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JustHisGirl · Apr 21, 2009, 04:36 PM

OK first off my boyfriend sort of be addicted to porn. It was like 3 years ago. I told him how I felt about it and he said he would stop. But he had a few setbacks which really hurt me. He kept promising he wasn't going to do it again... but anyway.. needless to say he did it a few more times and kept promising. He's very serious about his promises which is what confused me. But anyway, the last time he did it I cried a lot and could barely talk to him... because of the circumstances that I don't want to get into. But he really promised he wouldn't do it again. I told him that I still trusted him but I would worry. Which makes no sense... but anyway I find myself checking the history every time he gets off the computer and I feel really bad for doing it. I do feel like I trust him just... not 100% I guess. Usually when it happen before it was when we were on the phone and I went to bed early or if we didn't get to talk that night. Now I live with him so he doesn't get much of a chance, but at the end of summer I'm going to be gone out of state for like 2 weeks or more and I'm so scared that I won't me able to talk to him some nights and I'm so scared its going to happen again. If it does... I probably won't trust him at all... well on the computer anyway. How I feel about porn is maybe irrational to some, but I can't help how I feel and how strongly I feel. So please don't lecture me on how I feel, I just need advice on what to do about the trust thing..

none12345 · Apr 21, 2009, 04:42 PM

If you can't trust someone, you shouldn't be with them in the first place. I see nothing wrong in what he does, its actually pretty natural.

JustHisGirl · Apr 21, 2009, 04:43 PM

OK but I didn't ask that. I can't help how I feel about it. I don't want your opinions about how I feel about the porn thing. I only went into that to describe how I felt.

none12345 · Apr 21, 2009, 04:51 PM

Originally Posted by JustHisGirl

ok but i didnt ask that. i can't help how i feel about it. i dont want ur opinions about how i feel about the porn thing. i only went into that to describe how i felt.

You said he told you he would stop but he keeps on going back. That pretty much means that its something he's not going to give up. You either got to deal with it because no one is perfect and if you don't think you can stand it than maybe its time to look for someone else. I don't see how you can't trust him though. If you can't trust someone then its not a healthy relationship, and you ll be wondering about the what ifs. You can try going to counselling to help get over your trust issues or actually find someone you can trust 100%.

JustHisGirl · Apr 21, 2009, 04:54 PM

I trust him. I do. I just worry about when he's on the computer. And that's it. I don't want to be with anybody else. I really do love him. We have been together for over 3 years. I don't remember the last time he looked at porn. The thing he did in December was crap on YouTube. So I can't consider that porn, but still. He understands how I feel and he's 100% OK with it. He was just having trouble stopping cold turkey for a while. I have this gut feeling like its really over, but then again I'm so scared to feel like that again.

none12345 · Apr 21, 2009, 04:59 PM

Originally Posted by JustHisGirl

i trust him. i do. i just worry about when hes on the computer. and thats it. i dont want to be with anybody else. i really do love him. we have been together for over 3 years. i dont remember the last time he looked at porn. the thing he did in december was crap on youtube. so i can't consider that porn, but still. he understands how i feel and hes 100% ok with it. he was just having trouble stopping cold turkey for a while. i have this gut feeling like its really over, but then again im so scared to feel like that again.

If you have this feeling that it is over, than don't think of the negative and focus on the positive. Living in fear is a horrible way to live. You've already told him how you felt about it and he should respect your feelings. Trust him that he won't hurt you and don't think about it anymore unless you witnessed him doing it again.

Fuzzball_Kara · Apr 21, 2009, 04:59 PM

I see how you feel. I wouldn't want my boyfriend looking at it either.
The thing is, you're just going to have to trust him if you want to make it work. While you're gone, just do your usual thing but if it's something you can't do then it's really going to be hard to keep the relationship up. He's going to have to keep up his end of the deal. If it's something you don't like then he should respect you enough not to do it. Trust is key. If he's breaking the trust allowing you not to trust him.. then it doesn't work... Honestly I can't blame you for not trusting him.. I mean he does keep breaking his promises. It's one thing to say he doesn't promise. But the fact is that he made an agreement and should therefore stick to it.

JustHisGirl · Apr 21, 2009, 05:03 PM

Yea. The last time it happenend it hurt so bad. And he knew how I felt and I wanted to make him feel like crap... I felt bad when he did feel bad. But I wanted him to feel like I did. And he told me this time it was really over and every time we talk about it, he's like I told you I'm not going to hurt you again and I mean it. He said I'm over that crap and its not going to happen again. I'm one of those people that worries all the time. I can't make it stop. I've tried. So no matter what I believe I worry so much that its going to happen again. The you tube thing happenend back at the beginning of December and I'm still not 100% over it. It pops in my head at least once a day. The main reason that one hurt so bad is because he was talking to me on AIM and he said he was watching the music video to Life Is Beautiful by Sixx AM. Then he saw those videos in the related thing. So now every time I hear that song I want to cry. But that's his favorite song and I don't know how to tell him that it hurts when he listens to it... ah I just went off on a different tangent... sorry.

Fuzzball_Kara · Apr 21, 2009, 05:51 PM

It's okay. It's all right to be mad as long as you don't let it destroy you. You sound like you're really stressed. It might be good for you to take some time for a breather. I know it's hard but it has to be put behind you if you want to be at peace. Try some yoga or exercise to release those happy feelings in your brain and maybe get a manicure or something done in a beauty shop like a hair wash.. I find those extremely relaxing in any situation. Have a girls day. Do something to ease yourself.

nitelight198073 · Apr 21, 2009, 05:56 PM

Originally Posted by JustHisGirl

i trust him. i do. i just worry about when hes on the computer. and thats it. i dont want to be with anybody else. i really do love him. we have been together for over 3 years. i dont remember the last time he looked at porn. the thing he did in december was crap on youtube. so i can't consider that porn, but still. he understands how i feel and hes 100% ok with it. he was just having trouble stopping cold turkey for a while. i have this gut feeling like its really over, but then again im so scared to feel like that again.

If you are checking behind him you do not trust him period

dealmein · Apr 21, 2009, 06:46 PM

It seems to me if you really don't like it then you have to find a man who doesn't do it. Either that or accept it. Its not his problem really its yours. This is who he is and this is what he does and probably has done all his life.

My girlfriend is a bit on the heavy side but I love her. I'd prefer it if she wasn't as big but I accept it because I'm not selfish enough to ask her to change for me. Its her choice and right now its who she is.

Accepting things you don't nessesarily understand or agree with happen you either accept it or walk away from it.

You think for a minute the images he watches don't fly around in his brain anyway?

I'll give you an insiders look into the male brain. Without porn we will masturbate thinking about someone. That person might not always be you... so who else could it be? Someone he knows perhaps... Watching porn your never going to meet these people. If I were you I'd see the good in this.

Survivor07 · Apr 21, 2009, 06:55 PM

Being with someone who is addicted to porn is hard on your self-esteem. You will constantly be comparing yourself to the women and the unreal fantasy sex.

When someone needs to watch porn during sex or would rather watch porn than have sex with a live human, then it's considered an addiction.

You feel the way you feel and that's okay. You're certainly not alone in those feelings. How to deal with it is something that needs discussed between you and him.

Going to a counselor would help shed some insight on the way you're feeling, and the counselor might be able to make him understand that he is hurting you and it will be up to him to make a choice.

It's an addiction like any other, so it will be hard to overcome.

Either he admits he has a problem and gets help and you're willing to stand by him through it, OR he doesn't want to give it up and then you need to decide if you can live with it.

Survivor07 · Apr 21, 2009, 06:58 PM

Originally Posted by none12345

If you can't trust someone, you shouldnt be with them in the first place. I see nothing wrong in what he does, its actually pretty natural.

Hey, None,

Just wanted to say that I disagree with this statement [but love you : ) ] There is definitely something wrong with what he does if he is hurting his girlfriend and refuses to do anything about it.

Of course, men will be men. But porn addiction is a whole other issue.

none12345 · Apr 21, 2009, 07:02 PM

Originally Posted by Survivor07

Hey, None,

Just wanted to say that I disagree with this statement [but love you : ) ] There is definitely something wrong with what he does if he is hurting his girlfriend and refuses to do anything about it.

Of course, men will be men. But porn addiction is a whole other issue.

I agree with what you said =P I just meant that by it is a natural thing but hurting someone because of it after they told them how they feel about it does not show they respect them and it is wrong in that sense XD

dealmein · Apr 21, 2009, 07:56 PM

Originally Posted by Survivor07

Hey, None,

Just wanted to say that I disagree with this statement [but love you : ) ] There is definitely something wrong with what he does if he is hurting his girlfriend and refuses to do anything about it.

Of course, men will be men. But porn addiction is a whole other issue.

His intent is not to hurt her he is doing something natural to basically all men in the 21st century. For me when I'm not with my girlfriend I like to watch porn as a visual for sexual gratification. There is nothing more to it than that. It doesn't mean I don't respect my girlfriend or I don't love her or wouldn't rather have sex with her.

I don't know what the issues behind her being upset about it but I think she has to talk to her boyfriend about it and try to understand it.

She may never understand it but he likes it, wants to do it, and does it. What right does anyone have to demand they not do something? Its his life its his morals its his choice. He's not hurting her she's hurting herself with her own feelings. Deal with your issues or shut the door on your way out.

none12345 · Apr 21, 2009, 08:12 PM

Originally Posted by dealmein

His intent is not to hurt her he is doing something natural to basically all men in the 21st century. For me when i'm not with my girlfriend I like to watch porn as a visual for sexual gratification. There is nothing more to it than that. It doesnt mean I dont respect my girlfriend or I dont love her or wouldnt rather have sex with her.

I dont know what the issues behind her being upset about it but I think she has to talk to her boyfriend about it and try to understand it.

She may never understand it but he likes it, wants to do it, and does it. What right does anyone have to demand they not do something? its his life its his morals its his choice. He's not hurting her she's hurting herself with her own feelings. Deal with your issues or shut the door on your way out.

Of course his intent is not to hurt her but that doest mean he isn't hurting her. She told him she doesn't like that but he does it anyway which hurts her which means he isn't respecting him. Im not saying that its wrong to watch porn, I'm just saying that he's hurting her and she told him about it already. You do have to deal with your own trust issues though, and you can't get a partner to do what you want, that's not healthy.

Fuzzball_Kara · Apr 21, 2009, 08:21 PM

Originally Posted by dealmein

His intent is not to hurt her he is doing something natural to basically all men in the 21st century. For me when i'm not with my girlfriend I like to watch porn as a visual for sexual gratification. There is nothing more to it than that. It doesnt mean I dont respect my girlfriend or I dont love her or wouldnt rather have sex with her.

I dont know what the issues behind her being upset about it but I think she has to talk to her boyfriend about it and try to understand it.

She may never understand it but he likes it, wants to do it, and does it. What right does anyone have to demand they not do something? its his life its his morals its his choice. He's not hurting her she's hurting herself with her own feelings. Deal with your issues or shut the door on your way out.

You see the thing about that is, is that he actually made a promise not to. If he refused then that's another story. But when you make a promise to compromise then you should follow through. He knows what he's doing hurts her or he would not have promised not to and obviously he can see how it hurts her... I see what you're saying too, don't get me wrong. But this is more of an issue with promises not being kept than the porn itself, though the porn is probably hurting her esteem in ways.. The whole body image thing drives some girls nuts and that's understandable. Us girls have some soft on us and I know you guys have it somewhere too.

talaniman · Apr 22, 2009, 12:48 AM

I just need advice on what to do about the trust thing..

He tries to placate you just to keep you, but its highly unlikely he will do it for long. Get some one to help you, with your issues, so you can have a healthy, adult relationship.

88sunflower · Apr 22, 2009, 07:42 AM

[QUOTE=dealmein;1682842]It seems to me if you really don't like it then you have to find a man who doesn't do it. Either that or accept it. Its not his problem really its yours. This is who he is and this is what he does and probably has done all his life.

Whoooo slow down right there! I also have husband who did porn for 7 years. I begged and cried for him and the lies to stop. Its not her problem and she shouldn't have to find another man if she can't accept it. There is such a thing as porn addiction. Like many addictions you will need help and counseling. Don't blame her and make it OK for him and his addictions.

talaniman · Apr 22, 2009, 09:07 AM

The only one who can say they are an addict, and do something about it, is the person who suffers from it. If they see no problem with their behavior then its your problem to deal with, not theirs.

Say what you will, but you talk, express yourself, and compromise, and work on it, or leave.

Making demands might have temporary results, but in the long run, they will lie to keep peace.