[singleman]

Hello board members,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year and recently she broke up with me. Her ex had recently came back into the picture which I can't understand why because she had admitted to me that she cheated on him before. Now she is deciding that she wants to move. In a weeks time of finally getting to see her, she admitted she was thinking about moving, and its to the location her EX is getting a new position at. She decided this all under one week to just back up and move leaving me and family behind for this guy. What I don't understand is what she is thinking. Is it because I don't make as much money, or she envys him? I couldn't care less about this guy as I am taking care of myself. I have been staying distant from her as much as possible but she never answers any calls when I call. The real problem is a lot of stuff of hers is still at my place and she won't take the time to get any of it? Am I getting mixed signals that she isn't sure if she wants to move and made a mistake by leaving her stuff there keeps the window open? Its been a few weeks now since then, but I really want to get back with her but I guess I can't change how she feels about me? My question is What do I do?

[N0help4u]

It could be she just can't get her stuff for what ever reason(s) at this time so don't read anything into anything.
You can wish her back all you want but as long as she has him on her mind you are wasting your time.
She most likely is keeping her distance because she doesn't want to confuse herself since she hasn't been away that long.
She is her own person and you can not make her have feelings contrary to what they are.
Leave her alone and deal with her not being there.

[singleman]

It could be she just can't get her stuff for what ever reason(s) at this time so don't read anything into anything.
You can wish her back all you want but as long as she has him on her mind you are wasting your time.
She most likely is keeping her distance because she doesn't want to confuse herself since she hasn't been away that long.
She is her own person and you can not make her have feelings contrary to what they are.
Leave her alone and deal with her not being there.

Well thank you for the very fast reply. (amazingly, my friends, other girls, and even counsling have said something similar along the lines, and you are stranger NO OFFENSE) Thank you for that . What makes it tough is I met her at a local work out place and I frequent that at a certain time, usually when she is there. Since this has happened, I stopped going there att the time she was there. I don't know if that is weird because it is showing I'm distanting myself from her and avoiding her, but Honestly, in all reality, I want her back more than ever so I don't know what to do> I am trying to be cool and avoiding contact, but I don't know how long to wait. We never shared how we felt or anything. LITERALLY, the break up was face to face, her saying she wanted to move, and be A ROOM MATE (SO TO SPEAK) with her ex. Nothing more was said, I said, our relationship can't contiune if you move with your ex. But she insists she never cheated and they are moving as roomates which is BS because he doesn't need one because of how much money he has.

[trulytrying]

You sound like a thoughtful caring person--and not one that deserves to be so carelessly treated. She can't just use your place as a storage facility--there are places for that! Having her stuff around isn't helpful to your healing. Being (ahem) "room mates" with an EX is totally disrespectful to you and it does send mixed messages. She can't have it both ways. You might consider giving her a deadline to get her things. If she doesn't respond--stick her stuff in storage or put it curbside. If you make a strong self respecting gesture--Like giving her a deadline to remove her things--or going to the gym when you darn well please--she may in turn respond with respect! And if not--YOU have been respectful to yourself! I don't see a need to continue trying to accommodate her--she isn't doing that for you. Keep your chin up! : )

[singleman]

You sound like a thoughtful caring person--and not one that deserves to be so carelessly treated. She can't just use your place as a storage facility--there are places for that! Having her stuff around isn't helpful to your healing. Being (ahem) "room mates" with an EX is totally disrespectful to you and it does send mixed messages. She can't have it both ways. You might consider giving her a deadline to get her things. If she doesn't respond--stick her stuff in storage or put it curbside. If you make a strong self respecting gesture--Like giving her a deadline to remove her things--or going to the gym when you darn well please--she may in turn respond with respect! And if not--YOU have been respectful to yourself! I don't see a need to continue trying to accommodate her--she isn't doing that for you. Keep your chin up! : )

Thank yous so much for helping me. I have gotten so many people invovlved in this situation, and its funny the (no offense) strangers all have said the same things. I think what is tough that no one in OUR BREAK UP said ITS OVER OR GOOD BYE OR WHATEVER A TRADITIONAL BREAK DOES> SHe is sending many mixed messages, especially when she says she is going to come over to get it, never does, and then never answers phone calls/ SERIOUSLY What's THAT ABOUT?. second thoughts?

[trulytrying]

I'm sure you've heard the saying "Actions speak louder than words"... Do her actions say devotion? Love? Respect? Consideration? Admiration? Or even friendship?
Not at all. Take your power back! It's not just HER decision--it's YOURS too! Please don't tolerate being taken for granted.
The choice is yours. If you close this door--you allow opportunity for another one to open. You could have a devoted, loving partner come into your life--but not as long as you are hung up on this woman who's actions are less than honorable.
Forget what you feel--and think what you deserve!
I'm rooting for you! : )

[singleman]

I'm sure you've heard the saying "Actions speak louder than words"...Do her actions say devotion? Love? Respect? Consideration? Admiration? Or even friendship?!
Not at all. Take your power back! It's not just HER decision--it's YOURS too! Please don't tolerate being taken for granted.
The choice is yours. If you close this door--you allow opportunity for another one to open. You could have a devoted, loving partner come into your life--but not as long as you are hung up on this woman who's actions are less than honorable.
Forget what you feel--and think what you deserve!
I'm rooting for you! : )

Thank you for the inspiration, its really tough still seeing her stuff here. That makes it tough, but I became the DOORMAT for her by letting her do what ever she wanted and she is very selfish about EVERYTHING Tthat her SELF comes first! I loved her with all my heart only to get it broken, but your first part really hit the nail on the head with the whole situation. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS... I guess I Just don't know what to really tell her next time I see her, because we never FORAMLLY SAID ITS OVER BLAH BLAH BLAH, she just made the decision to leave > It hurts because I didn't even get a chance to find out what was wrong, what I did, or what to work on. WHat eeks me is I read lots of books on relationships and people in way worse off relationships work things out and I wasn't even given a chance...

[trulytrying]

She really has just "left you hanging" hasn't she? I know that hurts and it leaves a lot of unanswered questions--But that in itself speaks to her lack of character and not yours--you are the one who wants clarity and communication. So who is the more mature and caring one here? It seems you are. Instead of thinking that you "weren't even given a chance"--how about thinking of it as--you gave HER and chance--and SHE blew it! Being nice doesn't mean being a doormat! If you hold people accountable for their behavior you give them an opportunity to grow... So in the big picture it is a loving gesture to NOT accept maltreatment! Standing up for yourself is also an attractive quality--if a gal knows she has to mind her manners to be with you--she just might step up and mind her manners! Then--you have helped her become more of a lady! Everyone benefits.
And what to say to her? "I'm giving you until the first of the month to get your things from my house or I'll consider it abandoned and will dispose of it as I see fit."
Be strong! Be good to yourself! : )

[singleman]

She really has just "left you hanging" hasn't she? I know that hurts and it leaves a lot of unanswered questions--But that in itself speaks to her lack of character and not yours--you are the one who wants clarity and communication. So who is the more mature and caring one here? It seems you are. Instead of thinking that you "weren't even given a chance"--how about thinking of it as--you gave HER and chance--and SHE blew it!! Being nice doesn't mean being a doormat! If you hold people accountable for their behavior you give them an opportunity to grow...So in the big picture it is a loving gesture to NOT accept maltreatment! Standing up for yourself is also an attractive quality--if a gal knows she has to mind her manners to be with you--she just might step up and mind her manners! Then--you have helped her become more of a lady! Everyone benefits.
And what to say to her? "I'm giving you until the first of the month to get your things from my house or I'll consider it abandoned and will dispose of it as I see fit."
Be strong! Be good to yourself! : )

I guess what is hard about all of it, I truelly was in LOVE with this girl but I don't think I ever GOT ANYTHING BACK FROM HER UNLESS IT WAS OK WITH HER> What I mean about that is, emotional abuse. Lets get past the whole "women get what they want" stereotyping thing, but this girl had it her way or that was it... Looking back at all the time, effort and money that I invested in her, I never got it in return. In all logic , she really didn't think through by just moving with her EX. I mean, we were together a year, a long time commitment, but that ended in a breathe. I guess I never really stood up to her, but I don't know if it is going to do any good by saying what I have to say. I have lots of things to say, but all the WEB ADVICE SITES as well as real people say just let it go, but seriously, is there really anything I can say or do that will change her mind whether I just let her go or blow up at her. DOES ANY OF THAT REALLY MATTER?

[trulytrying]

The only mind you have the power to change is your own.

By what you've shared about her--I think you could talk to her until you were blue in the face... and nothing would change. I believe someday she will learn (probably in the school of hard knocks) that she needs to change and overcome her self centeredness. But, who knows when that time will come? Life is too short for you to wait around for her to grow up! It sounds like you have been very good to her--and I believe someday--she will be humbled by that fact that you were so kind and tolerant... and maybe even ashamed for being so careless toward someone who was so good to her.
But for now--Please don't expect anything different from her than she has already shown--I think you'll be setting yourself up for disappointment from the looks of things.
You asked "Does any of that really matter?" Yes--you will have to live with your response to her--be it mature and controlled or an embarrassing flip out session! How nice to know you have kept "your side of the street" clean!
Look at the wonderful lessons you are learning! You're learning not to give all of your heart--until you see that the person can be trusted with it. To only give it little by little and really take the time to see if you are getting back what you are putting in. In your enthusiasm to love--you have shorted yourself this time by giving it all before seeing if the woman was worthy. Now you know not to do that anymore.
What if you were to write it all out to her--every feeling--every hurt--every thought on the matter--write and write and write and furiously write!. Take a few days and write page after page--And then ceremoniously burn it--let the smoke go up to God like a prayer... and release her. What do you think about that?

[singleman]

The only mind you have the power to change is your own.

By what you've shared about her--I think you could talk to her til you were blue in the face...and nothing would change. I believe someday she will learn (probably in the school of hard knocks) that she needs to change and overcome her self centeredness. But, who knows when that time will come? Life is too short for you to wait around for her to grow up! It sounds like you have been very good to her--and I believe someday--she will be humbled by that fact that you were so kind and tolerant...and maybe even ashamed for being so careless toward someone who was so good to her.
But for now--Please don't expect anything different from her than she has already shown--I think you'll be setting yourself up for disappointment from the looks of things.
You asked "Does any of that really matter?" Yes--you will have to live with your response to her--be it mature and controlled or an embarrassing flip out session! How nice to know you have kept "your side of the street" clean!
Look at the wonderful lessons you are learning! You're learning not to give all of your heart--until you see that the person can be trusted with it. To only give it little by little and really take the time to see if you are getting back what you are putting in. In your enthusiasm to love--you have shorted yourself this time by giving it all before seeing if the woman was worthy. Now you know not to do that anymore.
What if you were to write it all out to her--every feeling--every hurt--every thought on the matter--write and write and write and furiously write!...Take a few days and write page after page--And then ceremoniously burn it--let the smoke go up to God like a prayer...and release her. What do you think about that?

Well for sure, I did do the writing thing 7 PAGES WORTH. I think what frusterates me is she is telling people things Didn't WORK OUT BUT That's A BOLD FACE LIE... THAT IS VERY UPSETTING TO ME. THe honest to god truth is, we finally met one day after a weeks worth of avoidance and she told me she is moving. I said, OK where do you plan to move, she then told me. Then I knew about her ex getting a position there so it all came together. She shouldn't be telling people WE BROKE UP.. She forced me out because I said in the break up, our relationship can't continue if you see him and since you are choosing him. So that upsets me. Lots of good people that I know are getting clouded with lies and that's not fair . I don't know if I should tell them but I don't want to start a boxing match back and forth with stuff. I know the truths. Its just amazing... See I wounder if I was just biding her time till he came back around and if she ever really loved me, and she can't say SHE LOVED ME if SHE IS DOING WHAT SHE IS DOING!

[trulytrying]

Of course she loved you! I just don't think she respects you--but how couldn't she love you? A year is a long time... There had to be something there right? But now I think it's time for you to love yourself and respect yourself!
Okay--Things didn't work out--honestly right? They didn't or you wouldn't be writing this on here...
And that's a NICE way of saying it instead of some mean crappy stuff that she could be saying! Saying "things didn't work out" is a polite, concise response to a question--What happened with you guys? Do you want her to say "He gave me an ultimatum--and I chose the other guy!"?
That would be embarrassing and hurtful wouldn't it?
It is wise of you not to "air your dirty laundry" and it shows you are a gentleman with manners! Try and keep it clean if you can huh? For your reputation's sake... It's okay to say "Things didn't work out"--I would much prefer that-- to having it known someone called my bluff when I gave them an ultimatum!
Folks care--but only so much--and you and I need not be worried about what other people think--that's just pride and vanity and those are unattractive qualities that we both would do better overcoming! Who cares what they think?
Anyone that really matters--those that truly know you and care--they will have the story straight--because they have seen it going on for a long time.
There's a great book called "Man of steel and velvet" by Aubery Andelin I think you could get a lot out of. It's got kind of old fashioned values--but I highly recommend it for you. You can buy a used paperback copy online for just a few bucks.
You're going to be okay! Sit up straight--keep your chin up!
And smile! People will wonder what you're up to! : )

[singleman]

Thank you for keeping up with me. Its nice to keep in contact with others. I have explained my situation to counsling, friends, even other girls and they say similar things. What is amazing about it the support and the SAME answers from everyone. I don't know if this matters, but what do I say to her next time I see her? I got so many un answered questions for her LIke WHY . And you didn't even give me a chance to work it out or even talk about it. It seemed to me from her perspective that it was just wam, its over. I mean we had troubles for over a month before hand but never once worked at them OR EVEN TALKED. I guess in the end I was her doormat to walk all over and she could do what ever she wanted and think its OK . Some people told me that Isn't WHAT A RELATIONSHIP IS ABOUT. ITS WORK AND SACRIFICE. But she neither WORKED AT IT or SACRIFICED ANYTHING. ITs amazing how you got my situation right down to the littlest detail of her EVEN ADMITTING TO MY FACE.. SHE is THE MOST SELF-CENTERED PERSON EVER IN THIS WORLD. AND SHE HAS TO TAKE CARE OF HER SELF? To me that is the most selfish thing I have ever heard, yes you need to take care of yourself, but how is dropping a relation ship and moving to a strange place with someone you have had BAD past with TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF? I kind of am getting the point that I deserve better treatment. I been nothing but good to her. I told her I don't care about your past experiences, the day we started dating is starting on a clean slate. But I guess people never change unless they want to?

[trulytrying]

I'm soooo happy to hear you realizing that you deserve better treatment! That's a BIG realization! Good for you! : )
You can start by being good to yourself! She's apparently not the kind of person who likes to work through problems and her answer is to just run--run in to who knows what--but that isn't your problem. YOU are your focus now. How to grow and become the man you want to be. How you will become one who is respected because you first respect yourself--which you haven't been doing have you? Not really... Or you would have sent her packing and not waited for the crumbs she might toss you. Her life lessons are not your concern anymore--YOURS are... you allowed yourself to be mistreated and taken for granted--but you're NOT going to do that anymore right? What are some good qualities that you possess? What are some of your strengths? Acknowledge those and go from there... You said "people never change unless they want to"... that goes for you too! Don't take mistreatment anymore! Respect yourself! You were made in the image of God with a mind that can solve problems and create and have ideas and grow and change for the better. Let your own personal development be your concern now. Please--don't concern yourself with her--she has her own lessons to learn that you are powerless over--and besides--you are simply too busy with your own personal growth to be bothered with wondering what she's up to! : ) What do you think?

[singleman]

I'm soooo happy to hear you realizing that you deserve better treatment! That's a BIG realization! Good for you!! : )
You can start by being good to yourself! She's apparently not the kind of person who likes to work through problems and her answer is to just run--run in to who knows what--but that isn't your problem. YOU are your focus now. How to grow and become the man you want to be. How you will become one who is respected because you first respect yourself--which you haven't been doing have you? Not really...Or you would have sent her packing and not waited for the crumbs she might toss you. Her life lessons are not your concern anymore--YOURS are...you allowed yourself to be mistreated and taken for granted--but you're NOT going to do that anymore right?! What are some good qualities that you possess? What are some of your strengths? Acknowledge those and go from there...You said "people never change unless they want to"...that goes for you too! Don't take mistreatment anymore! Respect yourself! You were made in the image of God with a mind that can solve problems and create and have ideas and grow and change for the better. Let your own personal development be your concern now. Please--don't concern your self with her--she has her own lessons to learn that you are powerless over--and besides--you are simply too busy with your own personal growth to be bothered with wondering what she's up to! : ) What do you think?!

What I think is, this really shows me how cruel humans can be ! Over a year and then bam its over. Yes we had arguments but they never went in my favor. I just don't understand her line of thinking on this. Leave someone who loves you for who you are to be with someone who you cheated on with? She is taking her time with this stuff thing though. She never ANSWERS any calls, or EVER calls me. The only time she will get it is when SHE HAS THE TIME. She uses the lines of being sick or busy, but honestly if you wanted your stuff come get it. I hope this doesn't turn into a legal issue by her just walking in my place to get it. That is a felony where I am at. I am afaid she may do that with out any disrespect. But I am going to run into her at her place where I work out. That's in evitable. To me, if she is with someone right now its cheating, it still is and its not justifable to me. Sadly I would work things out because it could, but I don't see it happening be that the case. That is very disrespectful and I think she needs to know how I am at least feeling? I did the letter thing. But I haven't said boo to her since the break. Like how I'm feeling or what's going on?

[singleman]

Its hard to try to get over her and still want her back!

[trulytrying]

I think you are grieving over what "could have been" and not what actually was! What actually was--was you were and are being taken for granted. Even now--ignoring your calls etc.
Yes--some people can be cruel--but not most.
There really are nice worthwhile folks out there.
Really there are.

[singleman]

I think you are grieving over what "could have been" and not what actually was! What actually was--was you were and are being taken for granted. Even now--ignoring your calls etc.
Yes--some people can be cruel--but not most.
There really are nice worthwhile folks out there.
Really there are.

Could you explain this part... so I haven't SEEN her in 1 week. I go to her place that she is at working and she hugs me multiple times? I don't know what to make of it. So I go take care of business then there was a time where it was just the two of us she hugged me again, did one of those quick kisses on the face and said she misses me ? What am I supposed to take of this? IS SHE REALISING SHE IS Losing SOMETHING GOOD? I Don't KNOW SHE IS PLAYING AND TOYING WITH MY HEART. Still never answers texts or phone calls so what am I supposed to think?

[singleman]

Top of that she holds out on all my phone calls? I don't know if I'm supposed to be trying to get a hold of her, but finally she wants to talk this week, but its always on her TIME .

[trulytrying]

I think she's hugging you in friendship and gratitude for your devotion and love. I think she wants an amicable break up and not fighting and meanness. Please don't allow yourself to be strung along... I wouldn't interpret her hugs as a desire to be together.
I think she's just being friendly and trying to encourage you.
Quit calling her! That will take her by surprise! Leave her ONE message and let her know she has "X" amount of time to get her things. Let her know if she doesn't respond you will put it in storage... give her until a specific date and tell her she will have to call you to schedule a time within that deadline. Then don't call her anymore!
You set yourself for disappointment every time you call right?
It hurts each time she doesn't answer right?
Then STOP calling! It's like poking yourself in the eye every time you call! If it hurts--then stop doing it. Instead of calling--just go straight ahead and poke yourself in the eye! See how silly that is? : )
Be strong! You never know what the future holds.