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ken247 · Apr 27, 2009, 05:20 PM

My partner and I have been together now for around 5 years and have a wonderful son of 4 years old, thing is she never seems to want sex with me at all. This has not just started this has been going on for around 12 months, I tried everything, I bought her toys to which she enjoys using in thinking this would spice things up, I was wrong, I bought her sexy underwear, she just calls it dirty and refuses to wear it saying she feels like a prostitute, when we do have sex its all her her her I do things to her and she lies there but when its my turn I get nothing, I've tried to talk to her about this but all I get is if you don't like it then you know were the door is, I don't even get a hug from her anymore as she leaves for work, I'm a stay at home father and raise our son, I gave up my career so she could start hers after our son was born, now all she thinks about is career, I love her but I feel like walking away I'm at my wits ends and don't know what to do anymore, I gave up everything and now it feels like it was all for nothing

Krazi · Apr 27, 2009, 05:47 PM

Sounds like she is selfish and its all about her.
This marriage isn't a healthy, you need to stand on your feet, get your career back on track and find happiness.

liz28 · Apr 27, 2009, 06:06 PM

If this just started a year ago I think something is wrong to spark the change.

A talk is order and maybe it is time to put your son in daycare while you go back to work.

Gemini54 · Apr 27, 2009, 06:26 PM

I think that for some reason the intimacy in your relationship has declined and this is related to the lack of sex. What happened a year ago when all this started?

Relationships sometimes go through periods of abstinence but there’s a vast difference between a flagging libido and no sex at all. There’s also a difference between your partner saying “I’m not having sex with you because I’m still mad about ... whatever”, and her suggesting you’re sexually deviant for caring about sex at all.

Denying you affection suggest to me that she's mad about something. Is she cross because she's the breadwinner? These role reversals can be more complex that we think. Do you still go out together, play together, laugh together? If these things aren't happening then she might be feeling taken for granted and used.

Your marriage/sex isn't’t going to get better if you walk away from an argument. It will just grow increasingly distant. So grit your teeth and sit down for a major discussion. Tell your wife you are unhappy. Tell her this is not just about sex (although why the hell it shouldn't be, I don’t know) but also about affection and love.

Counselling is of course a first step if she agrees.

I wish · Apr 28, 2009, 06:36 AM

First off, it's time for you to get back to work. If you stay home too much, you have too much time to dwell on these problems and it will drive you nuts.

Secondly, you really need to stand up for yourself. She's got a strangle on you in this reationship: "if you dont like it then you know were the door is"... how do we say whipped in your language? What happened to equality?

kp2171 · Apr 28, 2009, 05:31 PM

Sexual drive can drop off for many reasons... hormone levels can be out of whack... stress, anxiety, lack of good sleep (not just hours, but quality), a lack of exercise, issues outside the bedroom in the relationship, etc...

Her overall lack of affection means its time to address this. Inside the bedroom will not get any better long term without addressing her lack of affection overall.

And personally, you never throw out things like "if you dont like it, theres the door" unless you are willing to see it to that end.

She might be going through a rut in the marriage. Studies show that most relationships go through this much more often that the "seven year itch" myth.

So... one thing my partner and I have done is read books and share them... for ex, gary chapman's Five Love Languages is one I talk about all the time. Talks about how couples show commitment to each other, and how sometimes that commitment is missed by the other partner. An easy read. One you can look through and pass on... hopefully shell take a look.

Personally... regular exercise is one of the most important things that keeps me balanced... and that also includes my sex drive.

Also, with a little one around, private time can be scarce to none.

So... do you make time with her alone? Arrange for a sitter? Spend a night out together, even if its 10 minutes away from home?

If my partner isn't relaxed and away from the noise of life, it can be hard to get her mentally where I am.

So... perhaps its time to find ways to give you two "couple" time together, to be able to reconnect.

If she is resistant to this, id start getting suspicious and/or worried.

janine9 · May 1, 2009, 08:04 PM

Originally Posted by kp2171

sexual drive can drop off for many reasons... hormone levels can be out of whack... stress, anxiety, lack of good sleep (not just hours, but quality), a lack of exercise, issues outside the bedroom in the relationship, etc...

her overall lack of affection means its time to address this. inside the bedroom will not get any better long term without addressing her lack of affection overall.

and personally, you never throw out things like "if you dont like it, theres the door" unless you are willing to see it to that end.

she might be going through a rut in the marriage. studies show that most relationships go through this much more often that the "seven year itch" myth.

so... one thing my partner and i have done is read books and share them... for ex, gary chapman's Five Love Languages is one i talk about all the time. talks about how couples show committment to each other, and how sometimes that committment is missed by the other partner. an easy read. one you can look through and pass on... hopefully shell take a look.

personally... regular exercise is one of the most important things that keeps me balanced... and that also includes my sex drive.

also, with a little one around, private time can be scarce to none.

so... do you make time with her alone? arrange for a sitter? spend a night out together, even if its 10 minutes away from home?

if my partner isnt relaxed and away from the noise of life, it can be hard to get her mentally where i am.

so... perhaps its time to find ways to give you two "couple" time together, to be able to reconnect.

if she is resistant to this, id start getting suspicious and/or worried.

KP... get rid of the bunny, it's distracting... I like the eye so much better! Love your answers.

jenniepepsi · May 1, 2009, 09:15 PM

Has your wife gained weight recently? It is very very easy for a woman to completely STOP feeling 'sexy' or 'in the mood' if she has gained some extra weight. Even if it is only a few lbs. our self image is much more important to us than self image is to a man.

Also. You might try losening up a little. Let her know that its OK if she isn't in the mood (even if you don't feel that it is OK, let her feel that it is ok) Please note that I do understand that it is NOT OK, but you might be pleasently surprised that if you don't put so much stress on sex, she may open up and want it more.

Good luck hon :D

citizen legal · May 4, 2009, 06:33 AM

Did you say that you were a "stay at home" dad. I hate to tell you this buddy, but if your wife is out there everyday, she is seeing other things, hearing other things and people that are holding her interest. Think about it. Suddenly you are not so attractive to her anymore. Maybe you don't take care of yourself anymore. Are you maybe in shorts and messy t-shirts when she comes home from work? Or are you shaved, looking good and smelling good for her after a hard day's work. Think about it if the situation was reversed. Think buddy.. There's lots of eye candy out there and very tempting at that. If you love your wife and want to keep her and your family together, pick yourself up and do the things you did to get her.. You got to reel her back in... Trust me... Been there, done that.;)