What would you do?

talaniman · Sep 20, 2006, 06:12 AM

As I said in your other post all I see are red flags surrounding this relationship so I would add be cautious, and keep your eyes open.

Wildcat21 · Sep 20, 2006, 07:55 AM

Yes - you must talk... but I've seen way too man yred flags from this guy. I wondering why you stick with him? He might cheat, you can't talk with him, you've caught him flirting and making passes...

He also won't open up and be honest with you.

Like I said before - I only see heartache in the future from what you have told us.

Aussie · Sep 21, 2006, 04:33 AM

He said that he cannot remember and can't apologise for something he can't remember!
He said it's in my head and that he wasn't playing footsies! He said that perhaps I saw they're feet touch and thought I saw what I saw. As I said in my other post is the sky blue?

kp2171 · Sep 21, 2006, 08:02 AM

I think you are asking questions now you know the answers to. Its just hard to accept.

Again, even if he's absolutely behaving (and it seems like he's not) your gut is telling you there's a problem here. So there's a problem here. Don't get married when there this kind of problem.

You can try to figure out if you have trust issues. You can try to make sure this isn't some confidence thing. It is true that many people engaged go through a "am i making a huge mistake" or "am i really ready for this" stage.

But it seems you know you instinctively cannot trust him. You'll probably spend the rest of your relationship with him feeling this way. Not a way to live.

Wildcat21 · Sep 21, 2006, 08:12 AM

Aussie - sounds li ke a bunmch of BS to me - you caught him... he's a lying!

You have a lot issues here wit hthis guy. Lots of red flags. You need concrete answers fro mthsi gu yand he won't give them to you.

You can't continue with out TRUST! He doesn't respect you.

Aussie · Sep 21, 2006, 08:46 AM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Yes - you must talk.....but I've seen way too man yred flags from this guy. I wondering why you stick with him? He might cheat, you can't talk with him, you've caught him flirting and making passes....

He also wont open up and be honest with you.

Like I said before - I only see heartache in the future from what you have told us.

I am feeling a lot stronger than before, I stick with him, as I love him, we have such a great time all the time and laugh, but there is always this doubt from what I have seen/heard.

Wildcat21 · Sep 21, 2006, 10:01 AM

You need the trust moving forward. Always.

talaniman · Sep 21, 2006, 11:42 AM

Somebody explain to me how you can love somebody you don't trust. How you stay in a relationship with a loser you have soooo much ffun with. My little pea brain is not getting it. I don't understand no way.

Aussie · Sep 22, 2006, 04:05 AM

Yeah, your right, but I feel I do. I don't mind you or anyone being really blunt. This is the first time I have spoken about this to anyone. I do doubt myself and have low self asteem and I have to take everything into consideration.

Wildcat21 · Sep 22, 2006, 08:11 AM

WELL, I think he manipulates you through the low self esteem. You feel the way you do because you know you're right.

kp2171 · Sep 22, 2006, 08:49 AM

Well, you know in the end the only person you need to please is you.

And I'm glad you aren't offended when we are straightforward here. We have no agenda other than to try to help. Seeing you separate from someone you care about isn't our plan when we start to analyze your situ, but if your situation deems some distance, were going to tell you loud and clear.

I've been with a few girls I had some trust issues with and they ALL came to be true, valid issues. Maybe your situation is different. The last thing id want to do is imbed a mistaken notion that your guy is a cheater when he isn't.

BUT I think he's a flirt at the very least. And you both have some talking to do before things are OK. That's fine. Relationships are worth work.

Just, please, don't get married with this hanging over your head. Try to resolve this one way or another before then. I love being married, but its work, and the last thing you need when you've finally made that lifetime commitment is ghosts haunting your relationship.

And if you were my sister, and you told me all you've said, id be a pretty grumpy brother. Supportive of your decision whatever that is, but he's got some things to prove.

I wasted two years trying to make a relationship that I had a big trust issue with work. In retrospect, I'm not sure I'm sorry I tried. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I didn't beg. I didn't make a fool out of myself completely. I just was willing to work harder than her for a time. Then, eventually, I was done.

If you are going to stick with him and try to work it out, just keep your head about you. No begging for forgiveness for anything. No working hard to make his life easier when you're not getting the same back. No apologies for needing some assurances and seeing that he picks you, his fiancée, first much of the time. He deserves some room and deserves to be able to maintain his friendships. But not when its destructive to your well being.

I'm hoping you'll write back that things take a turn for the better. If things fall apart, well, we'll try not to do the I-told-you-so routine too much... some... but not too much.

Aussie · Sep 27, 2006, 10:31 AM

We have been taking one day at a time and he is willing to take a lie detector test, as he maintains that I may be misconstuing situations, although he did get extremely nervous when I was very insistent!

kp2171 and everyone, thank you for your inspirational replys, they really inspired me and encouraged me to open up and talk to him about things. He was really good to talk to about everything, but I just cannot settle on the fact that I may be misconstruing situations, as I saw things with my own eye's! I am going to book this lie detector test and see how that turns out. Somehow I know what the result is going to be, but I just can't walk away so easily without knowing and understanding. Otherwise I will go insane thinking... did I really?

I hope this makes sense and no matter what the result may be, I feel a lot stronger to deal with it than I did when I wa thinking about it all!

I will let you know very soon x

Presleygall85 · Sep 27, 2006, 10:46 AM

In my opionion, Lie detector tests do not work
First of all everyone is nervous when they take them and they always end up failing even if they were innocent or not and I don't think it is fair. So you might want to keep talking to him and trying to figure everything out for yourself. If you're looking for a way out then this is a good way to do that but if you want to stay together but can't get passed this then you need to TALK TALK and then Talk some more.
OK and again about the lie detector test, what if he likes this girl but doesn't want her he wanted you and you giving him the lie detector test is just going to show that he might have feelings for her... but why would he be with you... think about it... people are attracted to so many people at one but they (usually) pick one person to be with... I don't know if you can't forgive him for flirting and then lying to you then you should not be with him but if you want to fix this with him... work on it! I think I am babbling now... :)

Depressed in MO · Sep 27, 2006, 12:03 PM

I've been through my fair share of liars and there are a few techniques to look for when questioning someone to see if they are lying or not.
1. Can they look you in the eye and keep a straight face when they are answering you?-If no: they are most likely lying to you.
2. Do they fidgit when they answer you?-if yes-they are most likely lying to you.
3. Do their eyes wonder around the room when you are asking them questions? If so, probably lying.
4. Do they ask you a question such as "why do you/are you ask(ing)?-they are probably trying to buy time to come up with a lie.
5. Do they change the subject quickly after answering you? Probably told you a lie.

This goes for both male and females.

Hope this helps!