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cowgirlmama · May 3, 2009, 09:08 AM

My husband pays his ex girlfriend child support for a child that she had from their two month relationship. SHe does not keep the child at all. In fact her first cild her husband's parents keep him, the second one her grandmother keeps her, the third one she gave up for adoption, this one her grandmother keeps him too. And to add to the mess, she lives with her boyfriend not her husband. My husband pays her child support, and not one penny of it goes to the child. Isn't this child abandonment? Can he have his child support terminated bacause of this? I even have her own mother and grandmother that will be willing to testifiy against her. What is you take on this? What should I do?

nikosmom · May 3, 2009, 09:16 AM

He will still have to pay child support because he is financially responsible for the care of this child. It doesn't matter that he only had a 2 month relationship with her; bottom line is he fathered a child. Support can not be terminated unless the child is legally adopted. How do you know how the money is spent?

If he's concerned about the welfare of the child, he can always petition the court for custody.

cowgirlmama · May 3, 2009, 09:22 AM

I speak with her grandmother, she tells me that she does not give her no money at all for keeping or raising the child. She spends the money upon herself and even her mother and stepdad sees that and tells me that. I have even seen it too. She bought herself a new car instead of clothes for the child. The courts don't want to believe it but THERE ARE DEAD BEAT moms out there and she is one of them. She has told my sister in law that she wished that child would die and that my husband would pucker up and pay more... that 120 a week isn't enough... and he only makes 1300 a month! ( she gets almost half of his money) And we have two children of our own.

ScottGem · May 3, 2009, 09:23 AM

No this is not child abandonment. Child abandonment occurs when a child is left without adult supervision. In a few states, child abandonment is used as a charge when a parent does not provide support for the child, None of that is case here.

What IS the case may be fraud. If the child is living full time with someone other than the mother, then THAT person is entitled to receiving support payments.

So what your husband has to do is get proof that the child is in the care of another person. Their testimony should be sufficient. His next step depends on who he pays the support to. If he pays it directly to the mother, then he needs to go back to the court that issued the support order and ask that it be changed to the actual caregiver. If he pays support to a support agency that then forwards the payments, he can ask them what is necessary to get the payments routed to the caregiver.

None of this is grounds to stop his support. As long as the child is a minor it is entitled to have support from the father.

Frankly, I think its shameful of you to try and get support terminated. Clearly this child is not getting the care its entitled to and THAT should be your focus, not trying to get its father off the hook. In fact, I would be trying to get custody of the child.

Fr_Chuck · May 3, 2009, 09:34 AM

Ok, the issue here is there is a court order to pay child support , even if your husband hisself had the child, until he gets the child support order changed he will have to pay child support.

So the grandmother can go to court to get custody of the child. And then get child support paid to her.

Or of course your husband can file for custody,

It really does not matter who she lives with, that is not even an issue to this,

So you can decide what you want to do, but as long as he does not have the child, he pays someone, and that someone is the person who has the court order for payment

cowgirlmama · May 3, 2009, 09:37 AM

I am not worried more about getting the father off the hook... I am trying to stop the mother from getting money to blow on herself and not supporting her child like she is supposed to. We would not mind paying her grandmother one bit. What gets me most is her spending the child's support money as she likes and not on what the child needs. Techinally we are supporting her way of life and not supporting the child.(now that is shameful) And we are trying to put a stop to that in this case. We are trying to look out for the child's welfare. We are talking about trying to get custody of him. But we don't know what to do. Cause she would not constent to it... cause then she would be paying us child support and she doesn't keep a job and she won't have it cause then she wouldn't be getting no money from us( she lives off us) so really we are trying to find out what all we really need to do.

Fr_Chuck · May 3, 2009, 09:49 AM

You will have to file a motion most likely along with the grandmother to have a change in custody and a modification of the child support to be paid to grandmother.

Or even perhaps get it added to the court order that the money is to be paid to the grandmother

But until you get that court order changed you have no choice

ScottGem · May 3, 2009, 09:50 AM

In my long experience with sites like this, people often say what they really feel until called out on it. And the fact is that you did ask if this would be grounds for terminating support. You didn't ask about custody or paying the support to the caregiver.

The bottom line here is that you need to do what I said earlier. You need to work with the agnecy support is paid through or the court that ordered the support to get it changed so it can be paid to the caregiver, or to get a change of custody.

Of course, the mother is going to protest. Why should that stop you. If you can prove that the child is not in the care of the mother and that she doesn't give any money to the caregiver, you have a good case for changing custody and almost a slamdunk case to change who payments go to.

I would strongly suggest getting a Family Law attorney to tell you what your next steps should be.

nikosmom · May 3, 2009, 10:00 AM

In your original answer you said nothing about pursuing custody of the child. Your question was if you could get support terminated and we have all told you No.

If he feels like the child isn't being cared for adequately, then he must petition the court for custody or to have the order changed so payments are going to the primary caregiver.

EDIT: Scott, you beat me to it. But you are right in that often people change their tune when called out.

cowgirlmama · May 3, 2009, 10:09 AM

OK, thanks for judging me you all. I do not have a lot of knowledge on child support laws and therefore that I s why I ASKED. Then... right from the start I got judged saying I was the bad one here... hold on! WHat about the child that does not get support like he is supposed to! WEll hey at least I'm trying to do something about it... I could just let it go and let her to continue to spend the child's support money the way she wishes and let the child go even longer without support! Why are all of you all so fast to judge people?? Yeah, I asked if I could terminate her support... cause it's not HERS it's the child's!! Least I got the heart to try to get the child some support and not to continue to support his mother's way of negliecting him!

ScottGem · May 3, 2009, 10:26 AM

Originally Posted by cowgirlmama

ok, thanks for judging me you all. i do not have alot of knowledge on child support laws and therefore that i s why I ASKED. Then...right from the start i got judged saying i was the bad one here.......hold on!! WHat about the child that does not get support like he is supposed to!? WEll hey at least I"m trying to do something about it...i could just let it go and let her to continue to spend the child's support money the way she wishes and let the child go even longer without support!? why are all of you all so fast to judge people??? Yeah, i asked if i could terminate her support...cause it's not HERS it's the childs!!! least i got the heart to try to get the child some support and not to continue to support his mother's way of negliecting him!

And this is the common second stage. Instead of looking objectively at the impression YOU gave and trying to go forward with the good advice you got, you go on the attack. You try to make us the bad guys because we formed an impression based on what YOU said. No one supported what this mother is doing. You got good advice on what you need to do to correct this situation. But whether consciously or subconsciously, what you asked about was terminating support, not getting the child the support.

As to why we are so fast to judge people, what else can we do. All we have to go on is what is posted. We have to read what was written and make our judgements about the best course of action based on that. That's what we did here.

So instead of getting defensive, what you should have done was apologize for wording your question the way you did and thank us for helping you do what you now say you want to do. Then tell us your husband will be consutling a lawyer tomorrow and filing for a change in the support recipient and/or a change in custody.