you doubt yourself and ruining your mojo. Don't let her take your mojo from you. Ditch her and save your dignity.

Romefalls19 · May 18, 2009, 08:15 AM

I'm noticing an increasing trend, whenever we are told "you having nothing to worry about, their just a friend" that's the moment we know it's gone WAY too deep.

liz28 · May 18, 2009, 08:44 AM

NYCityLiving there plenty of other girls out there. This girl is playing you and is serching for something more then a friend.

It is weird that she doesn't know this guy but her do. I could see if she was even going out in group and not solo. I could have even respect her if she would have invite you along.

My and my fiancé have friends of the opposite sex that we were friends with before we got together. Once in a while we all get together and have game night, goes on couple dates, go camping, etc.

This so called girlfriend of your have other intentions and next month she will be giving you the "I don't know how it happen" speech. She might even try to blame on the booze.

Move on and leave her alone. Then she can have all the males friends she wants.

nycityliving · May 20, 2009, 07:21 PM

Thank you so much for all your responses. It really helped.

She and I decided that a "break" was definitely necessary after that and I feel about 10 times better right now for it. I think this "break" will definitely help out our decisions about things and get ourselves (not "us") back on the right track. Whether we have a future after this is another question...

Thanks again.

Triysle · May 20, 2009, 09:26 PM

Originally Posted by nycityliving

Thank you so much for all your responses. It really helped.

She and I decided that a "break" was definitely necessary after that and I feel about 10 times better right now for it. I think this "break" will definitely help out our decisions about things and get ourselves (not "us") back on the right track. Whether or not we have a future after this is another question...

Thanks again.

It's good that you are realizing this, but make sure you stick to it. Don't let things just fall back into the way things were; come back to this site if you need to, we're all here to help each other out!

~ Tee

camiciotto · May 21, 2009, 12:11 AM

I would she like if you did the same?

Suppose you met a girl and decided to take her out... as friends...
Careful, don't make it look like you are doing it to get a reaction.

Just get some girls numbers and chat with them, make them call you whilst with her and talk happily! Like you would wit a mate..

Agree with the others, She is probably dating. So don't stay there my friend and swallow your pride...

Bless