[Romefalls19]

My fiancé and I have been going back and forth with the idea of drawing up a new custody agreement for her girls and their father. He is a chronic heroin user, who is currently enrolled at a rehab center in NY this is his 3rd rehab in around 14 months. He went to one for a month, dropped out, then went to another and got out in December, stayed clean for 3 months then back onto the drugs. This one is supposed to be very strict and in it for a year.

We are thinking of getting a lawyer for her to get sole custody of the girls, we don't think he would even show up to challenge it. I have a few questions about this though.

1. If he doesn't show up, what will happen?
2. If he does show up, is there still a good chance of getting sole custody?

He has yet to pay any type of child support or provide for the girls at all, I know that might not have much bearing but should we alert the judge to that as all.

I am really looking forward to reading Judy's and Scott's responses because I really value your advice. If anyone could help us out, it would be greatly appreciated

[Justwantfair]

Well even though I am not valued, I have been on the joint/sole custody road for a very long time and $30,000 later, I will be giving my advice, like it or not... ;)

Seriously, if he doesn't show up they can enter a default judgement against him as long as you document that he was served a modification of custody.

If he does show up and chooses to fight, you stand a good chance considering his addiction problems, but it could also be a costly battle, should he/his family choose to get an attorney on his behalf.

Do they currently have a joint order, if not what does she currently have? Does he show up for his visitation?

When was the last custody order decided?

[Romefalls19]

I just never saw you on here Justy;) your opinion is always valued

They have custody agreement now with her having primary residence(they live with her) He was showing up for his visitation for the 3 months he was out, the last weekend before he stopped seeing them his mother had to go and get the girls from him because he was "too high"

We just feel the constant in and out of the girl's lives are really tearing them up. Every time he goes away we have to come up with a cover story on why they can't see him. Then his parents get involved telling the girls we aren't letting daddy see them, although with him telling them the same stuff.

The order was in 2006 I believe, in California

[Justwantfair]

Technically she has sole custody then... primary legal (I am assuming, she gets to make all legal decisions for the children) and residence, so what you would really want to do is ask for supervised visits?

To my knowledge he will always be allowed visitation, whether he uses or neglects it.

Is the goal to have him sign over rights for you to adopt after you are married? I believe you have to be married for one year. Would he be willing?

[Romefalls19]

He wouldn't do it, simply to hurt her. It may be a joint custody agreement then, she makes the decisions involving school and such and lives together but I know she has told me that she doesn't have sole custody. This is all new to me ha ha.

I'd like to have him sign over the rights, and I'd adopt as soon as I could but he wouldn't, not because of the girls, but to hurt my fiancé. He can't accept that it's over and has even called her phone, with me answering, cursing at me

[Justwantfair]

Find out what she doesn't have that she would want.

If she has physical and legal custody that is equivalent to sole custody, they just don't use the term anymore... to my knowledge.

[Romefalls19]

She wants to have sole custody and supervised visits, not of a parent(his mom offered) a licensed supervision to be there when he sees them. He clouds the girls minds with stuff like "daddy is going to get mommy back and we're going to be a family again", "mommy won't let daddy see you", "you don't have to listen to what rome tells you to do", it's quite bad because then we deal with the fall out of things

[Justwantfair]

I completely understand.

I don't really know what is involved in getting supervised visits, so someone will come around for that.

I know what it's like here and that would be a costly thing here.

Her ex, refers to you as 'Rome'... :D

[Romefalls19]

We want to do it while he is in his "rehab" to better the chances of him not showing up as it would prove to be cost effective I think.

People may not agree with that reason, but with buying a house and wedding planning and taking care of 2 girls, it's pricey.

[cdad]

We want to do it while he is in his "rehab" to better the chances of him not showing up as it would prove to be cost effective I think.

People may not agree with that reason, but with buying a house and wedding planning and taking care of 2 girls, it's pricey.

Why don't you just tell your GF to ask for a parental evaluation and that way all of you can get checked out and go with the recommendations that they make rather then continuing the craziness. You seem bent on self destruction. If the man is in rehab and your trying to use that for an excuse to stack the deck in court then your plan could backfire to the enth degree. Just do it right and get it over with for the children's sake.

[Romefalls19]

Why dont you just tell your GF to ask for a parental evaluation and that way all of you can get checked out and go with the recomendations that they make rather then continuing the craziness. You seem bent on self destruction. If the man is in rehab and your trying to use that for an excuse to stack the deck in court then your plan could backfire to the enth degree. Just do it right and get it over with for the childrens sake.

Going to court is doing the right thing, and please explain how it is "self destruction." Also, this is his 3rd rehab in 13 months, so he has no drive to get better, so supervised visits is the best thing. Getting high while he has the girls, are you serious! We are doing it for the girls, having a drug addicted father, who doesn't pay child support, would rather get high and leave them alone in a house(they're 4 and 5) for a few hours to go "blaze". Forget supervised visits, let's give this guy "father of the year" award. She went to the counselor already, and they suggested supervised visits by a licensed counselor(this was 12 months ago) and she didn't have the money since the people she was living with wouldn't let her get a job.

Update to Justy,

We spoke with a lawyer who said this case should be easy, given his prior arrests for possession and rehab record. Whether he shows up or not, he can prove on that alone that he is an unfit and unstable father.

[JudyKayTee]

We want to do it while he is in his "rehab" to better the chances of him not showing up as it would prove to be cost effective I think.

People may not agree with that reason, but with buying a house and wedding planning and taking care of 2 girls, it's pricey.

I don't think you've thought this part over - if you are able to get such an Order and the father did not appear because he COULD not appear it's going to be overturned in a heartbeat. If the Court realizes that this is what you are thinking it's not going to look good for you and your fiancé.

You first have to look at whatever agreement/Order is in place now. Then decide how you want it changed. If the question is the fitness of the father, the ability to care for the children and not put them in harm's way, then I would file for custody with supervised visitation. Unfortunately, you cannot dictate who that "supervisor" will be. I've seen it ordered with Court personnel present, social workers, clergy - or family members.

As far as what the father says to the children, as difficult as the situation is, that's a very difficult thing to control. I realize you are in an upsetting spot but you should be very careful not to confuse the father's support of his children with his being a danger to them. ("We are doing it for the girls, having a drug addicted father, who doesn't pay child support ...") This shouldn't be and it shouldn't look like it's about the money.

Your fiancé (I say you above although I realize you have no legal standing here) should request that all parties be evaluated and that a legal guardian be appointed to represent the children's interest in this matter.

If it is dangerous for the children to be around the father I think you skip the house and wedding right now and make sure they are protected - but I'm sure you already know that.

[cdad]

Going to court is doing the right thing, and please explain how it is "self destruction." Also, this is his 3rd rehab in 13 months, so he has no drive to get better, so supervised visits is the best thing. Getting high while he has the girls, are you serious! We are doing it for the girls, having a drug addicted father, who doesn't pay child support, would rather get high and leave them alone in a house(they're 4 and 5) for a few hours to go "blaze". Forget supervised visits, let's give this guy "father of the year" award. She went to the counselor already, and they suggested supervised visits by a licensed counselor(this was 12 months ago) and she didn't have the money since the people she was living with wouldn't let her get a job.

Update to Justy,

We spoke with a lawyer who said this case should be easy, given his prior arrests for possession and rehab record. Whether he shows up or not, he can prove on that alone that he is an unfit and unstable father.

As far as selfdestruction goes here it is for you.
If you try to decieve the courts.. or try playing games it can come back on you and blow up in your face. By your won admission your trying to do this the " easy " way. That easy way could cost you more then you realize.

Having said that it seems your real concern is the cost that may be inccured by you and not the welfare of the children. Again a very selfish and self destructive thing. Try following the others advice... look into a parental evaluation. Get yourself and the other parties checked out. Take the recommendations and run with them. Put the children first and remove the drama you adults are creating for them.