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ellelondon · Apr 23, 2009, 04:13 PM

Hi relationship experts. This one is odd.

My ex said he lived with his ex and was having difficulty with her co operation in trying to sell the house. AFter 4 years of seeing him (yes it is shameful) - and the problem of his situation rearing its head every few months, me having doubts about the truth of his situation, freaking out and him getting upset about this and saying he had made some progress but that these things take time - I finally couldn't handle it anymore and said that if anything was to go any further between me and him that he had to sort his situation out.

He asked me if I could be his friend while he sorted it out. i.e. no sex, or if could see him while he sorted it out, or if it was better for me to have no contact with him while he sorted it out. AFter thinking this over for a couple of months I went back and said no - I couldnt' be his friend while he sorted it out and that he had had long enough to do it and that there should only be contact once he has sorted things out - so that I could move on if he wasn't going to do anything about it as I couldn't be sure that he would. He said him asking me what was best for me was him not being selfish and that him agreeing to NC was him not being selfish.

3 months on and I still want him back, can I break no contact?

talaniman · Apr 23, 2009, 04:25 PM

He could have made a plan to buy her out in 4 years.

I think you should move on, and stop waiting for him to unpack his baggage from the past.

chuff · Apr 23, 2009, 07:18 PM

Let me get this straight. Your ex lived with his ex for four years while you dated him? Did you ever go over there when she was there? Because you sound like the other woman who was strung along while his real girl was at home.

Gemini54 · Apr 23, 2009, 07:40 PM

I have to ask - why do you want him back?

You'd have to be Blind Freddie not to see that he was using you.

Let him go, don't you think that you deserve better?

none12345 · Apr 23, 2009, 07:55 PM

Let him go, you have to do what's best for you. I know I can't have a girlfriend who lives with her ex. Forget the past, and move on with you life. Don't break NC no matter what... you ll just put yourself in a hurtful position.

ellelondon · Apr 24, 2009, 01:17 AM

Hi! No I did not go round there - I never wanted to. I know I have been really stupid and on several occasions I questioned the situation - but every time he managed to turn me back around. He said that there are loads of people out there who have broken up but are still living together as it's not easy to get rid of the house etc. Of course I think I deserve better and if he can't up his game then I cannot go back. The NC thing is really hard - during the time since I broke it off I have lost my job and everything seems to be going wrong! It's really hard to pull myself out of this hole. I know I have done the right thing and sometimes I feel so so dumb for letting it go on for so long and that I am never going to let that happen to me again and that I have wasted all that time etc etc etc, and that he can never of had any respect for me. But at the same time - I do miss him and I miss having someone there and he has broken my heart - even though Iknow the situation wasn't right. I always tried to maintain my distance while I was seeing him and not get totally sucked in - at times I tried to convince myself I was actually single.I think I am having a tough few days. I feel lost and like I need to get involved in something else/go somewhere else. I hate him for doing this to me and I hate the fact that I am still hurting about it. Sometimes I feel like I have moved on in my mind as I have come to the conclusion that he is with her and that I can now see that rather than being sucked in to thinking that he is doesn't really want to be there - but now am starting to think he can't really want to be there as what the hell was he doing with me - and the question really is - what the hell was he doing with me? I know his feelings were real otherwise he just wouldn't have bothered. I didn't make it easy for him, I wasn't sleeping with him every 5 minutes. He pursued me and chased me etc etc - so how can he be happy with her? HELP ME!! Part of wanting to break the no contact is to show myself that I have moved on, breaking it is not about me wanting him back, its me wanting to let him know that I don't want that situation back and that I will never go back to that but that it's OK, I'm OK and I'm cool with it and that I can finally see the wood from the trees. Do you understand?

makapuu · Apr 24, 2009, 01:22 AM

It is your personal choice. If you want this man in your life, then contact him. I'm sure he will be happy to have you back in his life. His ex might not be happy, she's had him to herself for the past 3 months.

You say that you want to break N/C to show yourself that you have moved on. Have you really? You say that you lost your job and everything seems to be going wrong! You then say that it is really hard to pull yourself out of this hole. Do you think contacting your ex is the answer? Do you want to blame him, or do you want him make you feel better?

ellelondon · Apr 24, 2009, 01:23 AM

Also - trying to get back into the dating game sucks, esp English men, they just cannot get their act together. At least my ex used to give me lifts home - then phone me once he got back home ( to where he supposedly lived with his ex) and say thank you for a lovely evening, then he would call me in the morning early to say good morning and thanks for a lovely evening and that he would be in touch soon. I mean - what was that all about? Would he be sneaking away from his ex at 1.00am in the morning to call me and then again when he woke up at 6.30am? I mean - really - why bother if you are WITH someone else?!

ellelondon · Apr 24, 2009, 01:26 AM

Makapuu - I don't want him in my life while he's there and she's there. Simple as that - I guess I am answering my own question right? God I'm a sad case!! Hahaha

ellelondon · Apr 24, 2009, 01:45 AM

Also - during the time after the final blow up about the situation while I was thinking he asked me if I could be friends, I text him really late on New Years Eve saying 'Happy New Year!' I hope you decide what you want out of your life this year!', I was drunk when I sent it and I did mean it to hurt him but I also meant it - I hope he does decide what he wants out of his life. Anyway - it did get to him. Shortly after then I called him to give him my answer on the can I be friends. Anyway, he said he didn't have to respond to messages 'like that' anymore. He said that is was best for us to stay friends and leave it at that and that that is what was best at the moment and that he was tired of arguing and that he didn't want to get any dodegy messages and all the rest of it (as it hurts him apparently) and so that was best for me and for him at the moment.

ellelondon · Apr 24, 2009, 01:51 AM

Anyway - then I said no I can't be friends, it's too hard and that I need to move on if he is not going to do anything about his situation. He said OK - he wouldnt' be selfish. He said he knew he needed to sort himself out and that he knew what my message had meant and he knew it was true and that that is why is annoyed him. So I asked him well what do you want? I ask you what you want but you don't tell me - and he said he wanted to move on but he didn't know how long it was going to take, couldnt' give me dates and times or guarantees so it was better for me to leave it. So here it is - I should try and move on and get on with my life. If he comes back to me - he comes back to me but I shouldn't hang on and if he does come back to me - he has to of changed in a big way and changed his situation. I do know all of this - just sometimes I get lost. I guess I shouldnt' break the NC rule?

talaniman · Apr 24, 2009, 06:20 AM

Part of wanting to break the no contact is to show myself that I have moved on, breaking it is not about me wanting him back, its me wanting to let him know that I don't want that situation back and that I will never go back to that but that it's OK,

Don't play mind games with yourself. There is no need to break NC, and tell him ANYTHING. That's BS!! Just move on, and be done, and don't make a drama out of it.

none12345 · Apr 25, 2009, 06:24 PM

Can you? Of course you can!!

Should you? No you shouldn't!!

Simple as that =P

9Lives · Apr 25, 2009, 06:42 PM

Originally Posted by ellelondon

Hi relationship experts. This one is odd.

My ex said he lived with his ex and was having difficulty with her co operation in trying to sell the house. AFter 4 years of seeing him (yes it is shameful) - and the problem of his situation rearing its head every few months, me having doubts about the truth of his situation, freaking out and him getting upset about this and saying he had made some progress but that these things take time - i finally couldn't handle it anymore and said that if anything was to go any further between me and him that he had to sort his situation out.

He asked me if I could be his friend while he sorted it out., i.e. no sex, or if could see him while he sorted it out, or if it was better for me to have no contact with him while he sorted it out. AFter thinking this over for a couple of months I went back and said no - i couldnt' be his friend while he sorted it out and that he had had long enough to do it and that there should only be contact once he has sorted things out - so that I could move on if he wasn't going to do anything about it as I couldn't be sure that he would. He said him asking me what was best for me was him not being selfish and that him agreeing to NC was him not being selfish.

3 months on and I still want him back, can I break no contact?

I know this situatin all too well. You need to let it go because this is going to go on for along time and once he gets out of this.. he is going to want space and freedom to do whatever he wants. He is a player.

Friendship is not going to work. You will get caught up because you love him. Don't do that at all.

The best thing to do is move on for real. Don't hope, don't wish, don't wait. I know that is hard to do. I am living it right now. I have had to pray and see help to get past it. I am still working on getting on with my life. He was my everything. Now he is out dating other women and telling me he don't want a relationshp but we can be friends. Of course he wants the sex too.

Yeah it is hard but it is worth it. Let me get his life together and see if he really wants to be with you WITHOUT you prompting him. Get on with your own life.