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1badchoice · May 11, 2009, 04:47 PM

:(:(My girlfriend (lesbian relationship) and I have been together for approx 7 years. I have several children and she has one. Over time we have dealt with many ups and downs and gotten two through teen years... working on two more teens. The problem comes in with her one child. Basically, over the years she has always treated me with disrespect and failed to listen to me. She does many of the same things all teens do... talk back, not listen, etc. The problem is... my girlfriend is very non confrontational. She will do just about anything to avoid confrontation. Her daughter pushes a lot of buttons when it comes to me (with her mom) such as you love her more, you let her treat me bad, etc. Over the past year or so I try to avoid this child however I am forced into dealing with her behaviors as her mother is often at work. To be honest... if she weren't my girlfriends daughter I would not deal with her at all. It has come to the point where this child with either completely ignore me (as if no one spoke) or be so rude that it would take a saint to not want to smack her. I do not hit her but when I bring it to her mother's attention the daughter smirks, laughs, continues to be rude, etc and nothing happens. Her mother will say don't but not follow through. I now am very hurt by the fact that my girlfriend will not back me. To be honest... there is not one person on this earth that my girlfriend would allow her child to talk to this way but me. The daughter even said she would do everything she could to break us up and I am really starting to wonder. Yes my children are rotten and to teen crap. But the bottom line is... I would never allow them to blatantly be rude, disrespectful to my girlfriend. And if she told me there was a problem I would step in. I have cried for the past three nights and my girlfriend has failed to respond. She says I should be more patient with her daughter. I am really hurt and feel that she cannot see that children (even teens) should not be allowed to be disrespectful to adults, especially the ones we claim to be in love with. Any suggestions? Cause right now I just cry and wonder if this will be the end of us.

Fr_Chuck · May 11, 2009, 06:48 PM

What role is the teens father in this.

1badchoice · May 11, 2009, 06:55 PM

Teens father has absolutely NO role. He split when girlfriend was pregnant. Girlfriend and her daughter had been living in a matriarchal home of great grandmother. They are very against our relationship so teen often threatens to call grandma. My girlfriend was actually raised by her great grandparents as her mother was killed by father when she was only 3... they were both still very young teens. Every generation has one child... happens to be a girl. Not sure if it matters but that is about the extent of extended family for her.

Jake2008 · May 11, 2009, 08:21 PM

And who says a teen can't break up a long term relationship...

On the one hand, you said you deal with her only when you have to, and have avoided her as much as you can.

Your partner is in the middle of a conflict between you and her daughter as a result. I could be wrong, but I presume this teen and you do not spend any quality time together. I do understand that, I'm not being critical here.

The teen's behaviour is very typical. Divide and conquer. You are seen as an obsticle in her desire to exert control over her mother, and get her own way without consequence. That seems to be what is happening.

The teen's mum needs to learn how destructive this is to her relationship with you, and her relationship with her daughter. To not have any boundaries, rules, guidelines, and consequences for bad and disrespectful behaviour, it is a free for all, and very destructive and stressful.

That you have raised children through the teen years already may actually be working against you, if this teen in particular did not like the rules you imposed on the others.

It is so important for you to be heard by your partner. She is probably at a loss how to reconcile her relationship with you, and keep the peace at the same time with her daughter.

I would urge you to seek counselling with a counsellor who is experienced in dealing with couples, and teens. While it would be wonderful for your partner to go, if she chooses not to, please seek counselling for yourself.

You really deserve some peace in your life.

Fr_Chuck · May 11, 2009, 08:28 PM

In the end your partner is making some choices, she has to decide
1. strong parenting skills
OR
2. choice daughter over partner
3. choice partner over daughter

Often when left with the choice of child or partner, partner will lose.

liz28 · May 12, 2009, 04:01 AM

You, your girlfriend, and the daughter needs to sit down and talk. Everyone should have an open discussion to sort of let it out. Rules should be made and enforce if it isn't follow.

I am with you on this one that the mom plays a big role in this and if she continues to let her daughter behavior towards you slide then she risks losing you and you should tell her this.

Sadly, if nothing changes on her part you will only leave. I hope your girlfriend does something.

1badchoice · May 13, 2009, 09:36 PM

Thanks to everyone for their input. I know that these are difficult years and no one has all the answers concerning teens. Ultimately I have to decide if I can stick out a couple more years of teen angst to spend my longterm with my partner. I can understand her feeling pulled between her daughter and I. If I truly believed she were being asked to choose I would bow out as every parent should choose their child. This is not really about choosing between us as much as deciding on parenting values. And yes, this teen does not necessarily like the rules I have enforced with my previous teens (and my insistence on consistency with all kids). It really has helped to vent here a bit and get perspective. Again, thanks to all. For today, we are hanging on.
:O) Cathy