[Unknown008]

Hey HC! You've got 2009 posts... lol.

Hey, how was your trip to Beijing?

[Alty]

In dedication to Starby:

"I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or
catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit."


She truly lived a fulfilled life... if this is her moment to go on into the great unknown, we shall remember her, keep her alive in our hearts, and cherish the moments we shared. She will not die for us, but will continue to thrive in the minds of those who loved her.

She was and always shall be my friend.

You're loved Starby.

That's beautiful HC, brought tears to my eyes.

She is a friend, family, to all of us.

[HistorianChick]

That's beautiful HC, brought tears to my eyes.

She is a friend, family, to all of us.

I put it on one of my china pictures this morning and was reminded of Starby... It's on a shot of the Great Wall...

Her life always sounded/sounds like an uphill battle; but, in my experience, the Great Wall is more beautiful from the top... When she looks back on her life, she'll see that all that climbing, all that struggle, all that hardship only brought her to the beautiful sunset of life, overlooking an exquisite sky of purple rain and pink clouds.

Keep us posted...

[Alty]

Wow! That's beautiful Chicky.

Her struggles will soon be over. That's the best any of us can hope for. Peace.

Love you Chicky.

I'll keep you posted.

[kp2171]

It's a blessing that she came out of coma, that she got to reconcile with her family. I hope she found peace with them.

Thanks for all your time and work alty.

Everybody has interests and loves and facts and tidbits that might tell you something about them, but I think you really get to know a person best in two ways... 1) what pi$$es them off on a fundamental, moral/right/wrong level and 2) what are their deeds and actions. Your frustration and concern for her and her welfare, and the "work" you did to care for her and try to do right by her show your heart is as good as it gets.

Its easy to do things that you love. But I think its another thing to do the hard work that you wish you didn't have to do, because you know its right, needed, and you can make a difference right now.

Yeah, I didn't say anything when it was mentioned that shed had a turn for the better because I was honestly scared it might be that "temporarily better" that some gravely sick people experience before the final hard turn to the end... seen it twice with loved ones, and was grateful for the peace that came with it, even if the time was fleeting.

Then again, when isn't time "fleeting"?

[Alty]

thanks for all your time and work alty.

Made me blush. I didn't really do that much, in the end nothing I did really made a difference, but thank you for saying that KP, it means a lot to me.

I have to say that I initially didn't even want to post the emails that said there was hope because I also didn't think it would end well.

I am grateful that she came out of her coma, had the opportunity to patch things up with her family and say good bye, and that they too had that chance.

I actually had a pretty bad moment earlier today, didn't really want to share it, but I guess I should.

I was going through my phone messages. I'm really bad at deleting old messages and sooner or later I have to go through and listen, delete the ones I no longer need. There was a message from Starby, the day she was released from the hospital and placed into the woman's shelter. It was so hard to hear her voice knowing that I'll likely never hear it again.

I can't get myself to delete it, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to listen to it again.

The end of a life is such a difficult thing, mostly for those of us left behind.

[kp2171]

My wife has the answering machine from her fathers home. Doesn't use it, doesn't play it, the machine is in a box in storage... but it has the last recording of his voice.

When my grandfather died (he was my father figure, the guy who raised me and taught me what real, boundless love was) I wound his watch everyday for two years. Couldn't wear it. But somehow keeping it and keeping it running helped. Eventually I stopped.

Keep it. Delete it. Do whatever you need to do.

[Alty]

I think I'll keep it for now. Once I delete it it's gone, not ready for that yet.

Right now it's the waiting game and it's killing me. I'm expecting the email or phone call soon. It's inevitable, but still shocking.

You'd think I'd be accustomed to this by now. I guess no matter how many times you've been through it, losing a loved one never gets easier.

I'm distracting myself on the forum, it helps. Besides, Starby would get a kick out of it. If she could she would join in, or slap me on the wrist and tell me to behave. Of course I did the same for her many times, that's what friends are for. :)

[tickle]

I see death far to often, alty, in my profession. Jus this next day I will be doing an overnight for a palliative client and staying to 0700 Friday morning. I approach death a lot different since my mom died and probably is why I chose to do this type of work because my mom was so far gone when I finally realized she was dying, all the love and caring we shared over the years I felt was lost.

Until my mom visited me in a dream a few years ago and I heard her say, love you, care for you and yes, I actually knew you were there. In my dream we hugged and parted and I had closure.

I hope you have closure with starby this way. It is the most peaceful loving way to say goodbye... in a dream.

Tick

[MsMewiththat]

I'm simply at a loss for words. You are an amazing group of strong wonderful people. Starby is blessed to have you for friends. I'm deeply touched by your love for one another. I'm moved by your kind words and warm memories. I don't know any of you this way and it is so amazing. It's no wonder when I look back at the beginning some of the first posts and first posts of other people. There is geniune love here. GOD BLESS YOU STARBY.

[nikosmom]

That was touching Ms. It's like being a part of a family and we've all built relationships here based on what's important; no pretenses. I never thought I'd find myself leaning on a group of "virtual" friends. We laugh, cry, straighten each other out, and share our lives; like a real family.

Starby has touched a lot of us here. A magnificent warmth and ability to make a person feel so welcome and included. Kindness. She's been a great friend to us but at the same time none of us want to think of her suffering. So we have to come to terms with the inevitable and just be glad that God chose to share her with us for the time that He did.

[nitelight198073]

That was touching Ms. It's like being a part of a family and we've all built relationships here based on what's important; no pretenses. I never thought I'd find myself leaning on a group of "virtual" friends. We laugh, cry, straighten each other out, and share our lives; like a real family.

Starby has touched a lot of us here. A magnificent warmth and ability to make a person feel so welcome and included. Kindness. She's been a great friend to us but at the same time none of us want to think of her suffering. So we have to come to terms with the inevitable and just be glad that God chose to share her with us for the time that He did.

I agree with you a thousand percent

[Alty]

That was touching Ms. It's like being a part of a family and we've all built relationships here based on what's important; no pretenses. I never thought I'd find myself leaning on a group of "virtual" friends. We laugh, cry, straighten each other out, and share our lives; like a real family.

Starby has touched a lot of us here. A magnificent warmth and ability to make a person feel so welcome and included. Kindness. She's been a great friend to us but at the same time none of us want to think of her suffering. So we have to come to terms with the inevitable and just be glad that God chose to share her with us for the time that He did.

NM, I couldn't have said it any better. I couldn't find the words. You said it.

We are all blessed to have known her, to have had her in our lives. She will remain, a part of us, always.

[shazamataz]

I put it on one of my china pictures this morning and was reminded of Starby... It's on a shot of the Great Wall....

Her life always sounded/sounds like an uphill battle; but, in my experience, the Great Wall is more beautiful from the top.... When she looks back on her life, she'll see that all that climbing, all that struggle, all that hardship only brought her to the beautiful sunset of life, overlooking an exquisite sky of purple rain and pink clouds.

Keep us posted...

That was beautiful HC, as was yours NM.

Sorry I haven't been to this thread much lately... I usually have no idea what to say in situations like this.
I couldn't even bring myself to go to my own grandfathers funeral.
I am an eternal chicken, and I don't handle grief very well...

If anyone needs a hug though, I'm always here for those :)

[nikosmom]

Thanks Nily, Alty, and Shazzy. Just speaking from the heart.

[Alty]

Update. Today's email from Starby's Aunt.

I spoke with Jo's mom late last night. Things are pretty much the same. The doctors have said there is no hope for Jo - her organs are shutting down. They have signed an "end of life" agreement. she may live a week or 4 but not much more.
I have appointments today but will try to call you when I get back.
Hang in there. sorry this is so brief.

It's the waiting game. That's all we have left now.

[JoeCanada76]

I just do not know what to say. Except I just pray that Starby finds peace that she has been seeking all these years and that it is good that her family came together and are there with her.

[startover22]

Thanks Alty for all the updates... I am still thinking of her... and will forever... sheesh, how many smiles did she put on our faces during all this AMHD time? Even off the site she was a jewel of light and funnies! I miss her...

[JoeCanada76]

She has always been the light for everyone. She is very much missed and was so delighted to hear from her when she was able to get on the internet.

[Alty]

She will be missed, always. She touched so many people here, I hope she knows that, I'm sure she does.

Apparently she's very delusional right now, doesn't know what's going on, what day it is, is going in and out of reality. The doctors don't think it will be long.

At this time the most we can pray for is a quick end, a peaceful death, everlasting life in a much better place.

I'm sure she'll keep an eye out for us, give us a sign that she's okay, that she made it, that she's finally at peace.

I'm still so shocked. How could we not have know how far gone she was? How? Especially me, I talked to her almost every day. How did I not realize?

I'm kicking myself. I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at her, for not telling me the truth so I could help, maybe prevent this.

Darnit. I'm just a jumble of emotions, thank God for all of you. I'm playing on the other boards, distracting myself, forgetting about this for a time. It keeps coming back with a fresh onslaught of tears.

I don't cry!

I guess I do. :(