[Kryc]

Ok my ex and I split up in January and our divorce went through in June. Our divorce went smooth for the most part. Well, Friday she calls and asks if we could talk. I thought OK she wants to talk about our kids. Instead she asks me advice on her boyfriend. She tells me that they are having the same problems we did. She poured her heart out to me telling me she was confused and didn’t know if she should continue or what to do. I felt very uncomfortable but I told her that if after 6 years we split from those problems why would you stick with a guy after 4 months. She agreed and told me she was leaving him. (That is the short story on that part of the talk) After we got done with that we started talking about things in our lives and how things were going. Before we got done she told me thank you and that she could always count on me. Later that night she calls and says that she was wondering if I could get a cup of coffee with her so she could talk some more. I told her I couldn’t because I had plans but maybe we could Saturday. Well Saturday I call and she says that she can’t because her and her friends our going out. No big deal I go out with my friends. That night as I was heading home I decide I wanted some breakfast so I text messaged her and asked if she would like to get a cup of coffee with me. Well we meet at 1:30 in the morning and talked for about an hour. As we were leaving she gave me a big hug and talked about us going out some time. I told her I would get back with her on that. This is where my question starts. Am I making a horrible mistake by dating my ex wife? We both have changed a lot since we separated. Some of the things we used to fight about aren’t really that important to us anymore. I know I have changed on issues because I have sort of walked in her shoes for a bit in my last relationship. Some of my concerns are first my family hates her. I think mainly because she hurt me is why they feel this way. Second of getting hurt again but I think if you’re not willing to risk things in life are you really living it. Third are our kids I don’t want to hurt them if things don’t work out.

Thanks for any advice you can give. Also if you need more information to help with advice just ask and I will try and answer.

Thanks again

[Krs]

Can I ask what were the reasons for your divorce?

Also, keeping your relationship amicable due to your kids is absolutley fine... but dating again.. not so sure about that one.

[Kryc]

Well Im not sure exactly where things went wrong but we fought all the time at the last of our relationship. We fought over her going out every week to clubs and bars with her friends. We fought over trust issues. I lied to her a couple of times in trying to keep her from going out. Basiclly we had the snowball effect the harder I tried to keep her home the faster she pulled away. The faster she pulled away the harder I pulled. It went like that for a year before we decided maybe we should divorce. She spent more time with her friend than with us but I think that's because she didn't want to be around me because we fought all the time.

[Krs]

When you oppose any one from doing something they want, that comes back and hits you right in the face and the other person still does what they want.

We are all individuals, there are some couples who enjoy spending quality time together while others prefer being with friends instead.

I personally wouldn't like my husband to be out every wkend with his buddies, and vice-versa but if its done once monthly or so, you can't really complain.
Everybody needs space and when that space is take away we rebble - BIG TIME.

Do u think u still have trust and jealousy issues?
Could u handle to start dating her again and a few months down the line when everything seems rosey she TELLS you she is going clubbing with her friends?

[talaniman]

The divorce is still fresh to both of you and obviously you get along better now. For the kids that's a good thing. But dating so soon after breaking up? I don't think that's a good idea. You've screwed it up once so why not take the time to at least let the dust settle and go very slow with any future plans. After 6 years don't you think you both can benefit from time apart and take an honest look at yourselves and try to improve. What's the hurry to get back in the same pot. Leave the excuses out and worry about where you fit in the big plan. She is already dating so what does that tell you. I wouldn't be so available for ALL her questions.

[Kryc]

There are some minor trust issues. I think that with time though we would get past them but as for jealousy I don't think I have that problem anymore. As for her going clubbing yeah I think I would be OK with that. If she's with me I want her to be there cause she wants to be not cause she thinks she has to be.

[SINGLE4]

First of all... BRAVO Kryc for being able to be civil (even friends) with your ex after the divorce.

Second... I agree with "tal" on this one. Still way too fresh and as much as you think you may have changed... when put in the situation again... you may snap and go back to the way things were! I think you need to just date "other" people and just stay friends with your ex... for now! Give it time!

[Wildcat21]

Well a married women shouldn't be going out to clubs and bars - no way. Maybe once in a while. Every weekend? no.

Did you try counseling? I hope. You guys would need it.

[Depressed in MO]

I think this chic is just having an insecure moment and is trying to see if she could still use you for when she has no one else there.

[YeloDasy]

I am sorry, but I don't know how you can be okay with all th things that you didn't like before! YOu went to extremes to keep her from going out, but now it's okay? I don't think a few months is a enough time to really work on yourselves. And maybe going to counseling individually and work into couples if you want to work it out... but that would not be so soon... maybe you are better off as friends... sounds like that...

[Presleygall85]

I think that if it bugged you before it will bug you again.. and why should you have to change.. I agree with Wildcat a married women should not be going to clubs and bars alone with her friends.. it is unsafe and that is when cheating looks so tempting.. how would you know right...
But...
You have to do things for you, you love her you were with her for 6 years, so my suggestion to you is if you want to date, date casual... get some cups of coffee, go out to a bar now and then, take your time re-get to know her.. make sure that you are still in love with her before you introduce her as you girlfriend or really introduce her to your family again... if that makes any sense. In other words don't consider you guys as dating or as boyfriend/girlfriend.. you guys are mutual friends spending a little time together.. after a few months of this you should know whether you want to even be with her again or if you just like how you guys are as friends! :) good luck!

[talaniman]

I think it important that you find yourself before you can get involved with anyone let alone your ex. Being friends for the kids is enough for now.

[s_cianci]

Couples have been known to divorce and then get back together again. You obviously have a lot of years invested in each other and kids to boot. Often, as you've said, people change. Perhaps mature would be a better word to use. It may be worth a try. I can't necessarily promise a fairy tale, happily-ever-after ending but it's been known to happen.

[Wildcat21]

I know for a fact that sometimes being away from someone for a while puts a lot into perspective. The things you fought about don't really matter anymore.

Your love can grow stronger. You learn MORE about yourself.

TAKE IT SLOW. DON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTES!! Talk!! Communicatoin is key!! Talk!! Talk for hours!!

[Kryc]

I really appriciate everyone's advice. I have done a lot of thinking about the situation and I think I will just take things really slow. Thanks again for all the advice.

[Wildcat21]

And TALK - talk about everything - get everything out there.

Yes - go slow.

Ask a million questions.