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Notnow · May 16, 2009, 09:15 AM

Why? Why is sex considered to be so important?

I have chosen not to have children because I feel this is not my role nor what I want in my life time.

Female 50s, and have no sexual drive at all. I do not like male intrusion. Sex has been OK in my life. I have just got no interest in it now. Is it weird not to have any particular feeling towards sex? My partner is not happy, but has never forced himself on me. I have let this be the status quo.

Any thoughts on whether sex drive should be augmented diet/chemical?
What about men who do not get it from their partners?

I do not like surrendering my body to a male intrusive. I prefer to be in control and that means no sex! Is that unusual?

nitelight198073 · May 16, 2009, 09:30 AM

Wow where you ever abused sexually or physically... has this been like this all your adult life? I mean it is not the usual thing you hear out of a person... have you ever let you wall down and let someone else control this may be a underlying issue of something else could you give me more details please

Notnow · May 16, 2009, 10:28 AM

Abuse, no, Control issues.. Control is all around. Hard to accept being submissive in a world full of control - jobs, work, decisions... disagreemnet - non accetance of othjer's views.

No sex means for me being free.

nitelight198073 · May 16, 2009, 11:10 AM

OK well if you feel all right with the way you are then ehy are you worried about him make yourself happy... if it makes you free and happy that is the way it should be

Unknown008 · May 16, 2009, 11:56 AM

Hi Notnow! Welcome to AMHD! :)

I suggest you and your partner have a good discussion. If he is not happy, that means he some kind of doesn't agree with you. You both should fall to an agreement. Either he accepts not doing sex with you, or the other way, please him just once, you decide. No chemical/diet is needed.

Clough · May 16, 2009, 03:15 PM

Greetings and WELCOME to the site, Notnow!

I just moved your question that you had posted in Introductions to this forum topic area so that it will get the most exposure to those who are best able to answer it. Introductions is for people to introduce themselves and we try to not ask questions there.

It can be a little confusing when first learning how to use this site! Your question will get noticed much more in this forum topic area.

I do note that you did receive some responses while your question was in Introductions.

We would appreciate it if you would return to Introductions sometime to tell us a little about yourself though, if you would be willing to do that.

Thanks!

liz28 · May 16, 2009, 04:12 PM

Originally Posted by Notnow

abuse, no, . Control issues.... ? Control is all around. Hard to accept being submissive in a world full of control - jobs, work, decisions... disagreemnet - non accetance of othjer's views.

No sex means for me being free.

What??

Catsmine · May 16, 2009, 04:27 PM

Sex does not have to involve control. With us it is a mutual giving. At 50 your libido can be decreased due to hormonal changes, but the "submisssion" issue is either cultural or defensive from your formative years.

As far as your "partner" goes, his choices are fairly simple: abstinence/masturbation, paying for it, or cheating. How much do you "control" him?

Homegirl 50 · May 16, 2009, 04:43 PM

If you have no problem with lack of sex, I don't see the problem. If your boyfriend has a problem with it then you have to decide how important he is to you.
Not everyone cares for sex. If it doesn't bother you, don't worry about what anybody else thinks.
Have you always felt this way?

Gemini54 · May 16, 2009, 08:45 PM

I don't think that it's a problem not to care about sex. If it's mutual in the relationship that's fine. But. And it's a big but. If the other person feels differently, that's when problems start.

I can, at one level, understand that you see sex as a 'male intrusion' or a loss of control. Sex for women does involve being receptive, open and letting go. But, and it's a big but. Sex is not just a physical act. Sex is also about love, connection, communion. Sex also takes you to a higher and a deeper level of relating. Sex also involves merging the mind, body and spirit. So, yes, sex is important in a relationship for all those reasons.

As a woman in your 50's who is childless, you may find that menopause has affected your libido. This is not uncommon, and if you're concerned, oestrogen can sometimes help.

However, if both you and your partner are happy not to have sex then this may be unnecessary. If your partner wants it and doesn't get it, then you may need to make some difficult choices.

Xrayman · May 17, 2009, 08:36 PM

Originally Posted by ;

I do not like male intrusion

Sorry but your choice of words points to issues that are unrelated to sex, but create issues with sex.

I'll bet your partner is not happy. I would suggest that the odds of you finding another person/partner with EXACTLY the same opinion as yours would be inordinately high against you.

I get the feeling (once again MY feeling and my OPINION) that you may have been denying yourself sexual feelings/identity in a kind of "I'm in control of what I want", "No person is gonna hold me down" "I am the mistress of MY life and Domain" etc. etc.

I do not like surrendering my body to a male intrusive. I prefer to be in control and that means no sex!

While you are denying yourelf sensual and nice sexual feeling you are also doing this to the possible detriment of your partners feelings and sexuality. Are you in any way feeling that he has to "pay" for something, i.e. you are treating him bad for some incursion/misdemeanor? I am sensing that you are kind of torturing yourself as well as him.

Now I'm not saying that your feelings are wrong-not at all, you may be asexual, but how do you feel if your partner masturbates/with you in front of you/without you?

It would be interesting to see how you feel about this as this may shed light on what is really going on between the two of you.

Cheers

simoneaugie · May 17, 2009, 10:49 PM

If a man has sex with a woman, he "takes" her. That is what we are taught.

The irony is that a man is taken into a woman, he does not take anything, he is given, invited into warm, soft, wet. When a man has an orgasm he ejaculates an enormous amount of energy along with his semen. He gives, she takes.

If a lack of control is what is making sex undesirable, take control. Get on top. Make yourself feel good. Take his energy. Use it to be a better partner to both him and to yourself.

smoothy · May 18, 2009, 06:09 AM

Not wanting kids... and not wanting sex are two separate issues.

Unless you find a man with no sex drive there will be friction on the issue.

Its hard to quantify in words... but when you are well past the lust stage... if you love someone, its something that you normally want to do because of the bonding that takes place which is far different than talking across the breakfast table.

Have you ever spoken with a professional about your feelings about sex? Or as you mention lack of drive.

JoeCanada76 · May 18, 2009, 06:21 AM

There are deeper issues here for sure.

I do not think you truly love your partner, you would both be sensitive to each others needs. Not just your own.

You are speaking as if you have this hatred towards men, that leads to people believing that you were abused in some way.

I think that if you feel this way and your partner is not happy. Maybe you should let him go.

Joe

Synnen · May 18, 2009, 06:41 AM

I suggest that you see a counselor.

Your attitude toward sex is NOT normal, and is indicative of some sexual trauma in your past.

Justwantfair · May 18, 2009, 06:58 AM

Originally Posted by Notnow

Easy! sex is as important as it is perceived to be important. But perceived by whom?

Why IS IT considered to be important? Is it a commodity? Is it just another physical bodily function for relief? Wank wank? Is it 2 people sharing relief, not necessarily more than that moment?

Is it LOVE????? I'd like to hear views of women who have to put up with fat git husbands poking them in the back, just becuase the male has had a sex dream....
Does that give them the right to request/demand sex?

Now, talk about giving... where is the giving in this?

This comment was made in another revived thread by the OP.

You show a great deal of emotional issues with sex that desperately require counseling.

The thought that sex is dirty or domineering to the female is a thought that suggests some abuse hidden in your past.

While these may be your feelings about sex, they are very a typical and should not be preached to others, as sex is about love and sharing and even sometimes physical release, but not the intusion that you are describing.

hardwaresoftie · May 18, 2009, 08:29 AM

Gemini54's Quote "Sex is not just a physical act. Sex is also about love, connection, communion. Sex also takes you to a higher and a deeper level of relating. Sex also involves merging the mind, body and spirit."
So, yes, sex is important Especially if you love your man, BUT from your words and or lack of words I feel you do not care about what he wants and needs... R U in the R'Ship with him for convenience or simply don't need him anymore and it is why you chose to not allow him your love?

I get the feeling this post is a joke and very unusual as I don't believe anyone can be so uninformed about life, lol I to fell for this stupid question.

Catsmine · May 18, 2009, 10:59 AM

Notnow, after seeing your other post (thanks, justy), I'm afraid it is too late for you. If you are in your early fifties (as am I), then I truly hope the Edwardian attitude of "grit your teeth and think of England" dies with our generation.

It is possible for you to find a fulfilling asexual relationship, but the odds against you are astronomical. I hope you can find fulfillment in some other aspect of your life. Good luck.

I truly feel sorry for you.

picklesyac09 · Jun 12, 2009, 01:16 PM

Originally Posted by Notnow

Why? Why is sex considered to be so important?

I have chosen not to have children because I feel this is not my role nor what I want in my life time.

Female 50s, and have no sexual drive at all. I do not like male intrusion. Sex has been OK in my life. I have just got no interest in it now. Is it weird not to have any particular feeling towards sex? My partner is not happy, but has never forced himself on me. I have let this be the status quo.

Any thoughts on whether sex drive should be augmented diet/chemical?
What about men who do not get it from their partners?

I do not like surrendering my body to a male intrusive. I prefer to be in control and that means no sex! Is that unusual?

:confused: I Wanted to ask you something about sex. We were put on this earth so one to help it pop. And grow and having sex is not important but what about the man it gives them a better chance o cheat on you sex is something two people do for fun make love it's a small part of life

jmjoseph · Jun 12, 2009, 02:17 PM

Your choice is your choice. You seem very definite about this. You say your partner is not happy, if it's because he wants sex, I can see why. If he DOES, and you DON'T, then maybe you two should part ways. Sex is not just a release, it's also a unification of body,mind, and soul with the one you love. I can go without sex... for about a week, that's it. I don't dominate and control, I respect and share. No it's not unusual, but it should at least be mutual. Both of you should be happy to be in a healthy relationship. GOD bless.