[daisysilver]

Hi I have five children and two are still under ten and fine and the oldest twenty five years is fine too. My problem came when my adopted daughter reached teen years and basically became really difficult with a personality disorder verging on psychopathy. We became estranged and it got so bad I asked her to leave when She was 16 and we had intermittent contact over the years and I thought she would one day be able to talk and we might be reconciled then last year my son twenty left home strangely. He became more and more distant and just left not telling me an address. I know he was seeing my daughter and some of the things he said and did have led me to believe she or her father has turned him against me. I have phoned him and emailed and get no reply apart form once last month when I spoke briefly with him on phone. He seemed devoid of emotional tone and it felt like he was not interested at all in having a conversation. His father and I are divorcved and one mode he used to use with me was non conmunication. It hurts so bad because he will not give a reason other than to say I should have shown him more love as he grew up. I did and do love him he was my youngest child for ten years. He spoke to his youngest brother and sister when I handed him the phone but he has made no attempt to mark birthdays or christmas. I felt so ill mentally for many months and still feel suicicdal almost with the pain. I know something is going on and no one is telling me my eldest son is great and he says I should just forget him. I love all my kids even my adopted daughter who has told people she hates me and spread all kind of vicious rumours. I have tried pushing it all down inside as there is no way to resolve this. I ned to learn how to let go. Any advice from people who have been through similar?

[Jake2008]

hi I have five children and two are still under ten and fine and the oldest twenty five years is fine too. My problem came when my adopted daughter reached teen years and basically became really difficult with a personality disorder verging on psychopathy. We became estranged and it got so bad I asked her to leave when She was 16 and we had intermittent contact over the years and I thought she would one day be able to talk and we might be reconciled then last year my son twenty left home strangely. He became more and more distant and just left not telling me an address. I know he was seeing my daughter and some of the things he said and did have led me to believe she or her father has turned him against me. I have phoned him and emailed and get no reply apart form once last month when i spoke briefly with him on phone. He seemed devoid of emotional tone and it felt like he was not interested at all in having a conversation. His father and i are divorcved and one mode he used to use with me was non conmunication. It hurts so bad because he will not give a reason other than to say i should have shown him more love as he grew up. I did and do love him he was my youngest child for ten years. He spoke to his youngest brother and sister when I handed him the phone but he has made no attempt to mark birthdays or christmas. I felt so ill mentally for many months and still feel suicicdal almost with the pain. I know something is going on and no one is telling me my eldest son is great and he says I should just forget him. I love all my kids even my adopted daughter who has told people she hates me and spread all kind of vicious rumours. I have tried pushing it all down inside as there is no way to resolve this. I ned to learn how to let go. Any advice from people who have been through similar?

So you have been really rejected by two of your children, and your daughter had a personality disorder. Was this something diagnosed by a physician? If she was in therapy, or on medication, did it not help? It almost sounds like you are describing Borderline Personality Disorder, with your mention of her bordering on psychosis.

Why do you think that it was impossible for her to return home at some point.

And you son left strangely with no explanation. He must have had a reason. Do you have no idea whatsoever of what could have caused his sudden departure? What do you think he would say if he were asked why he just up and left, and cut ties with his mother.

I realize that you love your children, but surely there must be more to this story. You say you push the emotion down because there is no way to resolve this. I think there must be avenues available, but without more information, it is hard to offer any advice.

What would the other side of the story be, any idea? Where did things go wrong. I am not blaming you or pointing fingers here, but there is just not enough information.

[YeloDasy]

What else did the children say? They mentioned you didn't give them enough love... did they give expamples? You can start by listening, understanding, and starting over. The son may be protective of the adoptive daughter. The adoptive daughter seems to have a lot of anger, either toward you or she is projecting it to you. Either way, where is her anger coming from? It sounds like your response was to ask her to leave... what else was done prior to her leaving to help her?
Just trying to get a sense of what things were like... for them.

[daisysilver]

Hi I was alone with five kids from babies to teens and I kept going but only just. Up until daughter was teen she was perfect child and top of class. I feel she was hiding so much inside. She was never diagnosed with disorder but from reading up now I understand a bit I think. She would lie and manipulate and be very good so you could not tell easily. School reported strange behaviour and if you crossed her she became vengeful and angry. She would get friends to ring the house and ring off and say things to upset me. She did things to make me feel like I was going mad. She hid things that I was looking for. It sounds petty but it was so strange. I tried to talk and understand with her what was going wrong. It was like talking to an iceberg. She shut me out. At time I thought this was some kind of teen behaviour and down to her contacting her adoptive parents. I failed to realise the severity of the whole situation. I have read about people who are disturbed but able to hide it.I have suggested we go to counselling but no response. I do not know really what isgoing on in her life. But I do know she keeps it secret from me and now my son is doing same.

People have come to me and said she tells them of how abusive I was and how I did not love her. At first I ignored it and did not worry but then Terrible things were said so that I have lost friends who believe what she says. In fact she was an easy child to love whilst young she never put a foot wrong and stayed very close to me. I did hit her twice this was right at the end before she left and this was one of the reasons I asked her to leave I could sense myself becoming so upset. Apart from that My guess is that the birth of two younger siblings at the time she was contacting her birth parents caused some of her anger. I have made such a mess of this and I have no one to turn to. I am completely alone. I have to find out what is going for the sake of my youngest two who need me sane and happy and need their family working together not against. I am so depressed by not being able to resolve this. There is so much I could say but it basically boils down to the fact that I think my daughter verges on psychopathy and yet is able to manipulate those around her. She is clever and controlled. I think she worked on my son and turned him against me. I am scared of her and the way she is able to control people.

[YeloDasy]

That is a really tough situation. What is it that you want from her and your son? In the meantime, I really think you would benefit from going to see a counselor. I know that sounds like an easy way out for this thread, but I know they will help you be able to cope and get back to a place where you can be healthy for your other children while helping you make decisions about the situation. You can not do this alone, and your other children need you to be healthy. If there are things that you can change about yourself, this is the time to do it!

[taoplr]

hi I was alone with five kids from babies to teens and I kept going but only just. Up until daughter was teen she was perfect child and top of class. I feel she was hiding so much inside. She was never diagnosed with disorder but from reading up now I understand a bit I think. She would lie and manipulate and be very good so you could not tell easily. School reported strange behaviour and if you crossed her she became vengeful and angry. She would get friends to ring the house and ring off and say things to upset me. She did things to make me feel like I was going mad. She hid things that I was looking for. It sounds petty but it was so strange. I tried to talk and understand with her what was going wrong. It was like talking to an iceberg. She shut me out. At time I thought this was some kind of teen behaviour and down to her contacting her adoptive parents. I failed to realise the severity of the whole situation. I have read about people who are disturbed but able to hide it.I have suggested we go to counselling but no response. I do not know really what isgoing on in her life. But I do know she keeps it secret from me and now my son is doing same.

People have come to me and said she tells them of how abusive I was and how I did not love her. At first I ignored it and did not worry but then Terrible things were said so that I have lost friends who believe what she says. In fact she was an easy child to love whilst young she never put a foot wrong and stayed very close to me. I did hit her twice this was right at the end before she left and this was one of the reasons I asked her to leave I could sense myself becoming so upset. Apart from that My guess is that the birth of two younger siblings at the time she was contactin her birth parents caused some of her anger. I have made such a mess of this and I have no one to turn to. I am completely alone. I have to find out what is going for the sake of my youngest two who need me sane and happy and need their family working together not against. I am so depressed by not being able to resolve this. There is so much I could say but it basically boils down to the fact that I think my daughter verges on psychopathy and yet is able to manipulate those around her. She is clever and controlled. I think she worked on my son and turned him against me. I am scared of her and the way she is able to control people.

You are in exactly the right place to address the real problem: your own mind. While there is probably a diagnosable condition in your daughter and maybe your son as well, you hint at the possibility that your own mental health is compromised. That's not your fault, but it is yours to fix. While the complaints about you might not be fair or accurate, you have some work to do within yourself. Do this work with a therapist and you will heal the relationships with your children and raise the quality of your life.

[daisysilver]

Thank you for your advice. I do not think I am good at reading people and it is only after things have gone badly wrong I see what has happened. I am on list to see counsellor and I did see one once before. I have no contact now with my adopted child for two years apart from a brief phone call and email. She has in mean time got very close to friends of mine as I said. She is now twenty four my son has not contacted me since moving out last year and I have tried to contact him various times. All I want is truth and honesty. The non communication seems to be some kind of way of making me suffer. I guess they are grown enough to let go but why not even be able to talk and tell me what the issue is. It just fits in with my adopted child's game playing and way she has gone about isolating me before. I am quite certain that this is her anger and passive aggressive approach to dealing with me which is to socially isolate or manipulate. She is in a place I cannot reach and she does not want me to reach but wants me to feel the rejection and pain. This is not all in my head though as one reply seemed to be saying. My reaction and depression is due to guilt I will give you that, but the actual actions and behaviour of my adopted daughter is not imagined.

[Jake2008]

It is what it is. The reality is you've been rejected by these adult children, and you don't know why. Perhaps it is more them, than you, with problems in communicating. Perhaps it is their personalities that are in question here, not yours.

Generally by adulthood, what you see is what you get. Many good parents have done all the right things with all the love and skill they have, and children turn out to be the opposite to what they should be.

Perhaps the decisions they've made have nothing to do with you at all. Because you are their mother instead of their friend, neighbour, or work mate, you can't just fluff it off and ignore it. It hurts to have this kind of behaviour thrown your way, without justification or reason, that you can see. Mom's usually get the brunt of it because mom's love (and dad's) is unconditional. They know you will always be there, and you will not be anybody other than, their mother.

That is why counselling is a good idea. If you cannot get through to them, it is more important now to learn how to cope and deal with their behaviour. For your own peace of mind, having someone understand this anguish and provide some suggestions for coping skills will help you focus less on their behaviour, and more on you.

It is possible that they may never change, but it is far more likely that you can change how you deal with them, and what they've done to you.

I personally think their behaviour is rotten, vindictive, miserable, and uncalled for. No matter what they perceive that you have done, their unwillingness to be upfront and communicate with you is deplorable. It is obvious that you want to know what has caused this, and without their cooperation, that will never happen.

Time to take care of you.

[daisysilver]

Thanks for that jake I know I am at fault here or rather was at fault when I let them down but I have never rejected them or given up what ever argument or disagreement if they came to me I would talk or listen. I never ignored them but I believe they know that this is the best way to hurt me which is to cut off absolutely. I can't say what goes on in their minds I can only guess. They are adults and I am sick of playing the triangulation and mind games. If someone wants to communicate they will and if not I have to let go I guess. It is hard with your kids though no matter how old they get! I have let them dictate to me how I feel. I have decided to put them in a safe place in my heart and stop picking at the scabs. I do love the people I thought they were. If they ever want to reach out then I will be open to counselling and honest discussion of my mistakes and theirs.

[YeloDasy]

I still think you can go to counseling now for yourself.

[daisysilver]

i still think you can go to counseling now for yourself.

I am did you not read the post. I went today actually and it is not easy to do counselling if you do it honestly. But thanks for the insistence.

[YeloDasy]

Oh I missed that part...
Good for you! Yes it is hard... but well worth the journey! I look forward to hearing your growth!

[Jake2008]

I don't know what happens to people as adults and they regard their upbringing as the cause of all their troubles.

Would it happen with any other adult the same way, such as a boss, co-worker, sibling etc. I don't think so. Something about parents with that great big heart that keeps loving no matter what.

I remember thinking with mine that if I can raise healthy, independent, socially responsible adults, then I've done my job. That is of course, no guarantee that they won't hold you responsible for them not making the football team because you couldn't get them to practice 25 years ago. He could have been a football star! (if it weren't for me :p).

I wish I could make you feel better, and convince you that you have obviously done far more good than bad. But, I am glad you seem stronger.

At this stage of the game, you have earned some happiness in your life.

[starlight707]

You can get great support at Dailystrength.com and look for parents of estranged children. I'm on it and it is a wonderful site to help with this. I guarantee it! Many have been in your shoes. Your not alone.

Starlight707