[Picassa]

Well, I thought we had heard everything. First stepson's wedding we were kept in the dark, second stepson's wedding we were invited to help with the planning and host, and now comes the final wedding with its' own unique set of circumstances.

This one will be a destination wedding in Kauai, so it's more difficult to iron out details from far away. We've been asked to host the rehearsal dinner again and we are happy to do this, we just find it impossible to work out details and finances with the boy's mother, given the history of her behavior at the first wedding and her refusal to speak to me. Future daughter in law wants to know if I would fly there with her the week before the wedding to tend to last minute details, and also so I can do her flowers.

The problem is that Stepson's mom is furious about me making the trip and doing the flowers, not that it would deter me from going, but I am looking for a way to diffuse the situation so she doesn't cause a scene once she gets there. Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to do the flowers, but I love working with tropicals, and they wanted to save money.

Anyone have an idea for smoothing the waters with the mom of the groom? I know she is the guardian of her own emotions, I just want there to be some measure of decorum at the wedding events we all have to attend together. She has refused to speak to me for years, but her husband (of 22 years) has been very cordial. Any help and creative ideas are appreciated!

[jjwoodhull]

I think it's big of you to be concerned about the feelings of a woman who doesn't care about you. Of course you are right in that the day should be as smooth as possible for the bride and groom.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your stepson's fiancé. I would give her a call and explain, exactly have you have here, that you are honored to have been asked to do the flowers but you are concerned about Mom's reaction. Ask the bride if she can find a token job for Mom to distract her from your role in the celebration. Explain that you are just trying to keep the peace. The bride will probably be happy to have the heads up.

You are not clear as to who is actually hosting the rehearsal dinner. Is it you and you husband only? Or are Mom and husband co-hosts along with you?

If you and your husband are the hosts, then make your plans as you wish to and don't worry about input from anyone else. If all four of you are the hosts, then communicate through Mom's husband if Mom refuses to speak to you. There is only so much stress we can put on ourselves when other people are being childish.

[Picassa]

That is a great idea. I hadn't thought of her being asked to do something in preparation, but it would give her a focus and a purpose and perhaps deflect the negative energy that is sure to come our way if things stay as they are. I will suggest this to our future daughter in law. Maybe have her doing the brunch arrangements for the day after the wedding or something? Possibly getting entertainment together for the rehearsal dinner? I will keep thinking. Thanks so much for the suggestion!

We are hosting the rehearsal dinner again, but will list her name along with her husband's on the invitations as we did before even though we are paying and planning according to what the couple has requested - Luau with traditional music.

After the first wedding when she and her husband hosted, made all of the decisions and failed to invite the right people, pay the bills, etc. the kids have learned that it's probably best to leave this task to their dad and me. We don't mind, and I think she likes the recognition too. Life is too short to make a big deal out of it.

[jjwoodhull]

You have a great attitude about the whole thing. The kids are lucky to have you on their side. Enjoy Hawaii!!