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funkedup · May 15, 2009, 09:33 AM

My 16 year old son absolutely despises me and I do not know why.

We were very close and he was a happy child. Then at age 7 he no longer wanted me to hug him. We were still close, but he would not let me hug him. And it is still like that to this day.

When he was 7 he was having problems so I took him to counseling. At the time I cooked his breakfast every day. The counselor told me that my son had depression and anxiety and that if I would just cook him breakfast in the morning that would help.

Then at age 15 we took him to a counselor because he was on a bad path. He told the counselor that he hated both my husband and I. But 90% of his hate is directed toward me. The counselor looked at me like I was a monster.

He is now 16, has dropped out of school, curses aggressively at us if we try to stop him from doing destructive things, is sexually permiscous, smokes pot in our house blatantly and comes and goes as he pleases. So, we sent him to a therapeutic program for help. He told the therapist that he has no memory of me from age 2 to 4, and that he thinks that he may have never bonded with me. That is totally false. He was so close to me at that age. We did everything together and he was very happy.

And the counselor keeps telling me that my son is very angry with me and hates me deeply. I feel like the counselor is telling me that I am the #1 problem in my son's life. I am not a perfect mom, but I do not understand why my son despises me so. What is really weird is that my son often tells me that my husband, his dad, is emotionally distant and that he doesn't feel like he has a relationship with him. And, that he feels only close to me. But then he also hates me with every ounce of his being, and says not one word about his dad to counselors.

Why would a son hate his mother with such zeast if he never abused him?

funkedup · May 15, 2009, 09:34 AM

My 16 year old son absolutely despises me and I do not know why.

We were very close and he was a happy child. Then at age 7 he no longer wanted me to hug him. We were still close, but he would not let me hug him. And it is still like that to this day.

When he was 7 he was having problems so I took him to counseling. At the time I cooked his breakfast every day. The counselor told me that my son had depression and anxiety and that if I would just cook him breakfast in the morning that would help.

Then at age 15 we took him to a counselor because he was on a bad path. He told the counselor that he hated both my husband and I. But 90% of his hate is directed toward me. The counselor looked at me like I was a monster.

He is now 16, has dropped out of school, curses aggressively at us if we try to stop him from doing destructive things, is sexually permiscous, smokes pot in our house blatantly and comes and goes as he pleases. So, we sent him to a therapeutic program for help. He told the therapist that he has no memory of me from age 2 to 4, and that he thinks that he may have never bonded with me. That is totally false. He was so close to me at that age. We did everything together and he was very happy.

And the counselor keeps telling me that my son is very angry with me and hates me deeply. I feel like the counselor is telling me that I am the #1 problem in my son's life. I am not a perfect mom, but I do not understand why my son despises me so. What is really weird is that my son often tells me that my husband, his dad, is emotionally distant and that he doesn't feel like he has a relationship with him. And, that he feels only close to me. But then he also hates me with every ounce of his being, and says not one word about his dad to counselors.

Why would a son hate his mother with such zeast if she never abused him?

Alty · May 15, 2009, 09:39 AM

There's one major thing that stuck out in your post.

He is now 16, has dropped out of school, curses aggressively at us if we try to stop him from doing destructive things, is sexually permiscous, smokes pot in our house blatantly and comes and goes as he pleases

Stop "trying" to stop him, just stop him!

It's your house, why aren't you enforcing any rules?

No matter how much a child rebels against rules they still need them, they want them. The fact that he smokes pot in your house, comes and goes as he pleases, it sounds like he's begging you to put your foot down, be a parent.

I'm not a counsellor, but I am a parent. Kids need rules. Yes, it's sometimes easier to just look away, let them do what they want, but the easy thing isn't the right thing.

It's time to be a parent.

ZoeMarie · May 15, 2009, 09:40 AM

Have you tried going to a family counselor? It seems to me that there's a lot of the story missing and I wouldn't have any idea why your son feels that way. Something happened that maybe you don't even know about.

funkedup · May 15, 2009, 09:42 AM

The answer to stop 'trying' to stop him and parent is not helpful. You can not stop a child who refuses to listen. We would literally have to beat him down and physically restrain him to stop him - that is child abuse.

Yes, we have tried extensive counseling. He will not talk to anyone.

funkedup · May 15, 2009, 09:43 AM

Oh, and we do suspect that he was traumatized. But, he will not talk about it and grows extremely aggressive if we ask too many questions

Alty · May 15, 2009, 09:44 AM

One word "boot camp". If he doesn't want to follow your rules then he can't live in your house.

You don't have to beat him and I never suggested that you do, that is child abuse and not acceptable. But by turning a blind eye you're encouraging his behavior.

It's either your way or the highway, until you make him see that no amount of counselling is going to help.

He needs boundaries.

funkedup · May 15, 2009, 09:50 AM

He is is a program right now. He ran away from it. They took two days to find him.

liz28 · May 15, 2009, 03:11 PM

Contact your child protective service because they have programs for teens and help parents like you. Out of control teens grow up to be out of control adults. And out of control adults end up in jail.

Here in NY we have scare straight programs and PINS. There is also a program where out of teens get mentor by ex cons, it is similar to big brother and big sister program. Since counseling isn't working for him maybe you should look into something like this in your area.

I don't know why but I am getting the feeling that the problems with your son are from the dad but he is directing his anger towards you. You stated you and your son used to have a good relationship but what about him and the dad? How was the household environment for him when he was younger?

skater8avril · May 15, 2009, 09:17 PM

well really I am 16 to and I hate my mom and I know why he despises you it's ether you...
don't give him his space
smuggle him
don't care enough
as a child you would say no if he wanted to buy something
he does love you but thinks he is to old for his mom
dos not feel that he could be open about his problems to you because you flip out when he tells you some thing about his life so next time take it in and find a solution don't punish him or he will think that he can never tell you something again
or it could think he is to cool 4 u or
its puberty problems its normal I know

macman11393 · May 16, 2009, 08:48 PM

I'm a teen and Im doing this from a teen perspective so bare with me, when I was younger I remember not liking my mom but just because of my hormones and chemical changes in my body and I realize it now so that's one reason when younger he disliked you and also he could just be using you as a scape goat, I treated my mom with disrespect sometimes just because I was getting into fights at my school during 8th grade and I thought my life was going down hill so I just took it out on my mother and father and I think that's the main thing here also. Another thing to point out little things that you do everyday can push buttons you wouldn't know I notice it even now ill this day that it happens to me, but over all its ether using you as a scape goat and taking his anger out on you because there's no where else to or his hormones and chemicals are out of order

lojo 54321 · May 20, 2009, 01:43 PM

Try to give him all the love and affection you can and do more stuff with him so maybe you can bond

If it's too bad then I'm afraid I can't help

Justwantfair · May 20, 2009, 01:46 PM

Have you attended counseling together?

HrvSavag3r · May 23, 2009, 06:19 AM

I was like that when I was about 13 I didn't want my mum around I thought if she left all my problems would vanish, so mum left for a holiday and that's when my problems really started, I found out my father is an alcoholic, an abuser to any one who says no to him and just a very very angry person, and after that me and mum haven't been closer. When I told her I smoked I thought she would hit me, all she said is I'm happy you told me but please don't do it in front of me, I'm sure he doesn't hate you there is no way he could hate you after you supported everything he has done. So don't let it get to you, I'm sure you and your husband are great parents and maybe if you sent your son to live with a different reletive for a week or two just to make him see how good he has it at home.
I'm only 16 but hopefully that has helped in one way or another. All the best :)

biversen · Jun 4, 2009, 08:29 PM

As a teen, I know how it feels to not always feel on the same pg with my parents. Show him that you really do want to understand. And give as much compassion as you can. The Best of Luck.

tai18 · Jun 4, 2009, 10:36 PM

there is at least some truest he came to you saying he does not feel close to his father. Maybe the anger comes from you not even trying to help the situation of getting them to be closer. Get your husband to sit down with him and ask him what's REALLY wrong what is he angry about a man to man talk I think he will open up to him then probably you. Try paying more attention to him buying him things to make him feel happy.see if that works=)

I wish · Jun 5, 2009, 05:01 AM

Do you know the Reasons he hates you?

Because it sounds like you haven't tried to work out your son's issues with you.

MoodsterMan · Jun 5, 2009, 08:23 AM

Originally Posted by I wish

Do you know the REASONS WHY he hates you?

Because it sounds like you haven't tried to work out your son's issues with you.

^This AND.. it could be a lot of reasons, I would encourage you to get the boy sent to boot camp or to make him pick his socks up or kick him out. I know as a loving parent that you don't want to desert your own kid. But sometimes it needs to be done.

How are you talking to him? Are you always nagging, being annoying and asking things of him? If so.. you might want to change up the patterns of your relationship.

At 16 boys and girls tend to go through a phase in which they "know it all" and their parents are just money and security. Eventually when they grow out of that phase they will finally realize what's up and you will have a much more nurturing relationship.

Either way, right now. His behavior is unacceptable and should not be tolerated, however I can see your side of the story but what would his side of the story be?