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chrisj1234 · May 3, 2009, 11:22 PM

Hi all, just to give a quick picture of my situation:

I'm a male 29 years old, been together with her for 8 years, got engaged last year. All these years, she would be the one begging & crying not to break up, and I would always forgive her mistakes within less than a few hours.. Over the last couple weeks we had a few fights, she would constantly been saying how much she needed me, how much she loved me, etc.. However, one day (out of the blue, for no reason), she began avoiding me like hell, I was wondering what was going on, 'cause we had no recent fight to give a good reason for this change. (do not suggest there is somebody else in the picture, for that I am 110% sure, believe it or not, I'm even sure she didn't even THINK about flirting any other guy).. It seemed as if she was finally looking for a good reason to break up with me, and she found it: one day I got angry she was avoiding me, I raised my voice, said a few bad words, and then she told me she wouldn't ever wanted to hear from me again :confused:

I think she's taking advantage of the fact that over the last days I was -everyday- confessing how much I loved her, how much I missed her, etc, just because I wanted to support her, 'cause a month ago she lost her job and she got depressed about this.. Would this be a reason for her to call it off?

And suddenly she says that her reason for calling it off was that I got angry once and shouted at her? She also said that -after losing her job- I didn't support her as much as she would expect & I wasn't patient with her anger/depression/sadness, etc.. (although this is a lie, 2-3 days before, she told me how supportive I was).. What a ridiculous explanation?

When she told me she wouldn't want to hear from me again, I begged (& even cried) for 24-36 hours, then she had made her final decision: we should break up.. I wouldn't EVER imagine that she would ever have the power to break up with me, she would always be the one telling me what much I meant to her.. From then, I have been applying (strictly) the no contact rule, it's been a week since we last spoke to each other.. (note that 8 years now, there was never any period longer than half a day we wouldn't speak to each other, so now 1 week for us is too long)

Do you think she did lose her interest, or is she just playing around just to show who's the boss? How can somebody lose his/her interest in 1-2 days? I think she's just lying, when I called her a week ago, she asked me not to bother her again, because she had "already been moving on with her life"..? Moving on so easily, after 8 years relationship? Don't think so..

Do you think it would be a good idea to do something romantic for her, just to remind her of the old good days? Or would I lose my dignity? What can I do to have this old cute little loving girl back in my arms?

Also, I forgot to mention that she even told me

"look, I do love you, I don't have the same feelings for you as I did in the past"..

I then asked her "how can you change feelings in less than 2 days? a week ago you were telling me how important I am for you"..

She then replied "uhm, i don't know why I was saying so, sorry, my mistake"..

??

Triysle · May 4, 2009, 01:45 AM

It sounds a bit to me like she wasn't sure of her own feelings in the first place. If you were the one doing all the work, as you claimed in your first few lines, then she may have just been going along with the relationship because she didn't have to work for it at all.

For a relationship to be healthy and successful, everyone involved needs to work equally to resolve issues. If you had to always cry and beg to get her back, that not only shows a sign of your own insecurity (do you really need her that bad, if you're doing all the work?) but it also shows her willingness to take advantage of you.

My solution for you - sit down and consider the things that she did for you. Not the promises, not the way she made you feel, but the actual compromises she was willing to make to keep the relationship solid. I think it might surprise you ;)

~ Tee

chrisj1234 · May 4, 2009, 04:10 AM

Yes, what you say is true.. To be honest, 5 years now she had been making too many promises, some of them she kept, some others she did not (nothing to blame, this happens to all people)..

The thing is that now, she couldn't compromise even to the slightest degree: I begged, I cried, I said a thousand times that I was sorry, but she couldn't understand that it was her that made me shout at her.. I didn't shout for no reason..

If she'd really want things to work between us, she could've said: "oh i'm sorry i was avoiding you, i forgive you for shouting at me, please forgive me as well so we can forget everything"..

My point is that she was stubborn, she kept on saying "no, i cannot forgive you, you weren't patient with my problem/anxiety/depression", and she never said "i'm sorry for acting like this".. Moreover, she started blaming me for any mistakes I had done in the past (I mean, really in the past, 1-2-3 years ago)

Thing is that she said "leave me alone, i have no feeling for you anymore, i have already moved on with my life, don't bother me again"...

Maybe I could swallow my pride & send her an email, saying "i know that what you said the other day: you didn't mean it.. You can't have possibly change that much in such a short period of time, you used to love me a week ago.. I can forgive you for what you said, 'cause I understand the difficult situation which you're in"

Or shouldn't I?

KatiePlce · May 4, 2009, 04:46 AM

IMO, I think she has the upper hand of ending things with you right now. I personally think she will take you back, Don't QUOTE ME ON THIS! But you should give her space, the more you call and beg her the more upper hand she feels. This whole story sounds extremely close to my past relationship & she might just need time to see where she is in the relationship and maybe she feels as though you were wrong in you actions & this is her way of revenge? If you stop calling and just back off she will wonder what's going on with you and maybe make an effort to find out, play it cool... idk but that's what I think -_-

chrisj1234 · May 4, 2009, 05:17 AM

Katie thanks for your response, I'll consider it carefully, since you're a female, maybe you can understand her better than we guys do..

To be honest, over the last 2 weeks (where I was very kind & polite with her, first time she saw me acting like this), we had a couple or three small fights, where (I just got the feeling that) she started acting as if she wanted to show me who's the boss... Pure coincidence? First time in 8 years relationship that I was so kind, and at the same time she turned to be stubborn?

I know that the more I push, the more she feels as if she was right.. But I did tell her that I over-reacted 'cause there was I good reason for it..

She also admitted that: "i know that i won't ever find a better guy than you (considering my personality, loyalty, trust, how handsome she finds me, etc), but right now i need my space.. And, I will do whatever it takes to gain space, even if that means that i'll lose you forever"... STRANGE? :confused::confused:

Oooooh, I would almost forget: please give me some advice: she has already asked me to put her stuff in a box and send them back, however I haven't done it yet.. She's expecting to receive the package today/tomorrow, when she will receive nothing (of course) she will email me asking me what has happened... I was thinking to answer:

"Hi there! How are you? I'm truly sorry, i'm on a business trip, I promise when I return i'm gonna send you your stuff"..

Won't this make her jealous? (don't think she won't believe it, it's within the nature of my job for me to be on business trips, I do it quite often)

Romefalls19 · May 4, 2009, 06:27 AM

It's over, for whatever reason her feelings have changed. You can't do anything to win her back, if you could there wouldn't be a need for this site, read the stickies at the top of the page and do not play games with her, send back her stuff like she requested. The little games are only going to prolong the period of mourning.

KatiePlce · May 4, 2009, 01:27 PM

Originally Posted by chrisj1234

Yes, what you say is true.. To be honest, 5 years now she had been making too many promises, some of them she kept, some others she did not (nothing to blame, this happens to all people)..

The thing is that now, she couldn't compromise even to the slightest degree: i begged, i cried, i said a thousand times that i was sorry, but she couldn't understand that it was her that made me shout at her.. I didn't shout for no reason..

If she'd really want things to work between us, she could've said: "oh i'm sorry i was avoiding you, i forgive you for shouting at me, please forgive me as well so we can forget everything"..

My point is that she was stubborn, she kept on saying "no, i cannot forgive you, you weren't patient with my problem/anxiety/depression", and she never said "i'm sorry for acting like this".. Moreover, she started blaming me for any mistakes I had done in the past (i mean, really in the past, 1-2-3 years ago)

Thing is that she said "leave me alone, i have no feeling for you anymore, i have already moved on with my life, don't bother me again" ...

Maybe i could swallow my pride & send her an email, saying "i know that what you said the other day: you didn't mean it.. You can't have possibly change that much in such a short period of time, you used to love me a week ago.. I can forgive you for what you said, 'cause I understand the difficult situation which you're in"

Or shouldn't I?

I'll let you know how my relationship ended, I loved this guy for 7yrs.. NEVER EVVER thought I would ever leave him. We had more then our share of break ups but I would constantly always beg him to taking me back and tell him it was my fault and he always played these little mind games with me. Where now that I'm older I see how he loved having the upper hand of making me wonder where I stood in the relationship, he never just got straight to the point always trying to be mean and in some ways control me. He would leave me and say it was over SOOO many times then I would cry/beg and he would always take me back this went on for years.. I grew tired of this

Later on in our relationship any little thing he would do I would just find reasons to get mad because I was already getting tired of him hurting my feelings so I decided if he didn't respect me I would just get a job far away and find a reason to leave & I eventually did. We were apart for a few months and I started to miss the hell out of him & he missed me. I of course took him back thinking our separation might have made him realize how much he took me for granted when we got back together it was the same after awhile so I left again and this time for good.

Well.. since she wants her stuff back lol that's a different story. I never wanted my stuff back when I knew I would be back... I suggest you just give it to her back with nothing said.. its been almost half a year now since I last saw my ex & I miss him and some nights I wish I never left him but if its meant to be then it will be. Love doesn't stray far for very long.

Just give her space to figure out what she wants in life. She obviously left you for a reason she's confused about hers people just don't leave for no reason. She was unhappy let her find her own way & without you there pushing her. You did say that you wanted her to be happy with or without you...

none12345 · May 4, 2009, 02:47 PM

She might love you but she is not in love with you. There's a difference. She couldn't have lost her interest so fast, it was gradually happening until she informed you about it. It is not a good thing to do something for her right now because you aren't her boyfriend anymore.

If you do something for her you give her the benefits of a boyfriend which she doesn't deserve. You can't do anything to win her back, if she loves you she will come back but don't wait for her and get moving with your life and do what you want.

It also seems like you would do anything for this girl! That isn't a healthy relationsihp. You should do stuff that benefits you too and not just her. This is why you need to let this go and move on with your life. Hope this helps a little.

chrisj1234 · May 4, 2009, 06:27 PM

KatiePlce, can you please tell me:

- who initiated contact after your first break up? Was it you, or was it him calling you several times begging/crying, so you decided to give him one more chance?

- if he did beg/cry, was it a turn off you suddenly saw him acting like this?

- to be honest, it wasn't her that first asked her stuff back.. It was me that sent her an email informing her that the next day I would send her stuff back, but then I regretted saying so :) So she took advantage and kept on asking her stuff back :)

- also, please tell me this: in one of our last phone calls, I said "please, can't you see i'm suffering? why can't you just forgive me, i have been forgiving you 8 years now, can't you just pay it back now?"... guess what she replied: "OF COURSE you're begging, since you finally understood that you're gonna lose me"... duh? She's taking advantage/revenge, isn't she?

KatiePlce · May 4, 2009, 10:14 PM

I broke up with him after I felt disrespected. He would write me a ton of letters stating how he would change and he can't live without me and how he can't stand not having me in his life. I didn't believe him and tried the no contact rule.

He then started to leave me messages crying and begging I felt horrible but I felt he deserved it in a way and I stuck to the NC rule. After a few days/weeks later when I didn't hear from him. I started to miss him and wanted so badly to just make things work... I wanted to be with him but I was also confused about how he treated me and I myself felt like he cared about me when he would cry/beg but all that turned out to be was a "last resort" action I myself & him use to do when we both didn't get our ways. (this is why giving space is necessary to clear your head and not be clouded by the other partner) I never got the chance nor gave him the chance to really take a step back and see what we were both doing to each other.. Not until it was actually really over.

Both of you need to actually take the time out to reevaluate how you both handle arguments, she obviously feels like she did a lot of begging and pleading when things weren't your way and this is her giving you a taste of how you treated her. She may not come back to you so you need to just move on for now and let her see what she wants. IF she does come back then both of you need to completely learn to handle things in a different manner. You are both adults now so start talking about everything.

After my relationship ended with my ex & I met my current new b/f. I found out VERY fast that the "revenge and taking the upper hand" is definitely toxic for ANY relationship. He showed me how I was really suppose to be treated in a relationship. If ever he hurt me he would do anything in his power to correct his actions and talk about why he did it and why it hurt me.. My new boyfriend woke me up to a HEALTHY relationship.

I do sometimes really wish I knew that before in my 1st "love" relationship how smooth and relaxed it could be when you communicate in a different manner.. because it would have made a huge difference in our arguments.

With my ex I felt as though I had to give in to his ways and therefore I was unhappy and he wasn't. It was a lose lose situation no matter what. We weren't on the same level with resolving our issues so they never really got resolved and just ate at us both.
I was scared to lose him if I said anything..

As to now with my current new boyfriend, we get straight to the point and instead of hurting each others feelings we TALK A lot and always want what's best for both of us. I can't imagine going back to doing the "childish games" where its all about who has control. That is not healthy nor fun for both partners you will just end up where you started... Live and learn I guess.

chrisj1234 · May 5, 2009, 12:34 AM

KatiePlce, the way you think is EXACTLY the same my girlfriends thinks.. You can understand 100% how she feels.. The thing is that I only begged/cried for about 2 days, over the phone (were I also sent her a couple emails which were both angry+loving+confessing+mad, etc), for which I never got an answer...

What do you think you would do if your ex wouldn't had begged that much and had applied the "no contact" rule from the first 1-2 days? Because this is what I'm doing now, it's been 10 days, but still she hasn't initiated contact..

KatiePlce · May 5, 2009, 01:13 AM

How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

If my ex would have stuck to the NC rule then I would have really had time to think about how much I missed him and weighed out the pro's and con's in our result to the break up and why I felt as though I needed personal space.

I remember feeling like he got what he deserved at the time because he could see how much he put me through and how hard I tried to make him happy.. I was trying to see if he was worth me sticking it out and possibly getting back with him. 8years is a VERY LONG time. You really can't just disappear from a relationship just because there's a NC rule.

A lot of the times people use it to move on & that's great but I tried it to make him understand that if I wasn't there he would wake up and see how life would have been without me, because I felt when we were together he took me for granted many times and walked all over me. As I said many times you can only kick a dog so many times before it stops coming back to you...

chrisj1234 · May 5, 2009, 01:25 AM

KatiePlce, I have to say that since our engagement last year, I suddenly became a much better person, much more kind, polite, etc.. And she seemed very happy with my change, 'cause it came without me being forced to do so..

However, I could see gradually she became stubborn, she didn't care as much for our relationship as she cared in the past, etc.. When I was asking her what was happening, either she would tell me "nothing, everything's normal", or she would say "i changed, i became more of a tough woman, i know that last year you changed, you became a better person, but it was too late"... :confused::confused::confused::confused::confused:

Do you think I should strictly stick to the "no contact" rule? Shouldn't I send her a romantic email just to remind her of our old good days?

KatiePlce · May 5, 2009, 01:35 AM

Wait are you saying she told you she's tough now since you changed to late?

chrisj1234 · May 5, 2009, 01:40 AM

Yes! Exactly! She has told me this thing 2-3 times in the last 3-4 months! Can you say such a thing to a person you love sincerely?

Also, she said "the reason we're breaking up is that you didn't understand/you weren't patient with my anxiety/depression, and this is gonna happen again in the future"..

What a lie! She was the one she admitted last week how much supportive I was with her problem :confused::confused: What should I do? Help!

KatiePlce · May 5, 2009, 01:47 AM

If you feel the need to pour your heart out on an email (because I've done it so many times in the past to reach out) then I suggest you do so.. buuut you really shouldn't send it. Just stick to the NC rule

Let her make the first move if she wants to take you back. I know it sounds like a painful thing to do but trust me women tend to respond more to a man they were with for 8yrs that keep to the NC rule then one that is constantly nagging to get back. She might read it & feel better about how she knows how you are and not feel the need to contact you to FIND OUT FOR HERSELF.

If you keep bothering her and breaking the NC rule, why does she need to contact you when she knows what's going on with you? Do you sort of understand? If she loves you and wants to work it out she needs time to be ALONE.

She obviously sounds confused telling you one thing and taking it back.. when she's ready she will let you know. Just keep yourself busy and try and stay away from her as much as possible.

chrisj1234 · May 5, 2009, 02:48 AM

Nice advice Katie, thanks a lot..

Just, one more question: I was too late to pack her stuff and send the package back to her, so I'm sure today/tomorrow she's going to email me to ask what's going on..

Should I reply? I was thinking to send her something like "hi, how are you? sorry for the delay, i was on a business trip, you should receive the box sooner or later. Hope you are well, Chris"

I'm afraid that if we completely lose contact, she'll think I hate her, so then she'll be afraid to come back later on.. :confused::confused: Maybe I can subtly show her that the lines of communication are open?

talaniman · May 5, 2009, 08:00 AM

Hi Chris, give this female her stuff back, without comment, or games, and do as she has asked, and leave her alone.

You both need time to reevaluate yourselves, and each other. In the meantime, you have to get your life in order, and balance, without her in it.

Its hard to unattach yourself from someone who you have spent so much time with, but you must try to cope with your feelings, in a positive way, and let her cope with hers, without your influence.

I'm afraid that if we completely lose contact, she'll think I hate her, so then she'll be afraid to come back later on.. :confused::confused: Maybe I can subtly show her that the lines of communication are open?

The idea for now, is to let the emotional dust settle, and get your head together so you can make better decisions for yourself, based on facts, and not just intense confused feelings.

KatiePlce · May 5, 2009, 11:17 AM

Originally Posted by chrisj1234

Nice advice Katie, thanks a lot..

Just, one more question: i was too late to pack her stuff and send the package back to her, so i'm sure today/tomorrow she's gonna email me to ask what's going on..

Should I reply? I was thinking to send her something like "hi, how are you? sorry for the delay, i was on a business trip, you should receive the box sooner or later. Hope you are well, Chris"

I'm afraid that if we completely lose contact, she'll think I hate her, so then she'll be afraid to come back later on.. :confused::confused: Maybe I can subtly show her that the lines of communication are open?

I know right now that you are in a bad spot and you feel as though she doesn't know what's going on with you, but TRUST me 8 years is something that's on your side. SHE KNOWS you love her. You said it yourself you did the begging/crying deal so she obviously knows you don't want this breakup to happen.

Its HER choice to be away from you & at least give her the right to do so. You can't always control her. DO NOT say anything when you mail back the stuff. TRUST ME she knows you care about her. Nor hers or your feelings can just vanish into thin air. Yes it does in some cases but IMO I think she does love you. You not saying ANYTHING to her will do more GOOD then you bugging her for the BOTH of you. Might not seem like that now but I had to learn the hard way. Most people do, its so hard to fight it & just stick with something your not use to doing.

Your so use to having her around you allll the time as I'm sure she's use to you. Like tal said let the dust settle & let her make a choice based on facts and not confusion and feeling sorry for you.. She will just end up where she began and this might repeat its self all over again.

ajGambino · May 5, 2009, 12:11 PM

Stop fooling yourself man, it's only going to hurt yourself and in a long process. The NC rule is not about increasing the chances of you two getting back together, it's about getting YOURSELF back in check. The NC rule is strictly for both to see what's really going on with their lives and how they want to live it. That being said, she might come back and she might not... but don't put all your hope in what seems to be false. I'm sorry but you need to stick to NC for YOURSELF and not for anyone else.