[paxe]

My story is a bit long but I'll try to make it short. I have been dating this girl for 3 years ( which were great ) and she broke off with me because I didn't socialize with her friend, family and didn't want to go to the same place. She also kissed another guy on several occasion ( the same one ) and she has feelings for him. The problem is that he is returning in France so they cannot date.

Now I told her 2 month later, that it is enough and she has to decide between getting back together or never having contact again. By the way, I changed tremendously during these 2 month ( lost weight, socialized more, planned a trip... ) to prove her that the reasons she broke off with me doesn't exist anymore. When I told her that, she said she wanted to give us another try, but the same night she wasn't able to sleep because she was doubting the decision.

The day after she explained that she wasn't 100% sure to go back with me. I told my decision didn't change: me or nothing. After some talking she begins to kiss me and then we had the most amazing sex.

The same night I call her back and she says she is tired, and she is crying all the time, she wants to pass some time alone. Does she want to check if there is something better?
She knows I am leaving for 3 weeks to Europe soon. I really love her, but she is leaving me without answer, and I really want to move on with my life either with her or without. I want to make it work so should I leave her more time? Maybe it is a necessary step in our relation so that there is no problem in the future?

[thoughtiwastheman]

Paxe. I want you to move on. This girl does not deserve you. Let me give you a quick run down of my situation and how it relates to you're a little. I dated this girl for about 8 years. One day, I visited her at her college dorm (this was about a few months before we graduated from college) and we were about to get intimate. You know what happened? She was as dry as sand paper? I immediately knew something was wrong. I stopped and asked her what was up and she said nothing and blamed her mood on the death of her father who had passed away no so long ago. I partially believed her but I was still skeptical of her whole mood because it was so unlike her and so drastic. You know what happened after? We had the usual amazing sex that we usually have. <Thats the difference between men and women. Women are experts in concealing their feelings and other women help them along the way whereas we men are not as good and our fellow brothers do not help us out as well>. The point I am making here is that she had amazing sex with you to distract you from the essence of the choice you had given her. She is STILL IN LOVE WITH HER EX BOYFRIEND. Do I need to say it any clearer? You see, they or perhaps she has unresolved issues with him and regardless of how much you change, she will not notice it(unless you tell her or making it blatantly noticable) nor appreciate your morphosis. Do you really want to me with someone who you will have doubts about or wonder about whenever she is in this other guy's company? Do you want to say to yourself, "she's with me today but I know if that guy walked into the room I would be in trouble?" I mean, how do you personally feel about that? It will not only kill your confidence but it will also show through and in the long-run it will show through your relationship as well. Now, lets rewind a little. You know why I'm not with my ex right now? She had another man on the side who she had already started talking to and that is why she could not get turned on my me initially. Granted, I was not the best boyfriend then because of my lack of experience (jealousy, lack of trust, forcing my way of living upon her) but it still does not take from the fact that she lied and had ulterior motives. My man, cut her loose and move on. The only reason why she hasn't left you is because the ex man has not given her the green light. Do you think she would be all confused if she had a definite answr from this answer guy? Of course not! Listen, one last thing before I go. Women hate to be only. They always want to know that there is someone there for them. Right now you are there for her so she will not leave you but as soon as she gets ahold of this other guy she WILL leave you. You know what this is called? Its called getting monkey barred. Remember the monkey bar from the playground when you were young? Where you didn't let go from one bar until you caught hold of the other bar so you wouldn't fall? Well my friend, she is holding on to you until she gets hold of the ex again. DON'T GET MONKEY BARRED!! I suggest you let her fall and bump her head so she knows how dump she is for letting go of a good guy. Dump her first and you will not be heart broken. I bet the ex was the one that dumped her or ended things and that is why she is still after him in some way. One last thing. You can change for someone, but don't EVER change for someone because you fear what they may do. It is not conducive to a healthy relationship and it will take a toll on the both of you. Trust me coming from someone who tried to change someone against her will. Good luck.

[superk]

I really love her, but she is leaving me without answer, and I really want to move on with my life either with her or without. I want to make it work so should I leave her more time? Maybe it is a necessary step in our relation so that there is no problem in the future?

It's a mistake to have sex with an ex. Move on. Her break up reasons are too shallow, she had enough of you. If she wants to get back to you, she'd done it w/o a second thought. Two months of thinking is enough.

[Gemini54]

Sorry thoughtiwastheman, but that was a really unpleasant answer. Firstly, it is really derogative of women and their motives, spoken from your limited experience. Secondly, it does not take into account what the OP says about himself:

she broke off with me because I didn't socialize with her friend, family and didn't want to go to the same place.

Clearly some of his actions have had a part to play in the scenario with his GF, which he freely admits.

Paxe, I gather that you are the one that wants an answer from your GF and you're the one that initiated the conversation. You figure that you're going overseas, you want to know she'll be there when you come back.

Well, life isn't that easy and sometimes the solution is not as simple as - 'it's me or nothing'. You can't force people to give you answers just because it's convenient for your overseas trip. I suspect she doesn't want to get back with you. The 'rebound' sex was great but it's only because you were both highly emotional. It's people's actions that speak loudest - she's hesitant, I'd take my cue from that.

Go overseas and have a good time. Leave her alone and forget about her. Learn from this experience that you need to be more flexible in relationships.

[I wish]

Maybe it's better that you don't have an answer. Sounds like you should ask her for a break too. Maybe after this trip to Europe you will see things differently too. There's no point to rush her to get an answer.

Take some time apart to reflect on your relationship. This trip to Europe is your perfect opportunity. To see how much you guys will miss each other (assuming that you're not going to contact her while you are in Europe, which you shouldn't to test your feelings for each other).

[liz28]

Her actions are telling you what her answers is. It is good that you changed for the better but the change should be for you whether than for her.

Am I reading right because I could have sworn you say your ex kissed another guy that she untlimately left you for while the two of you was together. And the only reason she isn't with him is due to his moving. Cheating is never the a soluation but communication is.

I think it is time to let go because after all she is your ex. Don't dwell on who she is trying to find or the two of getting back together in the future.

The only thing you can do is learn from this relationship and apply what you learned to your next relationship. There are plenty of girls out them and your going have many relationships before you the find a right match for you.

Leave this girl alone and stop begging someone to be with you. Never beg someone to be with you.

[paxe]

Well, actually one of the other main reason was that she wanted to return to live in France and I didn't want to, but come to think of it I don't care at all living there. Actually we WERE back together for 2 days (2nd day was when we had sex) but after that she said she was too emotional and needed some time alone. I told her that I am leaving soon so she'll call me before I leave.

I don't want to answer actually and I won't and I won't have any contact with her while I am in Europe. I need some closure from her part ( either being that I should go back with her or we are finished ) and I can't bring myself to make the decision for her yet. I did tell her that if she is still not sure I will end all communications and any chances of getting back together. I really like her, she was my first love.

When I told her I didn't want to have any contact she returned to me, it showed how much she cared. But is she doubting because of that other guy or she wants to try and find something else? It may be selfish to say so, but I doubt she will find someone as good as me ( I treated her like a queen probably too much though, and it's because of me she is pursuing her studies and is happy with her life ).

She told me that since she came here, the only time she was happy was the 3 years we were together.

[snow124]

Wow, your situation has a lot of parallels to the one I was in a few months ago. I saw a girl for three years, she broke it off cause I wasn't social, she sees someone else immediately afterward, and she isn't sure if she wanted to be with me again.

Because that uncertainty existed, and the fact that she had feelings for someone else, when we did get back together there was no chance for it to ever be the same again.

The fact that she is still hesitating shows that she is not 100% sure, and won't be. And if you do get her back, you will probably find that it's not quite how you envisioned it to be.

[paxe]

Thank you guys for your answers. I really appreciate it. Well actually we WERE back together for 2 days (we had sex on the second day) but then she said she was too emotional and needed some time alone.

When I asked her is she wanted to return with me, her answer was always "I'm not sure". When I told her I wanted to break all contact ever if she doesn't make a decision she returned to me. It did show that she really care for me.

Breaking up with a person is a selfish reason but not having any contact with my ex is also selfish and it is for my own good. I want to have 1 month of no contact with my ex (I'll be in Europe during that time). I really love her ( she was my first love ) and I don't want to lose her but I also want to continue in life.

I know I can get other girls but I really want to know if it is really finished ( this is why I am giving her 1 month which won't be too hard for me ) and then I'll completely break it off if she doesn't know still or if she doesn't want to come back. I know my social value and I'm trying to date my neighbour. She is busy with school but she left me an open option for when I come back to ask her out. Should I break it off completely now or should I wait until I come back from Europe? Will I see things more clearly?

[paxe]

Wow, your situation has a lot of parallels to the one I was in a few months ago. I saw a girl for three years, she broke it off cause I wasn't social, she sees someone else immediately afterward, and she isn't sure if she wanted to be with me again.

Because that uncertainty existed, and the fact that she had feelings for someone else, when we did get back together there was no chance for it to ever be the same again.

The fact that she is still hesitating shows that she is not 100% sure, and won't be. And if you do get her back, you will probably find that it's not quite how you envisioned it to be.

Did you try to work it out together? I guess if you do come back with your ex it's not going to be the same but should we work on it? Give them another chance and try to forgive? I still believe everybody needs a second chance whatever they did. What is going on now with your ex?

[snow124]

I tried. She continued her dishonesty and indifference.

The fact that she returned to you when you gave her an ultimatum shows that she cares, but the fact that it required an ultimatum shows that she doesn't care enough. Some uncertainty is to be expected in any situation, but it's not fair for her to keep dragging you along.

I really feel for you, as I know how tough a situation like this can be. My suggestion is to break things off with her for good. Realize that the things you did to improve yourself since the two of you were apart are good for your sake and not just to satisfy her (I did the same thing.) Enjoy your trip to Europe without having to worry about her.

[thoughtiwastheman]

Quoting someone else that posted earlier: "Sorry thoughtiwastheman, but that was a really unpleasant answer. Firstly, it is really derogative of women and their motives, spoken from your limited experience. Secondly, it does not take into account what the OP says about himself"


PAXE, take heed. If I was unpleasant in my answer it is only because I do not bullsh!t anyone. My answers are straight forward and to the point because I HAVE THE EXPERIENCE unlike this other person who claims they have more beause they have more posts on yeah. First off I do not just post just to post. I only post when I see a genuine reason to. The quote goes on to say that it is derogative to women and their "motives." What you should ask PAXE is, what are these motives that Gemini54 is talking about? In any case, I feel you are desperate and trying to hold on to a person that is being selfish and is not as interested as you are. Don't take it personal. You should be happy that you have learned something from this relationship.

[0rphan]

Hi paxe,

I think because the guy is returning to France, she knows this is impossible for any relationship, unless she moves to France.

Her second option is you, who she still cannot give a clear commitment to.

I think you should leave her well alone, give her space,which is what she wants.

Go to Europe and see how things feel when you get back.

By that time she should have had all the space she needed, to give you a clear answer... if in fact you still want her...

[Gemini54]

Thank you guys for your answers. I really appreciate it. Well actually we WERE back together for 2 days (we had sex on the second day) but then she said she was too emotional and needed some time alone.

When I asked her is she wanted to return with me, her answer was always "I'm not sure". When I told her I wanted to break all contact ever if she doesn't make a decision she returned to me. It did show that she really care for me.

Breaking up with a person is a selfish reason but not having any contact with my ex is also selfish and it is for my own good. I want to have 1 month of no contact with my ex (I'll be in Europe during that time). I really love her ( she was my first love ) and I don't want to lose her but I also want to continue in life.

I know I can get other girls but I really want to know if it is really finished ( this is why I am giving her 1 month which won't be too hard for me ) and then I'll completely break it off if she doesn't know still or if she doesn't want to come back. I know my social value and I'm trying to date my neighbour. She is busy with school but she left me an open option for when I come back to ask her out. Should I break it off completely now or should I wait until I come back from Europe? Will I see things more clearly?

Go overseas, have a good time. Things will be much clearer when you return.

[talaniman]

Its unrealistic, and selfish to expect someone to sit waiting for you to comeback from your trip.

Its even more selfish, and controlling to give someone an ultimatum, you or the highway.

Love doesn't have to be blackmailed or coerced for such selfish reasons.

Live your life, and let her live hers. That's the fair way to do it. You can't make someone have feelings for you no matter how great the sex is.

[paxe]

Yes but then again, I don't have any closure and she isn't sure about her decision. I understand it may look selfish that I'm telling her me or the highway but I do need to get better and she is only leaving me wondering. The act of breaking up is selfish in itself so I cannot think of her well being.

I am not blackmailing her like that though anymore I am going to wait until I come back to Europe to talk to her and if she is not sure I will end things.

[ZoeMarie]

I think you should focus on the fact that she is your ex and leave it at that. As much as we want closure sometimes, we can't always get it. I would cut all contact and start moving on. You might think it's selfish of her to break up with you, but if she's kissing another guy, she did what was right. What's to say she doesn't start kissing this guy again if you got back together. And also, if your need to lose weight was really one of the reasons she broke up with you, I don't know why you'd want her back. That's shallow on her part.

[paxe]

No, well I understand what you are saying. I am not hurt by the fact that she broke up with me ( well a bit ) or that she kissed another guy. I tried the no contact but every time she calls me back or send me an email saying she wants to talk or she wants to see me and that she still have feeling for me and is thinking about me every day.

She is still unsure about what she wants. Breaking up in general is selfish but in life we HAVE to do selfish things. The reason she broke up with me are complex; I didn't socialise with her friend and family, I didn't want to live with her in France ( I changed my mind ), our relationship was getting boring... The thing is there is a major part of her that wants to go back with me and I also want to go back, but I am sure now that I can live without her. I cannot heal if she contacts me all the time and puts doubt in my mind telling me she has feeling and doubts.

Now the problem is trust. Even if I go back with her, I will have to learn to trust her again and it may take some time, but I am ready to work on this relationship or leave it be. I know it is selfish to force her to make a decision like that, but I need to heal and think about my own life since she has broke out with me.

By the way all you guys, thank you so much for your input, it was wonderful, you are all great!

[talaniman]

I tried the no contact but every time she calls me back or send me an email saying she wants to talk or she wants to see me and that she still have feeling for me and is thinking about me every day.

Lets be clear, this is not No Contact. It doesn't matter what she wants or wants to talk about, you allowed her to do it, instead of ignoring her and not listening to whatever she has to say. Just want you to be clear on that point so you can recognize the part you play in this drama. You had a choice, you blew it, as No contact cannot work if you don't work it. That's why your at the point your at now.

She is still unsure about what she wants. Breaking up in general is selfish but in life we HAVE to do selfish things.

This forum is full of people with false hope who are so confused by a confused partner, because the stayed in contact instead of doing what they knew they had to, stop talking to a confused person, then there is no confusion.

I cannot heal if she contacts me all the time and puts doubt in my mind telling me she has feeling and doubts.

At least you know that. Now do the No Contact the right way and stop making excuses why you can't. The solution to your problem is that simple.

This is where the... "but, but" comes from you..!

[dreamingartist]

Also you said.. I gave her the ultimatum, me or the highway.

In reality, you should give yourself the ultimatum. Stop leaving a binary choice in the hands of someone who is confunsed. You say to yourself. If she does this to me, then I am leaving. Then when she does it, you leave. Its not selfish, its self respect.

If you give her the option then you are leaving it up to her and yes it comes off selfish.

So you had this ultimatum. Next time you make one, do it for you. Keep it to yourself, and then stick with it.

You don't make a ultimatum to not contact her, and then contact her telling her about it? You just do it.